come uppance

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How to Survive a Hangover

Well, it is that time of year again. Even those of us who don’t regularly indulge usually toss a couple back, and for those of us who do it can often end like this:

No matter how good our intentions, New Year’s Eve is an invitation to taunt the liquor gods, and that means paying the price the next day. In the spirit of kindness, I am posting my time honored method of easing the hangover pain so that the first day of your new year won’t be utterly painful.

I know that there are many so called “natural” and vitamin remedies that are supposed to help a hangover, but they are all bullshit. Hippies don’t know shit about drinking, put down the crystal and let a professional help you.

Get all of this stuff together tonight. Once you are in the throes of a hangover you won’t want to leave the house and you probably shouldn’t because you will look like shit anyway.

For this method you will need the following:

36 oz. of water

2 anti-inflammatory tablets of your choice (I like Alleve).

2 pieces of bread

2 grams of decent weed

One comfy pillow and blanket

A cable TV hookup or a Netflix account

Phone number to a good pizza place or really good leftovers that are easy to reheat

2 cans of Coca-Cola (absolutely no substitutions on this)

The Night Before

It goes without saying that you can avoid this by not drinking excessively in the first place, but that is for little  girls and  it is a long time until the MLK weekend, so fuck it. I can also tell you to stick to one type of liquor, but you inevitably will mix bourbon with champagne and will end up doing a shot of absinthe that someone brought back from a holiday in Europe. Again, fuck it. You should drink some water before you go to bed, but if given the chance to get some nasty from whomever you wind up with, skip the water and go for the sweet loving. Rest easy knowing that you will survive the consequences of your foolish behavior. Again …

The Day of Battle

Step #1: Try not to sleep more than a couple hours later than your usually waking time because that makes your body confused and you’ve already pissed it off enough. If you are sleep deprived you can nap later.

Step #2: Shower, or at least wash your face. You smell awful.

Step #3: Drink one of the Cokes. It should be ice cold. Drink it slow.

Step #4: After 15 minutes, toast the bread and eat it (use butter if your stomach isn’t too upset). Drink 12 oz. of water with it.

Step #5: Wait about 20 minutes. Smoke some weed. If you smoke cigarettes you should have one at this point. I know, I know, you are going to quit, but today is not the day. Leave that shit for next week.

Step #6: Now is the time to take a tylenol or whatever. Your stomach will appreciate that you waited.

Step #7: Watch a couple of hours of TV while snuggled in your blankey on the couch. I recommend Law and Order, Futurama, the Twilight Zone, or Star Trek. All of these will probably be on marathons tomorrow or you can get them on Netflix. Avoid porn, horror movies (this is not the time to finally see Hostel), anything really sad (alcohol is a depressant). If you must watch sports you are going to have to choke down a couple of cans of mid-priced domestic beer to make watching your favorite team blow another great season  possible.

Step #8: Take a nice nap. Try to keep it under an hour so you won’t fuck up your sleep schedule and turn into a vampire.

Step #9: Take the second anti-inflammatory with 12 more oz. of water. Return to the couch for more movies (maybe there is something good on Lifetime).

Step #10: Drink the last Coke and smoke some more weed. At this point you should be ok to eat some real food. Try cheese pizza, chicken soup, or pasta with a red sauce. Avoid carbonara, salad, Indian food, anything too spicy. Don’t make your stomach even angrier.

Step #11: Return to the couch and slowly drink 12 more oz. of water. See what Benson and Stabler are up to. Check in on CT and make fun of everyone else for a having a hangover.

Step #12: By this point you should be able to go on with your day, but if you can stay on the couch do it. Avoid phone calls from family, annoying internet arguments, or anything else unpleasant. This is the first day of the New Year, you have 364 more days to be irritated.

Step #13: Profit! You win at drinking. Now don’t do that again!!!

Have a wonderful New Year!