Police logs in small town newspapers are usually pretty amusing, but by far the best I’ve encountered is in The East Hampton Star. The Star is an old, family-run newspaper that’s got a mix of stories covering small town Hamptons life, such as it is, as well as more worldly concerns. Whenever I’ve been able to spend time in the area, the first thing I do is pick up a copy of the Star, make a giant pitcher of gin & Frescas, and dive into the local police logs.
I’ve found that the combination of nosy neighbors, bored teenagers, and entitled 1%ers make for a delightful read. Whoever writes the police logs (“Star Staff” is credited) seems like a cross between a wizened old cop who’s seen it all (picture that guy who gave Jerry Seinfeld a lie detector test in the episode where his girlfriend wanted to bust him for watching Melrose Place) and a very deadpan Martha Stewart.
I’ve categorized a few common themes for your enjoyment. It seems some of the Hamptons’ most vulnerable citizens are mailboxes, lawn ornaments, vacant summer homes, and public restrooms.
Lost and Found
A police officer on patrol on Two Mile Hollow Beach on Saturday morning at about 8:30 came across a small black duffel bag containing several adult erotic toys as well as erotic videos. The bag had no identification. It has been placed in lost and found.
On Saturday just after midnight, Diane Vacca of Sagaponack told police that she had gone to Rowdy Hall for dinner, followed by a movie at the cinema, and that somewhere along the way she had lost a diamond-studded earring valued at $15,000, according to the police report. She tried in vain to retrace her steps, but could not find it, the report said.
Crimes Against Lawn Ornaments
Mary Kay Jaroff of Further Lane told police last week that two pineapple stone lawn ornaments had been removed from the property.
An Inkberry Street resident called police Saturday morning to report that someone had stolen a concrete lion from his front porch sometime during the week. He reported a similar theft of a ceramic pot last October. The two items were together valued at $350.
Mailbox Mischief
Someone vandalized Andrew Sykes’s mailbox on Tyrone Drive between Saturday night and Sunday morning, he told police. Police reported that the box appeared to have been smashed with something similar to a baseball bat.
Someone removed a $50 box of Valentine’s Day chocolates from Michael Cohen’s mailbox on Route 114 and Merchant’s Path Monday, along with magazines and bank statements. Mr. Cohen found pieces of the box nearby; the chocolates had been eaten.
Nature
Lisa Noski of Pondview Lane called police on the evening of June 11 to say a doe was trapped in her fenced-in yard. An officer arrived and escorted the animal to freedom.
Police went to a Further Lane house on Sunday afternoon after a caller reported a wild turkey on the loose inside. Officers removed the bird from the residence.
Police received a report on Sunday at 2 p.m. that a seal was in distress near Ocean Avenue. Police found the animal sunning itself on the jetty. No action was taken because it did not seem in trouble.
Uninvited Guests
On the afternoon of April 18, John Hauer of Wainscott Hollow Road reported that at some point between March 7 and that date, someone had smashed in a basement window of his house, slept in an upstairs bedroom, used two of the bathrooms, consumed liquor, damaged two rear garage doors, flattened an outdoor gutter, and gouged tire marks into the front lawn. A landscaper reported seeing a family of five — a mother, father, and three children — on the premises on April 12.
Sean Murphy, who owns a vacant property on West Lake Drive, called police on May 15 to say there had been a sleep-in intruder. An officer found a suitcase with clothing, a backpack, a sleeping bag, and a Go-Pro camera on the premises. On the suitcase was a tag with the name of the owner, who was told he could collect his items at the Montauk police station, where he admitted having previously slept in another vacant West Lake Drive location. He was warned not to enter any more vacant buildings or he would be arrested.
Jeep Tricks
Paula Kessler of Southampton, Catherine Bartlett of Bridgehampton, and April Sygman of Old Stone Highway, Springs, attended a dinner party Friday night on Spring Close Highway, and when they returned to Ms. Bartlett’s unlocked 2008 Jeep Wrangler the next morning, they discovered that their Ross School MacBooks, which had been left in a bag on the back seat, had been taken, along with Ms. Bartlett’s purse, which contained $340 in cash and several bracelets. The total loss was estimated at $2,000. Police are investigating.
After Mathew Foulds of Hedges Lane called police Saturday to report his 1997 Jeep gone from his driveway, he got a call from the Suffolk County Police Department, which had impounded it as an abandoned vehicle. It had been found on a commercial lot in Manorville. Strangely, Mr. Foulds later told town police, the thieves had invested some money in the car, purchasing a cut-down canvas top and a full Jeep cover. The items were inside the car when Mr. Foulds went to pick it up.
False Alarms
An officer responded to a call of a possible burglary at a Pudding Hill Lane house. The man who lives there said he had gone to dinner with his girlfriend and returned home to find his Lenovo laptop computer missing. The investigating officer found the computer on a chair in the house.
Also that day, police got a call from a 100-year-old woman living on Main Street who said she had received a phone call in which she was warned that someone was trying to hack into her computer. When the woman, whose name police did not release, responded that she did not have a computer, the caller hung up.
Pilferings & Vanishings
Glenn Bennett of Oceanview Avenue reported that at some point during the past winter, someone pilfered the license plates off three boat trailers on his property. Police put out a statewide bulletin to be on the lookout for the plates.
Karol Delaisne of South Breeze Drive reported that her black Ellen Tracy handbag containing $200 in cash, a turquoise leather wallet, several credit cards, and all her identification had vanished from her car, which was parked in her driveway on the night of April 3.
Ferraris
A Bull Path woman called police Saturday at noon to report that somebody had vandalized her 2003 Ferrari Spider 360. There was a puncture in a rear tire and scratches on a rear fender.
A man reported to police that a black Ferrari had forced him off the road on Main Street on Feb. 22. Police investigated, but the Ferrari was not found.
Public Indecency
At about 10:30 a.m. on April 4, East Hampton Town police received a report of a man sunbathing in the nude on the beach near the Ocean Beach motel. When officers arrived, however, Elliot Decker of Brooklyn was not only wearing his trunks but told officers they had been on all morning.
Police received a call on June 20 that a man in a Ford Taurus was masturbating in a car parked at Egypt beach. An officer found the car, but the man denied the accusation, saying he had been trimming his fingernails. The officer suggested that in future he might want to trim his nails above the dashboard rather than at lap height.
Someone complained to police about a couple making love on Newtown Lane on Saturday night. Police did not find anyone making love there.
Skateboards
A Beach Lane resident reported Sunday night that her son’s two 22-inch Penny skateboards had been stolen that evening while he was at a beach bonfire. He had left them at the end of Beach Lane. The combined value of the boards was $300.
Caller reported that, while he was walking to work on Pleasant and Devereux streets, a passing student on a skateboard had “dope slapped” him. School had advised him to contact police. (This is actually from The Marblehead Reporter, but I had to include it!)
Vandalism
The restrooms at Maidstone Park were vandalized with graffiti images of a lighthouse and a rabbit, a police report dated Feb. 19 said.
At some point in the latter half of February someone painted graffiti on the door on the west side of the comfort station at Atlantic Avenue Beach, Richard Webb of East Hampton told police. The words “Surf Chicken” were painted on the door along with a picture of a surfboard and a picture of a chicken. Police are investigating, but as of now have no suspects.
Image via Wiki Commons.
