It’s time to face some harsh truths. Motorcycles aren’t sexy. They’re noisy, dangerous, and inspire middle-aged men to ride around in tank tops sans helmets. Even The Fonz had trouble maintaining his cool veneer when crashing his motorcycle into a chicken stand.
It’s time to trade out those motorcycles for something better and brighter. To fill the space in your heart where you once parked your hog, here are 5 cycles that put motorcycles to shame:
1. Monocycle
Motorcycles are loner vehicles. Face masked behind a helmet (in most states), the rider is focused inward, and frankly, rather anti-social. In contrast, the monocycle is the Cycle of the People. A large wheel with a seat inside, the rider is much more free to interact with the crowd like the gregarious, likable personal-transit enthusiast that he is.
2. Recycle
Do motorcycles have their own super hero? Probably. But I doubt he could compare to Captain Planet’s global warming-level hotness. (Though Super Motorcycle Man most likely rocks a similar mullet.) While motorcycles give off more greenhouse gas than an SUV, recycling helps reduce our carbon footprint and gives you a feeling of moral superiority.
3. Epicycle
An epicycle is a circle whose center rolls along the circumference of another circle. These create hypocycloids and epicycloids, or in layman’s terms, those kickass shapes you spent hours of joy making with your Spirograph as a child. Epicycles aren’t only for tots; countless adults have used them to make trippy artwork you can admire today.
4. Menstrual Cycle
You are a beautiful flower blossoming into the garden of womanhood. Whereas motorcycles are merely metaphorical appendages, menstrual cycles can have powerful biological significance, like that a young lady may now be ready for babies, horseback riding, and white dress pants. We also have menstrual cycles to thank for the countless painfully coming-of-age scenes on TV. Remember when Blossom got her period and Claire Huxtable came to her in a dream to teach her about Fallopian tubes and cake decorating? Or Seasons 1-7 of Seventh Heaven?
5. CNO Cycle
Motorcycles are tied to the open road and can only go as far as the stretch of pavement in the distance. The CNO cycle expands your limits from interstate to interspace. It’s the thermonuclear reaction high-mass stars use to generate energy. Forget motorcycles; the CNO cycle is helping stars 3 times the size of the Sun shine. And we are all made of stars.
What say you? Are you ready to hop on one of these far superior cycles? Or will you obstinately continue to ride your motorcycle into the horizon?
