Monday Box Office: Extraterrestrial Dominance

Apparently we like things that blow up, sound like Johnny Depp, really should make us want to hug our moms, and are full of magical headwear — where hats and hoods abound.

Let’s see who made a little money this weekend.

1) Battle: Los Angeles — $36 million

BOOM!: The Movie made a good hunk of change this weekend. And just why wouldn’t it? It’s not everyday Alien attack movies show up to make bank at the box office. Usually they just peter along with all their special effects and flashy spaceships and the American public is like, “What? Space aliens that attack the country and some guy has to save the world, and there will be, like, explosions and gun battles, and maybe a full out war? Huh? No, I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to see that at all. Survivor: Season 900 Billion Twenty-Seven is on. That’s what I’m doing today. Whatever, aliens.” Given this, we’re going to assume the success of this movie is an anomaly that won’t be repeated.

2) Rango — $23 million

Officer Tom Hanson along with a team of young-looking police officers have started an undercover unit that specialize in youth crime. He will clean up those mean streets by infiltrating every high school known to man and then eventually hook up with a crazy-haired necrotic gremlin and go on to make several surreal, foppish, strange, and endlessly similar movies until he hooks up with Disney and runs around dressed like a pirate at a Michael Kors fashion show…and then out of nowhere appears a Gecko.

3) Red Riding Hood — $14 million

Amanda Bynes, Colin Firth’s illegitimate daughter, was in retirement when this was made. Fortuitous! This means there was a movie available for Amanda Seyfried, freed from the Big Love Compound of Endless Pronouncements About The Principle, to take on this miraculous gem of a film about werewolf threesomes, Gary Oldman’s waning career, and Jeremy Irons’ son doing some sort of hot-sexy teen grimace. Apparently some of you cared about who the werewolf was. Many more of you didn’t. I just think they should have said, “This is Twilight, but less so, so here, watch this silly thing about fairytale werewolves and Amanda Seyfried’s big kewpie eyes, because, really, that’s all we’ve got.”

4) The Adjustment Bureau — $11 million

The power to adjust the world and cause paradoxical ripple effects lies in the hands of Justin Timberlake’s hat choices from 2007. Right? Right. Seems simple enough. Oh, and then there’s Matt Obama Damon running for Senator of New York and talking about change, and being a real candidate. We’ve heard that one before, Matt! Ha! Take your magic hat and do something like end war and dictatorship! No? You want to be with a girl. Well, okay. What girl? A British girl. Um, okay. You do know that we were once under their rule, right? And that they call us Yankees. And that they eat lots of tea and cake (So un-American, the tea and cake) and something called Bangers and Mash, and they Shag and Wank, and say Bollocks, and make a ssshhh sound when they say Schedule, instead of the American scckkkkkk sound? But you want to risk everything for her though, right? Okay, Brilliant!

5) Mars Needs Moms — $6 million

Oh, ho! Disney made some money off of this thing about one-dimensional mom characters. There was a fight over broccoli, a boy who didn’t give a fig that his mom was taken by aliens, and when he finally stopped jumping on Mars’ trampoline, he asked his overlords if they could find his mom by miming vacuuming a rug, because Disney believes that all mothers have vacuum cleaners extending from their shoulders in place of actual hands. Yup. Let’s all see this little movie about June Cleaver and The Beaver “Aww, momming” and “Now, Beaving” their way into the copious annals of Disney history for now and forever through to the year 2050, when moms will become princesses and husband Charming will ride along and give their lives new meaning and replace those vacuum hands with singing birds! The End.

The Amazing Race: Yakety Yak, Don’t Turn Back

Welcome back, Race spectators!

The teams started out at the pit stop at the mouth of Tokyo Bay in Japan, which is sort of disturbing timing considering the parade of horrible events that is still unfolding in that country. I would like to say a few words about it before diving into the recap, but I have no words. It is simply that awful.

The Nerds were the first team to arrive at the pit stop at 8:44am at departed at 8:44pm. Their destination is Jade Dragon Mountain in Li Jiang, China.  But, because there were so few available flights (really? Not a lot of flights from Japan to China? That seemed a little sketchy), all of the teams had to take the same designated flight to Kungming China and then book their own local transportation to Li Jiang.

Zev’s reaction? “There’s a lot of people in China, I’m not much of a people person.” Thank you for that insight, Zev.

Someone who is considerably more excited about going to China than Zev is Old Yeller because he and Christina speak Chinese.  On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum are The Sisters Who Had To Pee In China because it is the scene of their ill-timed nature break.  Also, China is where The Sisters and Deaf Guy And His Umbilical Cord had a kerfuffle during which one of the sisters called Umbilical Cord a bitch. Which she is.  Joining The Sisters in China Misery: Part Deux are The Cheerleaders who did not enjoy their brief stay the last time around because nobody spoke English or appreciated their inner beauty.

