La Vida Sencilla (The Simple Life)

Now that I am only a month or two away from moving away from the tiny Mexican pueblo – about an hour away from Puerto Vallarta – that has been my home for the last seven years, the anticipation I felt at returning to live in the United States has been replaced by a general feeling of dread, a kind of malaise of the soul.  All I can think of is how much I will miss almost everything about this town: most especially, my warm, welcoming and easily communicative neighbors, none of whom speaks English.  They have all been tremendously patient with me as I chatter away in my amusingly broken Spanish (although it is far better than it was when I arrived with five years of long-ago language schooling and little practical experience speaking it).

I am flummoxed as to why in the U.S., Mexicans have received an undeserved reputation as being lazy; it is my experience that nothing could be further from the truth. In addition to witnessing how hard they work, I have also come to greatly respect their sense of reverence for family – extending quite literally from the cradle to the grave. I have been fortunate to have been invited to baptisms, quincinieras (a huge party for a girl’s 15th birthday), weddings and funerals over the years, and always, I have been treated with respect even though I am clearly not a native Mexican.

The picture accompanying this post is the view from the roof of my house; the vacant lot next door is home to a couple of cows and an obviously nocturnal donkey who serenades us often in the middle of the night. Chickens and dogs wander freely, and herds of goats and cows traverse the town’s small and perilously uneven cobblestone streets. Horses are mostly used for transporting tourists curious about our unusual bucolic existence. Young children safely walk unescorted through the streets; traffic is light, drivers are cautious in town, and everyone here knows each other, which enhances a feeling of safety as well as community.

Elsewhere in Mexico, there have been reports of rampant violence related to drug cartels and/or high unemployment. In Puerto Vallarta, the cruise lines imposed a moratorium on cruises into the are which lasted almost a year. But the violence which Bad Karma wrote about in his article on San Miguel de Allende (12 hours away from here) has, thankfully, not affected us. There have been an increase of break-ins in a wealthy nearby enclave, but no injuries or deaths as a result.

Fortunately, the word has gotten out that this area is a relatively safe one, and the cruise ships and tourists are back in force, sampling the various Mexican delicacies – from taco stands to high-end restaurants – sunning and surfing on the glorious beaches and shopping  at the tianguis (outdoor bazaar-style stalls), locally owned shops or expansive malls. This is the best time of year, weather wise – it is absolutely ideal – and many tourists come to seek brief refuge from their inhospitable home environs. A friend of mine just regrettably returned to Chicago after two weeks in paradise. Her response upon returning home was a terse “I don’t even want to talk about it.”

After living in such a friendly, open and free environment, my concern is that living back in the U.S. will feel stultifying to me in comparison with the liberation I’ve been so blessed to experience here. My hope is that the friendships that I form (and re-incite) when I return to America will encourage me to continue being as warm, kind and open as my Mexican neighbors have inspired me to be.

Hollywood Heartbreak: Forever Channing

Is he the muse of our generation? Likely. We just can’t get enough of this dancing shagstick.

It must be his superb gift for catapulting us out of reality with his dearth of acting prowess. Literally we just don’t know where we are when we watch him scintillate on the big screen. We think babies weep with profound joy at his mere utterances. I’m sure they do. I’ve seen it. Babies just stop what they’re doing and are completely mesmerized by the ethereal tones spoken by this glowing beacon of a Messiah, and softly they weep. They know they’ll never match the glorious theocracy of the chosen McTatum Jesuspants. I know I won’t, ever.

The following is what he’ll bring to the masses, soon children…soon.

Pan: Oh, holy bulging tights! The Channing’s meat roll will be covered in nylon and flying through the air like a zip line of sex hurtling across the cosmos! Would we like that? Well, shamefully, yes. Of course we would. Who wouldn’t want a sky full of Channing dong? No, seriously. Okay. The Tasty Tatum Tater, screenwriter Billy Ray, and producer Joe Roth have pitched Pan, an origin story from J.M. Barrie’s classic character of Peter Pan, to Hollywood studios. Apparently the story has entered into the public domain, so that means it’s open season for all thrustdimples with barely an acting résumé to try and stuff the story into their overfilled jockey shorts and play matchmaker with a studio. The Roth guy is currently producing Oz, The Great and Powerful for Disney and Snow White and the Huntsman for Universal. Billy Ray Cyrus Writer-Person has adapted popular Suzanne Collins YA novel The Hunger Games. So their interest in yet another fantasy story to mash with their money fists is not surprising. The “WTF nugget” is Channing Tatum. Is he hoping to star in this remake? Produce? Rub the contract on his loins? I dunno. I guess we’ll find out.

