The Other “Mother’s Day”

Correction: Though the observations below were correct at the time of writing, they have now been rendered somewhat moot as Jezebel acknowledged International Women’s Day in an article posted at 12:35 P.M. My apologies.

In what must have surely been a lack of judgment borne of caffeine deficiency, I checked Jezebel for the first time in months this morning to see if they’d have a post about the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day, seeing as how they are supposedly a feminist blog. The sound of crickets was as palpable as it was predictable, though they did have some lovely posts about Lily Allen’s eating disorder and how sharing photos on Facebook affects your self-image.

But I’m not here to compare Western feminism to the late Roman Empire or lament its decadent decline into a trendy and degenerate blogosphere variety that is devoid of any sense of history or intellectual underpinnings and relies mainly on shallow sarcasm and a fixation on policing the most vapid aspects of our culture as an attempt to justify and intellectualize one’s interest in them. Because today is not about that. Today is about the achievements of women worldwide, and the serious struggles many of them still face.

To say it’s ironic that many in the United States have never heard of this holiday would be an understatement. For although the first official celebration of International Working Women’s Day took place in 1911 across several German-speaking nations, its origins lie in the National Women’s Day organized and celebrated by the Socialist Party of America in 1909. Rosalind Rosenberg, a history professor at Barnard College traces it back even earlier, to a protest held on March 8, 1908 by 15,000 female garment workers in New York City’s Lower East Side. It was in 1910, at an international women’s conference in Copenhagen, that the day acquired its international character.

As the holiday gained recognition and popularity across Eastern Europe, particularly in the newly established USSR, it quickly lost ground in the United States, first with the unpopularity of the Socialist Party’s opposition to US participation in World War I, and later when the Red Scare made the word “Socialism” into anathema. But even in the Soviet Union, where I grew up, the socialist character of “8 Marta” was never in the forefront – at least no more than it was in any of our other holidays. Rather, we mainly celebrated it as an all-around “Women’s Day” – Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day rolled into one. But we also remembered the unimaginable sacrifices and hardships our mothers and grandmothers had endured during World War II and their invaluable contributions to our victory.

"Day of Women's Uprising Against Kitchen Slavery"

International Women’s Day was not formally recognized in the United States until it was established by the UN in the 1970’s, and even since then, it has barely registered on the radar. However, on the eve of today’s centennial celebration, President Obama not only called on Americans to observe the day, but proclaimed the entire month of March to be Women’s History Month. On the same day, Secretary of State Clinton launched the “100 Women Initiative”, gathering 100 women from 92 countries for a three-week professional exchange program in the US.

It is as important today as on any other day to take note of the injustices that still keep one-half of the world’s population in a subordinate state. But in light of recent events in Wisconsin and Ohio, I think it is also particularly relevant to remember this holiday’s origins as International Working Women’s Day, and to stand against the obstacles that workers – especially female workers – face in their struggles for a more just and equal society.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go call my mom, and then my grandma.

Spirituality Corner: Embracing Solitude

“It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for the last seven years, but before that, I lived alone for several years. While I’ve grown to love the closeness of living with someone, I often find myself feeling relieved when I have some extended time for myself. There’s a breathing out that happens, and for a few days I just let my hair down (so to speak), let the dishes pile up in the sink and unwind whatever way I feel like doing. After that initial phase of embracing my inner escapist, I get back in gear with renewed enthusiasm.

The world isn’t set up to nurture people who enjoy solitude. This is a highly ironic truth given the fact that more people than ever before are living alone. Whether by choice or by circumstance, all they can do is make the best of their situation. I would like to suggest that embracing solitude is a tremendous spiritual tool. After all, we come in to this world alone, and we leave the same way; in between, we may as well grow accustomed to our intrinsically solitary natures.

There’s a delicate dance, though, between embracing solitude and becoming a lonely, isolated hermit. The key is to remain engaged with others (in person is preferable, but via telephone or internet is better than not at all) while enjoying the stillness and serenity of being alone. Of course, it’s much easier for a person who is in a relationship and lives with her partner to tout the joys of aloneness. I recognize that it’s harder to be isolated when it’s not your first choice. All I’m suggesting is to make the most of it, rather than being at the effect of its potential to induce moroseness.

If you’re alone and in a funk, try a little reverse psychology: think of the times you were amongst people and it made you absolutely miserable. Then think of the benefits of being by yourself. Make lists if you need to; the point is to engage in active appreciation of your solitude. Then, when you’re amongst a group of people, you can easily call upon the insights culled from being by yourself. This is always useful because, as Ram Dass famously said, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

Top image here.

Behave Yourself In an Animal Shelter

This is (hopefully) the first in a series of articles about animal welfare and animal care. More and more people, and it seems, a lot of Crasstalkers, are opting to rescue dogs or cats. This is fantastic. However, in every shelter I’ve worked in, I have seen some of the most ridiculous behavior ever…and not by the animals. Wanna adopt? Great. Here’s how to make sure you actually save a life instead of making a shelter worker’s miserable.

1) Come in with an open mind

Maybe you’re looking for a specific age/breed/color. A lot of shelters have online request forms you can fill out and be notified when an Afghan hound puppy is available for adoption (hint: you will be waiting a while in that case). Maybe you don’t know what you want, but then see a dog that is just adorable. Either way, keep in mind that the way an animal looks or behaves in its run or cage is in no way indicative of its behavior outside of it. Staff members often know these dogs and cats very well. They’ll try to help you find a good fit.

That said, be realistic about your lifestyle. If you want a dog that will sit on the couch while you comment on open threads all day and a volunteer tells you that young Meth Lab needs 2 hours of aerobic-level exercise a day, take them at their word. Otherwise you’re going to need a lot of Xanax. For you and the dog.

2) Do not complain about the adoption fees or the adoption process

Almost every shelter is either city-run or non-profit. No matter which type it is, the animals aren’t eating filet mignon and playing with solid gold Kongs. In one shelter I worked at, the adoption fees literally did not cover the cost of caring for the animal during its stay. If there isn’t a vet clinic on site, you may be asked to pay for the spay or neuter, typically at a reduced price.