The teams had to drive themselves to the airport. Does anybody else find the Deaf Guy driving disturbing? I didn’t know that was allowed, but then again I’ve never really thought about it very deeply. I’m too lazy to Google “Deaf Driving,” but if someone wants to elaborate on the ins and outs of driving while hearing impaired, it would be greatly appreciated.

The drive to the airport was uneventful for all but one team—the “Couple.” They got very, very, very lost. Kynt was driving and Vyxsin was doing just an awful job of navigating and it was unclear how long they had been on the road but they left at night and it was daytime when she realized that the compass pointed in the wrong direction.  We soon learned that all of the other teams had three hours before their 9:50am flight.

Could the “Couple” actually miss the flight? Uh huh. It was 9am when they finally turned around and were headed in the right direction, but they were nowhere near the airport. The flight boarded at 9:20am and took off without them! The flight really took off without them! That rarely ever happens, and it may be the first time in TAR history that a team has missed a pre-arranged mandatory flight.  Whatever the case, it was not looking good for the “Couple.” The next flight to China left about five hours later, a lifetime in TAR years. But, they soldiered on.

Once in China, the teams scrambled to figure out how to get to Li Jiang first. There seemed to be a choice between trains and planes, but no automobiles.  All of the teams opted for a train, with Old Yeller being the only team to make it onto an earlier train.  It didn’t matter though because the first shuttle to Jade Dragon Mountain left at 8am which allowed the other teams to catch up.

In the meantime, Old Yeller stopped for a snack of what I think he called dragon balls. He thought they were delicious. He was very focused on food and annoyed his daughter throughout the entire leg of the race about snacks. “Can I have my yogurt now? Oh those little grilled fish look delicious! Let me just grab a few fried scorpions to tide me over.” It’s a race for a million dollars and he’s trying to turn China into a giant tapas bar.

The rest of the teams caught up with Old Yeller as they hopped onto shuttle buses headed up the mountain. They all noted that the “Couple” weren’t there. It has been days since anyone saw them.  The “Couple” actually arrived at 2:20am, but the airport was closed and the trains weren’t running that late so they found a hotel and took a nap. In the morning, they opted for a flight to Li Jiang, and before boarding the flight, Vyxsin realized that she left her passport at the security checkpoint. This team is just an absolute mess! Get it together, “Couple,” or you’re gonna be Philiminated!

While the “Couple” was bumbling through the airport, the other teams encountered a task called “Yak Yak Yak!” Since nothing called “Yak Yak Yak!” can ever be bad, the teams were in a generally pleasant mood as they saddled up their yaks and rode them across a river. The Cowboys made saddling up a yak look easy with their mad cowboy skills while the Nerds were having a bit of trouble getting on their Yak. The Globetrotters basically just stood there with their legs spread apart and when the yak walked underneath them, they sat down.

After the yak rides, the teams had to take the Jade Dragon Gondola three miles above sea level to get their next clue. The altitude was making teams woozy, and they all seemed to be having a good deal of trouble running.

Roadblock! One team member had to search tens of thousands of hanging charms for the twelve animals of the Chinese zodiac and place the charms in the correct order on a wind chime. Do you know what wind chimes are for? Stupid people who don’t know that it is windy.

The Deaf Kid collected his charms first, but he got the assembly wrong. The Daughter got hers right so Father/Daughter were the first team out of the Roadblock. They then had to find a marked bus and travel to the old town of Li Jiang. Old Yeller finished next, then the Deaf Kid, the Cowboys, the Globetrotters, the Cheerleaders and the Sisters.  Zev was the only one left. He was looking for a rabbit charm and was incredibly frustrated.

In the meantime, the “Couple” headed up on the gondola. And we know it’s not just fancy editing because as the other teams were headed down on the Gondola, they passed the “Couple” headed up. Folks, we have a race on our hands! The “Couple” showed up while Zev was still trying to complete the task. He had found the last charm, but didn’t understand that he had to hang the charms in the order that they appear on the zodiac chart.

