Some time ago I started browsing in earnest among the sprawling online community of Reddit — which probably has a subforum for any substantial interest you can think of.
I explored the site for quite a while, but concluded that most of the forums seemed either uninspired or else poorly calibrated to my interests. /r/politics was all over the place. /r/davidfosterwallace was skimpy on content. /r/motorcycles was all right, but my personal consumer interest (If I ever buy another cycle, should it be electric?) was too narrow to be addressed directly.
But when I happened upon Reddit’s /r/sex forum (link NSFW), I was amazed. It took me some time to grasp what I was seeing — but to someone who remembers growing up before social media, /r/sex is really one of the marvels of the internet age.
The motto of the /r/sex forum is: “…[F]or civil discussions about all facets of sexuality and sexual relationships.” But that description makes it sound commonplace, almost boring. In fact the forum is an incredibly rare opportunity for anybody to participate in frank, moderated discussions on an almost limitless array of adult topics, from the everyday to the exotic.
What most impresses me about /r/sex is the genuinely earnest, constructive tone of the forum’s discussions. In almost any other place on the internet, attempts to frankly discuss sexuality (even anonymously) tend to devolve into juvenile sniggering, shaming, or outright hate-speak. And /r/sex isn’t immune to those flaws either — but its regulatory structure is unusually good at minimizing those kinds of distractions.
The forum’s first line of defense are its rules. Due to the sensitive nature of the subject matter, considerable emphasis falls on the forum’s written guidelines. You might even call these rules the /r/sex “Code of Conduct” — although they’re drafted much more clearly than other such codes I’m familiar with. Some examples:
- Absolutely no hate-speak, derogatory or disrespectful comments about gender, orientation or any other facet of sexuality will be tolerated.
- Comments that objectify people are not allowed. This includes things such as asking for pictures or comments about how you can show them a good time. People do not come here to be hit on or told that they have turned you on.
- Personal attacks or name-calling of any kind will not be tolerated. It will result in your comment being removed and possibly your account being banned from the sub-reddit.
Another line of defense are the forum moderators. I think they do an excellent job, in part because most of their work consists of guiding the discussion with their contributions rather than laying down the law. Of course the mods are also widely knowledgeable on many subjects, and are able to discuss almost any topic with equanimity.
Another line of defense is the forum’s continually-promoted FAQ (link NSFW), which I think anyone would benefit from reading. This substantial body of advice mostly keeps people from repeating common post topics. But for those who really read the FAQ carefully, I’ll bet it also answers a lot of questions that inexperienced folks (and even some experienced folks) genuinely wonder about.
The forum’s final line of defense is the community itself. Like most subreddits, /r/sex relies on its participants to offer two types of judgments: upvotes, for comments which are especially worthy of attention; and downvotes, for comments which are off-topic, trivial, or otherwise unconstructive. Participants are also regularly reminded to report truly abusive comments to the moderators, who without fanfare delete inappropriate comments and occasionally ban repeat offenders.
This doesn’t sound like an especially complex regulatory structure, does it? In fact it sounds pretty simple — like a regime that any website could put in place, as long as dedicated moderators and upvote/downvote buttons were available. But the community standards which result — respectful, supportive, open-minded — are nevertheless a true marvel to me.
Consider what a phenomenal resource /r/sex is for people who are trying to be better partners. The forum gives you potential access to advice and insight from (now) over 300,000 subscribers; that’s more than the DoctorWho and Apple subreddits combined. (Although it still trails the forum dedicated to Minecraft.) And this resource is especially valuable to straight guys, I think: Our partners frequently expect us to know a lot about female sexuality already, without playing Twenty Questions with each new candidate. Also many of us don’t discuss sex in detail with our male friends. And the competition out there for attracting female attention is just brutal: Being knowledgeable about intimate topics is a good way to distinguish yourself from the crowd.
Another noteworthy aspect of /r/sex is how it manages to gather several kinds of valuable information in one place. The posted questions, for instance, illustrate what kinds of topics people are curious about. (I had no idea that so many guys felt insecure about the size of their equipment until I started reading /r/sex; that isn’t a topic I would ever discuss with friends.) Meanwhile, Reddit’s popularity rankings within each forum show which questions are considered noteworthy by the community. The number of comments on a post can also indicate which topics people tend to have strong opinions about. And finally, the comments themselves are often substantive, honest, and enlightening. On very popular posts you’ll find responses from more people than you could possibly interview by yourself in a lifetime.
With that said, there are definitely some patterns that get mindlessly repeated in many /r/sex discussions. For instance, the two most frequently offered pieces of advice offered by the hivemind are: 1) “You should pose this question to your significant other and not to us”; and 2) “Have you tried therapy?” While these comments might be on-topic, they often add little to the conversation — especially for experienced participants. Also it’s wise to keep in mind who Reddit participants tend to be. /r/sex surely self-selects for people who are tolerant, adventurous, and comfortable with adult themes. But Reddit readers as a whole tend to be more male than the general population, and many are not eager to consider certain kinds of criticism.
But regardless, just imagine what a boon /r/sex is for all kinds of people. A guy who has questions that he’s reluctant to ask his peers. A woman who feels that her sexual interests are outside the mainstream — but she’s unsure how far. Or a hypothetical someone with a fairly vanilla background who’s desperately trying to catch up to a partner’s more advanced kinks.
And there’s one other possibility too. Now, this isn’t a specific reason why I participate on /r/sex: But consider what happens when you repeatedly present yourself online as a guy who can discuss adult topics with honesty, empathy, and occasional insight. What kinds of Private Messages do you think you wind up receiving, from people who read your comments and posts? Do you think some of those PMs might come from women — confident, curious, thoughtful women with a wide variety of experiences and perhaps mild kinks? Do you think these messages might include additional answers to questions you’ve posed, suggestions for other topics to raise — and maybe the occasional Dropbox link or Skype username as well? Well, let’s just agree that it’s possible.
Image via Wikimedia Commons
