Reel Previews: The Mechanic (2011)

1 comment

I love movie trailers – come deconstruct them with me!

(Don’t cloud your judgement! Watch the trailer then read my rant.)

The Mechanic (January 28 2011 | CBS Films)

Years ago, I was bored and happened to flip to a local channel showing some seventies movie with Charles Bronson in it. I thought it was going to be lame, old-timey shit.

I was wrong.

That movie was The Mechanic, and it was fucking badass. The details of the plot are hard for me to remember, but simply reciting the movie’s title summons a soft blanket woven with fond memories of badassery over my heart.

A similar situation happened with El Mariachi; having never heard of it, nor having seen any plot-spoiling trailers for it, I watched El Mariachi one idle night on that same local channel with expectations so low, it was digging quite successfully to China. Needless to say, I was blown away by its majesty (and by the fact, which I only found out later, that it was the precursor to Desperado and Once Upon a Time in Mexico).

Now there’s a remake of The Mechanic, starting Jason Statham.

I guess you can cue the sad violin and sense of foreboding, right? A remake is cruel, surprize buttsecks to the cherished films of yore, right? Well…I dunno. The Mechanic actually seems suited to a modern retelling. The plot is simple enough – sophisticated assassin takes on an apprentice (and hijinks ensue!). You can go interesting places with an outline like that.

The problem is that this new version looks like it goes to the least interesting corner of the Imagination Station. The original version had an almost meditative quality, which had the effect of making the violence even more chilling. The Wikipedia page for the original has a little note on the existentialism of the film, ferchrissake! But the trailer for the new version is hardly Zen-like. Almost instantly after the green rating card disappears you get wacked over the head with the sound of a pulsating electric guitar. You know, ‘cuz rock music makes everything cooler.

Quick cuts in the beginning showcase the lead character’s résumé of death screaming “Hire me! Hire me, bitch!” Bronson’s Mechanic would need no such brazen excessiveness. He’d kill your enemy’s dog and make it look like it accidentally choked on its favourite chew toy if you asked him for an employment reference.

The rest of the trailer is an infodump of gadgets and violence that leads me to believe that this movie will sink into the bowels of mediocrity. Case in point: “Time to take your training to the next level.” What the fuck is this, Training from Hell?! I’ll give the trailer’s tagline (“A good mechanic is hard to find.”) a pass, though. Because it’s true. Jason Statham may be a mechanic, but I doubt he’s a good one. It’s not that I don’t like him as an actor. He just doesn’t seem like the spiritual successor to Bronson. So keep on looking, folks! Nothing to see here!

Taken by itself, this is an exciting trailer that piques your interest in the movie, no doubt about that. Flashy action isn’t bad by itself, but come on…so many modern action movies are like that. The 1972 movie was special because it transcended the tired clichés that films about assassins are wont to slip into. Will the 2011 version do the same? If the trailer’s any indication, probably not. That’s a shame for badass lovers everywhere.

Some People Seem to Be Able to Make Miserable Over Anything

5 comments

So I had a little to-do with the editor of the local rag here in my small town. I’ve been writing book-related bits for it for a couple of years now, usually author profiles, which are wonderful when I like the book and painful when I don’t. So far it’s been 90-10, guess in which direction.

Anyhow, I was asked to do a piece on our independent bookstore’s 15th anniversary. Nothing makes me happier than seeing an indie bookstore still alive, so I happily interviewed the owner and the manager and wrote up a nice optimistic piece about all their plans for the future. And sent it in to my editor. Who added just a tiny clause that was basically a shot at the owner. Very mean. Totally out of tone with the rest of the piece. I asked Ed to take it out. Ed said no, and made a couple of other nasty remarks about the owner. I thought screw this, and asked to have my name taken off the piece. (I don’t get paid for these, I do it in exchange for a one-line mention of a small business I have here in town.) Back and forth a little more, but I just insisted that Ed remove my name, and it came off.

Highly doubtful I’ll be asked to do any further writing for them but that’s fine. There’re only so many self-published novels, most of them written by retired gents wanting to relive their youth (the tell-tale: the hero is always a, erm, mature man with a toothsome young female sidekick), that one can stomach.

As a thank-you to any who have plowed their way through this tiny tempest in a teacup, here’s a book recommendation. The latest John Le Carre, Our Kind of Traitor. Le Carre knows his way around a keyboard, and uses all kinds of tricksy little techniques that a lesser writer would screw up terribly. Le Carre, of course, doesn’t. He keeps his narrative under complete and effortless control that rewards the close reading you need to give it.

by

Delta Sierra

The Best Carrot Cake Ever!