At the bottom of the mountain, Old Yeller hopped on a bus without checking to see if it was a marked bus. It wasn’t. It was just a regular old shuttle bus that didn’t have any doors. Old Yeller was pissed because they were going in the wrong direction which, naturally, was Christina’s fault.  The driver wouldn’t turn around, so Christina jumped out of a moving vehicle, landing on her back. I am not sure if she did this to win the race, or to end it once and for all. It was very, very strange. The bus finally stopped and Old Yeller got out. The two of them ran down an incline to the other buses which were already on the road, flailing their arms and yelling for the buses to stop. All of the teams ignored them (I think I heard the Cheerleaders tell their driver to speed up and head for the old man chomping on a fruit roll-up), but the Globetrotters stopped the bus because they are just wonderful people. I sure hope nice guys don’t finish last.

Once in the town, there was a boring thing about a zodiac sign and a wish. Then the teams had a choice between Hammer or Horn. In Hammer, teams had to pulverize hot molten candy. In Horn, teams had to carry a long ceremonial horn in a precession to a palace. All teams chose Hammer except the Cheerleaders and the Globetrotters.

Oh did we forget the Nerds and the “Couple”? While the rest of the teams were pounding candy with a hammer, Zev was struggling to figure out the arrangement of symbols and Vyxsin couldn’t find her last few charms. Zev finally realized that he had two goats and needed a horse. Ain’t that always the way it goes? Too many goats, not enough horses. He found the right one and finally finished the task while Vyxsin struggled to keep it together.

The hammering didn’t look that complicated as the teams blazed through the task. Back at the horns, the Cheerleaders realized that they wouldn’t be able to lift the horns and turned around to go to the other task. By the time they got back to the other task, the teams had finished and it was a race to the Eternal Tower in the center of the city.

Deaf Guy and his Umbilical Cord were the first team to arrive and won a romantic vacation to Aruba. Eew. Enjoy your couples massage. But surprise! They’re still racing!

All of the other teams checked in at the pit stop with what looked like not much time between them except for the “Couple.” While they eventually finished the charms task (are they still working on that?), the idiots left their fanny pack on the gondola. As is the rules with fanny packs, it contained all of their worldly possessions, including fairy dust, passports, and money. Now, I haven’t worn a fanny pack since…ever. But it is my understanding that these things clip around your waist for the sole purpose of not losing your stuff. I can understand why Old Yeller took off his fanny pack in the last episode since he was going to be submerged in water. But the “Couple”? No, that’s just stupid. And I don’t want to hear that it clashed with their “pink and black attack” outfits, because that pack was black. So if they had just renamed themselves the “pink and black fanny pack attack,” they wouldn’t be in this pickle.

Where were we? Oh right. All of the teams checked in except for the “Couple” who are totally screwed. Scenes from next week included a dreaded two headed double UTurn, and that’s about it. Did TAR stretch this out into a non-elimination “you’re still racing” to give the “Couple” time to catch up just like they did with the Cowboys? And will it even matter considering their latest bout of idiocy? And do the Globetrotters even have a chance of winning with their nicey-nice strategy?

Crassballin’: How Not to Pick Your F*%#ing Bracket

Today is Christmas wrapped in the Super Bowl surrounded by endless waves of Kentucky Derby roses for gambling professionals, casinos, Hoboken wise guys, and offshore sports books. This is the day when the non-gamblers gamble, the day when grandmas, toddlers, the comatose and Nepalese Sherpas all gather round the television and fill out an NCAA basketball tournament bracket without knowing the difference between Duke and Duquesne or a chance in hell of actually winning the office, school or neighborhood pool. Continue reading →

Michigan’s Budget Emergency Measures Create Hardship

Last Wednesday, Michigan’s Senate passed a bill that would allow the state treasurer to appoint emergency financial managers to municipalities and school districts that are in danger of failing. The bill was passed with a 26-12 vote and would permit them to fire local officials, dissolve union contracts, seize and sell assets, and eliminate services such as police and fire departments. The bill is now being handed over to a conference committee which will reconcile differences with the one passed by the House in February and then is expected to be signed by Gov. Rick Snyder.

While the debate for this bill has been linked in the media to Wisconsin’s fight to keep union collective bargaining rights, the real issue here is the fact that Michigan can appoint these managers who, while able to undermine the role of unions, are not elected and can wield powers normally given to elected officials, effectively nullifying their role.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

The emergency manager must have at least five years experience. They also must have experience in business, finance, and local or state issues. State Democrats tried to add amendments requiring that managers must have at least some background in education and whose salary must be capped at the rate of the governor, about $159,000. The Republicans struck it down.

The emergency manager’s contract, salary, and financial plan must be publicly posted as well as expenditures of $5000 or more. They would have the power to take over public services such as utilities like water and electricity. Furthermore, they would also be able to dissolve entire municipal governments as they see fit, dismiss public officials as well as destroy union contracts. By appointing these officials, they are effectively handing “taxpayer money, services and powers to private companies”.

An illustration of the role emergency managers can play is the Detroit’s public school district, which has an emergency manager, Robert Bobb, already in place. The district is projecting a $327 million budget deficit and several proposals have been made including closing half of the district’s 147 schools which would push classroom sizes up to possibly 60 kids per class. It would replace individual school principals with regional ones and would cut all general bus service. Personally, I would wager that it would NOT push class sizes up to 60 kids because given the economic situation in Detroit, I doubt most school kids are going to be walking the vast under-populated blocks to get to a school by themselves, if they don’t get picked up first.

“It takes every decision in a city or school district and puts it in the hands of the manager, from when the streets get plowed to who plows them and how much they are paid,” said Michigan State AFL-CIO president Mark Gaffney. “In schools, the manager would decide academics or if you have athletics.”

Source: Flikr

The takeover of local services has already begun. Recently the emergency financial manager of Pontiac, one of three other cities with appointed managers, has fired the local police chief and liquidated its union contract. It is now being served by the larger Oakland County Sheriff Department which will begin May 1. Previously, due to layoffs, the city had been underserved with less than 40 officers.

So, not only is this bad for unions it’s bad for our entire electoral system. Our governments are handing our voice over to a few people that we did not elect which is what one can define as a “government takeover”. It is electing a governor to elect people for us. It also gives elected officials a huge disincentive to do the job they are paid to do. Where does it stop? Who determines if these emergency managers will ever go away? If a municipality became financially solvent, it is hardly unreasonable to expect that these people will be asked to stay on to “insure” that things keep running well, increasing more people on the tax payrolls.

Rick Snyder, a Republican, was elected last year succeeding the outgoing governor, Jennifer Granholm and has been billed as a “nerd”. He has taken a page out of New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s playbook, by being a multimillionaire and then foregoing the standard gubernatorial salary for $1 a year. He has declined to participate in debates with opponents opting to go directly to the people with his message. He is a former executive at Coopers and Lybrand and was CEO of Gateway computers, which went from 21,000 workers in 2000 to 7,400 workers in 2003, some of which were shipped overseas. After Gateway, he subsequently moved on to found two investment firms, Avalon Investments and then Ardesta.

There has been some controversy over the upcoming budget proposals for the state in that he has divided the entire $45.9 billion budget into two bills: one designated for education and one for “everything else”.

The fact that there are few specifics of how the budget will be allotted has been worrying since it doesn’t aid in the transparency of government finances. If the state is not held to task for defining where its money is going, it can be assumed that it is a forewarning of what we can expect from these emergency financial managers.

The governor said he isn’t trying to make the state’s spending plans murkier or take away lawmakers’ budget oversight. But he wants to be held accountable on whether his administration is able to improve Michigan residents’ health, education, safety and quality of life as measured by the Michigan Dashboard he has set up rather than whether he has spent money on programs lawmakers favor. “You’re still held accountable,” Snyder told The Associated Press.

It seems that to Snyder, this is more of a global approach. In reality, it just signals that anyone can do anything they want with taxpayer money.

Scandinavians Do It Better

Do you suddenly feel a warm embrace of serenity emanating from your computer screens? Are you tired of the soul-crushing experience of clutter or hoarding and know deep down inside there’s a “better way” of living through design?  Well, dear Crasstalkers, today’s post will be one of many columns about a group of magical people who live in the magical lands of Scandinavia. Continue reading →

Crass Fiction: Eternity By Chance

It is in solitude – always in solitude – that the guard of my masculine nature and identity ebb. Then, my genderless awareness of my humanity fully unfolds. It is then that I feel her presence most powerfully: when the prolific psychic residue of the ‘motion in stillness’ that she embodies lingers. The words ‘intuitive’ and ‘aware’ do not even begin to describe her effortless yet omnivorous understanding, her brilliant tabula rasa mind, and her remarkable capacity for profound tenderness.

In the wake of feeling her gentle yet phenomenal presence – and the subtle but unmistakable void of her absence – my apartment looks exactly the same to the naked eye. But whole new, transcendent worlds have been birthed from our symbiotic visceral reciprocity.

Our always-immanent metaphysical attraction seems to be taking the course of our lifetimes to evolve into something more carnally fulfilling. If our sexual expression ever equals the intensity of our exquisite rapport, we will both be willingly consumed by an ever-expanding concatenation of exuberant, balls-to-the-wall stamina marathons of athletic eroticism.

Tonight, she held me cradled in her lap, ensconced in her impossibly comfortable curves and silky soft skin. With sensitively skilled fingers, she unwound my stressed muscles in a masterfully knowing massage that was an extended foray of deep-release bliss for me. Beyond tension relief, it was an overall amelioration of my well-being.

Her instinctive talent for nurturing is as inexhaustible as my own need to be so thoroughly nurtured. It is a powerful reverence which bypasses romantic notion: the unconditional embrace of the Cosmic Mother. In truth, no one had ever held me as compassionately and adoringly except for my own mother, and that was a distant memory from many years ago.

Delicately, she broke the sweet spell of our shared silence by gently kissing my forehead and saying only, “Namaste.” (This translates roughly as the light, or the highest good in me salutes the light, or the highest good in you). It was a simple gesture and a single word that nonetheless felt like the fruition of the covenant of the holiest of Holy Grails.

Feeling starry-eyed and consummately relaxed, I slowly roused from the altered states that her extended healing had induced in me. Propping myself up on my elbows, I then turned to face her. Then I leaned in to meet her in an eyes-wide-open, serenely ravenous and lingering tongue-kiss. Many mind-blowing moments later, she broke the magnetic connection of our osculation by touching her fingers lightly to my face.

In a sultry tone which did not belie her seriousness, she said, “When we have more time, we will do far more justice to this. If I possessed the skill to alter the time/space continuum – and the unforgiving rhythms of our earthly lives – I would have you with me for hours, days, weeks, months, years… into timelessness. Until then…”

I held her to me and finished her sentence aloud, saying, “Farewell is never goodbye.”

Surrendering a Pet: Do It Right

Sometimes, after swearing you will spend the rest of your life with a dog or cat, a situation may arise where you can no longer keep them. In that case, you often face some difficult choices about what to do with your pet. Sit down. Let’s talk about the process.

Think about why you’re giving up your pet.

Obvious, right? Not in my experience. There are truly some times when you cannot keep an animal. If you are going through a breakup and the only place that didn’t laugh after they ran your terrible credit doesn’t allow pets, well, you can live in a Cavalier down by the river or you can do what you have to do. However, there are situations in which you need to pause a second.

Does the guy you’ve been dating for three weeks “hate” cats? Well, the cat is probably going to be around a lot longer than that guy, with your track record being what it is. Is your dog/cat/rabbit/Gila monster/emu doing something you find really

annoying? Harness the power of the Internet and see if there’s a way to fix it before you give it away, including spending time and money training it. Your parents toughed it out with you, didn’t they?

Don't give this guy up. Someday he could be a champion show hedgehog.

One very important thing to consider: is someone else going to be willing to adopt your pet? If you are giving the dog up because it has severe medical or behavioral problems, it may not be adoptable. If you don’t want to spend five thousand dollars on surgery or get bitten every day, who exactly is going to want to? Yes, there are some of us out there that are willing to take on “special needs” dogs, but not enough. And we all have too many misfit toys anyway and will likely get divorced if we bring any more home.

If you’re confident that you’re making the right decision, then continue on.

Re-homing a dog yourself: Proceed with caution.

Many people feel that they can do the best job of finding their pet a new home. I will tell you this is only the case if you also work at a shelter. Seriously. I’m not under the impression that I could do a better job of designing a website than someone who gets paid to do it. But if you do…

The first thing many people do is post an ad on Craigslist. Fine, but the person that wants your German Shepherd is also a pervert who’s trolling adult services. Never, ever, give your dog away for free. If you want to know what happens to free dogs…listen, you don’t actually want to know. Even in the event that the “adopter” is good-intentioned, if they’re unable to pay a small re-homing fee they may not be prepared for the cost of owning a dog.

If an interested party seems sane, ask questions of them. Do they have pets now? What’s their vet’s name? Can you see their house? Do they wear a lot of Ed Hardy? What’s their favorite old movie? You get the picture. If they’re reticent to give you their information or let you come to their house, they are hiding something. Be honest with them, too. If your dog is destructive or your cat hates kids, it’s your responsibility to find a home that can accommodate these issues.

You can often post ads on purebred rescue or adoption websites, but keep in mind that it can take months to get a response, and interviewing prospective adopters is a job in and of itself. Let’s assume you decide to go another route.

Bringing your dog to a shelter: Do your research and plan ahead.

There are as many different types of shelters as there are breeds of dogs. So if you’re unable to keep your pet, try to find a facility that will give him or her the best chance at finding another great home. Many rescues and shelters have limited space and there may be a waiting list. If you wait to call shelters until the day you leave the country to avoid that “bogus” felony indictment, you may not be able to choose where your pet ends up.

