Five Coolest Things You Get To Do After Winning The Revolution

Thousands of peace-loving, courageous and ultimately victorious Egyptian protestors have left the city’s squares and streets to go back home and refuel on traditional Egyptian meals like koushari and Kentucky Fried Chicken. As they eat, bathe and especially brush those their revolutionary teeth, it’s time for them to think about what comes next. To the victor goes the spoils, they say, and I say it’s time to get spoiled, Cairo-style.

So, where does one begin after taking power in such dramatic fashion? Sure, the military is calling the shots at the moment, but in a few short months they’ll be back in the barracks and on the golf course and you’ll be in charage, the New Founding Fathers of Tahrir Square, the Che’s of the Nile, the Solidarity of the Sahara, the Pancho Villa’s of the Pyramids.

To help get you started, I have compiled a list of the Five Coolest Things You Get To Do After a Revolution. Do these first, then worry about the UN, finance, Isreal and all that boring crap. In fact, hire your parents for those jobs. You won a revolution. I say run with it, baby! For most of you, these are your reckless collegeyears. You toppled a government and changed history. Your American peers merely got wasted in Lauderdale and barfed after the Duke game. Indeed, this is the plan, a handy, step-by-step list of priorities for the new government, in Egypt, Tunisia or China. Oh, sorry, they don’t know about that one yet. Anyway, here you go:

1. Stautes, Statues, Statues–Look, in Washington, DC, you can’t swing a corrupt Congressman without hitting a statue of a Founding Father. Advantages: They’re stone or bronze, chicks will dig you if you show her a statue of yourself on a first date, and as we’ve seen in Iraq, they are a bitch to pull down when the fun stops.

2. Money and You–No, no, don’t steal the money. That’s for small-timers. Tin-pots who don’t last the decade. You want to be on the money. Your mug. On the twenty. How’s a maitre’d ever gonna screw you over when you pull yourself outta your pocket? That’s right, he won’t. The waiter will, but not the maitre’d.

3. The Naming of Names–In addition to scoring a higher grade of babes and dudes now that you are the best-selling flavor at the Ben and Jerry’s, it is time to continue the time-honored way of the revolutionary and rename the world. In your image. St. Petersburg? Bullshit–it’s now Leningrad. Mexican revolutionary Emiliana Zapata has both parks and Metro stops named after him in Mexico City. Imagine–your own metro stop! But why end there? Trailer parks, cities, mountain ranges, states, all you, buddy. Airports, highways and rest stops. National Parks, rivers and sewage treatment facilities. Entire albums by The Clash, for chissakes, named for you. And in Egypt, you have a special opportunity. After all, what are the names of the individual Pyramids? That’s right, nobody knows. Pyramid A, B and C? Not anymore…

4. Holidays–In your honor. Whenever the hell you want them. Personally, I’d keep a few floating so whenever I needed a long weekend, I’d just call up the, um, national holiday people, and say, hey, this Friday is gonna be “Jarvis Fincus Day” and we’re all off work. But I’d only do that if my name were Jarvis Fincus.

5. Your Children and Your Children’s Children–Would so not have to study your country’s Revolution chapters when they come up in school. Bing! Easy A. You’d be telling them your same old bullshit stories from your glory days from the time they talk so they’s know this crap inside and out. How do you think Jefferson’s kids got into UVA? OK, he built the place. Not a good example, but you get the point.

So, as you can see, when you put down the KFC, the real work begins. Good luck. And you might want to write a Bill of Rights in there somewhere. But not until after you name the good freeway for yourself and the one that gets jammed up at 5 am and stays that way til midnight for the asshole in your Poli Sci class who was always flirting with your girlfriend.