I say this in the nicest way possible: Shut your mouth. You’d pay thousands of dollars at a pet store for a mentally and physically unsound dog. You’re paying two hundred dollars for a dog that’s likely been vetted and temperament tested. Plus, you’re giving a homeless dog a new start. That’s worth it.

And the adoption process? There’s probably a form to fill out. Less complex than a 1040EZ, but more complex than grabbing a kitten and leaving. There are a lot of reasons for this. Firstly, just like at your job, records are kept. Secondly, we want to make sure you’re not starting a dog-fighting ring. There may be an interview, or a home visit, or a vet check. Again, this may be annoying if little Jazzlyn wanted a kitten for Christmas and it’s Christmas Eve, but Jazzy will have that cat until she drops out of Bennington after that debacle with her professor. She can wait two days.

If you don’t have thirty cats, keep your pets’ vaccinations up-to-date, and have good intentions, you’ll be able to adopt. The procedures probably aren’t in place because of you, but we don’t know you. So humor us and be patient.

3) Ask questions, and don’t tolerate rudeness

Lots of shelter workers and volunteers are overworked, and the phrase “I hate people” is only heard more often in the back of a restaurant. They see things…terrible, terrible things. So they can sometimes be abrupt or rude. That is not a reason, however, to allow yourself to be bullied, condescended to, or rushed through an adoption process. A medium-sized dog’s life span is, on average, 10-12 years. A cat, 14-16 years. That’s a hell of a commitment. So if you have questions about temperament, habits, health, or anything else, don’t hesitate to ask.

Tell the staff what your deal-breakers are (scratching? Biting? Barking? Jumping the fence?). They may not always know an animal’s background, but then you can take into account just how many unknowns you’re comfortable with. Any issue that concerns you is an issue you should address before you find out the dog they said was “kinda housebroken” is actually not. The staff says the dog you’re looking at is destructive? Ask NOW what that means. If it means the dog is going to claw a 3′ x 2′ hole in your bathroom wall, decide how much spackle you’re willing to purchase.

If the person you’re working with is nasty, ask to talk to someone else. And if everyone is unhelpful, go to another shelter. If they don’t take the time to help you find the right match, another shelter will.

4) But do understand the staff does know quite a bit

“I’ve had dogs all my life.” “My cat didn’t have a urinary tract infection so of course I didn’t take it to the vet; it wasn’t using the litterbox because it was angry with me.” “Rubbing the dog’s face in its poop is the only way they’ll get housebroken.” Okay…no. Along with keeping an open mind about which animal you adopt, keep an open mind regarding any advice the staff has.

Some shelters are volunteer-only; volunteers may still be a valuable resource for information regarding animal behavior and medical care. If you like a dog that isn’t housebroken, but you have no idea how to house-train, they can tell you how to do it, and reputable shelters will still help you with questions and concerns even after the adoption.

Paid employees are trained to do this for a living, and while they make less than McDonald’s employees, they do know a whole lot more. If they suggest that adopting a three-month-old puppy is not a good idea because you are working eighty-hour weeks, listen. If you come in espousing corporal punishment for your dog (or cat-I have heard that one too), and you are completely adamant that there is absolutely no other way to teach an animal, you are not going home with one. Guaranteed.

5) Be honest

This last one is more of a moral issue, but lying results in the worst kind of experience for both staffers and potential adopters. If your dog hasn’t gotten a rabies vaccination in five years, tell us. We’ll find out when we call your vet. If you’re honest, and get them up-to-date, you’ll probably be able to adopt. If you have four cats but say you have two because you think you won’t be able to adopt another one, and then we find out you lied, you’re not getting that cat. If you’d been honest and your town allows five cats, you would have been able to adopt.

If your last five pets got hit by cars, or you gave them away, say so. I’m not going to lie (see? I’m so MORAL!): you probably won’t be able to adopt, but you also need to step back a bit and think about whether making a lifelong commitment to the health and welfare of a pet is something you’re able to do right now.

If you get caught in a big lie, and it’s been made clear that you won’t be able to adopt a pet, graciously see yourself out. Fervent begging will not help. Yelling obscenities or threatening anyone will result in the police showing up. For God’s sake, please don’t just head to the shelter down the street. Lots of shelters share their “Do Not Adopt” list with each other, so we’re on to you. Instead, go get a fish, and work your way up from there. When you are ready to accept the responsibility of pet ownership, be honest and explain how things are different. We really do want these guys to get adopted- even the nicest shelter isn’t a home.

Oh, and don’t come in drunk or high. We’ll mess with you and make fun of you the whole time.

Get to adopting!

 

The American Fan’s Guide to Picking a Soccer Team

When I first started following (or trying to follow) international football back in the 90s, there was no Fox Soccer Channel or Gol TV or ESPN Champions League coverage or Wayne Rooney highlights on Sportscenter. Those were the dark days, when identifying as an American soccer fan got you labeled a communist or a faggot…. or a communist faggot.

Those days are long gone now. You can wear your fancy Shaktar Donetsk shirt to spring break in some sunburned hick town like Myrtle Beach and (mostly) be left alone, if not downright embraced by your fellow like-minded football junkies. But that still leaves one glaring question:

Who the fuck do I root for?

We’re working off a few basic assumptions here:

1. You’re an American who wasn’t born/raised in some obviously inferior third-world soccer-mad country like Turkey or Colombia or the United Kingdom. So you don’t have a geographic reason to support, say, the local club from the third-largest city in Belarus.

2. You’re already at least willing to casually support your own country’s national team. Because, really people, don’t be a cunt. Support your own national team. I know Italy always has nifty bright blue Puma jerseys, but that team is a bunch of raging assholes. Your ancestors probably left their homeland for a perfectly good reason (earthquake, famine, terrible pop music, Nazis).

So now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s find you a team based on our fancy proprietary process of elimination!

Rule 1: No front-runners

Who this rules out:

Manchester United
Man United is basically the New York Yankees/Dallas Cowboys/Duke University of soccer. Their fans people who show up to home matches are usually described as “prawn sandwich eaters” by all other fans. Does that sound like a delicious sandwich that should be involved with sports in any way? FUCK AND NO. Lame yuppie-ish front-runner fans are the worst, and Man U already has a huge American fanbase full of these cunty assholes. Steer clear.

