(Just a reminder for our 4 readers, EN’s recap/thoughts are in plain text and Clarity/MattBlerg’s are in bold.)
I would just like to confess that I am very, very hungover while writing this recap. In contrast to last week, it was ninety degrees in Chicago yesterday and I got excited that it wasn’t snowing, as we Chicagoans are prone to do, and made something I called “West Side Hurricanes.” They contain neither dark rum nor any of the other components of an actual hurricane. I apologize to everyone, including the great people of New Orleans, for bastardizing such an important drink. I will try my best to keep it together. Moving on!
In the “Previously on the Challenge” summary, they really give Jordan the hard “foreshadowing” edit. I didn’t really notice this aspect of last week’s episode but I think he’s going home today.
The episode opens with shots of everyone working out. Prrrrretty sure Aneesa’s squatting with just the bar. How you feel about that, Crossfit Clarity?
I had to go back and look at that. She’s actually doing thrusters. A move where you get the bar up on your shoulders/collar bone, then do a full squat and push the bar above your head. Lather, rinse and repeat for however long you want to work out. I can’t really judge her bar because you can’t see most of it, but even the lightest bar in our gym is 15 lbs. And you can’t tell if she’s got plates on there. If you don’t incorporate this movement in your workout regularly, it’s not easy, especially if you have shoulder problems.
I digress…
Wow, seriously, they are laying on the Jordan crap pretty thick. WE GET IT HE MAY OR MAY NOT GO HOME THIS WEEK.
I hope he gets booted. He is such a hothead and needs to be put in his place. This is only his second challenge. Where does he get off?!
The challenge this week is Piggyback. In two teams of ten, each person is going to climb onto a rope. Once each person is on a rope (having used other people on their ropes to get there), they dismount onto the opposite platform in reverse order. Team with the fastest time wins and chooses two people from the other team to go into elimination; losing team goes into the draw. As we mentioned last week, where are they doing this? SUSPENDED 100 FEET ABOVE WATER. I have a pretty bad headache but you guys DRINK.
This challenge looks ridiculous. I’m pretty sure you’re removed from consideration for these challenges if you’re NOT afraid of water and heights. EVERY person hates these challenges and this is what they get.
Teams:
- Johnny (captain), Theresa, Zach, Cara Maria, Jordan, Jonna, Leroy, Jessica, Swift, Jasmine
- Camila (captain), Bananas, Laurel, CT, Nany, Cohutta, Aneesa, Isaac, Preston*, Devyn
*picked last as always (He would be my first pick for this challenge. Yoga strength!)
This challenge does look difficult. They show Johnny’s team discussing the logistics of the bigger dudes having to climb onto (and step on) some of the smaller women to get across, and since Jordan is on that team and the MTV editors are ham-fisted, I am guessing they are going to lose.
So much upper body and core strength is necessary for this.
Johnny’s team goes first. Cara Maria: “I hate heights. I hate water.” Again I wonder just how stupid these people are, since fully 80% of these challenges involve one or both of those things. Drink!
As Devyn tries to go across, she keeps dropping lower and lower and it starts to look like she won’t be able to hang on. I’m right, and Devyn, consistently a weak link if you need strength (or endurance, or really any kind of physical fitness), drops into the water.
Devyn looks like she would prevail in a makeover challenge.
Jessica drops. “Right now I feel like someone just took a needle to my balloon and just, like, popped it.”
Swift drops. Theresa drops. Zach and Cara Maria get across. Johnny gets across and Jonna drops. It’s kind of a bloodbath, with only 5 players possible to complete. Leroy gets across and then it’s just Jordan. He sort of limply slides down the rope he’s trying to grab, like a worm. “What are you DOING?” his teammates yell. “I didn’t mean to!” he spits back. He can’t pull himself back up, and he drops, leaving his team with 4 players completing the challenge.
I thought he said “I meant to!” and then wrote: What a dumb strategy Jordan.
Camila’s team is up and they definitely benefit from seeing the mistakes the previous team has made. As always when your team goes second. Nany and Aneesa both drop (congrats to Aneesa for trying so hard to justify her not being able to hold on), and Jasmine says she’s afraid of heights and water (DRINK!), and thennnn…Preston slides down his rope and looks like he’s going to drop too.
Sitting in that squat position for so long and having those people walk across you – even 92 lb Jasmine would be difficult. You’re using pretty much all your body strength in that position.
But wait! Preston yells, “Just let me get rid of the gloves!” and strips his damn gloves off to get a better grip on the rope. He PULLS HIMSELF BACK UP, something that no one else has been able to do in this challenge so far, and again, I am bursting with pride and annoyed that Preston keeps getting so much less credit than he deserves. YOU GO GLEN COCO.
Dude – rope burn hurts so much that I thought losing the gloves would be a mistake. You go, Preston.
