Biz: For the next topic, I thought we’d talk about the effects of long-term singledom. Thoughts?
Blerg: Hmm… let’s see.
I don’t like to share, but that’s not really an effect of singledom. I’ve never liked to share, just ask my brother.
I haven’t dated anyone since 2012 and I think the worst side effect of that is that I like my time to be my time. If you want to do something and I don’t really want to do it, I’m less flexible with my schedule. I have probably missed out on some fun time with a few Tinder dudes because I’ve become such a curmudgeon.
What about you?
Biz: My last real relationship was 13 years ago and I haven’t gotten laid in five years, so at this point my normal is everyone else’s “Oh my god, how do you LIVE?!?”
The biggest thing I struggle with is the feeling of being unwanted. It’s one thing to be rejected by an individual, but after a while you feel rejected by an entire gender. The lack of physical intimacy disconnects you from a fundamental human experience.
Blerg: Ok, so at some point, you have to stop giving a shit what others think about you. I struggled with it a lot in my mid-20s. Like, what’s so wrong with me that no one wants to date me? Then one night I realized, maybe it’s not in my destiny to end up with someone and I have to be ok with that. In the end, if it’s only me, I want to have lived the best life for myself and been the best companion for myself along the way
Sometimes I think I’m independent to a fault because I do what I want and don’t always remember to think about other people’s feelings. I’m learning to work on that.
Honestly though, if there was a boy in my life that wanted to have a real relationship with me, I don’t think I would know how to handle it. Would it be nice to share my life with someone? I… think so? But I don’t feel any less complete because there’s not someone there now. And I can’t say that I feel disconnected from a “fundamental human experience” because there’s not a man in my bed every night.
Biz: I think it’s a good thing to care what others think about you. If you’re just wandering around, lone wolf-ing it the whole time, that’s a really lonely existence. Relationships, not just romantic but platonic as well, are two way streets. I think the problem is when you care too much, and you don’t have any internal validation. Sometimes it’s good to go against the grain when you know you’re right, but there’s a limit to how far that should go.
It’s the second part of the statement that I struggle with: the idea that I might not eventually end up with someone, and that maybe I’m just too weird to be loved.
I don’t view being in a relationship as “completing” a person; it’s more like extra credit. We are not 100% complete on our own; we have faults, failings, and weaknesses that we just can’t address internally. The best relationships I know are more than the sum of their parts; the people involved are better people on their own in the relationship than they were outside of it.
As for the feeling of being disconnected, I’m not saying anyone should start banging everything that moves. What I am saying is that when you haven’t banged anything for a long time, it chips away at your confidence, which in turn makes it less likely that you’ll be banging someone in the future, which chips away at your confidence even more, and so on until you’re out of confidence and still not getting any. At that point, your chances of connecting with someone of the other gender, at least for guys, goes from slim to none.
Blerg: I agree with you that all relationships are two way streets. If my BFF of 20 years thinks I’ve gone off the deep end, she might be right and her opinion is something I take into serious consideration, but you just can’t bend to everyone else’s will.
You’re only too weird to be loved if YOU think you’re too weird to be loved.
I don’t view being in a relationship as “completing” a person; it’s more like extra credit. We are not 100% complete on our own; we have faults, failings, and weaknesses that we just can’t address internally.
You just contradicted yourself. I feel pretty complete on my own. Anyone I have in my life is there because I want them, not because I need them. If I’m counting on someone else to “fix” my faults and weaknesses, that might create an unhealthy co-dependency. No gracias.
To your last point: Your first problem is that you’re still referring to sex as “banging.” It’s not 1995, you’re not in a fraternity, you’re not a Dude Bro. And sex should not be some form of self-validation. This is why you need to be happy with yourself, by yourself. Don’t get me wrong, sex is great! But I don’t let not having it affect how I feel about myself.
Biz: I think it’s entirely possible to be too weird to be loved, and not think you’re too weird to be loved. Optimism and hope are powerful things that keep us going long after logic and reason would have suggested otherwise. For some people, there are multiple someone’s out there for them. For others, there’s only one, and the chances that they’ll meet are slim.
You “feel” pretty complete, but what does that actually mean? You can’t be a functional member of society without being pretty complete. What I’m saying is that if you have two 90% complete people, the ideal end result of a relationship shouldn’t be 180%, it should be 200%. The whole should be greater than the sum of its parts.
I thought banging was part of the lexicon now. And I was in a fraternity, which meant being a part-time dudebro.
Sex is external validation to internal feelings. Like, “I’m attractive enough to have sex with someone I also find attractive.” When you take that away, it gets replaced with “I’m not attractive enough to have sex with someone I also find attractive.”
Blerg: I pretty much disagree with everything you said, but we could go around and around forever. I’m interested to see what everyone else has to say.