7 comments

This was part of an article in (I think) Southern Living from about 15 years ago. Submitted by Phyllis Vanhoy of Salisbury, NC. I’ve put my personal notes and tips in italics. It’s a freaking amazing cake!

2 C all-purpose flour
2 tsp baking soda
½  tsp salt
2 tsp ground cinnamon
3 large eggs
2 C sugar
¾ C vegetable oil
¾ C buttermilk
2 tsp vanilla
2 C grated carrot
1 (8-oz.) can crushed pineapple, drained
1 (3 ½)  oz. can flaked coconut (I buy a bag and weigh it out)
1 C chopped walnuts or pecans (I use pecans)

Buttermilk Glaze
Cream Cheese Frosting

Line three 9-inch round cakepans with wax paper; lightly grease and flour wax paper. Set pans aside. You can use parchment paper as well and in fact you may find that it sticks less.

Stir together first four ingredients. Set aside.

Beat eggs and next four ingredients at medium speed with an electric mixer until smooth.

Add flour mixture, beating at slow speed until blended. Fold in carrots, and next three ingredients. Pour batter into prepared cake pans.

Bake at 350 F for 25 – 30 minutes or until a wooden pick comes out clean.

Drizzle Buttermilk Glaze evenly over the layers; let cool in pans on wire racks 45 minutes.

Do not, DO NOT turn them out of the pans before you’re ready to assemble each layer of the cake. The cake is really moist and will come apart if you take it out of the pans before you’re ready to frost each layer.

Remove from pans, and cool completely on wire racks. Spread Cream Cheese Frosting between the layers and on top and sides of cake.
Yield: One 3-layer cake

Buttermilk Glaze

  • 1 C sugar
  • ½ c buttermilk
  • 1 ½  tsp baking soda
  • ½  C butter or margarine
  • 1 Tbsp light corn syrup
  • 1 tsp vanilla

Bring first 5 ingredients to a boil in a large dutch oven over medium-high heat. Boil, stirring often, 4 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in vanilla. Yield: 1 ½ cups

First of all, this foams quite a bit so don’t be alarmed, and be sure to use a pan big enough. A dutch oven is great, but any deep, heavy-bottomed pan should be fine. Also, I generally cook mine until it’s a lovely deep caramel color, which may take you longer than 4 minutes. Do stir frequently or it will burn.

Cream Cheese Frosting

  • 3/4 C butter or margarine
  • 1 8-oz. pkg cream cheese, softene
  • d1 3-oz pkg cream cheese, softened
  • 3 C sifted powdered sugar
  • 1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

Beat butter and cream cheese at medium speed with an electric mixture until creamy. Add powdered sugar and vanilla; beat until smooth.
Yield: 4 Cups

A few additional notes from my years of making this cake:

I double the recipe for the frosting. It doubles just fine and who doesn’t like a little extra when everything is said and done? I don’t double the glaze.

I like to top the frosted cake with sliced almonds that I’ve toasted in the oven just a tad too long. Alternatively, I top with toasted coconut.

I have made this as a sheet cake as well, just keep an eye on it in the oven. If you do that, you won’t need to double the frosting, but you lose the layered effect, which is ridiculously delish. This past Thanksgiving, I made a double sheet cake since we were expecting 30 people. I had to double the glaze, and I quadrupled the frosting, but I could have gotten away with tripling it.

Also, regarding the layers—I usually insert 3 wooden skewers into the cake once the layers are assembled, before frosting the outside of the cake. It helps keep it from ending up looking like the leaning tower of Pisa.

I hope you guys enjoy this as much as my family/friends and I do!

ETA: One thing I forgot to mention is that you can make the glaze and use it to top any number of other cakes or breads. It’s especially delicious on bread pudding!

LeftCoastLady’s Favorite Music from 2010

8 comments

(To see the original entry in all its non-modified glory, please visit Dimple and a Smirk (dot) com.)

In looking back on the music of 2010 that entered my ears, I listened to a lot of house/dance/electronic. Moving one’s ass is always a good thing. I also listened to a lot of comedy albums this year. In fact, this will be the first time my “best of” list will include comedy albums. If I had done this last year, Jim Gaffigan’s King Baby would have blown away most of my music selections. I’m almost embarrassed by the number of times I’ve played tracks from the album this year.

