I dreamed Judge Judy Sheindlin and I were driving in my grandmother’s green sedan, smoking my grandmother’s Tarryton 100s. Judge Judy told me she liked me so much, I could never appear before her in court, because she wouldn’t be fair. Judge Judy just wanted me to know.
Judge Judy went on the air in 1996, not long after profiles about her hard-nosed family court style appeared in the LA Times and on 60 Minutes. Judge Judy scared the shit out of everyone in family court in New York. She didn’t care who you were. She was infamous for ripping people to shreds — lawyers, experts, litigants. Judge Judy didn’t discriminate.
People are somewhat taken aback when I tell them I DVR Judge Judy every afternoon, and start my morning with my favorite bad-ass over coffee. I suppose it’s because I cultivate an image of someone who loves The New York Times and Jonathan Letham and Archer and Mad Men. Oh, C’mon, they say. Judge Judy?
Don’t disrespect Judge Judy, I say. Look at her work. Look at her back the little brats in their tube tops and cargo shorts and flip flops into a corner. She’s fucking brilliant. She oh-so-patiently doles out the rope and waits for the creaking of the beams as the bodies swing. She creates an aura of intimidation to which I can only aspire. You know in her head she’s not saying ‘Baloney.’ She’s saying Bullshit.
Judge Judy also doesn’t let anyone walk on her. As a woman with an anxiety disorder — Judge Judy is my Queen. She says what I want to say. She stares down her prey like a hawk. Judge Judy especially appears to enjoy ripping people apart who don’t bother to dress properly for court. Young women of America: tube tops are rarely appropriate in any situation, let alone in court, even a TV court. Judge Judy always dresses appropriately, managing to be herself above that anonymous black robe. Judge Judy has always worn her pretty lace collar. Her diamond studs have grown bigger and rounder and more sparkly with her salary. Judge Judy’s hair is a masterpiece. It doesn’t move. How much Aqua-Net do you think Judge Judy goes through in a week? When she sheds the robe, and goes out in public, Judge Judy is like a caterpillar whose becomes a butterfly. Orange and pinks! You know Judge Judy knows how have a few glasses of a wine and have fun. Thing is, Judge Judy doesn’t allow that wine to affect her to such a point that she torches her trailer and has her children taken away and then is sued by her ex-husband for return of child support.
I love the variety of Judge Judy. A recent episode involves JJ’s specialty — child custody — as well as drunks, people sponging off their children’s disability payments, light aircraft, and a pea farm. There are episodes involving people who get into bar fights and then drive home and then sue because they crash their friend’s car. Super-tattooed Brooklyn bike messengers. People who hit deer with their friend’s car and then think they’re even-steven because they skinned and butchered said roadkill deer and gave their friend venison steaks. Nothing is off-limits.
I scare my husband while I’m watching Judge Judy. “Fuck yeah!” I yell, when Judge Judy drives the stake into a fool’s heart. Or, ‘Oh, SNAP!” when Judge Judy has backed a flip-flop wearing fool into a flip flopping corner. It’s just TV, my husband says to me. No it’s not, I respond. It’s Judge Judy.
