Crass Fiction: Angel’s Advocate

When I received the late Sunday night phone call, my heart pounded as I raced to answer it. Customarily, this was my day of rest, after a typically relentless week of fielding numerous pseudo-emergencies, both personally and professionally. Instinctively, I knew that this urgency was very real.

Disbelief and panic echoed in the voice of my caller, the husband of a dear friend of mine, informing me that she had just been in a tragic accident. As the details filtered in, our male egos dissolved, through the catalyst of his grief and my shock: in a coma… critical care… near-drowning… possible brain damage. My inward response to hearing this was a bold proclamation of dissociative denial: ‘No fucking way!’

I learned that my friend Amara had been walking on the beach near her tropical home when she encountered a young boy flailing in the surf, trying to rescue his small dog. Being the patron saint of both animals and children, Amara didn’t hesitate before jumping in to try to save the pair. Perhaps because she knew this stretch of ocean so well, Amara was able to pull the boy and his dog from the water separately and escort them to safety. However, she had nearly drowned in the process of doing so. If not for the boy’s quick thinking (calling emergency from her cell phone, which he’d retrieved from the purse she had flung onto the sand before delving into the water), she never would have even made it off the beach alive.

After I hung up the phone, my eyes darted to an aesthetic greeting card next to the phone on my desk. I had been saving the card specifically for Amara. Impractically yet instinctively, I filled thee blank card with a written invocation: ‘You will wake up. You’ve come too far to let go of the promise of your purpose.’

I had no doubt that if Amara died now, she would do so fully at peace with the life she had thus far lived. I supposed that her richly cultivated spirit might even manifest in another blazing reincarnation. But I wanted her here and now: in this body; in this life. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to continue living without her; it was more that I simply couldn’t imagine the world without her in it.

Amara had saved my life emotionally – at one point, we were lovers for a brief time – and I knew that this was my chance to return the favor, albeit psychically. Deliberately and forcefully, I retracted my energy deep within me. Projecting my consciousness several thousand miles away, I envisioned myself entering the Intensive Care Unit of the hospital where Amara was being monitored. Just as my awareness entered Amara’s physical space, the alarm bells on the vital statistics monitor beside her bed went ballistic. In a flash amidst the cacophony, I witnessed her unmistakably diminishing signs of life and the chaos of the medical rescue team as they converged upon her hospital room.

Amara herself was completely detached from all the earthly commotion. Immediately, I sensed that she was preparing to leave this corporeal plane. Instantaneously, I reached out for her mind and spirit in a gentle yet profound psychic choke-hold. Reiterating the same command that I had written only minutes earlier, I said aloud “You will wake up. You’ve come too far to let go of the promise of your purpose.”

As I reached for and held Amara’s essence, I felt her rise to meet me, letting go of her blissful free-fall into the Void. I felt her serene smile subsume me in a nodding acknowledgment of my passionate command, and I knew in that moment that our sacred filial covenant for this lifetime had been restored. Every fiber of her being responded to my implied reminder, echoed in the clear recognition of her one-word answer:

“YES.”

Making Homemade Ricotta and then Italian Bread With The Whey

This fall I stumbled on a recipe for homemade ricotta. I had no idea that making ricotta was even an option in an apartment kitchen, let alone a kitchen that can barely fit two people standing side-by-side. But there it was – an incredibly easy ricotta recipe on Epicurious. And, in the comments following the recipe, a woman talked about making bread from the whey left over from making the ricotta. Holy shit.

Homemade Ricotta (via Epicurious)

2 quarts whole milk

1 cup heavy cream

1/2 teaspoon salt

3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

Very slowly bring the milk, cream and salt to a boil on moderate heat and stir occasionally to keep it from burning. Then lower the heat, add the lemon juice, stir it constantly and watch it curdle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


At this point you will think, “Wow, what a mess. This was a tragic waste of time.”

But, continue on anyway. Line a colander with the cheesecloth, and place it over the bowl. Slowly dump the curdled mess into the colander.

Let it sit for an hour. Then you will be in awe of yourself. You will pat yourself on the back while simultaneously calling your friends, co-workers, parents, ex or current lovers, your veterinarian, and your old college roommate.

You just made homemade ricotta!

And not just any homemade ricotta, you will have made the best ricotta that you have ever tasted. Slightly lemony, thick and soft, ricotta. (See top photo.)

Take a bow, and then get back to work – because collected in the bowl is a lot of whey, and you’re going to make 3 loaves of incredible Italian bread with it. (Recipe via Eating Small Potatoes with a few tweaks)

Homemade Italian Bread

5 cups all-purpose flour
2 tsp. salt
1 tbl. sugar
4 1/2 tsp. yeast
3/4 hot whey
1 cup warm water
5 tbls. melted butter

Additional ingredients (to your preference) are cornmeal and sesame seeds.