G.I. Joe: 2: Paramount Pictures is a silly place with silly ideas. Weren’t we all on the same page in our collective obese hatred of G.I. Joe: I Can Make Robot Noises With My Mouth? I thought this was understood. You thought so too, right? Well, somebody didn’t wake up the Paramount execs when this was screened so obviously they’re under the impression that we thought the first one of these things was like Shakespeare covered in cheesecake or something. Filming this fall is Channing Steak Tartare Meatgiggles and a returning Wayans Brother possibly Marlon (the Wayans brother is unconfirmed). However, director Stephen Sommers is out — because he’d like not to have his name attached to another steaming pile of monkey dung. Jon Chu director of Step Up 2: The Streets, Step Up 3D and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is stepping in. So, dancing and warbling like a stray cat on a fence while making robot noises with their mouths, then? In the aftermath of Paramount announcing Chu as Sommers’ replacement, some voracious twittering happened by Rachel Nichols (Um, yeah, I don’t know who that is) who played Scarlett in the first film (Oh, her! Really, who is she?)  who says adamantly that only Tatum GrindThighs and two other dudes who played Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (By Mattel)  will return. Tough words from a chick who no one remembers! She’ll be back.

Robocop Remake Gets A Brazilian: First of all, have you guys seen Peter Weller lately? Yoikes. He looks like he fell into a whiskey bottle trapped under a leather couch and just emerged as a fusion of the two. Not good. Anyway they’re moving forward with this movie about police-borgs, or Picard-cops, or robot-Romulans. Darren Aronofsky, director of stupid Natalie Portman birds, and Hugh Jackman’s boyfriend named Wolverine, is out. I assume because MGM was having buttloads of financial trouble, and because he was just nominated for a fooking Oscar. You can’t almost win a fooking Oscar and then go direct Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal. So in comes Brazilian director Jose Padilha who very few people have heard of. Now that that’s settled all they need is a screenwriter. You mean Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal can’t write itself? I would think robot with guns kills bad guys and then says unfunny robotic quip about breaking the law and breaking skulls or some such drivel. No? Okay. Fans of the Robocop movies are not happy about this turn of events. Fans of the Robocop movies need to find more girls to talk to.

Percy Jackson Will Moonwalk: So the youngest member of the Jackson family will get a sequel to Disney’s 3-D action movie Captain EO. Prepare for Epcot to be Sold. Out. Wait. No. Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief that little fantasy movie about Gods with magic penlights and men with goat feet will get a sequel called Something and a Sea of Monsters. Percy will have to save his little satyr friend, i.e. man with the goat legs, from a Cyclops while also attempting to find the Golden Fleece. So mythical and multitask-oriented is that Percy Jermaine Jackson. The screenwriting team of Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, Agent Cody Banks, That Darn Cat, Ed Wood and The People Vs Larry Flynt, will make sure Percy gets his Potter on (That Darn Cat!). Most of the cast will be back, because what is there to do — go see the sequels of every other teen fantasy movie coming out this year like Harry Potter: Death to Smoochy, and Twilight: Pulsing Uteri. Plan for this to hit your theater around 2013 or so. You have a couple years to find out what a satyr is and all about that Golden Fleece if you care, or you can just wait to watch this thing celebrate ancient polytheism and a whoring Zeus with all his half-god bastards — six of one.

Blade Runner Last of the Mohicans: So it comes down to this, eh? Most every Sci-Fi film from the 1980’s is already slated for destruction so why not Blade Runner? Alcon Entertainment (The Blind Side, The Book of Eli) and Warner Bros. have secured the film and television rights to produce prequels and sequels to this. We all hope if they’re gonna do it, that it’s a movie sequel/prequel because we’ve already seen Buck Rogers and we don’t want to go back there again no matter how many Twiggies you seduce us with, and mostly because NBC will fuck that shit up. The i09 guys got some sort of exclusive with the producers that told us absolutely nothing about what this will be! Except that there will still be Replicants! Goody! I guess. Whatever. Leave it alone. They discussed the lore and all that, but mostly we’re just excited for Cowboys and Aliens. This is how we’ll get our Harrison Ford fix.

