This is not a blog.
No. This is the Hall of Justice, my friends.
Many of you do not know this, but I spend the hours I am not chained to a microphone as a mild-mannered reporter in the pursuit of justice. Specifically, I am the Traffic Avenger. I seek to bring a kind of cool equilibrium to the travels of the American Public. I snap the necks of those who do not use turn signals and those who use high beams on crowded roads and those who tailgate. If it’s your first offense, I may merely smash your windshield and flip your car over.
I break the fingers of those who text and walk on crowded sidewalks while never looking up to see who they’re mowing down. I chain children who think a busy midown sidewalk is their personal scooter area to lampposts just out their parents’ reach. People who walk four abreast or stop dead in the middle of a crowd to take a call or check the sidewalk map are stripped naked, their clothes cast into moving taxi.
Sometimes I fly off — did I mention I can fly? –to subway stations, where I decend in a really cool dramatic way, with my cape flowing above me, to the platform. Riders who block doors find out what it’s like to ride through the tunnels with their heads jammed in the doors. People who do not get up for elderly, disabled, or pregnant quickly find out what it’s like to temporarily disabled themselves. People who eat overly aromatic foodstuffs on subway cars are whisked away to the center of the dark tunnels, where they must feel their way out and perhaps eat a rat if the journey gets too strenuous.
I cannot do it alone.
Tell me your Superpower. Together, we shall save humankind.
