My brother likes to tell me that I am dangerous when I am bored. So did my parents. And insane. I get that one a lot. One good thing that comes from this, besides repainting a bathroom, is hours of internal head time where I go deep into fantasy land and imagine either an alternate history to things in my past or imagineering career paths for a large swath of my favorite celebrities.
These are the three albums that I am willing to wait a lifetime for:
Lady Gaga’s Star Wars concept album. Love her or hate her, Lady Gaga rules the airwaves these days in a way that channels the spirit of that patron saint of pop music, Madonna. Constantly reiventing herself, Gaga maybe needs some ideas for her next album. I have it right here. She needs to write and release a three disc concept album based around the original trilogy of films. Imagine a 36 song dance record that centers entirely aroung Star Wars. I can. The videos alone would be worth this album. Here’s the treatment I’m thinking for the first video from the first disc for the song I am imagining would be called something like Tattoine or Hope: A door opens, a crying teenage gender warrior androgofemme teenager comes in, slams the door and throws themselves on the bed. Picks up an Ipad (product placement is the only way these videos will get paid for, trust me), pulls up Gaga’s video for this song and says,’Help me Lady Gaga, you’re my only hope.’
Then it’s on. Gaga would play all of the major characters like Leia, C3PO, Luke, etc. Dance numbers and costumes by Theirry Mugler, Jean Paul Gaultier, and Hauss of Gaga will inspire the best of costumes for the Halloween parties that year. Most importantly, Lady Gaga will have succeeded in bringing millions of new fans to the good George Lucas movies. We’re going to skip those last three, Mr. Lucas. And the video will have to premier at San Diego Comic Con. The fight that will break out between the nerds of Comic Con and Gaga’s army claw handed monsters will be the epic show down of a lifetime.
Next up is the vehicle for Britney Spears’ reintroduction to the world of feature length film. The void left in our lives when there was no follow up to Crossroads can now be crammed full of the new Britney and her outlook on life. I give you a remake of the movie Protocol, yes the movie where Goldie Hawn dressed as an emu, stopped an emir from getting shot, and then was basically sold into white slavery by the US Government while hilarity ensued.
This can happen. Britney can shine in this role. Shine. Instead of a dancer dressed as an emu, she’ll be stripper. C’mon she hasn’t been that far off from one since she got back from crazy town. She’ll become a deputy protocol person, get shipped to Jordan and fall in love with one of King Abdullah and Queen Rania’s older sons. There will be some sort of misunderstanding, she’ll come back to the US crushed, he’ll follow her back and boom giant marriage. The movie will end with her next break out single ‘Call To Prayer’ a dance track that samples traditional Arabic music with deep house beats.
Finally, what I really want to see, and I know you do as well is the release of what starts out as a garage band and becomes one of the best selling acts of all time : Shiloh and the Jolie-Pitts. 18 year old Shiloh and her pack of brothers and sisters form a band and record what will be the best tell all piece of work about their parents ever written.
The music itself will be a love letter to glam rock and the female rock genre, specifically early Joan Jett, Stevie Nicks, and Ann and Nancy Wilson of Hart. The band will be managed by Maddox, tours will be coordinated by Pax, all the videos will be art directed by Zahara as part of her senior thesis project for art school who will channel those glorious early 80s videos like Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like A Wolf”. Their performing costumes will be provided by Marc Jacobs and Karl Lagerfeld. Break out singles to include: ‘Its 4:20, Do You Know Where Dad Is?’, ‘Can We Just Stay Home?’, and ‘Mommy Throws Knives and Drinks Daddy’s Blood?’.
Are there any fantasy albums you’d like to see happen?