Casting News:

Looks like King Aragorn from that movie with all the slow walking trees may join the rebooted Superman reboot. He may be cast as General Zod (Kneel!). We’re not sure how we feel about Viggo in a black jumpsuit, though. Could be sexy. Could look like he’s got tacos wrapped up in a chest sling. We’ll wait for the first stills.

That’s it. Channing wants to Sex U Up. Robocop is stupid. The name Percy sounds like a miniature schnauzer. The Blade Runner prequel/sequel death march will send us screaming into a fetal position, and we’re not sure Viggo in a jumpsuit will make us lustful or bloated. We need a Tums.

* All references to our savior Channing Tatum are dedicated to Richard Lawson.

Flashback Friday: Rock Out with Your **** Out

Queen. Pat Benatar. AC/DC. Def Leppard. They rocked us so hard we strained our necks hand-banging along AND our vocal chords trying to hit those high notes while screaming at the top of our lungs.

I have a distinct memory of singing “Cum on feel the noize” while swinging as high as I could on the swingset at school. I did not know how the name of the song was spelled (and neither did my mom).

Then of course, there’s badass Joan Jett. I used to roller skate my ass off to this song.

Break out the black concert tee, your ripped jeans and let’s rock it out!

Upcoming FBF themes:
Boy bands
Hip Hop
Hair bands
Lady R&B supergroups
Grunge
Party music…Stay tuned!

Infinite Mourning: How Personal Grudges Become Congressional Hearings

As Peter King looked out over the circus he had convened yesterday he only had one thing on his mind: revenge. And this time it was personal.

“It was personal, he says, for everyone in his Long Island district, which was home to dozens of the police, firefighters and financial workers who died at the World Trade Center.” It was time for him to finally have revenge upon those that had so cruelly turned their shoulders on him all those years ago.

You see, King knows that Muslims are more likely to engage in terrorist activities because, well, they’re Muslim and the Islamic faith is inherently violent. Wait. That sounds an awful lot like racism and gross generalization. Nevertheless, King, the chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee has seen it first hand; that’s right King has seen Muslim-Americans being Muslims, right here in America. King has actually spent a lot of time with the Muslim-American community so he should definitely know what they’re all about. King insists that “radicalization” (I think this means they’ve started skateboarding and listening to Suicidal Tendencies) in fucking rampant in Muslim-American communities, so much so that it’s necessary to hold hearings about it. Obviously these hearings are complete bullshit and really serve to either 1) ease the paranoia of King and similarly minded political friends or 2) maintain the discourse of scary Muslim terrorists maybe working at your local deli, plotting to put a stick of dynamite in your corn beef and rye. Actually, it’s probably a bit of both, wouldn’t you say? And to think King accused his detractors of being hysterical.

You see, King’s hearings smack all too much of political pandering. Back in January people gathered at the Long Island Islamic Center to discuss the upcoming hearings and what could be done to stop them. However, for this mosque the issue was particularly upsetting. “He used to come to our weddings. He ate dinner in our homes,” the mosque’s chairman, Habeeb Ahmed, said of King, the man whom is supposed to represent them in congress. No member of the Islamic Center in Long Island has ever been accused of terrorism and King has had long ties with the community; yet King has now turned on people he once considered friends, calling the Long Island Islamic Center a “hotbed” of radical Islam and accusing its leaders of being Islamic extremists.

It’s hard to guess what King’s motivation for conducting these hearings is (one can assume they’re partly political, King sees the way the country is swinging and wants to be able to say he was on the front-lines against radical Islam, in a district that’s 90% white alienating a religious minority might actually improve you electoral standings), although he had this to say yesterday as he opened the hearings: “Al-Qaeda is actively targeting the American Muslim community for recruitment. Today’s hearing will address this dangerous trend.”  King has also maintained time and time again that Muslim communities are not doing enough to stop radicalization within their communities. This is ostensibly the real reason for the hearings being held: King believes that not only must all Muslims be held accountable for the acts of fringe groups that represent an extremely small portion of the actual Muslim population but that they must meet his standards of what constitutes appropriate measures to prevent terrorist acts from happening.