Bananas, no strength left in his arms, falls between CT and Jasmine, and it looks like teeny-tiny Jasmine is bearing the brunt of his weight. However, perhaps because she’s used to holding onto a pole like it’s her job, she keeps upright and Bananas regains his balance. But then he gets stuck again and falls. That’s so Bananas! All that shit-talking about Jordan and you’re no better, bro.
Bananas just put a big ol’ target on his back. (New rule for the drinking game – any time someone, including us, says “big ol’ target on his/her back” drink. I just realized I say that way too often.)
And of course, he keeps yelling instructions at the rest of his team from shore. “Just dry off!” Cohutta shouts. Heh.
Do as I say, not as I do, apparently.
Ultimately, enough players have dropped that only 5 remain, making this a close game despite their initial success. Jasmine drops, meaning that Preston HAS to complete– and their time has to be faster– in order to win. He makes it across, but doesn’t touch the last two ropes with both hands.
Ropegate! Ropeghazi!
AUGGGGGGGHHHHH WHY DOES THIS SHOW MAKE ME FEEL SO MANY FEEEEELINGS. I was rooting for you, Preston!
Purple team wins. I guess Jordan lives to see another day. Blech.
Back at the house, informal deliberations commence. Cara Maria has waited for this day for a long time– the day she has the power to send Johnny Bananas into elimination. Bad news for Bananas: doesn’t seem like anyone is gonna need much convincing.
Unfortunately, choosing a woman to send in won’t be so easy. Theresa is gunning for Laurel, but that’s Cara Maria’s best friend. Despite the objections of a few, it looks like they might get the votes to send her in. Bananas and Laurel: that would be an INTENSE elimination.
During the actual vote, in an impressive double-cross, once Laurel is leading in votes, Theresa votes for Jasmine. That’s some shady shit.
Super shady.
So Laurel and Bananas are going in. This is gonna be good.
After the vote, Devyn confronts Theresa and accuses her of being “disintegrous” (sic). Devyn says, and I quote, “Hashtag lying!” When you type it out like that, you really understand why you should never, ever use hashtags in your speech.
Devyn, you use that word, but you don’t know what it means. It’s like when people say “conversate.” You just can’t make up a word because you think it sounds right!
Devyn tells Laurel what Theresa did, and I fully support that. While Theresa says she’s “playing her own game,” there was no way in hell Laurel wasn’t going to find out, and she just pissed off a whole bunch more people than she would have if she had just stood by her vote.
Listen, I get that you’re playing your own game, but at that point, why wouldn’t you just keep your vote to yourself? You wanna throw some shade like that, you better be prepared when it gets thrown back at you.
The elimination is “Balls In,” which we’ve seen before. For Bananas, his success is going to depend on who he goes against, but Laurel? Laurel was born for this game.
Isaac draws the kill card to go into the elimination against Bananas.
NOOOOOO!!!!!
AWWWWW. Jasmine draws the kill card. Man, I groaned. Poor frail Jasmine doesn’t deserve to die just for wearing a cliche stripper outfit. She puts her head in her hands after flipping– she knows she should have written her will before she left the house.
Sometimes being smaller is an advantage. This is not one of those times. (Side note: do you think all their stuff fits into those Under Armor bags? Are their clothes that tiny?)
Laurel gently pats Jasmine, who’s already crying, on the back. Like, “I didn’t want it to be this way either.” I’m laughing but this is actually very sweet. Like the scene in “The Hunger Games” where Katniss covers Rue’s body in flowers.
Laurel and Jasmine go first. “This is sad,” Cara Maria says with what I can only describe as a pity grimace on her face. Laurel does not even appear to be out of breath. At one point, she literally shoves Jasmine to the ground by her face, using one hand. Is Laurel 7’6”? Is Jasmine 3’6”? The size differential here is insane.
There’s at least 6” and 40 pounds difference between these two girls.
Needless to say, Laurel wins. TJ congratulates her on her sportsmanship, which I think means “Thank you for not actually dismembering that little girl.”
And Jasmine gives us one last booty shake to remember her by. DRINK. Never change, Jasmine.
Now Bananas and Isaac are up. This is certainly going to be a closer match– both seem to appear stronger than they actually are. Isaac struggles. “I’m like a drunk hobo on sand,” he says. Though it looks harder-fought, Isaac loses 3-1 and is sent home.
DAMNIT! I love me some crazy eyes!
Trash-talking between Jordan and Bananas ensues and continues back at the house. I hate Johnny Bananas– I, for one, would have been happy to see him go. But if Jordan manages to send him home later in the game it will be even sweeter.
Listen, I’m just so annoyed with Jordan right now, that I’d rather see Bananas in the house than Jordan. I hope Bananas gets the chance to take him out.
Next week: Two of my favorite Challenge things: Trivia! And BEING SUSPENDED 100 FEET ABOVE WATER.
I love trivia with these people so much because they are all idiots. I really hope there’s a spelling component next week.
See ya next week!
Image via MTV.