FC Barcelona
There’s a lot to love about Barcelona. They’re almost militantly devoted to playing an attacking style of soccer that emphasizes goal scoring and beautiful passing. They’re also the liberal, globalized and open-minded nemesis of Real Madrid. The only problem is that they’re too good. They’re stocked with too much talent and money and managers who wear $3,000 designer suits. They’re for people who like shiny things and they make winning look a little too easy.

Bayern Munich
They seem to be the one German club that spends money like the big Spanish, Italian and English teams, so they inevitably dominate. They currently have a great squad, but I dunno. Munich…. Germany…… hmmmm. I really enjoyed Inglorious Basterds and feel like this team might have some sort of “Natzy” connections, which brings us to…

Rule 2: No connections to 20th-century fascist dictators and/or war criminals

Who this rules out:

Real Madrid
Not only does Real have the whole front-runner problem in Spain, but becoming a Real fan means you to learn the entire post-war history of Spain. See, Spain’s approach to football is to basically live out the past 70 years of political and ideological conflict. It turns out Real Madrid was for many years the unofficial team of the Franco supporters. So unless you’re a fascist, this might not be too appealing.

Lazio
This Rome-based club was the favorite club of the fascist elite during the rule of Il Duce. European soccer is fucking crazy sometimes.

Just about any team from Eastern Europe or the  Balkans
I hate to generalize, but do you really want to try to figure out which team from Belgrade was connected to the genocidal paramilitary leaders and which one wasn’t? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Rule 3: The team’s owner should be at least somewhat non-creepy

Who this rules out:

Chelsea
This is perhaps one of the most unlikeable soccer teams of all time. It starts at the top with an owner straight out of Bond villain central casting.  Their best players, Didier Drogba and Frank Lampard, are more or less impossible to cheer for. Maybe you can swing being a Chelsea fan if you’re the kind of guy who drives around in your BMW M3 and cuts off old ladies. For the rest of us… pass!

AC Milan
Bunga bunga. Yep, that perverted old man you keep reading about in the tabloids… he’s the owner.

Rule 4: The team must not make you want to jump off a bridge every season

Who this rules out:

Newcastle United
Normally I like an underdog, but being a Newcastle fan is not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. First of all, they basically crush your will to live each and every season. They seem to have turned disappointment into an art form. Plus their fans are probably the most insane and provincial supporters in England. You and your nice straight, white teeth won’t ever fit in.

So who should I root for?

The beautiful thing about soccer is that even if you’re a mid-table team (that’s Limey-speak for “contender”), there’s always a lot to play for: The Champions League, the UEFA Europa League (which used to be called the UEFA Cup), domestic cups and the chance to send your arch-rival down to the second division next year with a late-season victory.

For our purposes today, let’s assume that while we love underdogs, we’re not going to bother cheering for the absolute dregs. (Sorry Swindon Town!) Let’s narrow down our potential teams to those clubs that have a legitimate shot at playing in the Champions League most seasons and can generally have a chance to pick up a win against the Barcelonas and Man Uniteds of the world.

Everton
Everton is the oldest club in England and they have lots of great history. They’re the second team of Liverpool, so they have lots of local fans and are known for having a very knowledgeable and passionate fan base. Plus they have an American goalkeeper (Tim Howard) , Australian midfielder (Tim Cahill) and the player with the greatest hairdo in the world right now. They’re a generally lovable  bunch of underdogs.

AS Roma
They score a metric shit-ton of goals. Their fans are known for turning their stadium into a giant, Burning Man-esque bonfire party. Their rival is Lazio, which has one of the most right-wing fanbases in Europe. Their team crest prominently features wolf nipples.

Manchester City
Are you a fan of the Mets? Or the White Sox? Or any Philadelphia team? Is your shoulder mostly made up of one giant, permanent chip? If so, this is the team for you! Man City is the perennial step-sister to the hot, popular sister that is Manchester United. Poor Man City, all they really have going for them is their reputation for getting most of their support from Manchester itself, unlike United’s globalized, corporate fanbase. Of course, even Man City is now owned by a group of fatcats from Abu Dhabi who are putting their money into buying up all sorts of talent. Get on board now before they turn into the next Chelsea!

Olympique Lyonnais
Lyon has been a mainstay of the Champions League for much of the last decade. They’re usually very fun to watch and have produced a lot of great players (especially African-born players from former French colonies) over the last few years. Plus Lyon is the home of French gastronomy. If you’re a coq au vin-loving foodie geek, this is the team for you.

Werder Bremen
Werder Bremen is always a team to watch out for in the Champions League. Even though they no longer have Miroslav Klose, they’re usually pretty tough to beat. And German fans are known for bringing a great atmosphere to the games. I love this description on the team’s Wikipedia page: “Werder Bremen is also known for its level-headed environment. In contrast to many other cities, where the local sides are often subject to intense media attention, players and trainers here are usually left in relative peace. Bremen’s reputation is that of a sensible, respected and financially healthy club.” So if you’re turned on by respectful disagreement and balancing your checkbook, this is the team for you!

Ajax
It’s pronounced “I-yax” not like the stuff you use to clean your toilet bowl. Also they’re from Amsterdam, so like…. WEED DUDE. YEAHHHHHH. Ajax is one of the most successful clubs in the sport’s history (though has struggled a bit in recent years) and has produced a metric fuck-ton of legendary players. Their fans do seem to have a Jew-fetish that could possibly be much more creepy than it is endearing… I’ll let you decide! (Gawd Europeans get into some weird shit. I mean, really.)

Arsenal
A London-based team coached by a stern, brilliant Frenchman, and stocked with a mix of awesome French-African players and Euro prodigies. This team plays very exciting football that’s sometimes a bit too fucking cute for its own good. But they have a cool name and are the favorite team of Nick Hornby. They have legit shot at winning the Premiership in any given year and yet somehow manage not be complete fuckos like Man U and Chelsea.

Villarreal
I fucking love these guys even though the only Spanish words I know are “tacos al pastor.” They’re nicknamed “El Submarino Amarillo,” which even my stupid ass can figure out means “The Yellow Submarine,” which is just a fantastic sports nickname. WE WILL SINK YOUR BATTLESHIP, FUCKFACE. I love it. They come from the tiny city of Vila-Real and yet regularly compete with the much bigger Spanish clubs like Real and Barca. They always play a very attacking style, too. Bonus: They currently own the rights to American Jozy Altidore (though he’s out on loan to a Turkish team this season).

