Oh, sure, Daffy and Donald may have more fans but they’re not real. They don’t connect with their populace the way BaQuack Obama does.
I met BaQuack in the spring of 2007, at Flushing Meadows Corona Park in Queens. He is, truly, magnificent. He’s big for a mallard, towering above his fellow ducks with a neck that sways with the grace of swan’s, and an orange beak that shines in the sun like oiled teak. BaQuack’s most striking physical asset, however, is his white chest, unexpected on a mallard. It puffs in front of him as he swims through Meadow Lake, leading the way, like a mermaid carved into the front of a ship.
BaQuack didn’t just appeal to me. Other ducks follow him around. He got out of the water, stepping onto the shore to spread his wings and dry his feathers, and a crowd followed. BaQuack snuggled in the reeds by the shore to nap in the hot sun, and a duck pajama party ensued. BaQuack set sail in the water to dive for reeds, and he found himself with plenty of company. It became obvious that I was dealing the Duly Elected Leader of All Ducks — BaQuack Obama.
A Facebook page was started by BaQuack, with the help of a woman who has too much time to ride a bike around Flushing Meadows and talk to ducks. BaQuack began posting regularly, discussing issues of importance to Ducks, such as how to make to a fine gin and tonic, or how delicious mini-bagels are. There were more important issues, too. Duck Nation has long been at war with the Gulls, who are the Pyongyang of waterfowl. BaQuack picked up a few friends here and there, nothing extraordinary. Then BaQuack picked a friend in California. And North Dakota. BaQuack bounced across the pond, and continues to rapidly spread through the pubs of Galway. BaQuack has a friend in Iceland. BaQuack gets invited to way more parties than I do.
BaQuack formed an Army, The Quintessential Army of Crack Killers, otherwise known as Q.U.A.C.K. Q.U.A.C.K’s most pressing issue right now is taking out a rogue duck who’s been selling information classified by Duck Nation to the Gulls. That rogue duck’s name is Quackdaffi.
Lest you think BaQuack is only a duck of war — know of BaQuack’s work to make life easier for waterfowl. BaQuack will soon open for the season the Duck Cooling Center in the reeds under the footbridge, where ducks can gather for ice tea, fresh reeds, toasted dragonflies, and mini-bagels in a refreshing environment. Musical guests often stop by, including BaQuack’s dear friend Lady Gaga, whom BaQuack met when he woke up in her lap after a night of drinking. Gaga gave BaQuack her famous bejeweled lobster tiara.
It’s interesting how often BaQuack pops up when I’m traveling. He shows up in Boston, where he enjoys roosting on the sails of the USS Constitution in Boston, visiting members of Duck Nation in the harbor. A recent visit to La Jolla, California, found BaQuack paying his respects to Santana, the Sultan of Sea Lions. And, of course, BaQuack often visits the White House, to ensure the rights of Duck Nation are protected. With 727 FOBs (Friends of BaQuack) on three continents, BaQuack is a busy mallard.
You may have seen BaQuack, and not known it. BaQuack will often venture out among humans, wearing a trench coat, fedora, and dark glasses. He nestles at the bar, nursing a martini, celebrating in his own way the conditions that make us all members of Earth Nation.
Or maybe I’m someone who is in desperate need of full-time work so I don’t spend my time talking to ducks.