Add dry ingredients to the bowl and stir.
2. Heat the whey and water in a saucepan. Pour butter into the whey/water mixture.
3. Add the liquid ingredients to the dry ingredients. Stir well until combined. (At least 5 minutes.)
4. Divide dough into 3 loaves. Pat the dough into a rectangle and then roll up into a cylinder. Pinch seams and edges, then shape.
5. Place the loaves onto a sheet pan sprinkled with cornmeal. Cover and rise in a warm place for 1 hour.
6. Paint the loaf with egg white and sprinkle with sesame seeds.
7. Bake at 425F for 30 minutes.

Amaze your friends and astound your enemies with your culinary prowess.

And leave your own recipes, because after all,  it’s Recipe Sunday where we are all about food.

Sunday Daytime Open Thread

Hi gang. Hope you are having a great day. Since it’s the weekend many of you may be trying to get some stuff done around the house. Here are a couple of cautionary tales.

Have a great day.

This Week In Crasstalk

Hello Crasstalk. Hope you are having a great day. We have had some great writing here in the last few weeks and Team Crasstalk feels that it is time to start recognizing some of the great stuff you all have taken the time to put together. We can’t include all of the fantastic posts, but we hope that this will be way of telling you all how much we appreciate all of your contributions to Crasstalk. This will be a weekly feature, so please email us your nominations.

Let’s go back all the way to last Sunday and wonder about the mystery of the death of a tragic socialite. We can move from the past to predicting the future in this post.

We also had a very servicey week. We had advice on how to dominate your computer, your dog, or your irrational sports rivals.

We also had some fun pop culture, some fun nerd culture, some fun youth culture, and even some fun Scandinavian culture.

Finally, we had this conflict-inducing post (read the comments), which lead to this.Which was pretty funny (sorry Arken).

Once again, thanks for all of your contributions to Crasstalk. Please support the writers of this site by sharing their posts with the social media links on each page. Have a great week.

 

 

 

Crassballin’: Bracket Contest Standings Update

We’re already in the second third round of the NCAA tournament, so I thought I’d give you all a Crassballin’ update. Here’s the current Top 10 as of Saturday afternoon:

We had a total of 62 entries. Also, notice that 7 of the top 10 scorers so far are ladyfolk. Apparently you don’t actually need balls to dominate at Crassballin’. Continue reading →

Why have a kitty?

Well, why not?  Let’s understand something first.  You never HAVE a kitty.  The kitty has YOU.  In The Sims 2, a dog goes from Stranger to Friend to Master, and a cat goes from Stranger to Friend to Mine.  Someone at EA Games understands cats, really, REALLY well.

Oh, dogs are wonderful.  There isn’t anything like a Golden Retriever or a Chocolate Lab or best of all, a German Shepherd. A Shep will give his life to protect you, your wife and kids.  A cat will do this too.  But it’s more like a favor than an obligation.  I’ll never understand “dog people” vs. “cat people”, though frankly I think cat people are smarter.  That said, I just love animals, and if my space was bigger, a German Shepherd puppy would be a lifelong friend of mine, well until his whiskers turned gray.

But cats.  Especially smart breeds like Siamese or Maine Coons or Orange Tabbies.  There is nothing like coming home to a furry friend who meows his face off to say hi.  I pick up our Maine Coon Tuxedo cats every night when I come home, because they yowl if I don’t.  Edmund rubs his head on mine, and Lucy buries her face in my neck.  While they cuddle with me, when it’s Mike’s time to come home they stand at the door and bitch him out, like “Where the hell WERE you?!?!”  Once that’s done, it’s all about dinner.  Mike sings the “I got a can!” song and they yowl and it’s pretty damn hilarious.  My life is kinda awesome because of this.  Yeah, because cats are imperious and snotty and not affectionate. Not.

Let’s not understate dogs.  A cop in Penn Station a couple of months back had a great conversation with with his canine buddy.  Very politely, he said “Ouw, ouw ouw!”  The dog looked at the ceiling and let out the most amazing , echoing “Arooooo!” I’ve ever heard.   People applauded.

So both kinds of animals are Man’s Best Friend.  Cats have dignity.  Dogs have respect. Both are our very best companions.

Another crazy thing that cats and dogs both do is that they know when you’re sick and they sit right by you as you recover. They detest the smell of Nyquil and Robitussin, but it does not matter. That cat or dog will sit by you until you are well.  Doctors have issued a clinical study that a purring kitty reduces stress.  I’ll go out here and say that a dog laying his head on your leg does the same thing.

In short, it’s only an either/or thing if space and time is an issue.  Dogs need more room and more maintenance.  It’s not fair to either of you to have one if you can’t care for one properly.  Get a kitty instead, if that’s your deal.

