Hello, friends. As you might have guessed, I am still mourning the loss of Nelson Paz. Please join me in a moment of silence as we (I) try to come to grips with this crushing defeat. In the dark days that followed last week’s episode, I did much soul-searching. I had so many questions. How could Nelson–handsome, lovely, tan and taut, thickly accented, talented pastry sex wizard Nelson–be kicked off while Beaker–incompetent, frantic, grating, pasty, novice sugar tinkerer Beaker–remain to compete another week? How could this be? How could the judges boot Nelson when Angry Montel only made an ugly floral arrangement and scattered some rose petals? Is there no justice in this world? How would I continue to watch Just Desserts without the promise of ogling an imaginary sweetheart each week? Somehow (there may have been vodka and pornography involved), somehow I managed to pick up the pieces, and I am ready to make cruel comments about the remaining pastry gnomes once again. Join me, friends, as we continue to chart the battle of Mads vs. Gays, a battle certain to end in a swirling funnel of blood, glitter, scraps of modeling chocolate and tooth fragments.
Yes, it’s all Willy Wonka tonight. Bravo execs found some of the original cast members at an OTB parlor–they were picking through the trash for possible discarded winning slips. Producers then dangled $50 dollar bills on fishing line and lured the cast members to Bravo HQ. Either that or it’s the 40th anniversary of the film’s release, and just like every episode of every Bravo property, the show must do double duty cross-promotional adverlingus. Shill or get off the pot, amirite?
Since grouping the gnomes into teams has been such good way to manufacture drama thus far, this week they’ll all be working together in one big group. This should end well. Angry Montel will be angry:
Beaker will attempt to make (what I think is supposed to be) an enormous gummy bear, and that’s sort of what it looks like…if the gummy bear had spent the afternoon in Death Valley:
Again, I must ask: Why is Beaker still here, but my imaginary husband is gone? Why, Beaker, why??
I must remain optimistic that tonight is the night that Johnny Iuzzini says “Enough is enough!” and publicly humiliates Beaker before sending him packing.
And just because I’m the one driving this train, a parting glance at my sweetie:
Okay, babes. Are you ready? Pour yourself a double, and get an extra piece of grief bacon because it is time to get it on.
Mourning dress pic via
