Flames… On the Side of My Face!!!

Flames!

What do you do when someone just sends you into a white-hot rage? The answer is: it depends. Sometimes you abruptly resign, file divorce papers, or toss some cash on the restaurant table and quietly but quickly leave. These can be very satisfying savers of your sanity, though divorces always make me a little sad.

Most times, though, you try to work it out. How much effort you put into this depends a lot on you and your temperament. Hotheads and angermonkeys need to put things in check, which is reinforced by our society. They blow up; get it out, sometimes leaving carnage but at least protect themselves. But what of those of us who are, say, passionate emotionally but behaviorally overcivilized? We – I’m one of these – have a tendency to let our anger build up to intolerable levels, and then snap. Sometimes we internalize it, taking it out on the wrong people, or letting it affect our health. Most insomniacs and heavy drinkers are wired this way. The snapping phase can be epic. If you are known for not raising your voice or cursing, it gets a LOT of attention when you finally do.

That’s good. No one wants to be married to Barnacle Bill. But there’s more. I’ve learned a thing or two about this subject. If you’re known as being even-keeled, and you sometimes feel like your emotional schooner is named Poseidon and Fergie is flying upside down through the ballroom, hear me.

Protect yourself. Your reputation is not worth the cost of your emotional health. Do a few healthy things to address your immediate state of mind. Take a bath, go for a run, talk it out with your kitty. (Not a loved one at this point. You will seem whiny and they will interrupt with questions. Kitties and doggies were invented because they just listen and don’t judge.) Resist the urge to self-medicate by re-creating Valley Of The Dolls or sitting alone in the dark guzzling wine. It doesn’t help.

Calm now? Good. No one expects you to be Sweet Susie Sunshine at this point – you’re still mad. Now is the time to grab a pad and list what you plan to do about the issue. Taking action restores your sense of control over the situation. Some examples:

  • The Office Bully / Underminer: Gets reported to the CEO or other management as appropriate, with documented instances and facts to back you up.  If nothing is done, it’s a trip to HR.  And if nothing is still done – you quit.  Finding another job first is best, obviously.
  • Bitchy Cousin Hazel: Ruins every family event with gossip, slander and bigotry.  It’s almost like she can’t help it.  Maybe she can’t.  But you’re sick of it, you don’t want your spouse and kids subjected to it, and it’s not a quirk you can stand anymore.  Cut her. Explain to her with specific examples why you’re taking a break from hosting her at Easter – “You know, Hazel, this is hard for me to say, but celebrating the risen Christ isn’t easy with your frequent use of the n-bomb at the table and speculating that people who aren’t there go to sex clubs.  We can’t do it anymore.”  Repeated requests should be met with “I’m so sorry, we just can’t.”
  • The Manipulator: Your friend Karen is more fun than a barrel of monkeys and sweeter than a nest of baby bluebirds.  But she never has her wallet when you go out, and her car is always in the shop.  She borrows books and clothes and doesn’t return them.  Now she’s asking for money.  Don’t, unless you consider it a gift.  You’ll never see it again, and her doe-eyed mental trips to Someplace Else when you ask about it will just get further and further away.  See above: “I’m so sorry, I just can’t.”  You don’t have to explain why.  She knows already.

So! Now you have a plan, and you’re about to implement it. Here are your biggest hurdles to get over: you want to be liked, and you hate chaos and disorder. It’s really very simple. Not everyone is going to like you. That’s just reality, babe, and you know we all love you here anyway. Plus, the chaos and disorder that result from this confrontation may not matter much in a very short time. This is where your beloved comes in. He or she should be backing you up 100%. You should always present a united front, and if this requires a weepy phone call from a stairwell or multiple hugs, you have every right to expect them. As for your friends? Wise sage Miss Manners (aka Judith Martin) spake thusly: “Your best friend is the person who convinces you that the unbearable is in fact bearable because it is also funny.” I want to buy that gal a Gibson. Now go and do what needs doing.

Aftermath: This may be slightly messy, but you may bask in the twin satisfactions of Doing The Best You Could and Not Taking Any Shit.

Repeat. Over and over, all the days of your life.  Your heart, your mind and your spouse will thank you for it.

