Time to get serious again, folks! While cleaning out my parent’s first floor after the hurricane I came across some stories I had written. Luckily, the ink on most of them were still visible. The following is one of those stories. I wrote it in the Fall of 2005, towards the end of my battle with an eating disorder. Although I no longer suffer, each day I continue to struggle with it.
With her left hand she grips the porcelain bowl. The right index finger enters her mouth and moves back to the farthest reaches of her throat. She tickles her tonsils and feels the bile rise; almost there. Remove the finger, let the floodgates open and expel dinner. A running shower prevents detection. The bowl a putrid mixture of acid, food and soda. The tomato sauce had been tastier on the way down. Nothing sticks around for long.
She lay in her bed, silent as the pressure builds on her temple, always so much pressure. You must be beautiful. You must be thin. You must be incredibly intelligent and get all A’s, no exception. You must be witty and compassionate. All these things she must be. It’s a wonder she’s yet to self-combust. All the pressure. Always too much. The only way to please is to have the physical features of a model, the mind of a scientist and the compassion of a Buddhist. Anything less and you’re a severe disappointment. Always so much pressure.
Six years since the habit began. Six long, painful, depressed years. A vicious cycle. A road that leads nowhere. Always the same; eat, purge, rot teeth, dentist, promises, failure, begin again. Her once beautiful face—scattered acne and yellowed teeth. A melancholy look always about the pretty blue eyes. The dentist blames the candy she never eats. Parents are oblivious. Not their perfect child! Absurd! Six long, painful, depressed years. Nothing is ever good enough. Perfection—one step forward, two steps back. It becomes so it hurts to smile. A fraud, always. Always so much pressure.
Do your best impression of a beautiful, happy young woman. Careful not to show the hideous teeth. Never reveal your true self. Openness is weakness. Tell them how accepting you are of your mind and body as is. Oh, how enlightened you are! Lie about your feelings. Being honest makes you vulnerable. Paint your face happy and no one will ever know. The pressure on the temple. Wince, then smile. Always so much pressure.
Grip the bowl with both hands. Expel lunch. No need for a finger, it’s not planning on staying. Taste the blood on your tongue? Swallow it. There are no calories. Let those tears fall, sweet child. No harm crying when no one can see you. Relieve the pressure. Relieve the pain. Eat, purge, cry and smile. Control the pressure. Always too much.