…by the Real Buster the Cat
There’s been some furry asshole running around here pretending to be me, which is, like way uncool. There can only be one Buster. Believe not in false Busters, ya’ll! The only thing I care about is Pounce treats and belly love and ear scratchings and toys.
So, to make up for all the lies you have been told about me, let me help you find the perfect presents for the cats in your life this holiday season!
Yes, we cats do expect toys. As you may or may not know, Santa Kitty travels the world on Catmas Eve and brings toys to all the good cats in the world. That Santa Paws shit is total bullshit and completely pro-dog and anti-cat.
Wonderfully enough, CATMAS and CHRISTMAS fall on the same day!
Here are some ideas to get you started.
Catnip produce.
This is awesome. I have a catnip carrot, a catnip lemon, a catnip banana, a catnip apple, a catnip rainbow, a catnip cigar…the latter two are not produce, but after all that catnip who gives a shit? I totally smell like Willie Nelson.
A bird.
Go to your local Petsmart or whatever, buy a cheap Parakeet, and set him free in your home on Catmas morning. I am not so much a hunter. But my sister, Little Miss Amelia, who loves to kill, would have the best Catmas ever! I would lay down some newspaper first over your fine carpeting and furniture to, you know, soak up any bird poo and blood.
Cat wigs.
We cats like to role play, especially after hitting the catnip rainbow, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Cat sweaters.
Your feline companion, too, can look as awesome as Jackson the (formerly) Homeless Cat, even though I still think he’s an asshole for still having testicles. Because everybody knows the in thing is to not have testicles.
Paper Bags and Boxes.
I, personally, find very little more exciting than a paper bag or a box. The Mama-Kitty opens the cabinet where she keeps paper bags, crinkles it, and I come a runnin’. She lays it out on the floor and kind of waves it at me, like a bullfighter waves a flag at a bull, and I run in and I stay there for hours. Then, while she’s a asleep, I shred it, so she wakes up to a hallway full of brown confetti.
Kitty Turntable.
It’s like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how Buster keeps from going under.
Bacon.
You know The Buster loves bacon. A giant stocking full of bacon would make my furry Catmas.