King’s split with his Muslim constituents began immediately after 9/11; when King first became congressman he would deliver speeches at the Islamic Center often and held book signings in the prayer hall. He took in Muslim interns and was one of the few Republicans who supported U.S. intervention in the 1990s to help Muslims in Bosnia and Kosovo. In return King had received generous outpourings of support from the Muslim community in his district, including significant financial contributions. In the days following 9/11 Americans were confused and bewildered; no one knew what to believe or discredit as false and there was vast amounts of conspiracy theories and conjecture being thrown around. It was in the climate of confusion that one of the Islamic Center’s directors, Ghazi Khankan, made this comment:

“Who really benefits from such a horrible tragedy that is blamed on Muslims

and Arabs? Definitely Muslims and Arabs do not benefit. It must be the enemy

of  Muslims and Arabs. An independent investigation must take place.”

This seems like a perfectly reasonable statement to have made at the time and was probably in response to a direct question regarding who could possibly benefit from committing such an atrocity. Personally, if my religion (I don’t have one, but if I did) was being blamed left and right my first reaction would probably also be one of denial; who wants to think their religious brethren could be capable of such a thing? However, the failure to immediately react without thinking whatsoever infuriated King who claimed they were turning their back on America at its time of greatest need, “they were trying to look the other way while friends of mine were being murdered.” So it would seem that these hearings are the culmination of the grudge and resentment that King began to hold deep within his soul when his friends failed to rabidly demand vengeance for the death of 3000 Americans. He was upset that they didn’t mourn as hard as he did, didn’t want to exact vengeance on the perpetrators with every fiber of their being as King did.

“You have to understand the confusion and shock at the time,” continued Khankan, “tapes of Osama bin Laden had just been released in which he praised but was not yet openly taking responsibility for the attacks. Many at the mosque still remembered that Muslims had been immediately and falsely blamed for the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing.” See, the unfortunate truth is that not every American does feel as strongly about 9/11 as others might. America has an enormous and diverse population with a regrettable history of systemic discrimination against racial and religious minorities. I’m sure most Muslims fervently denounce the 9/11 attacks (King actually claimed yesterday during the hearings that 15% of American Muslims believe suicide bombings are justified, which in itself is a completely negligible percentage but a bit of digging reveals that the poll he was referring to states this:  It is 12% with 5% saying it is “rarely justified,” 7% saying “sometimes,” and 1% saying it is “justified.” This adds up to 13 percent) but can we blame them for not all rallying around the flag as America geared up to launch a war into the heart of their religious community? Can we blame Muslims for being wary of rabid, nationalist Islamophobia given the deep history of suspicion that Khankan’s above quotation speaks to?

“My district, I think it is a good barometer. Nobody in my district didn’t know somebody who was killed on Sept. 11. It is still very personal.” Look, Mr. King, I’m sorry your friends died.

I’m sorry that you were upset by your friends too, Mr. King, I really am. I’m sorry that their denouncement of 9/11 (which the Islamic Center did time and again as more information came to light) was not passionate enough or American enough for you. I’m sorry but you should be ashamed of yourself. You are a grown man and because you cannot control your emotions you have brought an invasive and arbitrary interrogation to bear on your own constituents from the very highest level of government. These are people that supported you, they gave you money, they fucking elected you to be their congressional representative and you’ve now sold them down the river for cheap political gain. You’re personal grudges shouldn’t be resolved through the congressional harassment of an entire religious group, Mr. King.

house.gov, MSNBC, WaPo image via Guardian

NYC On a Budget (Of Nothing)

As someone who’s done their fair share of couch crashing, I feel I’ve become somewhat of I’m definitely an expert on being poor in New York City. Yes, I moved back home to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my failure of a life and, more importantly, be able to eat on a daily basis, but you know what? Being poor in New York rocks. Well, as long as you’re young, pretty and know the right people. The following may not work for anti-social uggos.

1) Be a Good Actor

Did you spend all the money your parents sent you on bagels and coke and now find yourself in the middle of Times Square at 1AM, in drag, without any way of getting home because you’re borrowing your friend’s bike and she went upstate for a few days and it’s locked away in her dorm at NYU?