But enough of that, let’s get on to my favorites from 2010!

Favorite Albums:

The Lady Killer – Cee Lo Green
Before the album was released, everyone was abuzz about “F**k You” and rightfully so. It’s catchy, makes you smile, and includes a handful of f-bombs. The good news is the rest of the album is just as great and in some places, even better. If there is such a genre as alt-R&B, then Cee Lo is part of it. It may be cliché, but this album deserves all the praise it can get. Cee Lo’s take on Band of Horse’s “No One’s Gonna Love You” is so good, I may start listening to his version more than the original. And I love the original version to pieces.

Brothers – The Black Keys
Will the bluesy boys from Akron, Ohio, ever put out a less than awesome album? Highly doubtful. If your foot doesn’t start tapping beginning on the opening track, “Everlasting Light,” you may need to loosen up a bit. If your hips aren’t swaying on the second song, “Next Girl,” you may not have a pulse. When I first heard “Next Girl,” I knew I would be blasting it a lot. Oh goodness, what a great fucking song. There are a lot of contagious songs on this album — “Howlin’ for You,” “The Only One,” and well, all of them. Also, go see the Black Keys perform live. One of the best live bands around, that’s for sure.

Record Collection – Mark Ronson & The Business Intl.
What happens when a sought-after producer puts out an album that includes collaborations with artists such as Duran Duran, Boy George, D’angelo, Miike Snow, Q-Tip, among others? Awesome things happen, that’s what. The title of the album is appropriate because it feels like a carefully-crafted mix tape. “Bang Bang Bang” and “You Gave Me Nothing” will get you on the dancefloor while “Someone to Love Me” will make retreat to a seat on the side because you don’t have a dance partner.

Pete Yorn – Pete Yorn
See the review I wrote back in September. I’ll add this: I cannot wait to see PY perform live in support of this album in a few months. It will also be interesting to see whether or not married life affects his future musical output.

Let It Go – Bill Burr
Bill Burr is an angry man and that’s why I like him. I like to think his anger allows me to walk around and not rage at everyone and everything. You’ll laugh out loud at his observations on people because there’s a good chance you’ve encountered some of the same situations. Thanks to Bill Burr, you can hear what it sounds like if you were to act on what you’re really thinking.

I Learned the Hard Way– Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
When I first picked up this album back in April, I knew it would be on my year-end “best of” list. It’s as if by pushing “play” I was transported back in time to the era of Motown girl groups and bands who wore matching suits. Sharon’s voice just pours emotion into the lyrics. You feel her heartache on tracks like “The Game Gets Old” or on, my favorite track, “Window Shopping.” Likewise, the Dap-Kings work in tandem with Sharon’s voice to fully make the songs deliver their punch. On the instrumental track, “The Reason,” you really get to hear the Dap-Kings as they deliver a song that is just…groovy. No really, it has a great groove.

Crazy For You – Best Coast
The opening track “Boyfriend” sucked me in. If the rest of the album wasn’t great, “Boyfriend” would have been at the top of my favorite songs list. The album is full of catchy sugar pop music — check out “Our Deal” and “Honey” — that makes you want to sit on a beach blanket while writing in your diary about your new crush.

Timeless Pulse – Collioure
While listening to a Deep House Cat podcast, I fell in love with a song called “La Vague.” That sent me on a search to learn more about Collioure, a Japanese downtempo/lounge group. With limited vocals on the songs, the listener is left to fully appreciate the music, which is lush, exotic and perfect for a chillout session.

III/IV – Ryan Adams & The Cardinals
I’ve only had this double album — on beautiful, gorgeous, colorful vinyl — for about two weeks, but yes, it’s really that good. What’s essentially a collection of B-sides can put to shame a lot of A-side albums on the market these days. The album has some great little gems on it like “Typecast” and “Gracie.”

Transference – Spoon
When I received Transference, I wasn’t sure where to set my expectations. Could they really do another Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga? Yes and no. With songs like “Who Makes Your Money” and “Got Nuffin,” I found the album to be a closer relative to soulful grooves found on Gimme Fiction. One of my favorite tracks is the sleepy “Out Goes the Lights.”