Yes, I quit my job, and yes, I gave no notice, and yes, I told the CEO why.  It wasn’t exactly news; he was in on the joke from the outset.  The Cap’n has my back.  And I’ve got several irons in the fire from the flames on the side of my face. No worries, kittens.  And I hope this post helped some of you.

ETA: I’ve now been told by my erstwhile assistant that he is quitting also, that they can’t replace me with the salary on offer, and that “”Betty” really brought us to the next level.” is being bandied about the office.  Heh. Heh-heh-heh.

Time Machine Book Review: The Timothy Files and Timothy’s Game

The Timothy Files, Lawrence Sanders, 1987, Berkley Books
Timothy’s Game, Lawrence Sanders, 1988, Berkley Books

When the term Private Investigator comes up in conversation, everyone has a touchstone. Whether it’s Magnum P.I. or Sam Spade, the overall tradition has been of a man who is pithy, good with the ladies, drinks, smokes, and kills, albeit reluctantly and usually in self defense.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Timothy Cone.

Although he’s a private detective and fits the bill of stereotypes, he’s not pithy. In fact, he’s the only detective who has forced me keep a dictionary handy to translate his verbosity during the reading of Lawrence Sanders’ wonderfully funny and unfortunately too short series of 2 books containing 3 short stories each.

Timothy Cone works for Haldering & Co. a Manhattan Wall Street firm that investigates clients for buyouts and mergers. Pretty dull stuff in theory, until the murder, sex, (the stories take place in the 1980’s, so there is a lot of cocaine and some ebullient wife-swapping) and thievery of the clients make the books difficult to put down. With plots that are so realistic they can awaken the felon a reader never knew they inwardly possessed, (I know now how to commit insider trading if it was 30 years ago).  The books “The Timothy Files” and “Timothy’s Game” have intricate descriptions of Manhattan when it was still dirty and dangerous, with mind-numbingly intelligent plots that make these short stories some of the best mysteries I have ever read. And re-read. And still laughed out loud at, 16 years after I read them for the first time. But the best thing, is the is the dialogue. (And the fact that when Cone leaves his apartment he orders his cat, Cleo not to masturbate while he is gone.)

Cones’ description of his romantic interest Samantha Watling, (his boss): “an iron fist in an iron glove.”

About a briefcase full of papers he has to carry home: “I lugged the blivet down here.” *

Admiring an attractive woman: “What a dish! He suddenly remembers a gyrene** buddy of his spotting a similar woman on the street and remarking admiringly, ‘all you need with that is a spoon and a straw.'”

A sergeant he’s working a case with, who constantly bums cigarettes: “I’m trying to quit smoking by not buying cigarettes. Now I’m going to die a mooch with lung cancer.”

To a libidinous older police detective he’s eating lunch with: “Your a dirty old man.” “Well, I was a dirty young man, I haven’t changed.”

These stories are fast paced, daring, and the perfect mix of noir and humor. And I haven’t loaned one out without the person becoming a convert. A girlfriend who’s never read a mystery, a friend before he was shipped to Iraq, a theater production designer – they all came back raving and quoting the book randomly over drinks.

Timothy Cone can make friends among the most diverse groups of people.

I’m not a fan of Lawrence Sanders’ ‘Deadly Sin’ series, or any of his other books actually. They never captured my interest. But, to re-work that stupid Jerry Maguire quote into the ground in regard to Timothy Cone, “He had me at scragged.” ***

* blivet – 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag
**gyrene – a member the US Marine Corps
*** scragged – killed

Mad Men: Say Goodbye to Your Favorite Cast Member?

What’s worse than hearing that one of your favorite shows is delayed for a year because of money squabbles between the “suits” that run the studio, the show creator, and the network? Well, how about the mind-boggling reasons behind the squabbles. It’s one thing to think the cause is some amorphous, “We think the show is great, now we want to figure out who gets what cut of the profit” reason. We expect this kind of behind-the-scenes dealings. And we’re willing to put up with it, since we know Hollywood is a grubby little greed-field full of hungry muskrats. But when the reasons bleed into the integrity of the show…well, that’s a whole other bag of bad.