It’s not a problem! You can’t hop a turnstile in this area, it’s too heavily policed, but while walking down 40th, give yourself a panic attack, walk into the subway station and start freaking out about how you just got mugged and mutter about how you used to think the Garment District was safe these days!.

The station operator will alert a police officer who will ask if you want to file a report. Say no! You just want to get home. He’ll ask you where you live. Say Brooklyn, off the G. He’ll feel bad for you and let you in. Congratulations! You have just conned your way to free transportation. Get home safe, buddy!

2) Know Your Parties

Have you not eaten in days? No worries, go downtown! I know, I know the Meatpacking is so five years ago, but, you know what? A lot of those clubs serve dinner, and they’re actually really good! I had some great burgers and a mind-blowing grilled cheese at Avenue one time. They have really good steak too, and, as long as you’re with a promoter, that’s all free, along with a couple bottles of vodka!

SoHo Grand’s been cutting down on their promoters and, my favorite (who no longer works there, unfortunately), the fabulous Sofia Lamar always ordered us fried octopus, pizza and fries. No food tastes better than free food.

It’s also a good idea to know which open bars work best for you. The answer to that? All of them. My favorite is the Vandam party which serves free vodka drinks for the first half hour. It’s my favorite because my friends and I have a system that nets us around 30 free drinks during that period.

2a) Don’t Discriminate

Forever 21 makes really cheap clothes, but if you ever get a chance to go to one of their parties, go. They throw the best damn parties. Champagne flowing like it’s water, hors d’oeurves of amazing quality that never seem to run out and gift bags with free clothes! And they’re always early! We finished around 1130, then popped up to Hudson Hotel for more bottles before heading downtown for yet more free alcohol and cute boys.

2c) Know Your Bartenders

I can’t stress this enough. Tip them when you have money and tip them well. You will be rewarded with free drinks after enough time. This one bartender shot me a missed connection after seeing my most terrible karaoke performance of all time in Williamsburg and while I never got to his bar because it was all the way in Greenpoint (seriously people, I just don’t do the G late at night. It’s traumatic. I’d get off the A and walk to get home), I have drink tickets for when I’m back in New York because we stayed in touch.

3)  Sleep Around

Explore the city by letting others explore your body. You don’t have to sleep on your friend’s floor every night! Just meet a cute guy and go back to his place. After all, you have an insane roommate, so you obviously can’t go back to your place! Finally, a good night’s rest!

4) Be Into Art

Did you know that you can get into the Met for a penny? Surely you can scrounge up a penny. That will give you hours of air conditioning during those sultry, summer months.

There’s also a gallery opening every night, and you know what’s at those openings? Free food and booze.

5) Be Social

You never know who you’re talking to. It might be the owner and then you might get more free booze. Happened at B.E.S., happened at B.East, and, basically, it can happen anywhere. Everything from cocaine to Patron to Margiela can be yours for free as long as you’re a social butterfly who knows how to work the game. It’s not easy, but you can do it! I know you can! Get out there and enjoy being young and poor in New York City! To be in poverty is to be in bliss.

Tracking the Crazies: Quiverfull

If you’ve ever watched 42 Kids and Counting, you might have noticed that the Duggar family has an abnormal number of children. You might wonder if they’ve ever heard of birth control or if it’s possibly a polygamous family where the children have a variety of mothers. You might think, perhaps, that some of the children are adopted. If you listen to the introduction to the show, you’ll hear the mother say that she delivered every single one of them. Jealous?

The Duggars have a plethora of children not because of luck, faulty birth control or adoption; they are actively trying to have as many children as possible. The Duggars are perhaps the most famous family in a movement called “Quiverfull.” I think Quiverfull sort of sounds like some sort of naughty urge, but it is actually a religious thing. The name “Quiverfull” is taken from from Psalm 127: “Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.” The father is the warrior and the children are the “arrows”. They’ve taken the command “Be fruitful and multiply” very, very literally.

