Special thanks to Missing Piece for warning us about the End Times.
For years we have been inundated by predictions regarding the end of the world. In light of that, and our impending 2012 crisis, which has been disproven, proven, and disproven again, except to the guy who stands outside the Planned Parenthood downtown with his sandwich board advertising the end of the world will come about because of abortion. That guy’s just going to believe whatever he wants.
In any case, here is a smattering of some apocalyptic predictions through the ages. There are more, so many more that one could write a novel on this topic, but since this is the internet, and I’m not a writer, this is what you get.
Mormon Armageddon, 1891 or earlier:
Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon Church, called a meeting of his church leaders in February 1835 to tell them that he had spoken to God recently, and during their conversation he learned that Jesus would return within the next 56 years, after which the End Times would begin promptly.
One day while he was praying, he heard a voice, which I’ve heard happened at several convenient times to him. He recorded this voice in Doctrines and Covenants section 130:
14: “I was once praying very earnestly to know the time of the coming of the Son of Man, when I heard a voice repeat the following:”
15: “Joseph, my son, if thou livest until thou art eighty-five years old, thou shalt see the face of the Son of Man; therefore let this suffice, and trouble me no more on this matter.”
16: “I was left thus, without being able to decide whether this coming referred to the beginning of the millennium or to some previous appearing, or whether I should die and thus see his face.”
17: “I believe the coming of the Son of Man will not be any sooner than that time.”
So what seems to have happened is he decided to keep people’s attention and more money coming into the church, he’d come up with this prophecy from a voice only he heard. I guess that’s a privilege of being a prophet, right?
So he told his people that he was told if he lived approximately 36 years past the average male life expectancy for that time, he was going to see Jesus and possibly his pet dinosaur and the world would go kablooey, or however he thought it would end. He seems to have left that part out, but was also told not to ask any questions, unless if he was planning on running out to Starbucks, in which case the voice would take a latte, thank you.
The year in which he made these allegations is not recorded. However, one commentator suggested 1832 or earlier. Smith, to make sure everyone was super clear on the message, reiterated:
“I prophesy in the name of the Lord God, and let it be written–the Son of Man will not come in the clouds of heaven till I am eighty-five years old.”
So basically, he was making a prediction that was unlikely to come true, as a male born even as recently as 100 years ago had an average life expectancy of 49ish, but I guess it kept people paying attention.
Smith wouldn’t have been 85 until 1890. However, he had been dead for almost 50 years at that point, having been assassinated by a mob, which I would make a joke about, but that really pretty much sucks.
You know, now that I think about it, he was only 35 and he started an internationally recognized religion. I may mock him, but I sort of wish I had the kind of crazy to pull that off.
So, assuming Smith was telling the truth and never made it to 85, I’m guessing the Mormons think it will never happen? I’m not sure what the trending theory is with them, and there are several sects of Mormonism, and I enjoy sleep, so I’m making the executive decision to admit my ignorance here and if anyone else knows, please share in the comments.
James Harmston: c.1990s
Speaking of the Mormons and their ilk, a former real-estate agent at the age of 58, one James Harmston of Manti Utah, claimed he was ordained by Moses himself in November 1990, and is the reincarnation of the aforementioned Joseph Smith, Isaiah, King Arthur, and after a viewing of “Braveheart”, remembered he had also been William Wallace. This guy’s soul sure gets around.
He and his wife immediately established the “True and Living Church of Jesus Christ of Saints of the Last Days”, or TLCJCSLD, for short (not factual). Anyway, this TLCJCSLD church gained hundreds of followers, then many more when they discovered the internets and started a fancy-pants website. I wonder if it was built with Geocities – did you know Geocities is only available in Japan now? I know, right? Anyway, this old soul went ahead and married a bunch of women at once, making Bill Henrickson look downright boring by comparison.
Mr. Harmston-Smith-Isaiah-Arthur-Wallace once predicted that Jesus would come to Manti on March 25, 2000. So, being the rational, well-reasoned people his followers were, they maxed out several credit cards on food and various tableware. The theory was Jesus was going to help them cleanse the Mormon temple in Manti and feast together on the 3rd floor. Well, Jesus didn’t show, so I can only guess he’s not a fan of picking up the Windex. I can’t say I blame him even though window cleaning is the easiest type of cleaning ever, other than loading the dishwasher, but he’s Jesus, so if he doesn’t want to do windows, I’m pretty sure he can get away with it.
Pat Robertson: 1982
Speaking of whackadoos; a certain televangelist and current MSNBC commentator, Pat Robertson, informed his “700 Club” TV audience that he knew when the end of the world would occur. He guaranteed he knew when the world was going to end; 1982. You know what happened in 1982? The first emoticons ever were posted by a guy named Scott Fahlman. Mr. Fahlman worked at Carnegie Mellon University (and still does), and as far as I know has never predicted the end of the world, so here’s his Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Fahlman
For the record, the OG used 🙂 and :-(, so if you want to stay old school with your emoticons, you know what to do.
Oh, also, Robertson said, “I guarantee you by the end of 1982 there is going to be a judgment on the world”. Which may or may not have happened, but we’re still here, so maybe the judgment was something like, “Hey, these people need a way to send mail electronically, let’s help them figure it out”, but I don’t know.
Some Astronomer: 1881 & 1910
In 1881, an astronomer discovered that comet tails contain a gas calledcyanogen (related to cyanide, if you were wondering). At the time, everyone was all, “Hmm, that’s interesting space boy, now I’m off to the factory to get some real work done, and hopefully not lose a hand in the process.”
Then about 30 years later, Astronomer Space Boy’s discovery didn’t seem so irrelevant, as someone had come to the conclusion that when Halley’s Comet passed by the earth in 1910, the Earth would pass through its toxic tail. Well, I’ll cut them some slack because if you know very little about astronomical phenomenon, a swath of toxic gas enveloping the Earth does seem a bit frightening. Especially when the New York Times and other papers were reporting on it and people were panicking, so I can only imagine everyone was incredibly relieved when the 24-million-mile-long comet tail, which took 6 hours to pass through the earth, allowed the human race to survive. Even though it turns out the tail does not contain toxic gas. *sad trombone* At least the NYT probably made out pretty well in this debacle.
On a side note, here’s a prediction that actually did come true. In 1909, Mark Twain predicted that he would die when Halley’s Comet passed the earth. The comet was detected by observatory telescopes on April 9, and reached perihelion http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perihelion. Mark Twain passed away the next day.
Heaven’s Gate Cult: 1997
Speaking of comets and this time, crazy people, the Halle-Bopp comet was due to make an appearance in 1997, and a host of a paranormal radio show by the name of Art Bell claimed and alien spacecraft was following the comet, and NASA was staging a massive cover-up so good that it could even fool anyone with a decent telescope.
Mr. Bell’s claim inspired the Heaven’s Gate cult of San Diego, CA to conclude the earth would end soon. The Heaven’s Gate cult was founded by Marshall Applewhite and his nurse, Bonnie Nettles, who believed they were “The Two” as in the two witnessed referenced in the Book Of Revelations, 11:3 in the Bible. Upon looking up this verse, being The Two is kind of a big deal. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2011:1-12&version=KJV
Marshall believed he was directly related to Jesus, which gave him, “Evolutionary Kingdom Level Above Human” status. I actually think vampires have that, but I can’t be sure. So the Heaven’s gate cult, hearing the word of Art Bell, decided that the world was soon to be “wiped clean” (again with the cleaning!), and the only way to survive was to escape. In other words: suicide in uniform.
This group could warrant it’s own article, so I’ll stop here, but basically they decided to catch the nearest passing spaceship and we went on with our earthly lives.
Y2K Crisis:
So because computer creators didn’t think to put the option of having any numbers in their calendars that went past 1999, people went batshit somewhere in the early to mid 90s, insisting something, somewhere was going to go astronomically wrong. Airplanes would fall from the sky, cities would lose their power, everyone’s bank account would be wiped out – the possibilities were endless! Some ridiculous hysteria ensued, however January 1st, 2000 rolled around and nothing happened. I have to say, for years of hype, I was kind of hoping for the lights to flicker or something.
However, the bar I was in was still serving drinks, my measly amount of college student money remained in my bank account, and nuclear bombs didn’t spontaneously go off. Crisis: Averted.
So there is your guide to the End Times, at least so far. The next time the world ends is only a month away. You’d better start getting ready.