Olympique Marseille
Marseille is not your typical baguette-munching French pussy-ville. Marseille is a true shit-kicker town. It’s the Oakland or Philadelphia of France. It’s where they shot “The French Connection.” Marseille’s former team president is Bernard Tapie, a lovable rogue improbably described by Wikipedia as “a French businessman, politician and occasional actor, singer, and TV host.” Tapie was forced to resign after being indicted for tax evasion. When I was a student in France, he was appearing in rap videos as a mafia don. Anyway, OM has one of the most passionate local fanbases in the sport and Stade Velodrome is supposed to be one of the best places on Earth to watch a home match. Plus I love their club’s motto, which is sewn right into their jerseys: “Droit au but.” Straight to the goal.

Reel Previews: Rubber (2011)

I love movie trailers – come deconstruct them with me!

(Don’t cloud your judgement! Watch the trailer then read my rant.)

Rubber (April 01 2011* |Magnet Releasing)

*US Release date. Shown at the Cannes Film Festival in May of 2010.

(Advanced apologies for the sailor cussin’. It is necessary, as you’ll see in the trailer above/review below).

My first exposure to this movie was the poster. Very different from the orange and blue movie posters currently dominating the walls of cinemas these days. The thumbnail on the Apple trailers site was so small, I couldn’t see the tagline. I simply assumed that it was some sort of documentary on the millions of tires choking landfills and making our planet a sad and dirty place to live. For a split second prior to this I also thought of condoms (rubber, condoms, geddit?! Mind perpetually in the gutter, or just feeling horny these days? Hmm….*rubs chin*).

But assumptions make an ass out of the person doing the assuming, and I felt like an idiot thinking that this was some sort of environmental wake-up call to the materialistic masses. This is not a documentary.

Rubber Movie Poster
The poster has a grindhouse feel, doesn't it?

My first clue was at the very beginning of the trailer, when the fucking tire spins and gets up and starts rolling itself down the fucking road going on his merry way whatthefuckisthisfuckeryhisnameisRobert?!?!

So yeah, colour me confused. And really, really fascinated. Because he gets pulled over. By Babylon – *cough* I mean, the cops. The tire turns around and fucking blows the head of one of the cops to fucking smithereens ohmyholyshitiamdyingthisishilarious!

Just give me a sec while I catch my breath and wipe the tears from my eyes.

Okay! So this is a horror movie about a killer tire. If that isn’t the higher heights of brilliancy, I don’t know what is. And so, on the movie’s premise alone, I know that this is a must-see film. But does the rest of the trailer hold up to my heightened expectations? I mean, what are you supposed to expect from a movie about a murderous car part?

I suppose this could be a horror-comedy hybrid that the filmmakers, after puffing up some high grade hydro spliffs, though would be good for a laugh, not realizing that you’re not supposed to go through with any ideas you come up with when you’re high. Or it can a serious avant-garde film with deep themes and other bullshit that would just go over my head.

A brilliant idea then occurred to me and I tried a little thought experiment: re-watch the trailer again, but pretend that the tire is a person. How would I perceive the trailer then? Turns out, it was kinda hard to do. The film does look like a mixture of camp and artistic, though. The camp definitely comes from the tire itself, as well as the numerous jokes such as the briefing with the cops (“Is it black?” HAHAHA!) and the obligatory horror/suspense movie shower scene (around the 1:14 mark). But the cinematography and editing look like top notch indie film material.

I actually feel sorry for the damn tire when he forlornly stares at the fire at the 1:54 mark. Did he see the injustice of it all and then turn on mankind à la Falling Down? Is this a complex character study of a good tire gone bad? And just who the hell is this ‘visionary’ filmmaker Quentin Dupieux and his composers Mr. Oizo and Gaspard Augé? (Hint: one of these things is not like the others.) This is so confusing! Movies as ridiculous as this should look and sound shitty and have terrible, cringe-worth acting. And yet, it doesn’t seem to have any of these traits.

My final judgement is that it probably doesn’t matter; I will be seeing this (if I can) whatever the filmmaker’s intentions. Do you think the trailer sold you on the movie? Because it surely fucking did for me!

If you missed them, read the previous installments of Reel Previews here (The Mechanic) and here (Winnie-The-Pooh).

Late Bloomer / The Mantel

“Well, I’ve got him.  I’m just not sure what to do with him.”  Tom set his wineglass down on the patio table with a click and condensation splashed the hot glass surface, and the phone was slick in his hand.   The July sun blasted just two feet of tile along the length of the covered terrace, but it felt like an African veldt.  Loki, his fluffy Maine Coon tabby, lounged in deflated defeat in the shade of a potted clematis, opening one green eye from time to time in disapproval.

“Just have fun, boodles, you deserve it.” Thus spake Bill, ever the sage friend and wise counselor.  Too bad he was wrong 90% of the time.  Tom looked at the phone with annoyance, and the heat was only part of it.

“I am 35 years old and I have had enough fun.” he began.

As he often did, Bill interrupted.  “No, you haven’t.  You were all repressed in the ‘80s and ‘90s because you were trying to be Mr. Perfectpants for your wacky WASPy parents.  You became a serial monogamist.” This last dripped contempt, and he may as well have called Tom a serial killer.

“That’s what I want!  I’ve got all the casual stuff out of my system.  I’m not judging, I just want…”

“You want to be Samantha from Bewitched, is what you want, with your sweet New England-y house on Long Island Sound and your Wedgwood china and your well-maintained car and dinner parties and planting geraniums.  Except instead of Darrin you want a massive linebacker who talks dirty in bed and likes museums.”

Now this was truly annoying, because this was one of the 10% of times that Bill was right.

Taking a gulp of Pinot Grigio, Tom said. “Yes.  Something like that.  Is that so wrong?”

Bill chuckled.  “No, boodles.  But I think your cop with the – how did you say?  Sparkling eyes?  Anyway, he might or might not be the ticket.  Soooo… find out.  But don’t make it so damn serious.”

