Most messages received on OkCupid rarely go beyond the inane, but there are those that so violently violate the laws of space, time, and reason that the beg to be shared. These are their stories.
OkCupid is a scary place – you have to contend with hipsters, sad old men, and people you suspect are suffering from a thought disorder. It’s this last group that usually sends the most hilarious (and often terrifying) messages to my inbox.
I posted this message on a recent open thread, but it’s too excellent an example of florid psychosis not to share once more:
The desire to know more about you is almost unbearable. I’m stammering around the keyboard typing, deleting, and retyping in an almost school-boy giddiness. Asking me why, curious I am, myself, can not explain it. I feel sheepish… I moved here from CO and am poetically revolted against, the spit fire that lives by the code of night, swaying the crowd like a conductor to an orchestra with smooth words and a look…and now here I am, lying still, but with an inward beast of electricity nipping at the tips of my fingers, restless, wanting adventure. I prefer the mystery and pondering of all the possibilities. Am fairly random and spontaneous and seeking the companionship of other friends, lovers, muses road trip partners or someone to explore a new restaurant bar,..
Care to tell me what are the little things in life that you enjoy? Tell me your favorite color, smell and time of the day? I have tons of Qs to ask you but I shall wait until I hear from you
Have a splendid day.
Forever a student of psychology, I could not stop myself from checking out his profile – it’s not often you get a chance to observe someone who is probably moments away from manifesting as a full-blown schizophrenic in the wild. His complete profile is far too long to include here (and God forbid he somehow finds us), so I will offer you the best parts. Absolutely no changes have been made to his original text.
I know that all your ex-boyfriends are the perfect man. I will be that crazy sleezebageth who will practically ruin your life and then marry some successful ‘****’ leaving you to troll local college bars in search of no-strings-attached ass while enjoying quiet weekends at home with my new in-laws in dALLAS or Denver. I know I will be that selfish,**** I assure you. I can. I’ll be such a raving lunatic nutcase. You won’t even remember anyone else whem I’m through with you. Try me.
He continues on about ‘our’ hypothetical first meeting (spoiler alert: cunnilingus is involved), before unleashing with the terrifying story of how he will stalk me and come attack me at my apartment if I ever cheat on him:
You are cheating on me! To confirm my suspicions, I will immediately log into all your personal accounts – since you are so technologically oblivious you left your passwords saved on my computer – and find a message to be mad about. It will likely be a harmless flirtation from a platonic friend who lives six states away that pushes you over the edge. Unable to reach you – I will scramble into the car and drive barefoot to, Your apartment where I will ride up on the curb knocking over an unsuspecting potted plant. The commotion outside will rouse you from your slumber and you’ll stumble bleary- eyed to the window just in time to see me throw the car in reverse and plow into your beloved Huyndai Elantra. In short order, the police will come, you will cry, I will shout, your landlord will evict you and your insurance company will drop you. On the bright side, our names will be forever emblazoned together onto a county police report. Despite all this, it will take another several months for you to come to your senses and break-up with me. Knowing that I am a ticking bomb, you will execute this in the kindest, most reasonable way possible. You will make every effort to lift my spirits by explaning that “It’s not you, it’s me.” and that “I deserve someone better.”
Sadly, none of his profile pictures include a direct shot of his face – the most I could glean from his pictures (a combination of frighteningly bad self-portraits and photographs of him in doorways with his back to the camera) is he has Kenny G hair, and is probably an ax murderer.
So that’s the scariest letter I have received in a long time. As always, please feel free to share you horrifying letters in the comments!