Breaking News: French military jet opens fire in Libya (Updated: US Involvement)

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Since the passing of UN resolution 1973 which authorizes a No Fly Zone over Libya and authorizes “any military or preventative measures” to protect Libyan civilians and civilian areas “while excluding a foreign occupation force of any form on any part of Libyan territory” things have moved quite quickly. The first shots of the UN forces have been taken by French fight jets, opening fire on four Qaddafi tanks and other military vehicles. It is unclear as of now whether this will lead to a ground-force invasion in the upcoming days.

Al Jazeera is reporting witnesses as saying Qaddafi’s forces are trying to storm Benghazi from the coast and the south.

The BBC has video of a fighter jet being shot down over Benghazi which may or may not belong to Qaddafi forces and a BBC journalist in Benghazi says he has seen pro-Gaddafi tanks inside the city, presumably the ones that have been blasted by the French jets.

The BBC has excellent live coverage of the ongoing crisis.

Update 3:06pm: A US defence official tells Reuters that the US Navy has three submarines in the Mediterranean preparing for operations in Libya.

“Prime Minister David Cameron is currently with members of his cabinet in front of a video wall planning operations, our correspondent adds.” Damn, war is so futuristic now.

Update 3:18pm: The jet was a rebel jet. They shot their own jet down.

Update 3:49pm: The Guardian confirms that the rebel’s only fighter jet was shot down by Qaddafi forces.

Update 3:53pm: The BBC is reporting that the US has launched Tomahawk cruise missiles at targets inside Libya.

Update 4:01pm: Reuters quotes a senior US military official saying US, British, French, Italian and Canadian forces are to launch a strike along the Libyan coast.

Tea Party Rock

Nothing says Rock and Roll like conservative America. Just ask The National Review. While you may not think of the county Republican meeting as a swaggering display of animal sexuality, it is that pro-freedom passion that makes conservatives rock. Just ask the Ted Nugent.

 

Now that is presidential!

So here is a collection of the best Rawk the Tea Party has to offer. Feel free to bookmark these videos so you will have something to watch when you hang out at you aunt’s house in Arizona next Christmas.

This chick has sort of a Laura Branigan thing going on. Unfortunately, no one told her that the use of the word accountability in a song sucks most of the rock right out. However, she does get points for dramatic lighting.

Here is a classic from the health care debate. Try to resist dancing in front of your computer.

This guy is really trying to rock in a sort of Mr. Mister sort of way. However, he really needs to rethink the Naziesque gray shirt combo, especially while bitching about the British. Don’t live the stereotype, dude!

Here is a low-fi treatment. This guy wants freedom like Lou Reed wanted junk. This is what happens when you bundle Garage Band and IMovie on new Macs.

OK, I can’t leave this without at least one country song. This is epic and contains stars and stripes burqas. Warning: The viewing of this video will make you afraid to ever visit The National Mall.

Word Game – Famous Name Chain

I like word games, do you? Here’s one I invented years ago that we can all play called Famous Name Chain which is very simple and a lot of fun. You simply chain together names of famous people so that you can separate any two names at any point and they still are a famous name. The names can be factual or fictional and the people must be known by two names, not three (a la Sally Jesse Raphael or Martin Luther King) Confused? Here’s a very simple one:

Jerry Lewis Black

That’s a three-name chain which can be separated into the names of comedians Jerry Lewis and Lewis Black.

Here are a few more in increasing complexity:

4-Name Chain: Spencer Tracy Morgan Fairchild

(Spencer Tracy – Actor, Tracy Morgan – Actor/Comedian, Morgan Fairchild – Actor)

5-Name Chain: Ayn Rand Paul Simon Cowell

(Ayn Rand – Writer, Rand Paul – Politician, Paul Simon – Singer/Songwriter, Simon Cowell – Professional Asshole)

6-Name Chain: Raggedy Ann Frank James Joyce Brothers

(Raggedy Ann – Doll, Ann Frank – Holocaust Victim/Diarist, Frank James – Outlaw, James Joyce – Writer, Joyce Brothers – Columnist/Psychiatrist)

7-Name Chain: Jessica Walter Scott Walker Percy Shelley Long

(Jessica Walter – Actress, Walter Scott – Poet, Scott Walker – Governor, Walker Percy – Writer, Percy Shelley – Poet, Shelley Long – Actress)

9-Name Chain: Lionel Richie Rich Little Richard Benjamin Franklin Pierce Brosnan

(Lionel Richie – Singer, Richie Rich – Cartoon Character, Little Richard – Singer, Richard Benjamin – Actor, Benjamin Franklin – Founding Father, Franklin Pierce – President, Pierce Brosnan – Actor)

How long can you make a chain?