Honorable Mentions:

As I Call You Down – Fistful of Mercy
Dhani Harrison, Ben Harper, and Joseph Arthur. That’s three kinds of awesome merged into one group. For a debut album, it’s fairly solid, however, where it falters is in trying to maintain some of the singular qualities of each musician’s individual artistry. When I listen to the album, I can hear each member’s contributions, but I also (selfishly) wanted to hear them push beyond that and deliver something unique to the album.

Interpol – Interpol
I really wanted to like this album more than I currently do. I wanted to love it, especially after the less-than-stellar Our Love to Admire. The couple of songs I heard prior to the album’s release — “Barricade” and “Lights” — gave me hope, but as a whole, the album left me longing for a band that put out Turn on the Bright Lights and Antics. Yes, I’ve become one of those types of fans, which is sad, because I’ve loved Interpol for a long time.

Winner Winner – Jessi Campbell
Because of my frequent comedy album purchases, Jessi Campbell’s album came up as a recommendation. I’d never heard of her before the recommendation. I listened to the album with tempered expectations, but oh my, she’s quite funny! I’m looking forward to hearing more from her in the future.

Favorite Songs (excludes songs from favorite albums):

“Blackbird and the Fox” – Twilight Singers feat. Ani DiFranco
“Rolling in the Deep” – Adele
“Not Giving Up On Love (Armin van Buuren Remix)” – Armin Van Buuren vs. Sophie Ellis Bextor
“O.N.E.” – Yeasayer
“Together Alright (MTV’s 2010 Club Mix)” – Martijn ten Velden & Red Carpet
“Vanity” – Christina Aguilera
“Our Summer” – Dragonette
“Back It Up (Melleefresh vs Jerome Robins Velvet Fog Mix)” – SpekrFreks vs. Billy Newton Davis
“Why Like This” – Teebs

Songs I rediscovered this year and now realize it may be some of the most perfect songs ever recorded (2010 edition):

“Home” – Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros (Yes, I know this song was only released a year ago, but it’s an earworm that finds its way into my head frequently.)

“So Close” – Hall & Oates

“Take Some…Leave Some” – James Brown

What I’m looking forward to music-wise in 2011: New Twilight Singers (Dynamite Steps), new PJ Harvey (Let England Shake), new Adele (21), hopefully more new Ryan Adams, attending live shows all over the place, including Pete Yorn and Twilight Singers, and, of course, discovering more new music that I can rave about to anyone who will listen.

How to Survive a Hangover

8 comments

Well, it is that time of year again. Even those of us who don’t regularly indulge usually toss a couple back, and for those of us who do it can often end like this:

No matter how good our intentions, New Year’s Eve is an invitation to taunt the liquor gods, and that means paying the price the next day. In the spirit of kindness, I am posting my time honored method of easing the hangover pain so that the first day of your new year won’t be utterly painful.

I know that there are many so called “natural” and vitamin remedies that are supposed to help a hangover, but they are all bullshit. Hippies don’t know shit about drinking, put down the crystal and let a professional help you.

Get all of this stuff together tonight. Once you are in the throes of a hangover you won’t want to leave the house and you probably shouldn’t because you will look like shit anyway.

For this method you will need the following:

36 oz. of water

2 anti-inflammatory tablets of your choice (I like Alleve).

2 pieces of bread

2 grams of decent weed

One comfy pillow and blanket

A cable TV hookup or a Netflix account

Phone number to a good pizza place or really good leftovers that are easy to reheat

2 cans of Coca-Cola (absolutely no substitutions on this)

The Night Before

It goes without saying that you can avoid this by not drinking excessively in the first place, but that is for little  girls and  it is a long time until the MLK weekend, so fuck it. I can also tell you to stick to one type of liquor, but you inevitably will mix bourbon with champagne and will end up doing a shot of absinthe that someone brought back from a holiday in Europe. Again, fuck it. You should drink some water before you go to bed, but if given the chance to get some nasty from whomever you wind up with, skip the water and go for the sweet loving. Rest easy knowing that you will survive the consequences of your foolish behavior. Again …

The Day of Battle

Step #1: Try not to sleep more than a couple hours later than your usually waking time because that makes your body confused and you’ve already pissed it off enough. If you are sleep deprived you can nap later.

Step #2: Shower, or at least wash your face. You smell awful.

Step #3: Drink one of the Cokes. It should be ice cold. Drink it slow.

Step #4: After 15 minutes, toast the bread and eat it (use butter if your stomach isn’t too upset). Drink 12 oz. of water with it.