Pushing his very serious glasses up on his nose, Tom considered.  Slowly, he told Bill: “There’s some things that are… not right.  His clothes are dismal.  His apartment could be nice, but there’s dust bunnies in there that could eat me.  He smokes – not a lot, and he’s considerate, but still.”  Tom unbuttoned his linen shirt and fanned himself with Vanity Fair.  It helped a little.

He could almost see Bill’s eyebrow rise through the phone.  “Let’s recap that last date, k?  Quote: ‘He grabbed my hands and pinned me to the sofa and we made out like it was high school and he’s SO BIG and SO HOT and then he did that thing with his 5 o’clock shadow and my neck that drives me wild.’  Not a dust bunny to be seen.  As I recall, his shirt was off too, so you didn’t have to look at it.  Kohl’s, I bet, or some Big’nTall outlet, cast aside in the dust bunnies while you got your groove on.”

“I’m sorry I told you that.  In any case, it’s a long way from there to geraniums by the sea.”

“I want to meet him.”  Bill announced.

“No way.  You’ll scare him off.”

“He’s been shot at and had large buildings almost fall on him; he can handle me.”

“I think he’d prefer being shot at.  I know I would.”  Grabbing his wineglass, Tom slid inside to the cool air conditioning, padded to the kitchen and poured a refill.  “I can deal with this. I think.”

“Well, you should just enjoy the moment more, is all I’m saying.” Bill was back in sagacious oracle mode again, and it occurred to Tom that his description of the man in question must have piqued some curiosity.  He ducked outside again through the terrace door and parked himself in the yellow Adirondack chair he called The Throne.

A noise from the street below drew his attention, and he stood, leaning over the windowboxes bursting with begonias and mini roses.  It was a failing muffler, and it belonged to a crumbling white Jetta, which belonged to a very large man.  He got out and stretched, displaying wide shoulders straining an NYPD t-shirt which was damp in a few places, then ran a hand through his black velvety crewcut.  Sweat glinted from his brow and forearms.  He was magnificent.  Baggy shorts did little to hide tree-trunk legs and while his midsection wasn’t cut or anything, he was undeniably in great shape.

“Bill?  I think I have to go.” Tom said.

“Later, dollface.”

Shading his eyes against the sun, Tom watched as the big man opened the rear door of the Jetta and carefully pulled out a clay pot with bright pink and white flowers held above glossy green rounded leaves.  When he stood up, he seemed to feel Tom’s eyes on him and grinned.

Geraniums, Tom thought as he waved.  His name is Mike, and he brought me geraniums.

…..

Carefully, the old man took the device from a drawer in the gleaming kitchen and headed for the living room.  The Kid had given it to him for Christmas, and it had proven most handy.  He imagined that The Kid would be all frantic at seeing him up and about with no one else in the room and there would be a lecture about broken hips and pigheadedness.  That was all right.  He had little use for sleep these days.

The french doors to the patio were open and carried the scent of roses, fresh cut grass and geraniums into the room, with a little hint of the ocean.  The warmth was soothing to the old man’s bones and he smiled crookedly as he shuffled over to the mantel.

The first picture on the left was of him and The One.  The old man found it easier to think of him that way, rather than be bothered with names that jumbled themselves up in his head.  They were in a nightclub in the photo, and his arm was looped around The One’s shoulder as colored lights played over both of them.  He turned on the gizmo, which whirred and removed any dust from the braided silver frame.  There had been a kiss that night, and it had tasted of green apples from the drinks they had.

The next picture was in a heavy antique frame that required polishing, which the old man’s arthritic fingers couldn’t manage anymore.  But the gizmo whirred again and the glass sparkled over him and The One in tuxedos on the steps of The Cathedral Of The Incarnation in Garden City.  That had been quite a day.

The third picture was in an enamel frame that said Steven’s First Christmas, and showed the old man, then younger, grinning tightly at the camera over the shoulder of The Kid, a sullen teenager.  The One was giving both of them what was called at that time the side-eye.  It was, in hindsight, a hilarious shot, and the old man grinned toothlessly as the gadget polished it up.

A sleek, modern silver frame was next.  There was The Kid in graduation robes standing next to a young lady with glossy waves of black hair and an insouciant grin.  Julia.  Her name came to him unbidden.  The Kid was grinning too, all the way to his eyes, and his cap was tilted at a jaunty angle.  After a short hum, the silver gleamed around them.

The last picture was in a frame of popsicle sticks with a scallop shell glued to each corner.  It showed the old man and The One sitting on a beach on either side of a girl of about five, all with their backs to the camera.  An unexpected wave had come in and they were each reacting with varying degrees of surprise, and the girl’s shiny black hair was tumbling out of its ponytail.

A hum removed any dust, and this completed the old man’s task.

“Whatcha doin’?” said The One, padding down the stairs.  “You really should be more careful.”

The old man smiled.  In fact, this little chore was kind of exhausting and he headed for the sofa.

“Minding my business.” he said to The One, in a tone that suggested that he do the same.  He placed The Kid’s gadget on the glass-topped end table carefully, then sat.

The One plopped down on the sofa next to him, and both men regarded the garden outside.  Slowly, the old man turned to The One.  There was more than a trace of a square, stubborn jaw and his eyes were alight with mischief and humor.

“Mike,” said Tom, more clearly than he’d spoken in months,  “Can you get me a scissor?  I want to bring some geraniums in.”

“It’s  gonna cost you a kiss.”

“I may be ninety-whatever, but I remember how to do that.”

How Charlie Sheen Saved Playboy (Sort Of)

Inside the walls of the Playboy mansion property, preparations are in full swing for a St Patrick’s Day celebration under the twitchy eye of the property’s new owner, Charlie Sheen.   Of course, on the property, the party is referred to as the ‘St. Charlie’s Day 2016’ celebration, as it combines America’s favorite drunken holiday with the second anniversary of Sheen taking possession of the property and the magazine in 2014, shortly after Hugh Hefner’s death.

In the two years hence, the former actor has elevated the nudie-rag’s profile by moving high-demand content to ‘print-issue only’ status, increasing subscriber figures by nearly 25%, and pushing newsstand sales up by nearly 30% in the same time frame.

Sheen’s involvement in empire was the Playboy patriarch’s final masterstroke.  In late 2011, with the actor’s sitcom Two and a Half Men officially terminated by CBS, Hef saw an opportunity.  Here was a man some forty years his junior, flush with cash and free time, who shared his passion for naked ladies and also possessed of the one thing Playboy desperately needed:  Buzz.