If you have time, visit and ask questions about their policies. Do they euthanize? Under what conditions? Does the facility seem unclean and the staff uncaring or do you see the dogs and cats frolicking with volunteers? Dogs and cats need enrichment when in a shelter environment. Try to find a facility that gives the animals toys and attention, allows adequate space, and doesn’t put animals that aren’t related in the same cages.

Find a shelter that has enough space for animals they take in.

Many shelters will keep an animal up for adoption until they find a home, as long as they remain adoptable. So don’t trick yourself into saying that your rabid Chihuahua, referred to as “Jack the Ripper” by everyone in your building, will stay up for adoption if he bites someone, or if he really does have rabies, for that matter. Even “no-kill” shelters will often not put a very sick or aggressive animal up for adoption.

Get everything together.

As the time approaches, make sure that, logistically, you are prepared to bring your animal to the shelter or to its new home. If you are not giving your animal up due to financial reasons, please get your pet up-to-date with all vaccinations and spay or neuter them if they’re intact. This can ensure that they remain healthy in the shelter and they may go up for adoption quicker. In addition, the shelter may ask for a fee at the time of surrender. Again, unless you are financially unable to do this, pay it. They are shouldering the cost of its care indefinitely, and your pet is not a donation.

Write down his or her daily habits, the name of the vet, personality quirks, fears, favorite toys- anything that comes to mind. Many shelters keep this information in the animal’s file and can tell the new owners what Captain Crunch loves to play with.

Also, anything Crunch has, be it litter, toys or scratching posts, can be brought to the shelter. Many will tag the items so they can go with him to the new home. Even if the shelter’s unable to do that, donations are appreciated.

The hard part: Saying goodbye and letting go.

There is no witty or light way to put this: the day you walk away from your pet will be brutal. Get it done early in the day. When you get to the shelter, there will again be some paperwork and they may want to get a brief history on your pet. Just get through it. Again, be honest. Many shelters do a temperament evaluation on animals, so they’ll find out if your dog goes insane when you try to take a bone from it.

A lot of shelter volunteers and staff may seem unsympathetic- unfortunately, this is the byproduct of seeing thousands of animals a year relinquished. If you are giving up your Cockapoo because your four-year-old “promised” she’d housebreak it and take it for walks but didn’t follow through, you deserve every bit of their contempt. Sorry.

Hopefully, though, you aren’t giving up your pet for a reason like that, and you work with someone who is kind and understanding. Know that in most shelters, including those that bill themselves as “no-kill,” an intake counselor cannot guarantee your pet will go up for adoption or tell you when.

Please remember, most shelters and rescues are unable to tell you anything about your pet, including whether he or she has been adopted, or give it back to you, once you relinquish ownership. This is often legally binding. If you have any reservations about leaving your pet at this point, don’t do it. In the end, trust that they will do everything they can to find it a forever home, and it may be more painful to know whether your pet is still at the shelter four months from now than not to know at all.

Go home and do something to take your mind off it.

Have a margarita, or a massage, or both. I can’t tell you it will ever stop hurting, but you’ll know that you did the best you could for them. It’s a difficult choice, but if you do it the right way, and you’re realistic about what will happen, someday, you’ll sleep easier knowing the pet you loved has someone else that loves them too.

 

To find a shelter or rescue in your area, click here.

 

YA Lit: Putting the “Adult” in “Young Adult”

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I’m pretty officially an adult. I have a full-time job, a full-time husband, full-time bills, and a part-time metabolism—all signs that I’ve officially passed the point where I have to get nervous about being carded. And yet, when it comes to literature, my genre of choice is more appropriate for a high-school library than my own personal one, and as book sales have shown, I’m hardly alone.

So what is it about young adult literature that is so damn appealing to those of us who could just as easily be reading books for grown-ups? And, more importantly, why do we want to send ourselves back to high school when we spent four years barely managing to claw our way out of it?

In that latter question actually lies part of the answer—because it allows us to do it again as someone else. Weren’t in the popular clique? No problem—try again as Gossip Girl’s Blair Waldorf, Pretty Little Liars’ Hanna Marin, or Sweet Valley High’s Jessica Wakefield. Weren’t the smart standout who somehow manages to seduce an entire school no matter how much she stands out, blunders, or self-effaces? That’s OK–Private’s Reed Brennan and The It Girl’s Jenny Humphrey (yes, that Jenny Humphrey) have got you covered. Weren’t the princess of a totally made-up country? Princess Diaries’ Mia Thermopolous FTW! And let’s not get started on whether or not you had magical powers or fell into a love triangle with a vampire and a werewolf.