Reports reveal that the continuing standoff between show creator Matt Weiner, AMC, and Lionsgate Television, is centered on a few main points. AMC/Lionsgate is asking for: integrating more product placement into the series, cutting 2 minutes from each episode’s running time in favor of more commercials and eliminating/reducing two regular cast members to save money. To which Weiner has basically said, “That’s some crazy shit that I’ll never agree to.” Considering what’s on the table if the deal goes through, this is an interesting position to take. He stands to make $30 million over two years and become the highest-paid showrunner on basic cable. Is he really this altruistic? Is he really putting the integrity of the show above his own desires for economic success? Well, for now it would seem that way.

And it’s not any wonder. We can tell that the show is a labor of love for Weiner. Granted the series is expensive to produce and the ratings still wouldn’t classify the show as a bonafide hit in the sense that Two and a Half Men is a bonafide hit (And I say this to make a point. Watch Mad Men folks). Invariably, the show struggles every season. But, the reason why it’s critically acclaimed and an award-winning program is the authenticity, the keen attention to detail, and the well-crafted artistic vision and workmanship Weiner has strived for. He knows that he has something worth its salt, and selling it out for cheap…well, that’s not in the cards for him at this moment. But it does make one wonder what AMC is thinking about their flagship series.

“This is their storied franchise, and they want it shorter and cheaper, with fewer actors and more product integration,” an insider said. “The negotiations are about to collapse as a result.”

Reps claim the negotiations are still underway, and Tuesday, in a bold move, AMC announced that the fifth season is slated to premiere in March of 2012 despite not having a deal with Weiner. This would be a clear deviation from the approach taken two years ago when similar negotiations occurred. AMC wanted 2 minutes of extra commercial load for the show. The two sides were able to reach a compromise and agreed to let the episodes run into the 11 PM hour so ad time could be added without having to shorten the scripts, but it looks bleak that a similar situation will unfold without some flexibility from the networks. This new deal would basically rescind the former arrangement, but would still leave Mad Men‘s running time 90% longer than most other basic cable shows. Which begs the question if basic cable is really the right place for a show like Mad Men, a show that has a sweeping storyline and relies heavily on the subtle evolving of its characters and their environment.

Personally, as a fan, I’d take two more minutes of commercials instead of haggling over more product placement, since in my opinion products can be worked into the show more seamlessly, so why negotiate? The whole fooking show is about advertising! The idea that the studio wants more advertising on a show about advertising when they do nothing but product placement in most every episode is just too meta for comprehension. What do they think stories that center around ads for Samsonite, London Fog, Honda, or Utz are? But the idea of cutting out beloved characters sounds ludicrous and empirically asinine. Who would they get rid of? Well, obviously Betty can go for a long walk off a short pier, but other than scowl-face, who else would we be willing to lose for the sake of saving a few bucks and making this show into a shilling pile of jokes between just Don and Roger like some sort of Martin and Lewis routine, eh? Yeah, I’m thinking what you’ll lose is the entire viewing audience.

Reports as of last night indicate that AMC may be walking back some of those original statements about cutting characters.

“They’re not asking Matt Weiner to change the show’s DNA, and they are not asking him to fire or cut two actors. That was part of a list of suggestions that they gave to him or to his people to monitor the budget on the show.”

Addressing the question of product integration, the source said, “[Product] integrations have been happening from season one. It’s not additional product placement, it’s basically being able to talk about the product placement in the show, it’s an issue of transparency about the product placement that has gone on since season one, so their partners can talk about it.”

However, Weiner’s camp maintains that AMC has indeed put cutting talent on the table.

Matthew Weiner told The Huffington Post that the issues of actor cuts, episode time cut and product integration were not merely suggestions, as indicated by a previous source, but instead were definite AMC demands.

“The casting is a hard and fast thing,” the source said. “They’re not making a suggestion, that’s not how these things work, that you cut your budget after you cut your deal. They said cut $1.5 million in cash expenses per year, which is the equivalent of two actors. They give you a number they want you to hit, and you have to hit it.”

The source added that the budget cut each year would require cutting two actors every year for three years, and not bit players. “Series regulars,” was how the source described the type of role that would have to be cut.

Apparently life is imitating art. Can’t you just see Campbell, Cosgrove, and Harry Crane, looking furtively at Don’s closed door hoping they don’t get called in? And since AMC has utilized their option with Lionsgate they’ve intimated that they can move forward with season 5 with or without Weiner…and that would be horrible. What would Mad Men then become? [Insert awful NBC show here.]