Quiverfull families deliberately leave all birth control in “God’s hands”. That means the women don’t use birth control at all, not even natural family planning. They view many types of birth control, such as the pill and IUDs, as a form of abortion. Women are encouraged to become maternal missionaries – a phrase coined by Mary Pride in her thrilling epic “The Way Home: Beyond Feminism, Back to Reality”. (I think her book reads a bit more like “Before Feminism, the Way Back to The Stone Ages”). Women are serving an important mission for God by having lots of children and demonstrating good maternal behavior.

The Quiverfull faithful have two main goals. First, they are submitting to God’s will. He decides how many children the family will have. The families are demonstrating their faith by allowing God to control the size of the family. Secondly, they’re creating a sizable generation of Christians. It’s their way of stocking up for the future. The more faithful children they produce, the more Christians will have control of the country in the future. Ah, what a wonderful world it will be when they outnumber the heathens.

Quiverfull isn’t attached to a particular doctrine. They embrace many of the Catholic teaching on birth control but the movement is generally attached to evangelical and fundamentalist Christians. The concept of wifely submission is important in the Quiverfull movement. The households are patriarchies. The man is clearly in charge and the women are encouraged to submit to their husbands’ leadership.

You can just imagine how Quiverfull people feel about feminism. They tend to view the women’s liberation movement as a tool of the devil. It splits apart families, promotes abortion, sends women to work outside the home and promotes divorce. Women are corrupted by feminism which leads to them abandoning their God-given roles as wives, homemakers and mothers. Daughters in Quiverfull families learn their roles as caretakers early. Because the families are large and the mothers exhausted, older daughters are given responsibility to take care of younger children.

It’s estimated that there are tens of thousands of Quiverfull folk, but no one knows for sure. Two concepts that Quiverfull families often adopt are homeschooling and homesteading. It’s probably no surprise that a highly religious group would opt for homeschooling, where they can control the content and avoid concepts like evolution and women’s rights. Homesteading is a philosophy of self-reliance. These are not groups that have large families and rely on public assistance. Instead, adherents live simply. They make their own clothing, grow vegetables and live simply.

Women in the movement often opt for natural childbirth and sometimes, home-birth. It’s interesting because many home-birth supporters are much more liberal than the average Quiverfull family. However, they share many of the same ideas about birth as a natural process that does not require medical intervention. Anna Duggar’s home-birth was filmed (no lady parts were on display). Also, not surprisingly, many of the Quiverfull mindset choose to homeschool their children.

The Duggars are an interesting example of the lifestyle in that they are extremely financially secure (partially due to their TV series). This is the exception rather than the rule. Many large families struggle to make ends meet. It can put a great deal of stress on a large family and can lead to fractures in marriages. If women want to leave the Quiverfull lifestyle, they often feel trapped. The women have been out of the workforce for a long time and many never worked outside the home. The lack of job skills partnered with the high costs of childcare can be daunting. These women often have few resources to help them build a new life because their community generally does not approve of divorce.

I went to some Quiverfull websites. There were plenty of articles about the importance of wifely submission and many articles detailed the joys of motherhood. I also found lots of information on the imaginary link between breast cancer and abortion. Sigh. There was also discussion of how vasectomy can lead to prostate cancer and arthritis. Some adherents even go so far as to have vasectomies and tubal ligations reversed so that they can submit to God’s plan for their families.

If there’s any interest, I’ll explore the idea of courting in another column (I especially love the concept of defrauding). In the meantime, here is an excellent forum on the lifestyle: quiverfull.com. There is a book called “A Full Quiver”. Here is the link to the Duggar’s famous tater tot casserole. I would be so psyched if someone made it and reported back: duggarfamily.com. Also, I’m considering starting a pool about which Duggar kid will freak out and join a death metal band. There are 19 of them. You know that one of them is going to freak out.

For additional reading see: No Longer Quivering and the Quiver Full blog.

Thursday Overnight Open Thread

Well Crasstalk, hope you have had a great day. Since it is technically Friday for most of us soon, here is some classic weekend tv.

Ah, the good old days before Michael Richards was a scary racist. Have a great night, gang.

No One Here Gets Out Alive: The Thrilling Conclusion

In Part One, we examined the need for choosing a Health Care Proxy and making decisions about your Advanced Directives. In Part Two, we examined the realities about CPR and artificial nutrition.  Those are the big decisions that you need to make, but there are other things you may want to consider and put in your Advanced Directives/Living Will.

