To quote GQ, “For every Steve Jobs and every Warren Buffett, there’s an equal and opposite nitwit who spent 2011 devouring attention and contributing nothing to productive society. We salute the great artisans of utter uselessness with the one celebratory year-end list you don’t want to be on.”
It is a rather eclectic list, I might add. Here are a couple highlights.
At number one is my buddy Tim Pawlenty, a man who is probably kicking himself for getting out of this race too early. As GQ puts it, “The $1million he spent to lose in the Iowa straw poll might as well have been burned in front of a group of orphans.
At number two was Princess Beatrice, in large part, because she looks like a “raccoon with vagina hat.” Not sure there are too many guys who want to yodel in that canyon
At three is Ed Schultz who apparently hosts The Ed Show on MSNBC. GQ claims that the only reason anyone watches Ed on television is that they are too lazy to change the channel at the health club. He is so useless that he didn’t get notoriety for calling Laura Ingraham a ‘right-wing slut” and getting suspended for it.
At number seven is Amy Chua. the Tiger Mother. Her book did “nothing to counter the shallow stereotype that Chinese parents are as emotionally accessible as a pair of boulders.” Many are now proud of their lazy parenting just so they aren’t like this bitch.
At eight is former Tiger Wood’s caddy Steve Williams because he gave Tiger shit when his new boss won a tournament, “Obviously it is well documented I’ve won 145 golf tournaments.” GQ put it nicely by stating, you “are a man that makes a living by carrying another man’s golf bag…. YOU WON NOTHING, YOU BAG APE.”
At eleven is Harold Camping the Family Radio president who keeps predicting the Apocalypse and we’ve yet to see Satan. “Your arbitrary declarations about the coming of End Times now serve only one purpose: providing hipsters with a chance to make ironic jokes about the end of the world on Twitter.”
At thirteen, we have Jeff Ashton the prosecutor of the Casey Anthony case. He is referred to as “the Marcia Clark of 2011.” He is writing a book to prove how inept he really was.
At fourteen is Conan the Barbarian, “for plowing the help” along with his quote in the decades old movie Pumping Iron, “I am cumming day and night.” I would add, just not always with your wife.
At sixteen, Gwyneth Paltrow. Really no need to elaborate here. Her best and most likable moment is pictured here. It has been downhill since.
At ninteen is Marcus Bachmann because “the entire areal of “reparative therapy” is fundamentally absent of influence, since making a gay person not gay isn’t possible.”
At twenty four is John Boehner because he is a “politician who was elected specifically not to give a shit.”
The big bottom of our list is Barack Obama, despite authorizing the raid that killed Osama bin Laden. “This is a man who should be the most transformation figure of the century. Hell, he promised to be that. Instead he wields all the power of a substitute teacher at night school.”