In return for a relatively modest investment (which Sheen was able to finance against his future income from the syndication of Men), Charlie helped Hef buy out the private equity firm that helped take the magazine private in 2010.   As part of the deal, Hef gave Charlie access to the mansion, with the standing agreement that he would buy out his familial heirs at the time of his death.

The Playboy franchise, long circling the drain of print media, has experienced a rebirth of sorts under his leadership, despite his utter lack of experience in publishing, editing, or even reading.  His two specialities, drawing attention to himself and finding young women who gladly take their clothes off on camera, have proven to be the only skills needed to rescue the struggling publication.

Sheen’s fingerprints are all over the magazine:  His editor’s column, the simply titled: ‘Winning with Charlie’, greets readers every month with his thoughts on topics ranging from the need for grass roots democracy in the Middle East to the need for every adult film to contain at least one girl-girl scene.

His unique editorial touch marks the photo spreads as well.  He unofficially announced his presence in the first issue under his stewardship, posing Miss April 2014 suggestively straddling a bicycle without a seat.   However, by December of the same year, he drew even more attention with the inclusion of a centerfold showing two University of Kentucky track stars at opposing ends of a pole vault pole.

He’s also been very aggressive about cutting staff and taking on more work himself, including taking ownership of all TV, movie and music reviews under his column ‘Sheen & Heard’.   Though, Sheen’s sometimes (frequently) erratic behavior has evidenced itself here as well.  For 8 consecutive months, the column maligned the Chuck Lorre created Mike & Molly (unbelievably in it’s sixth season now), saying, among other things, that lead Billy Gardell “…(is) like John Candy, minus the talent, comedic timing, and good looks”.   He’s saved his worst for Lorre, though, stating in a separate issue that “(Lorre’s) scripts aren’t fit for use as a monkey’s diaper”.   In 2015, he reviewed a reissue of Dark Side of the Moon on three separate occasions (it received 5, 2, and 3 1/2 stars, respectively).

As the keeper of the mansion, Emilio’s brother has done his best to keep up some of the long standing traditions.   He still holds movie night once a month, including a double feature of Major League and Major League 2 this past September.  The mansion’s legendary parties are still well attended by Hollywood party stars and their hangers on, and still expertly catered.    Though, there have been issues, such as last year’s St. Patrick’s Day, when porn star Riley Steele convinced Sheen to dye the pool and grotto water green, claiming it would be ‘festive’.  Needless to say, the pool stayed empty that night.

This year, Charlie assures the revelers that there will be no food coloring in the pool, though he believes his will be the best St. Partick’s Day party around.  Taking a puff from a thick cigar, he stands overlooking the party area and mutters to no one in particular, “Still winning.  Always winning.”

Weekend and Monday Gossip Catchup

Allie done got herself an author account and she is just so excited to share this week’s gossip with y’all. So excited that she immediately put down her Evidence textbook and began writing this post for you. Since this post is coming late, I’m including the weekend’s gossip, and the top stories from today.

  • Shocker!: WB fires Charlie Sheen from CBS comedy Two and a Half Men. No word on whether production on the show will continue without Mr. Sheen. One and a Half Men doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, especially since that Angus T. Jones is ginormous now and is more of a Man than a Half-Man. Two Men and a Baby? Hasn’t that been done already? Anyway…(via TMZ).
  • Charlie’s Sheen’s response to being fired:

    “This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

    I get the sense we should be ignoring this guy for his own good.(Link via TMZ).

  • Lindsay Lohan is apparently upset that Miley took a few hits at her during her opening monologue on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Lorne Michaels is like a “father figure” to her, blah blah blah. Sounds like someone needs to learn how to take a joke. (Link via Dlisted).
  • Here’s the clip that’s got LiLo all heated:
  • In other LiLo news, the jewelry shop sold the video footage of her allegedly stealing the necklace for around $25,000 to $35,000 depending on which site you read. AP bought the footage and it was quickly licensed out to ET. You can watch Lindz’s alleged thievery by clicking here. Sites are reporting that the prosecution is pissed as hell that the jewelry store sold the footage, since it makes the jewelry store owners look like money-grubbing famewhores trying to make a quick buck off poor Lilo.
  • Picture of the mini-fashionista Suri Cruise popped up with her with a binkie in her mouth. Suri’s nearly 5 years old, so this is a little weird for some people. I say let the kid enjoy her binkie, not like Tom and Katie can’t afford the orthodontics in 5 years. *Insert obligatory barley water joke here.* Link via E!
  • No big deal: Amanda Seyfried dated Alexander Skarsgård. In other news, Brad Pitt and I just grabbed coffee last week. No big deal. Via Dlisted via Elle
  • Ke-dollar sign-sha made a deal with Lifestyles to put her glittery face on condoms. Is her face on the wrapper or on the condom itself? Can we blow her face up like a balloon? And pop it? I task you all to report back to me! Link via TMZ.
  • Comedian Mike DeStefano passed away of a heart attack. DeStefano recently was among the top five finalists in NBC’s past season of Last Comic Standing. Bummer. Link via Punchline Magazine.
  • Rachel Green starred a commercial for Smartwater that involves all types of internet memes, including my favorite lip-syncing little guy, puppies, BABIES!, double rainbow guy, Brad Wollock getting kicked in the nuts, and Rachel getting seXXXy with some water. Video here!

If anyone else wants to get in on the gossip action, holler at your gurl (that’d be me). This is harder than it looks, I give fellow Crasstalk authors props! I pulled most of gossip from TMZ and Dlisted today, so if anyone has any good sites to recommend, please let me know in the comments. I know we had some interest for rotating gossip columns during the Writer’s Workshop, so let me know about this as well!

Life, Death and Violence: Dream On

From WCRS Detroit and Public Snark International, this is Life, Death and Violence. Every week on our program we choose a theme and research a number of people and events that fit that theme. Today on Life, Death and Violence: Paradise. Imagine, for a moment, if you will, that paradise is exactly where you are right now, only much, much better. This is the land in which we will be traveling to today. Paradise though, is merely a dream, a hope, and, naturally we’ll be discussing the very nature of hopes and dreams today as well. I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I was about to be murdered in old Tiger Stadium, but, at the last minute, I was saved by this week’s Life, Death and Violence Crush Object™, Diana Rigg.