I just don’t know. Who do you believe? Hey, Weiner, maybe you better start answering some email from HBO!

[Top image via AMC]

Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.”

-Nina Simone

There are small understandings — bringing home the wrong thing for dinner because you misheard your significant other’s request — and there are absolutely huge misunderstandings. This post is about a major misunderstanding which occurred when I was a child that took years to properly sort out in my psyche.

When I was about seven, I attended the wake for a very elderly distant relative who had passed away. It was a big, Italian-American affair in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, filled with emotion, elaborate floral displays, copious food and flowing conversation. It was unsurprising that at certain points, I was left unattended, free to mingle and (hopefully for me) find someone else close to my own age to connect with. Unfortunately for me, that never happened.

I had already followed the adults in their Catholic ritual of passing the coffin, kneeling and crossing myself. The whole experience was creepy, but at least the old man in the coffin did seem to be at peace. I returned to my seat, turned to one side and held my breath in complete shock — the dead guy was sitting right next to me!  He was still alive!

What no one in my large extended family had remembered to tell me was that the man who died had an identical twin brother, who was in fact very much alive. Had I known that, I wouldn’t have felt the need to run from the room in absolute panic. I remember hiding in the women’s bathroom on the floor below the viewing area, trying to figure out what had just happened. Eventually, someone took pity on me and compassionately explained things to me, but I was still quite shaken by the experience.

My point here is that obviously, there is a difference between misunderstandings which are accidental and innocuous and those which are mean-spirited and malicious. Yet sometimes (as in the very odd circumstance I described above) even an innocuous misunderstanding can have far-reaching and lasting consequences.

I’d like to invite in the comments for you to share misunderstandings — small or large — that have stayed with you over the years (or maybe just ones that are fresh in your memory). If there is an ultimate lesson you learned, please share that also.

Hump Day: A Salute to Classic Romance

Happy Hump Day Crasstalk. Hope you have been lucky in love this week (The GI has not, but she will try harder). Since Liz Taylor passed away last week I thought we could use some classic beauty to get us started.

I know people don’t consider this guy a Hollywood Hottie, but look at this picture of John Wayne.

Easy, Cowboy.

I’ve also always had a soft spot for Henry Fonda.

For those of you who like the ladies, here is a great picture of Liz.

 

Wowza!

This is Myrna Loy, who was not only a fantastic actress, but was a stunning beauty.

 

Oh my, it's getting warm in here.

Damn. So that’s why they called them the greatest generation. Remember to follow the usual rules here, and have a steamy day.

My Explicit Life – SFW

Sex is my hobby.

Not so much the having of it (lingering Catholic damage and a significant aversion to germs and off-spring killed any chance for promiscuity for me at an early age). But I am fascinated by the vast variety of ways humans have divined to get off. My “research” has taken me to some really interesting places and some really dark places, but all of it has been. . . rewarding.

My special interest is in pornography.

I’ve seen at least a few films from all genres that are not on-their-face disturbing (you know it when you hear about it) or illegal. To list just the kink genres alone would be a post in itself, so I will refrain. Remember Rule 34.

Let’s just say that I’ve done the leg work.

My pornographic life has seen its fair share of internal and external conflict. A common critique  I receive (usually screamed at me after too many beers), particularly from my female friends, is that all porn exploits and degrades women; that there is no way the porn industry isn’t damaging the women participating and all women in general. I respect this opinion. I was once even persuaded by that opinion but as I have experienced more and branched out (way out) from the Vivid/Hustler/Playboy worlds of porn and seen some truly amazing (and H-O-T) work being done by smart women who are deeply committed to forwarding a feminist viewpoint in their work, I changed my mind. So, while I still agree that a significant portion of the business remains deeply misogynistic, I think it is an unfair and inaccurate picture of the entire industry.

I started this post thinking that I would make some recommendations about some excellent and incredibly hot work going on that you may not have heard of if your own pornographic life is restricted to X-Tube, pay-per-view, or trolling for whatever free genitals are bumping and grinding their way around the interwebz. But Lux Alptraum and the staff at Fleshbot (link is NSFW) have that covered and I cannot improve upon their work.

