After a brief hiatus, we’re back!
Biz: As the days get shorter and nights get longer, summer gives way to fall, which means we’ve entered cuffing season. It’s the magical time of year when people everywhere decide which summer fling is going to be the best person to Netflix and chill with, as well as generate the most BTUs of body heat for those in northern climates, for the next six months.
My summer was, to put it mildly, a bust. I went on the same meh date more times than I care to consider. They weren’t bad dates, but there wasn’t any spark or chemistry or attraction.
Ghosting, meanwhile, appears to have reached epidemic proportions. I was chatting with a woman back in June who was moving to Chicago. We had great conversations, she promised to text me when she was settled in, and I never heard back. Same thing happened a few weeks ago as well. Talking to a woman, exchange texts, promise to meet up, and then nothing.
The truth is that I’m tired of the bullshit and games. I look around at my friends in happy, stable relationships, and I wonder what made finding love so seemingly easy for them, but remains so elusive for me. I’m intelligent, funny, responsible, handy, progressive, caring, and not some horrible neckbeard bridge troll. That’s not a bad package, and yet I haven’t had a girlfriend in over a decade.
Any good poker player knows when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em. It feels like its time to turn over my cards, cash out, and accept that there just might not be someone out there for me.
Blerg: I’m sorry your dating life turned out to be a bust this summer, but I’m not going to let you throw a pity party for yourself. I might not be in a relationship (well, maybe), but I know that finding love and maintaining that relationship is not easy work. Stop comparing your behind the scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.
That said, I couldn’t really blame you if you wanted to take a step away from actively trying to date people. That doesn’t mean you get to be a hermit and stay inside with Leo. Just take this time to enjoy the things you like to do (outside of the apartment). Maybe you’ll meet some cool people along the way, but most importantly you’ll be taking care of you.
My summer was not as full of ghosts as yours. I had a couple of flings early on, but managed to meet a few guys that actually live here! One was so terribly boring that having enough conversation to get through two beers was like pulling teeth. He seemed geniunely surprised that I didn’t want to continue the date.
Another I met through OKCupid. Though I’ve been signed up with OKC for an embarrassingly long time, this was the first time I actually met up with someone from that site. Though he was more interesting that the first fellow, he has a girlfriend! He said they have an open relationship, but after a while, I got the feeling that was more on her end than his. I went out with him a second time, but decided he wasn’t cute enough or interesting enough to put up with that BS.
And last, but definitely not least, I started seeing a dude who I actually like. (Though I have trouble expressing that sentiment to him directly.) Things are going ok, I think. Over drinks this weekend, a friend of mine brought up a book that talks about people’s romantic attachment style and we’ve determined that I’m an Avoidant. Of course, it makes sense that when he brought up the “what do you want” topic, I naturally clammed up.
I will say that as the calendar turned from September to October and I had to wear long sleeves, I thought “oh man, we’re leaving summer fling territory and entering winter cuddle territory.” It’s a little difficult reconciling the “wanting a boyfriend” thing to actually making that happen when the opportunity presents itself.
Biz: That’s fair. I’m not expecting a proverbial warm cup of cocoa and a participation trophy. I do think you’re right though; I honestly don’t remember the last time I wasn’t doing online dating, so maybe stepping away for a bit would help.
Boring dates are the worst dates. You try and find common ground but there’s just nothing there.
Are open relationships a thing now? I don’t know anyone openly in one, but whatever floats people’s boats I guess.
Defining what you want is the hardest part of dating. It becomes an exercise in needs vs wants. What does the person you’re looking for have to be versus what do you really need? As an example, Free spirits may want a fellow free spirit, but need someone that’s more organized and down to earth.
The step from going out to dating is a tough one. You don’t want to move too fast, but don’t want to waste the opportunity. I read an article earlier about people scheduling regular relationship touch points, just to see how things are going. It’s not a bad idea, and when you’re first starting out saying “Lets see where we’re at in a month or three.” Takes some of the pressure off.
Blerg: For all the crap we give you about living in Lakeview, you’re right in a spot where there are plenty of people your age doing all sorts of funtivities. I have no doubt that you’ll find something that interests you. Even if it’s just the random trivia night out.
Maybe open relationships are a thing? I don’t know. I’m not very good at sharing. I find it sort of fascinating that a person would need to look outside their relationship for additional romantic/sexual/whatever fulfillment.
I spend so much of my life just living for me that the thought of having to consider letting someone else in is kind of strange. I have a wall up and I know it. Thinking about actually letting someone in is scary shit. I realized over the weekend that I accidentally did it with The Olde.