Diana entered from the visiting dugout, dressed, obviously, as Mrs. Emma Peel in a bright orange jumpsuit. She shot my attacker’s knife out of his hand and proceeded to dispatch him in a brief battle in hand to hand combat. Diana and I then rode out of Old Tiger Stadium on a beautiful white stallion which we rode across the pond and into Paris. 

It seemed like an instant, that ride, and I found myself transported from urban decay to a quiet little cafe in Montmarte drinking coffee delivered by our waiter, a centaur. The centaur began to tell a long story, which I will summarize in brief. His utopian home had been ravaged by humanoid goats and all the centaurs were forced into exile by the king of the goats, a potbellied pig named Phillip. Our waiter, Brian, then took my name and number when I asked if there was anything I could do to help and Diana and I each received a letter shortly after enlisting us as Generals in the Centaur Army. We went to Centauristan, kicked some goat butt, made delicious bacon out of Phillip and returned the land to the centaurs. Brian, for enlisting us who saved the nation, was named King and we all had a champagne toast in their golden palace. I woke up just as my gift from the centaurs, Joseph Gordon Levitt, leaned in to kiss me. I hate dreams. They always shatter.

Our show today, in four acts.

Act One: Trouble in Paradise: She was on top of the world, but found herself ready to snap.

Act Two: The Fulfillment of Dreams: The story of a writer who hit the big time and stayed there.

Act Three: The Death of Dreams: A disastrous failure shocks the nation.

Act Four: The Birth of Dreams: How one nation’s discovery changed the world, but was it for the worse?

Act One: Trouble in Paradise

The Carpenters: Top of the World

I remember, being a little kid in Metro Detroit, when I heard my first Carpenters song. I was, maybe, four, and having trouble going to sleep. I’d gone to sleep for a little bit, but had had a nightmare and was too afraid to try again. I called out for my mother around 1AM. She got me a glass of water and sang me “Close to You,” which calmed me down enough to fall back into the land of good dreams, where the impossible becomes possible and everything is made of rainbows. The next morning, I asked my mother to sing the song for me again, but, instead, she pulled out a vinyl copy of the Close to You album and played it for me while she got ready for work. At the time, she was working the afternoon shift at the local hospital, so my sister and I got to see her in the morning as our days were starting, which I really liked. I wasn’t in preschool at the time. I’d dropped out because the other kids were being mean to me and I had massive separation anxiety. Karen Carpenter’s voice reminded me of my mother, even though my mother didn’t sing nearly as well, so I played that record over and over and over again. We got rid of it a few years later when my parents switched from vinyl and tape over to compact disc, but it was fairly well worn anyways. Who knows how much longer it would have lasted.

The devastation felt when I found out Karen Carpenter had died before I was born was heartwrenching. I wasn’t blind. I understood from the copyright on the album that the record was released in 1970, but the girl on it looked so young. She couldn’t possibly be dead. People only die when they’re old. Such is the naivete of youth, I suppose. And when I found out she died because, as I understood it, her heart stopped, I was even more confused and all my mother would say was that Karen stopped eating. My mother doesn’t eat a lot, so I didn’t really understand that. Why had she stopped eating? Was she on a diet? Why would she be on a diet? She looked pretty. I was too young to understand media blitzkrieg, so I just sat there for years questioning what happened to Karen Carpenter.

Karen left my thoughts and my music collection for about a decade, until I found myself in New York City. It was big, scary, unknown. I felt alone. I didn’t know anybody. I was living with strangers I’d met on Craigslist and had planned to get an apartment with since they were moving out of theirs. After that plan fell through (which I find to be the worst thing to happen to me: a true 3br with a fireplace and a big kitchen, lots of light and in a pre-war building for 1400/month fully furnished was lost because one of the girls I was going to live with decided Bed Stuy was too dangerous for her and she’d find another apartment for 450/month elsewhere. As if, woman. I was too weak and insecure to find two other people to take the apartment with me and I ended up in a bedbug ridden hellhole in Sunset Park before moving into the dorms at Pratt Institute), Karen came back into my life. I was depressed and lonely, feeling the peak of my suicidal wishes. Rainy Days and Mondays, I decided, was what I’d kill myself to. It wasn’t a very happy time, until, I started re-listening to the happier music, going out and feeling better about myself. I can’t say that Karen Carpenter saved my life, but she did play a part in making me feel sane again, even if that sanity is still frequently challenged. I’m grateful for that, and I’m grateful that even though I didn’t get the chance to ever see her live since she died before my birth, that at least there’s a recording of her voice in every record store across America. The voice of an angel ready to change another person’s life, ready to make the world seem full of hopes, dreams and possibilities yet again, even in our darkest hour.

The Carpenters: Close to You

 

Act Two: The Fulfillment of Dreams

Today is the deathday of famed comic book artist Hergé. I first wanted to start writing watching the adventures of his famed Parisian journalist, Tin Tin and his dog, snowy. Let’s watch some of it together.

That Tin-Tin! Always getting into some sort of misadventure. This must be what it’s like to work for the New York Times! Right?

Act Three: The Death of Dreams

I wasn’t born during the Challenger Incident. It predated me by three years, but I did feel a closeness to the incident once I’d found out that our middle school principal, the only principal I’ve ever liked, whose name was, and if I’m lying about this may the Flying Spaghetti Monster strike me dead, Dr. Freeze, was one of the runner-ups for the Teacher in Space program. Someone I knew could have been killed in a massive space-oriented explosion, which horrified me as a space-obsessed tween who’d gone to Space Camp a few years earlier. This event was revisited shortly after the attacks on 9/11, which, naturally, my awful middle school neglected to tell us about causing me to come home all happy-go-lucky because soccer practice was cancelled and I really didn’t want to go to soccer practice that day. My sister, in response, snarled at me viciously and directed my attention to the television. It felt weird to watch an explosion over and over and over again and I got the sense that this is what my parents were doing in ’86, not knowing that someone they would soon know was almost on that shuttle. This week wasn’t the 25th Anniversary of the explosion, that was a few months ago. Instead it contains an even sadder bit of emotional violence: The discovery of the crew cabin in the Atlantic Ocean.