Step #5: Wait about 20 minutes. Smoke some weed. If you smoke cigarettes you should have one at this point. I know, I know, you are going to quit, but today is not the day. Leave that shit for next week.

Step #6: Now is the time to take a tylenol or whatever. Your stomach will appreciate that you waited.

Step #7: Watch a couple of hours of TV while snuggled in your blankey on the couch. I recommend Law and Order, Futurama, the Twilight Zone, or Star Trek. All of these will probably be on marathons tomorrow or you can get them on Netflix. Avoid porn, horror movies (this is not the time to finally see Hostel), anything really sad (alcohol is a depressant). If you must watch sports you are going to have to choke down a couple of cans of mid-priced domestic beer to make watching your favorite team blow another great season  possible.

Step #8: Take a nice nap. Try to keep it under an hour so you won’t fuck up your sleep schedule and turn into a vampire.

Step #9: Take the second anti-inflammatory with 12 more oz. of water. Return to the couch for more movies (maybe there is something good on Lifetime).

Step #10: Drink the last Coke and smoke some more weed. At this point you should be ok to eat some real food. Try cheese pizza, chicken soup, or pasta with a red sauce. Avoid carbonara, salad, Indian food, anything too spicy. Don’t make your stomach even angrier.

Step #11: Return to the couch and slowly drink 12 more oz. of water. See what Benson and Stabler are up to. Check in on CT and make fun of everyone else for a having a hangover.

Step #12: By this point you should be able to go on with your day, but if you can stay on the couch do it. Avoid phone calls from family, annoying internet arguments, or anything else unpleasant. This is the first day of the New Year, you have 364 more days to be irritated.

Step #13: Profit! You win at drinking. Now don’t do that again!!!

Have a wonderful New Year!

Nothing Is Special Anymore – Why Movie Rentals Suck

7 comments

Have you noticed lately that your Netflix (or Redbox, Blockbuster, etc.) movies aren’t as feature packed as they used to be? The movie studio overlords had a problem, the rental houses only have to buy a disc once and then they can send it to hundreds or thousands of people. The studio oligarchy would much rather that individuals pay $30 each for individual copies of those movies. A new plan was needed.

Enter the “movie only” copies of DVDs and Blu-ray discs. Let us take the money making machine that is Twilight Eclipse as an example.

Your kids already forced you to take them to see it in the theater for $12 a pop plus snacks.  Now the whole point of getting the DVD or Blu-ray is to watch the special features, so they put it on their Christmas wish list.  Grandma goes to Best Buy and gets them the only copy they have left, the single disc DVD.  The back of the box doesn’t list any features, but granny doesn’t know anything about the schemes of movie studios.

Your kid and her friends just want to watch the commentary where the pale face Brit tells what it was like to make out with Miss Dead Eyes.  But it’s not there.  So, you march down to return the stupid thing (open box returns are fun) and you are presented with a well stocked after holiday shelf where you find the following:

1. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Two-Disc Special Edition) DVD
2. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Single-Disc Edition) DVD
3. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Single-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo) Special Edition DVD and Blu-ray on a flip disc
4. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Single-Disc Edition) Blu-ray

Can you guess which one has special features, or which features each one has?  If you said number 1 and 3 you’re win a prize (that being the ability to hear Miss Dead Eyes attempt to emote).  Further, can you guess which are the only ones the studios will sell to the rental companies?

This leaves only one question.  What took them so long?

The art of the motorcycle gas tank

5 comments

Here’s a collection of photos of motorcycle gas tanks. To me, they’re functional art. A lot of the best ones (in my opinion, at least) came on British bikes of the 60s, but American, Japanese and Italian motos are also represented here. Enjoy.

(Click the thumbnail to view the full image.)

Let’s Get Boozy: The Classics

9 comments

If you’re looking for some simple cocktails to make this New Year’s you’ve found the right place.  With four ingredients or less these classic cocktails are quick to make, and easy to cater to personal tastes.  Perfect for when you’re serving a crowd. Fair warning, while these drinks may seem easier to assemble than more complicated cocktails, they can actually be much harder to master. Everyone knows what they should taste like, and you have high expectations to live up to when serving them.  So before starting to assemble your drinks make sure you have the appropriate hardware, and high-quality ingredients. So go make some ice, grab you cocktail shaker, THROW AWAY those pre-made mixes, and join me for this classic edition of Let’s Get Boozy. Continue reading →