So instead I’d like to impart the some of the lessons I’ve learned about real-life sex after 10+ years (the beginning of my pornographic life was, technically speaking, illegal) of watching people have sex on camera.

Even if you are extremely porn-adverse, I think these lessons will translate. They are from the perspective of a straight woman (not on behalf all straight women). While I’d like to think they translate across orientations and genders, I don’t want to make any assumptions.

  • Nobody looks “cute” with their ankles next to their ears. Even the hottest of porn stars (Bobbi Starr and Junior Stellano – links NSFW) look silly. Sex, even on-camera sex, is not about looking pretty. It’s about having a good time. The best porn, while still porn (meaning that the positions are inventive, acrobatic, and cheated to the camera), is about two people enjoying the shit out of each other. It is not about posing or faking it for the viewing audience. Your sex shouldn’t be either. Regardless of who you are fucking and how “hot” that person is, if they are blowing the top of your head off, they will not care what your thighs, stomach, or sweaty, red face looks like in that particular position (unless they are a total piece of shit). Getting someone off is way more of a turn-on than a perfectly posed and composed body (as if there is such a thing).
  • Have a loose plan before you dive in. Believe it or not, porn, like any other film, has a script. That script mostly consists of a position-by-position breakdown. There are innumerable benefits to coming up with your own “script” for how exactly you are going to go about turning your partner into boneless puddle of goo. Not only does the anticipation kick the experience up about 100 notches, both of you will also feel more secure and prepared for what is about to come (pun intended). Surprises and spontaneity can be fun but they can also be disconcerting and doing it that way all the time can breed repetition and boredom. It also tends to remove an element of participation from the less spontaneous partner. Planning also helps remove any uncertainty about consent and help insure that no one feels overwhelmed, taken advantage of or for granted.
  • Talk! Talk about your sex before you have it (the “script”)! Talk about your sex after you have it (see if the “script” was successful)! If it’s your thing, talk about the sex while you are having it! Good porn is extremely communicative. Maybe the actors aren’t exactly using SAT words but questions are asked and answered and the status updates are constant. As a female viewer, that is perhaps the hottest part of the entire viewing experience.
  • Lastly, an orifice, is an orifice, is an orifice, is an orifice. From magazines, advertisements for bizarre products and services, and my own friends I get the sense that a LOT of people worry about about the appearance of their anuses and vaginas. While I won’t go so far as to say all that shit looks exactly the same (honestly, to me it does. I couldn’t pick my own vagina out of a line-up.) but essentially we are all working with the same stuff. The surprises are few. Also, not to be harsh about porn actors, but they are not the best actor-actors. I’m pretty good at catching nuances in facial expression and in all the porn I’ve watched, from all walks of porn life, I have never seen an actor show even the slightest sign of freaking out at the sight of a particular orifice. All I’ve seen, in all the time I’ve spent in the trenches, is a person who is just happy to be allowed to visit with a particular orifice for a while. So calm down and don’t feel like you HAVE to “bleach” or “rejuvenate” anything in order to join the party.

I hope this was illuminating for a lot of you and not too pedantic for the rest of you perverts (“pervert” is a term of endearment in sexxxy circles. I use it here with the utmost respect and affection.).

If you would like some porn recommendations and do not want to go to Fleshbot, ask away in the comments!

Tuesday Night Open Thread

Hi gang. Hope you have had a great day and are ready for a wonderful evening. Since we were talking about bad TV today I am going to share some of my favorite 70s cheese.

Have a great night.

Fake Girlfriends for Social Networks Are Now a Reality

1 comment

Do you wish you had a girlfriend to impress all your “friends” on those social networking sites, but all those online dating horror stories have driven you from finding a real girlfriend?  Well, now you can have the online girlfriend experience without all the trouble of dating and interacting with humans.  CloudGirlfriend.com will pretend to be your significant other on social networking sites for a small, but as yet undetermined fee.

The people behind the site claim your fake girlfriend will not be an automated love-bot but will be a real person.  Who knows, it might even be a girl.  She will write on your Facebook wall, tweet you sweet nothings and proclaim her love for you from the highest Tumblr.