Hospital Transfers (Do Not Hospitalize order): If you are in a nursing home or even receiving treatment at home, you or your HCP can request a Do Not Hospitalize (DNH) order which is basically what it says.  If you  were to become acutely ill, you would not be sent to the Emergency Room  for evaluation and treatment, but be treated where you are, non-aggressively.  Hospitals can be a crappy place to spend your last hours.  Busy, noisy and intrusive not to mention frightening to someone with dementia or really anyone in crisis.  Hospitals are not the place for a peaceful death – if that is your goal.  However, without an explicit order, it’s possible that you may get sent in by a skittish provider who is not familiar with you or your wishes.

No Diagnostics or Treatment: You can also ask to have no diagnostic work – blood work, x-rays etc.  And request not to be treated for such common ailments as a urinary tract infection or respiratory infection.  You may decline surgery, dialysis, blood transfusions and medications.

Organ Donation: Please, please, please be an organ donor.  Let your family know of your decision and register as an organ donor. Even if you or your loved one has been sick for a while, they may still be eligible to donate skin, tissue or corneas.  There is a myth that if you register as an organ donor, the ER staff will not work as hard to save you.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  ER doctors and nurses live to save lives.  It’s what they do, it’s who they are.  Trauma unit staff take it personally if they can’t save you.  It’s all they think about.  They are not going to let you die if there is a single thing they can do about it.  So please don’t not register because of this urban legend.

There are always going to be situations that don’t fit into the categories we have discussed.  Again, I will recommend Five Wishes.  This tool helps you think about life and death and what you priorities are.  You can also use it to think about what a loved one may have wanted, if they haven’t expressed their wishes beforehand.

Nothing is harder than to have to make these decisions for someone you love.  Please try to talk about this with you loved ones.  Even if you can’t talk about it directly, try to understand and appreciate what makes life worth living for them, what their spiritual beliefs are so you can make the best decisions should you ever be in that position.  And always remember it’s about the person who is sick, not about you.  What would they have wanted?  How would they want to live or die?  What was important to them?

For anyone who is going through, or has gone through this, you have my deepest sympathy.  I hope you are able to find peace and feel that you have done the best for your loved one.

As promised, an excerpt from my own advanced directives:

In the event that I

a)     Am in a terminal condition caused by illness or injury and have no reasonable hope of recovery or becoming aware of my surrounding or being able to use my mental abilities and/or;

b)    Have a progressive illness which will continue to worsen and result in my death and which cannot be improved or cured –including, but not limited to, progressive neurological diseases including, but not limited to: Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, ALS, MS, or any form of dementia and/or;

c)     Have any condition that makes me unable to recognize people or to speak understandably and this condition is permanent and cannot be improved or cured, but is not considered in and of itself to be terminal, including, but not limited to, a persistent vegetative state, coma, severe stroke, injury or the progressive neurological diseases or dementias listed above, my wishes regarding medical intervention are the following:

No resuscitation (no manual, electrical or chemical cardiac resuscitation)

No intubation or any form of respiratory support (see below re: oxygen

No dialysis, no blood transfusions

No surgery for any reason or condition

No oral or IV/IM antibiotics or any other medications given with the intent of saving or prolonging my life.  Any underling medical conditions such as (but not limited to) diabetes, hypertension, DVT should not be treated, nor do I wish to be treated for any acute illnesses including (but not limited to) urinary tract infection or respiratory infection.

No artificial or supplemental nutrition or hydration in any form or via any mode of delivery.

No diagnostic testing or monitoring whatsoever.  No blood work, no imaging nor any other test invasive or non-invasive to diagnose any illness or condition.

If I am in a skilled nursing facility, sub-acute or rehab hospital, no transfers to any acute care hospital or emergency department for care or evaluation under any circumstance.

I DO, however, wish to be given any medication, including, but not limited to, narcotic and/or non-narcotic pain relievers, benzodiazepines, anticonvulsants or similar medications IF the sole purpose is to decrease pain and/or increase comfort. As a nurse, I fully understand that these medications often, when used in amounts necessary to fully ease suffering, may hasten or even cause my death.  I also authorize the use of oxygen so long as it is being used for comfort measures and not for prolongation of life.