But of course, high school isn’t all about what we weren’t; it’s about what we were, and it’s those authors who so successfully encapsulate the enormous range of trials and tribulations of adolescence in their novels, from not having a date to not having a mother, that have turned YA lit into a must-read genre for all ages. High school is, in a manner of speaking, the last “shared American experience” before we all diverge in myriad ways; although we didn’t all go to college or vocational school or seminary, or become teachers or doctors or lawyers, we all spent the four years preceding those adventures in a fairly similar environment.

Because being a teenager isn’t like being an adult. The relationships between characters in your average contemporary young adult book don’t include the complications of marriage, divorce, and kids. The ways they choose to resolve the issues they face don’t have to take into account how they will affect their jobs or their children, or how they’ll continue to pay their bills. The young adult’s perspective is a selfish and narrow one in the most innocent meanings of those words, and one that I think all adults miss being able to have every now and again.

But make no mistake—there’s nothing lighthearted about today’s bestselling contemporary YA. The sci-fi/fantasy subgenres have proven that YA books can appeal to any age or gender, and in order to keep up, contemporary authors are now veering away from the old teen-centric topics like romance, social competition, and puberty, and replacing them with the types of subjects that possess the depth and universality to appeal to all ages in order to obtain a similar “crossover” appeal, creating a new sub-sub-genre which is all but officially referred to as “Edgy YA.” It’s a silly word choice—does anyone say “edgy” non-ironically anymore?—but the truth of the matter is that the boldness of authors covering major issues in the latest crop of books is nothing short of astonishing, and for teens who don’t even know how to begin discussing topics like rape, suicide, eating disorders, drugs, and school shootings, the value of having an author speak frankly on the subject in a book targeted to their age group is immeasurable.

For those interested in coming over to the dark side, a few recommendations for where to begin:

Leftovers and Such a Pretty Girl, both by Laura Wiess. The former is a unique look at the capability of average, relatable teens to do terrible things in response to abuse and abandonment; the latter, a book from the perspective of a teenage girl whose father is returning from prison early after being put away for sexually abusing her. I highly recommend both, but if you’ll only try one, make it Leftovers for its absolutely perfect final line.

 

Speak and Wintergirls, both by Laurie Halse Anderson. Anderson is pretty much the mistress of edgy YA, and each of these books alone could justify why. The woman is brutal when it comes to honesty and detail, and Speak has, for years now, been the young adult novel about date rape. (If you read nothing else by LHA, at least read this post from her blog in which she addresses a professor’s claim that Speak is soft pornography.) In 2009, Anderson added Wintergirls to her list of publications, a chilling and powerful depiction of eating disorders from the perspective of an anorexic whose bulimic frenemy has just passed away.

 

Th1rteen R3asons Why by Jay Asher. Rarely has a standalone YA novel generated this much attention and praise so quickly. Throw in the facts that this was Asher’s debut and that it was just acquired by Universal and you’re looking at a bonafide literary phenomenon. This novel about teen suicide, told from the perspective of the boy who loved the girl who killed herself and left behind thirteen tapes to explain the motivations behind her actions, is not only a heartbreaker but an insightful look into how seemingly meaningless words and gestures can snowball into dangerous consequences when paired with an adolescent mind.

 

If I Stay by Gayle Forman. (NB: Clicking either the book or the link will be the littlest bit spoilery.) A heartbreaking work from start to finish, If I Stay takes place almost entirely within the subconscious of its heroine Mia as she lies in a coma following a car accident that’s just claimed both of her parents. As its title suggests, the book is an examination of her life up to that point as she struggles to decide whether her new life will be worth living or whether it’s time to stop fighting.

 

The Hate List by Jennifer Brown. This incredibly dark novel about the aftereffects of a school shooting–particularly on those who loved the shooter–is impossible to read without reflecting on the similar tragic events in our nation’s recent history. Told from the perspective of the girlfriend of the now-deceased shooter, who is still struggling to understand her role in the mass-murder, this book feels like a must-read for anyone who’s ever wanted to think about school shootings in any way other than as they’re presented by the media.

 

I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention Before I Fall and Delirium, both by Lauren Oliver, although I have not yet read either one due to their not yet being available in paperback. They are both widely considered to be excellent, and I hope to confirm that as soon as possible.

 

Judy Blume, Patron Saint of Adolescence

Most importantly, however, I feel credit should be given where credit is due, and I don’t think any single person on Earth deserves credit for the propagation of frank literary dialogue with teens like Judy Blume. No author of books for teens has boldly faced down as much controversy as Ms. Blume for her books which address topics like puberty, masturbation, losing your virginity, and bullying. Judy Blume started the discussions no one was having, and if my word isn’t enough for you, perhaps the fact that a compilation with this title actually exists will do it.