I know what you’re thinking, wouldn’t your friends in real life wonder who this mystery woman is?  Yes, and you’ll have to lie to them.  But girls you barely know in your online social circle will think you have a girlfriend and then they’ll want to be your girlfriend too.  The science behind this is solid and you shouldn’t question it.

Source and image CNet.

Movie Review: Sucker Punch

Sucker Punch

Starring: Emily Browning, Abbey Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung, Carla Gugino & Oscar Isaac
Directed by: Zach Snyder
Written by: Zach Snyder & Steve Shibuya based on a story by Zach Snyder

Zach Snyder is a director that is probably best known for his visual flair. His groundbreaking work in 300, his beautifully realized (whether you liked the actual film or not) version of Watchmen, these are what people have come to expect from Snyder. Even his earliest feature, the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead showed that he was a director with a vision.

However his greatest strength is also his biggest weakness. Snyder is so focused on the visual spectacle that the story gets muddled and lost on the way to its ultimate realization. In the past when he was doing a remake or working with someone else’s material this wasn’t as noticeable.  And ultimately he still pulled it off. However Sucker Punch is an entirely original film written by Snyder. And in this case that lack of focus or attention to story, plot & characterization is glaring.

It’s really no mystery at this point what Sucker Punch is about. The studio promoted the hell out of this thing. With a price tag of around $82 million not including marketing costs they had to. So I don’t think I give anything away here by recapping briefly (though there may be some mild spoilers, you are forewarned). “Baby Doll”(Browning) is sent to a mental institution. In there she meets fellow in mates “Sweat Pea”(Cornish), “Rocket”(Malone), “Blondie”(Hudgens) & “Amber”(Chung). The hospital is run through a combination of Dr. Vera Gorski(Gugina) and head lackey/orderly Blue Jones(Isaac).

Baby Doll, who’s got a limited amount of time sort of conjures up in her mind a dreamworld where she gets a quest to free herself from the asylum. Like in the trailer we’re told she needs a map, fire, a knife, a key and some other mystery object.

The majority of the rest of the film as shown in the previews is about Baby Doll and gang trying to procure those items through her warped vision of reality. What’s actually going on back in the asylum is anyone’s guess because we don’t even see it again till the film is almost over. This is part of the problem.

I understand that films want to have “layers” of dreams or subconscious. I mean hell it worked for Inception(at least I thought it did) so why not here. We spend much more time in that “second layer” the first layer being reality. In the second layer none of them are in an insane asylum, but rather in some strange burlesque/prostitution club. It’s through this layer that we  get to the third layer which in this case is all the stuff you saw in the preview with dragons and weird steampunk zombie Nazis(which is kind of funny only because I had watched Dead Snow the night before for the first time) etc.

It all looks quite frankly for the most part pretty awesome. The action sequences are fast paced adrenaline pumping scenes. You see some really cool stuff that is very visually impressive. And you only stop and scratch your head a little bit wondering why exactly these 5 women are fighting all these things scantily clad in school girl outfits and other garb better suited for a fetish video than the alleged ass kicking they are handing out.

And then it really hits you. Because while you’re distracted by all the visual fireworks you’re not really thinking. Then wham you get sucker punched. The movie doesn’t really make any fucking sense whatsoever.

I’m sure Snyder had the best of intentions going into this. He just didn’t think things through. The idea is that Baby Doll is supposed to be getting “empowered” when she sets herself free in her mind and through that she can somehow free herself from the physical prison she’s in. What? How the hell is hallucinating your way through a smorgasbord of fanboy wet dreams equal freeing yourself? Are we to believe that Baby Doll is empowering and freeing herself by imagining herself slicing things with a katana in a school girl outfit? The very idea of it is preposterous. .

Like all good morality tales(and this kind sorta tries to be one) there is a lesson to be learned here. That lesson is apparently that Zach Snyder needs to stick to directing other people’s material. Because when it’s his own material we get flat emotionless acting, horrible dialogue and of course to hammer the same nail again an essentially incomprehensible plot. Of course wrapped up really really nice. Oh and sorry folks Jon Hamm is in the film all of five minutes; if you were going to see him, don’t.

Sucker Punch is a beautiful mess. I can’t say I’m anything less than impressed with the visuals, they are stunning and if that’s enough for you than go see it. If you’re looking for anything more save your money and see something else. I give it two beers.