This week on Shahs, we find out what Reza’s real beef with his dad is, MJ hopes to shed unwanted pounds, and GiGi Allin celebrates her parent’s 40th Anniversary by draining their bank account. Will the fundamental balance between asha and druj- order and chaos be held? Will their deeds please Ahura Mazda, or will they continue to find themselves slave to the sway of Angra Maniyu? Will they find their souls purified by the fire pit of their own creation, or be scorched by their own pettiness and vanity? Only one way to know- Jump!
Mom: So, how many more episodes of this do we have to watch?
Me: There’s two more after this one, but they were renewed for another season.
Mom: Good Lord. Oh- look at all the self-help books GiGi has on the shelf. Good for her. I wonder which of the crew they really belong to.
Me: Wow. They look handled and read and dog eared and everything…
Mom: Well, as we discussed last week, even if they are hers- if one can’t feel empathy for others or fear consequences for their actions behavior can’t be modified.
Me: That was all speculative though, right, RIGHT (*wink wink*)??
Mom: Of course, buberig. Speculative.
Me: So she wants to get her parents a car as their anniversary present? From her father’s money? Or from what she’s making from the show?
Mom: Do you really have to ask that question? Oh, Reza, such a backbiter, but I’d be happy, too if I had other plans than that party.
Me: Hold on, I need to correct something, “I don’t do blind dates, but a friend the producers set this up and I have to.” There. That’s better. They’re not even trying to conceal the scripting any more.
Mom: What with the mysterious girl at the party with the raccoon eyes and her “gorgeous gay friend” that she just had to set him up with?
Ha!!!
Me: She names her knives? A 12in Machete named “Africa”? A 9in hunting knife named “Madagascar”. If she didn’t refer to them as “she”, I’d think it was some kind of sick, racist, phallic reference. Okay, butterfly knives are fun.
Mom: I have to wonder if her only sense of pleasure is through violence or threats of violence. The only time I see the girl really smile with her eyes is when she’s talking nasty about others- threatening to fight, or when she’s showing-off her arsenal.
Me: I really wish when she was talking about her childhood ranch that the director and editor would have spliced in a clip of her looking like she was about to tip over and accidentally shoot her foot and Sultani at the range. That would have been perfect.
Mom: Looks like we were worried about Sammy for nothing.
Me: Sammy has a crush on Mohammad! Nice azulejos.
Mom: Yes, that pool room is gorgeous. What is that? Rosewood paneling in the bar? Very nice.
Me: Oh! Another correction, “I’m so blessed to have parents who have given me whatever I needed wanted in life.” Whuh-oh. Looks like daddy and GiGi are about to have a little talk about her finances.
Mom: It’s his fault that her milk teeth never fell out. He rolls his eyes when he jokes that she had a, “Hectic day.” He wants to find her a “prince charming”. If he knew she wasn’t school or work [or life] material, he should have had that marriage planned out when she hit puberty.
Me: Mom!
Mom: What? It’s the truth!
Me and Mom: Ha! She’s eating Sultani!
Mom: Oh, is that so, GiGi? They didn’t push you to work because of your anger issues? Yer-rer… In the old days if you were too mentally unstable to hold a job and not attack your fellow employees you were institutionalized-
Me: Jesus, Mom. Where’s your compassion?
Mom: It’s this girl! Why should I give her any compassion when she doesn’t afford it to anyone else?? She’s just so- GAAAHHHH! Shoonshunvortig!
Mom: So, Reza’s father was a philanderer, and that’s why he has problems talking to his dad? I think his estrangement has more to do with his father moving to Long Island.
Me: Oh, MJ. Don’t let Reza bully you about your weight. If you both are really that concerned about it, why not be gym buddies instead of half-assedly walking those little bratwursts around like that will fix it and going for a colonic?
Mom: Oh, so that’s how GiGi is paying for the car! She’s not- her sister is!
Me: Whoa, look at all that schadenfrüede on her sister’s face. [*shiver*] Her big sister may be the successful businesswoman, but now we know where all that hostility came from.