 

Happy reading!

 

5 Onion Articles That Predicted The Future

If you’re between the ages of 15 and 35, you’ve read The Onion.  Who doesn’t love that satirical newspaper with its fake stories that sound like they could be true.  Well, most of them aren’t true.  Some of them come true later, mostly in eerily specific ways.  Here are 5 Onion articles that make you wonder about their psychic abilities.

5.  The RIAA Goes Rabid

The Onion story: RIAA Sues Radio Stations For Giving Away Free Music

The real story: RIAA Demands Radio Stations Pay For Song Use

It’s a little too easy to make fun of the RIAA.  They’re like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  Even though they’re basically just quadriplegic stumps on the ground, they still expect you to surrender.  Here The Onion joked that the RIAA turns on its bigger provider of free advertising: AM/FM radio.  5 years later, the RIAA is calling radio a “form of piracy” and they must be paid per play.

How they predicted it: The RIAA has become so comically desperate that any joke will eventually come true.

How reality tops The Onion: The RIAA is lobbying to make it mandatory to put FM radios in all portable electronics. So not only do they love the radio now, they want it in all cell phones and iPods.  Tis but a flesh wound indeed.

 

4.  Gillette Makes An Absurd Razor

The Onion story: Gillette Makes A Razor With 5 Blades

The real story: Gillette Makes A Razor With 5 Blades

This one was done in The Onion’s Op-Ed style, where a manic and overly macho CEO talks about adding yet another razor to their already ridiculous 4-blade model.  4 blades were already kind of a joke; unless you have a beard made of twine, 3 did the job quite well.  Now it just seems like they have something to prove.

How they predicted it: In a corporate culture that demands constant innovation, what the hell is a company going to do when it makes a product that has existed since ancient Egypt? The answer is more blades.  One day they’ll make one with 6 blades.

How reality tops The Onion: They’re making one with 6 blades.

 

3.  Joe The Plumber

The Onion Story: Uneducated Forklift Driver To Address The Nation On Rush Limbaugh Show

The real story: Republicans Turn To Unqualified Schmuck For Insight

Oh what a funny joke, Rush Limbaugh gives a platform for a regular ol’ blue collar guy to spout off about the intricacies of foreign policy and economics.  Funny, funny, funny.  Until 2008 rolls around and John McCain decides to give 15 minutes of fame to a guy named Joe The Plumber, who is neither named Joe nor is a licensed plumber.  This one gets major points for being the most ahead of its time: predicted 15 years before it happened.  Also, both the real and fictional men are from Ohio.

How they predicted it: The Republican party has had a love affair with the lowest common denominator for a few decades.  If I had a nickel for every time they bashed Obama for going to Harvard, I’d qualify for their tax breaks (bazing!)  The Onion just followed this to it’s logical conclusion: asking the most clueless guy you can find about the most complicated things.

How reality tops The Onion: McCain also got a shill named Tito The Builder, who was supposed to appeal to Hispanics.  He was also blue collar, but he was an immigrant, and inexplicably loved Sarah Palin.

 

2.  The Media Loves Charlie Sheen

The Onion story: Charming Hollywood Bad Boy Slays Seven

The real story: Popular Hollywood Bad Boy Beats Women (I’m not even linking it.)

In The Onion article, an actor known for his off-screen problems brutally kills 7 people for no reason.  The article reports it like any Hollywood shenanigans, with lots of references to the characters he’s played, and a brief history of his numerous other crimes spanning multiple decades.  The actor shows absolutely no remorse and promises to do it again, calling himself “an unstoppable murder machine.”  Charlie Sheen shot his fiance in the arm in 1994 and since has never met a woman who didn’t take out a restraining order.  He has often referred to himself as a warlock with a 10,000-year-old brain.  Here he is being called a paragon of masculinity without a trace of irony.

How they predicted it: Hollywood is famous for not really caring what money-making actors do, so long as they show up for work.  As long as someone keeps on smiling, the entertainment press will chuckle knowingly at even the most heinous crimes.

How reality tops The Onion: It hasn’t yet, but it will.

 

1.  Everything Bush Did

The Onion story: Bush Announces “Our Long Nation Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over

The real story: Identical.

I’ll just let quotes from the article, written in January of 2001, do they talking.

“Bush swore to do “everything in [his] power” to undo the damage wrought by Clinton’s two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.”

“Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.”

“On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.”

“‘We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two,’ Bush said. ‘Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there’s much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation’s hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it.'”

How they predicted it: Bush promised to do all these things many, many times before being elected.

How reality tops The Onion: He also let New Orleans drown.