Monday Morning Headlines

Visit for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Thank God.  Our long national crisis that actually never happened is over, and at last the media can move on to panicking you about some other bullshit. Let’s see. So far this summer, we’ve done…fiscal shenanigans, murdering mothers going free, beach-themed serial killers….I think some sort of national health crisis is next on our bullshit panic list. I mean, yes, we did have the killer sprouts in Germany, but who gives a shit about Germany?
  • Deal-o-rama!
  • I wonder how much Florida Governor Rick Scott’s cowboy boots, ’embossed with the state seal‘, as described by the New York Times, cost. Then I wonder if he knows how much a typical uninsured-yet-works-full-time epileptic in his state pays for her monthly medication. Health insurance is so stupid, ya’ll.
  • Oh, hold up a second. I’ll pay for those anti-seizures with my lottery winnins.
  • This is kind of assholey, isn’t it? But I suppose GM needed the money.
  • Joplin says it will start school on time.
  • ComEd says it’s performance is ‘reliable’ and ‘strong’. PR: You are doing it wrong. Of course, I say this as someone who enjoyed the Great Queens Blackout of 2006 (ELEVEN DAYS! EVELEN DAYS! In heat that was in the mid-nineties! I had just gone to COSTCO!) and now hates electric companies more than I hate the fucking Yankees.
  • Fair and balanced.
  • I miss the Massachusetts State Police. Most of them were good peeps, and they have the best uniforms of all the staties in the country. And they deliver babies!
  • This girl is awesome. You can never have too many monkeys.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *