This week of Thanksgiving, let us remember that we can at least be thankful that all but one of these people have NO chance of becoming president. Tonight is ostensibly about foreign policy and national security-areas where the GOP is typically pretty consistent. Sadly, this may mean that the candidates won’t have their favorite scapegoats tonight-Obamacare, gays, and poors. At least, not our gays and poors.
Come for the ignorance, stay for the insults.
8:00- I must admit, I love CNN’s intros for these things. It’s like our history is all one big TV drama, like a soap opera, but with worse writing.
8:02- These quasi-24 graphics introducing the candidates are a nice touch as well. Another touch of gravitas, isn’t it?
8:04- It’s fitting that the Heritage Foundation sponsors these debates. They own the candidates after all. Goodie, we’ll get Twitter questions again! 140 characters is the perfect amount for a nuanced query.
8:05- Gingrich walks like such a schlub, doesn’t he? I’d like to see him throw out a first pitch at an MLB game. No way that would end badly. And Ricky P gives the ol’ six-shooter when he walks out, in case anyone forgot that he likes to kill people.
8:09- Wolf Blitzer is working on setting a record for the most words without saying anything of substance whatsoever, ever.
8:10- Unsurprisingly, Ron Paul is the only one who thinks we need to be careful about when and how we go to war. The Heritage Foundation will have him electrocuted at 9 PM.
8:12- I’m just going to say it-HD is not kind to most of these folks, especially Michelle Bachmann.
8:14- I hope Ron Paul gets a crack at the Patriot Act, I really, really hope for it. I’d like to know how Newt differentiates between criminal law and national security as it pertains to the powers of the Patriot Act. Is it based on religion? Race? Political alignment? Apparently he’s been watching plenty of 24 himself.
8:16- Prepare for 7 vs. 1 here. Nobody else is going to side with Ron Paul when it comes to spying on America.
8:18- Good for Michelle, she realizes that we have wireless phones these days. I think Glenn Greenwald would be interested to hear that Obama is so easy on terrorists and suspected terrorists.
8:22- Or for fuck’s sake, privatizing the TSA doesn’t make it any better. It makes Lockheed’s bottom line better.
8:23- There’s nothing better during a debate than hearing folks who have no access to the Federal government and the classified data therein lambasting Obama’s ‘record’ pertaining to the CIA. Well done, Rick Perry.
8:24- I was wondering if Santorum was going to stay off ‘Muslims’ there. Which Muslims, Rick? ‘All of them, Katie’
8:26- Really, Wolf? What do you think Herman Cain is going to say? Who had 8:26 as the time xenophobia entered the debate?
8:27- First of all, did he just call the moderator ‘Blitz’? HOW IS THIS MAN STILL POLLING OVER 10%?
8:29- An expanded drone program? Aren’t we already doing that? I guess now it’s a bad idea? Fuck, I’m confused.
8:31- Pakistan is half way across the world, Michelle. What, persay, is the actual plan for holding them accountable?
8:32- In fairness, Rick, it’s not our citizens money that we are sending to Pakistan. It’s China’s, technically.
8:35- To summarize- Mittens wants to throw good money after bad in Afghanistan and Pakistan. I think I see why he’s out of the private sector now. It’s called a sunk cost, you zero.
8:38- I for one am SHOCKED that the ground commanders want to hold onto a larger troop presence longer. I’m guessing if we wait, they’ll want to push it out again. Just a guess.
8:40- Everytime Ron Paul interrupts, I sincerely want his followers to buy him 30 minute blocks of primetime television-Ross Perot-style.
8:42- Damnit. Now I agree with Newt on something. We should be pissed that Pakistan was possibly harboring Bin Laden. We should not be surprised, however.
8:44- Fucking Santorum. You clowns have bitched for months about the deficit, etc., and now we MUST bear the cost of boots on the ground in Asia. Let me guess, Rick, the unwed mothers and the gays should be the ones who pay for it, right?
8:52- Sorry, I had to step out to get some cocoa. Did we nuke Finland yet?
8:55- Iran can’t even manufacture a fucking car. We’re still worried about them getting an actual, functioning nuclear weapon?
