This week, everyone has to listen to their mothers.
Or not.
Last week: Bran and the gang learned that Jon is north of the Wall and surrounded by enemies while Meera and Osha came to a truce. Sam and Gilly are in the forest, alone. Jon nearly died while climbing the Wall with the wildings, but made it to the top. Tywin Lannister killed the Tyrell plot to marry Sansa to Loras, and informed Cersei and Tyrion that they will be marrying as well. Speaking of unwanted marriages, Edmure Tully was promised to wed a Frey daughter to make up for Robb’s broken promise. Sansa learned what happens when you don’t take your chances. Theon is still being tortured. Lord Bolton orders Brienne returned to Robb for treason, but tells Jaime he is going back to King’s Landing. Melisandre bought Gendry from the Brotherhood Without Banners, and gave Arya a cryptic message about her future. Ros paid for her betrayal of Littlefinger by being given over to Joffrey and his crossbow.
This week: Robb is going to be late to meet Lord Frey to shore up their impending alliance, but he doesn’t really care because he has a smokin’ hot wife to bang while they wait for the rain to stop. Oh, and all that banging? That put a little bun in the oven, according to Talisa. Robb may have an heir.
Papa Lannister has decided to do the parenting that Cersei has neglected to practice with his grandson, who summons Tywin to the Iron Throne. The posturing is not enough. Why can’t the small council meetings be moved back to the Red Keep, instead of Tywin’s offices? A king who gets to know things and tell people what to do. But he persists; Joffrey want to actually be, like, a king. Tywin walks up the steps to the dais and stands over Joffrey. Joff gets the hint. He can be that king, but only if he’s willing to climb the stairs of the Tower of the Hand and attend the small council meetings. Tywin isn’t putting up with any of his shit. And, importantly, Tywin isn’t scared of Dany and her dragons, while Joffrey is clearly shitting himself over the thought.
Sansa and Margaery get together in the gardens once again for some girl talk. Sansa is still desperately scared now that she is betrothed to Tyrion, and blaming herself for not leaving when she had the chance. Margaery tells her to look on the bright side: though she’ll be married to a man who is twice her age, half her height, and a Lannister to boot, she’ll have the only Lannister husband who will treat her gently. During the course of this conversation, Sansa realizes that she will indeed have to at least attempt to produce an heir. Margaery tells her not to worry because Tyrion is quite experienced and will know how to please a woman. Did your mother tell you all this, Sansa asks. Of course, Margaery says.
Jon and the others make it over the Wall. While Tormund gives Jon tips on how to make the lady squeal, Orell the warg wilding has suddenly decided that he wants Ygritte to be his ladyfriend, in spite of the fact that he just tried to drop her and Jon hundreds of feet to their deaths. He tells Jon that he will never hang on to Ygritte because she knows their wild wilding ways and he doesn’t; then he tries to bring that about by asking her to dump Jon for himself. may know how to kill a deer, but she knows nothing about windmills or castles. And neither does she know the history of wilding invasions of the Seven Kingdoms. Six invasions, six failures. They argue, and they kiss.
The newly victorious khaleesi and her army reach Yunkai, a walled slave city. Jorah doesn’t want her to mess with it, not being overly concerned with the thought of people in chains. But there are slaves, and Dany isn’t leaving until there aren’t slaves. She tells the slavers to come out and surrender, or die as the Astapori slavers did. Yunkai tries something different: here’s some gold, and a few ships. Go away. Dany doesn’t want to play; she demands that all slaves be freed, given money and supplies, and allowed to go as they wish. The Yunkish master sent to deal with them talks tough, but is also scared shitless by the dragons, who Dany lets screech and fight over meat to make them even more pants-shittingly terrifying. He runs off without the gold he offered. Joffrey might actually be right about one thing.
Shae the funny whore is not pleased about Tyrion the obedient son’s new future wife, to which this recapper says well, Shae, what did you expect? This is an annoying temper tantrum. Tyrion offers her a house and everything she wants, but she isn’t happy with that.
Outside King’s Landing in the Blackwater, Melisandre reveals Gendry’s parentage to him. He struggles to believe the claim that he is the bastard of a highborn lord, let alone Robert Baratheon himself. Not only is he Robert’s bastard, he’s probably the only one left in King’s Landing since Joffrey had all his half-brothers and sisters executed by the Goldcloaks.
In the cave, Arya is sulking. Beric tries to get her to talk, but she is not having it. When a Lannister raiding party wanders by and the Brotherhood decides to go fight them, Arya runs away. They lied about Gendry and they lied about taking her straight to Riverrun; she is done with this particular band of outlaws. She runs while they pursue. Suddenly somebody grabs her from behind. It seems the Hound hasn’t wandered far.
The time has come for Jaime to leave Harrenhal for King’s Landing. Since Lord Bolton is going the wedding of Edmure Tully, this means Brienne will be stuck with Locke, the charming fellow who nearly raped her but decided to take Jaime’s hand instead. Once they’re on the road, Jaime learns that Brienne’s ransom of 300 gold dragons has been turned down by Locke because he’s convinced the Lord of Tarth owns all the sapphire mines in Westeros and Lord Selwyn is being stingy. Jaime threatens to tell his father that the soldier in charge of his transport is the one who removed his hand to force him to take the group back to Harrenhal. When they arrive, they find Brienne in a pit with a bear (Bart the Bear (II), Into the Wild), surrounded by a raucous crowd of men enjoying the entertainment. The soldier Jaime threatened with death by Tywin puts an arrow in the bear, giving Jaime and Brienne enough time to be pulled out of the pit, to boos from the soldiers. Jaime threatens Locke; Brienne is going to King’s Landing with them or Locke will have to kill him.
Theon is taking off his torture rack only to be tempted by two ladies, but he is uneasy accepting such a desirable outcome while in the hands of Captain Crazy Pants. But then they proceed to dry hump them, at which time Theon’s protests cease. And then his torturer arrives, talking about how important Theon’s penis must be to him. So he has his minions get a knife and hold Theon down. It’s coming off.
Osha has been reduced to having conversations with Hodor. Bran and Jojen have decided they’re going to the lands beyond the Wall to find the three-eyed raven, to Osha’s intense unhappiness. She wants him to go to Castle Black and find Jon Snow. It turns out her last boyfriend left her—and then came back as a wight, forcing her to burn down their hut to keep him from killing her. But she is no longer calling the shots, that much is clear. While she has been something of a mother to the boys while they cannot fend for themselves, she is losing that position as Bran grows up.
All screen captures taken by the author.