Challenger Crew

These “what if” fascinations haunted me for quite some time, especially once the Columbia shuttle exploded on reentry. I kept thinking to myself. What would I do if someone I knew died in an explosion that was plastered all over national television? How would I react? I never came up with an answer, simply because I understood that I couldn’t empathize with anyone involved in such an incident if it didn’t happen to me. I could sympathize. I could say “I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m here if you need me,” but I couldn’t say “I understand. It’s going to be okay,” because I didn’t understand, I didn’t know if it would be okay. Months later, I experienced my first death, that of my grandfather/puzzle partner. Even then, I still felt I couldn’t empathize with a death so sudden. My grandfather had been ill for months from lung cancer and we weren’t surprised when he finally passed. I think that, as crushed as she was, it was a bit of a relief for my grandmother. That year was very stressful in my family because of my grandfather’s rapidly deteriorating health, but if he had died in, say, a car crash, things would have been a lot different. The mourning would have lasted much longer, just as I’m certain that Christa McAuliffe’s family is still morning her loss, after that fireball in the sky, and having a record of her exact moment of death on hand has to be a surefire way to make it impossible to move on. For that reason, as easy as it may be to post, I’m opting to not post a video of the Challenger Disaster. I’m not going to promote the fetishization of death. All those disasters and space misadventures though did nothing to halt my love of space and desire to be an astronaut. That’s the responsibility of my complete hatred of Algebra 2 which led to my complete hate of Chemistry which led me into the arts.

S Club 7: Reach For the Stars

Act Four: The Birth of Dreams

In 1938, Saudi Arabia discovered oil in its borders, launching the 20th Century Mideastern Oil Boom and creating a dependence on the region that, nearly a decade ago, led to war, yet again, over the black, golden syrup. I’m not an expert on Mideastern Affairs and I’m not going to pretend to be. We all know that our over-reliance on oil is bad for the future of the planet. I’m going to leave Act Four up for discussion in the comments. Would the world be any different if that level of oil was, say, discovered in Western Europe, or would we just be at war with the French instead (oh what an easy war that would be!?) Can tension ever be resolved so as to lighten the stress on our ever dwindling oil reserves? What is there to be done? Let’s talk oil.

Salt n Pepa: Let’s Talk About Oil Sex

Community = “Common Unity”

In any community, regardless of the size or location, there are multifarious challenges in relating which all of us – as individuals and collectively – face at one time or another. Regardless of the specific circumstances, the goal of any group is to find a way to coexist peacefully and interact with others in a way that is beneficial – or, at the very least, civil – to all involved. The very fabric of society as a whole depends on these fundamental principles.

 

In my experience, the communities that I have enjoyed living in the most, and have felt an integral part of the most – from tiny pueblos to huge cities – have always been diverse to some degree. Whether the diversification comes from racial, ethnic, cultural, religious, political and/or intellectual differences, I have found that locales that are more of a melting pot (on any of the aforementioned levels) encourage compatible coexistence, if not necessarily tolerance and explicit interactions.

 

It is human nature – and it always feels easier – to remain in one’s comfort zones. We are all far more instinctively and unconsciously inclined to seek to engage with and appreciate people who look, think, believe, pray (or not pray) and behave in similar ways to our own predilections. But by ensconcing ourselves in this insular familiarity and self-created sense of “security”, we may miss the opportunity to learn new things. New patterns of behavior and edifying ourselves beyond our normal scope are what consistently motivate us to become greater than the previous sum of our parts. It is in seeking to surpass our long-held understandings that we truly grow, both as individuals and as members of society as a whole.

 

If my Italian-American mother hadn’t been open-minded when she met my West-Indian father when they were both students at Brooklyn College, neither I nor my uniquely wonderful brothers would be here today. My mother’s open-mindedness transcended her strict cultural upbringing. At the time of my birth in 1968, my maternal grandfather was a bigot only slightly to the left of Archie Bunker. Almost immediately after my birth, he became my best friend and surrogate father, and in time, he completely overcame his inherited racist beliefs. None of this would have been possible if my mother hadn’t had the courage to follow her heart instead of societal and familial indoctrination.

 

Over the years, I have become quite aware that some people view my innate friendliness and compassion with guarded suspicion, as though I must be hiding something up my sleeve. (Many more people have regarded and appreciated me at face value.) I make an effort not to judge the skeptics who doubt my true nature, because I know what is my truth. In addition, it’s a hard world to navigate, and sometimes the psycho-emotional mine field of daily living wears people down to the point where it’s all they can do to get by.

 

The problem with getting caught in the rut of survival instincts is that it becomes all too easy to become cynical. If we view everything with suspicion, then eventually, our capacity for hope and optimism will erode. This is why I make an effort to be kind as much as is possible: because there is so much enmity in the world already. But seeing everything in terms of polarities – kindness and enmity, etc. – isn’t necessarily a solution, either. There are too many shades of grey in between the absolutes, and – to extend the metaphor – there are also myriad majestic palettes of remarkable combinations of colors (experiences).

 

My purpose in writing this article is to invite readers – many of whom I already consider to be my community, my “circle of friends” – to make a deliberately heightened effort to appreciate difference, diversity and a fuller spectrum of what it means to be human. I invite you to choose something that is unquestionably the greatest challenge for you – for me, it would be having compassion for the right-wingers who are trying to dismantle women’s reproductive freedoms – and try to see the situation through your (perceived) adversary’s eyes. I’m not recommending in any manner that you should seek to adopt their point of view or even condone it in any way. I’m merely suggesting that you endeavor to shine a light of compassion into the darkness of their hatred.

 

As human beings, we can either keep bickering over base, insignificant trifles, destroying the once-pristine environment and the exquisite animal kingdom in our materialistic, frenetic distracted hubris; or else we can make a dedicated effort to find common ground with each other, and share our highest productive intentions instead. Considering the exceptionally dire state this planet is in, we would all do well to remember the fundamental, incontrovertible truth: that we are all in this together: and either we will all survive and thrive as a whole, or ultimately, none of us will.

 

I’ll leave you with the immortal words of Rodney King:

“Can we get along? Can we… can we… can we all get along? Can we stop making it horrible for the old people and the kids?”