8:56- AIDS leads to radical Islamism. Also, chicken pox leads to the 12 days of Christmas. Thanks, Santorum.
8:59- Damnit, I’m finding myself agreeing with Ron Paul again, at least about giving money to Africa when we have humongous amounts of poverty and hunger here in this country.
9:00- Mittens is hitting the trifecta! Obamacare, troops, and budget! Take a bow, Willard.
9:02- Oh no! We’re going to finally kill the F-22? This one?
9:03- Mitt, if you love Israel so much, why don’t you marry it? Oh, you can’t, because you’ll go to hell!
9:05- So I have this straight-We armed Israel, and now we’d be fucked if they acted alone. Terrific work, gents.
9:06- What’s sad about Huntsman’s case is that there was at least one other individual who showed up on SNL’s Weekend Update last Saturday that has a better chance of becoming President than Huntsman-and that individual was a Muppet.
9:08- A Super Committee question? If there’s one think Rick Perry knows, it’s Super Failures.
9:10- Seeing as how Rick doesn’t have a fucking clue as to how our federal government works:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLQg7G3hkGY
9:11- We still managed to get into the economy and budget tonight. I honestly have no snark for people like Santorum who claim that the President has somehow tried to pit Americans against each other. He just needs to fuck off.
9:12- A research fellow at the American Enterprise Institute? What do they do? Dig up Friedman’s body and circle jerk around it?
9:15- Michelle Bachmann’s lipstick purveyor would like everyone to know that there should always be money in YOUR budget to bring your your lunatic smile.
9:16- After the break, we’ll talk about fences, moats, and dog-whistles. Yes, it’s immigration time!
9:22- Did the Heritage Foundation send their entire staff to this thing? Is it like the company picnic? Or did they buy the tables as a fundraiser, and then couldn’t find anyone to buy them?
9:24- Mexican Muslims, Rick? Even Mitt is looking at you like you are a lunatic.
9:27- You know who else wanted to legalize marijuana?
9:29- Oooh, the EIC of ‘American.com’. Sounds like a real egghead, ladies.
9:31- I’m sure Newt is super serious about enforcement of immigration laws against employers. Bring up that huge agri-business loves those workers, and the tune changes very quickly, I’d wager.
9:32- Newt: If those poor brown folks want to sacrifice themselves as cannon-fodder in our efforts to kill brown people halfway across the world, I will gladly give them citizenship. Then vote to cut their health care after they have an arm blown off.
9:36- I wonder if Mitt is aware that at least a few of the folks on stage would happily have Mormons declared as illegal immigrants.
9:38- I’m honestly so exhausted of the ‘patrol the border’ debate. Rick Perry is the governor of Texas. Is he aware of how FUCKING LONG that border is?
9:41- Last break. It’s a good thing. I’ve clearly run out of gas here.
9:44- That is a serious beard, Mr. Addington-Marcus Bachmann likes what you’ve done there.
9:45- Cain realizes if we have a no-fly zone over Syria, nobody can deliver any pizza!
9:46- Three times after talking about ‘growing the economy’, Cain reached for the sky. What’s up there, Herm? Gold coins? The ass of a female employee? Stellar debate prep, boss.
9:47- The Other Mormon reminds us that we can only trust Israel.
9:49- Poor Katherine Zimmerman. Herman Cain really needs to give that poor girl a little 9-9-9 to loosen her up.
9:51- Mittens thinks that we are a unique and special nation. He’s right. You don’t get this fat, dumb, and broke without doing a few things exceptionally.
9:53- Rick Perry wants to get serious about Syria, then he wants to get after Afghanistan and then he’ll take ‘A Little Alliteration’ for $600, Alex.
9:55- Communist China may be destined for the trash heap, Rick, but at the rate things are going, they’ll be thrown on top of us.
9:58- All I heard during that lightning round was ‘brown people, debt, trust’. I’m not even sure what to be afraid of, now.
Well, shoot. The funniest thing I’ve heard all night: David Gergen clearly thrown by the lack of sound in his ear piece.
As I said above, foreign policy and national security are not in my wheelhouse. Thank you to you guys for sticking this one out, as it clearly doesn’t make for the most fun topic of discussion, especially when half the candidates dance around demeaning ‘dirty Muslins’.