Mom: Oh, look who walked in. Your husband never watches these with you.
Me: Just in the nick of time. Asa’s about to go show her demo off to a producer. Hey, Justin- what do you think about Asa taking it to a hip hop producer?
[Makes a sour face]
Me: Do you think she should have taken it to some twee little hip kid instead, and be looking at a different market? Oh, no comment? [gives me a look that says,”This is fucking ridiculous.”]
Mom: You know, it’s no worse than half of the Arabic dance music out there. It’s not that bad. Maybe she should look more into the World Music market since she wants to sing in Farsee. Putumayo or something, right?
Me: Aren’t they more into Afropop and Andean pipe music? Whatever, any way, she wants it to be commercial and still be herself. Going to a hip hop producer who only cares about radio-play will not get you there, Asa. Why not actually play some live shows at any of the thousands venues around town before you start shopping demos? That’s how things get done in the real world, and then you can fine-tune your sound and get a following behind you before you work with a producer.
Mom: Saying that a producer will “blow someone up” is such a poor choice of words, if you’re middle-eastern. You know, I think Vida (MJ’s mom) and I would get along swimmingly if she’d dye her hair a more plausible color and wipe off that green eyeliner.
Me: “The kind of mom that eats her young.” Good one Reza. I like that. They’re discussing the colonic. Ha, “A facial has nothing to do with that.” Oh, Vida. That double-entendre will get me by for the rest of the day.
Mom: Why is Reza dressed like Col. Sanders in the confessional?
Me: Oh, can I call him Col. Suleiman for the rest of the episode?
Mom: Meh, that’s a stretch… $2,800 diamond studs? Oh, Sammy, what kind of “hookup” is that? Besides, everyone knows Armenian jewelers are the best jewelers. I bet he doesn’t even make his own settings. Just buys everything wholesale and set up a storefront. Shame. Here, hokis– go to my cousin.
Me: And now for something completely different–
Mom: Ha! Reza, “Do you have any porno mags,” he asks.
Me: Look at him whining and squirming around on that table. Well, at least now we know he’s not a size queen.
Mom: Back to Reza’s house. Are those pictures of himself on the bureau or family members?
Me: I’m betting the former. Oh, it’s Reza’s blind date. Oh, my God look at this kid. Is that one of Seacrest’s rentboys? Seriously “Cheyenne”? Poor Reza, was it 7 boyfriends? That’s probably how many Cheyenne had last night. I’m mean, but this kid is such a kid. Look at him. My eleven-year-old son looks more mature than he does.
Mom: Okay, it’s the party. Mahmood and Fati are her parents. Cute couple. They look good! GiGi! Of course you have to wear the frilliest most ostentatious piece of garbage in your closet! A white tutu with feathers and sequins and sequin silver shoes??? Upstaging your parents at their anniversary party? Haiwani!
Me: Poor Mahmood. The car made him very uncomfortable (I’m sure the reality show context was aiding that). But Fati loves it!
Mom: Oh, look Sultani made it on the show this week.
Me: I need to make a .gif of that DJ spinning off the knob on his “turntable”.
[Justin laughs, and mimes what the DJ just did- “That’s the ultimate DJ move.” *snork*]
Mom: Oh, god forbid, MJ is three hours late? From who? From the woman who took over an hour-and-a-half to make it to Reza’s sit-down birthday dinner? Yours was a casual buffet-style party. It’s implied that people will make it when they can. Gaaaah! This girl. I have half the mind to go haunt her tonight.
Me: Well, to be fair you really are only half a mind right now as it is. Besides, MJ’s hair is telling me she stopped off somewhere for a few drinks before going to the party.
Next week: What is this? Shah’s of Long Island? What’s next- A RHONJ-SoS mash-up? Will Reza and Baba reconcile? How does GiGi prefer her Sultani? Hot and bothered or with Turkish-style hot sauce and Yalanchi?
