This season EN and I are recapping MTV’s The Challenge: Free Agents. Thanks to EN for doing the heavy duty work this week. Recap is formatted in plain text. My response in bold and EN’s response will be in italics. Got it? Good.
The episode opens with Dustin and Jessica cuddling on a couch. I don’t even want to use my finger energy typing about the Dustin/Jessica hookup. They wasted like five valuable minutes on showing footage of them making out, but I am going to have to sigh a massive, “Do better, drunk hooker-uppers.” He’s cute, she’s whiny. Cry fucking baby. Who is Emilee? I guess she changed her hair color or something, but I really don’t remember her.
Also, the costume thing? I wonder if MTV sends out a list of things to pack like schools send to kids when it’s almost time to go back to school. They must. “Oh, by the way, make sure to bring a banana/Catwoman/vague tribal thing costume of some kind.” Because you never know/the producers think it would be funny.
Jessica, in the “Previously on the Challenge” review, says, “I like to be around Dustin because he’s just so alive!” I agree, Jess, and I like your high standards for makeout buddies. Corpses are a real bummer; it’s like they don’t care about your day at all and you pretty much have to force them to do shots with you. They also make for terrible TV so I applaud casting for not selecting a dead person but instead controversially selecting only contestants that have that elusive “alive” quality. Also, way to try and make things weird Emilee. Maybe her only criteria for guys is that they are alive. She did make it super weird. “Hey, I know you’ve been making out all night but heeeeeeeeeey.” I may deeply relate to Emilee’s behavior and the sad part is that the ol’ bait and switch works (with alcohol) like 60% of the time, every time.
I give this matchup a 1 out of 5 for extreme WHOOOOO CAAAAAAARES-ness. Feel free to expound but I just cannot. I can see the potential for a love triangle with Emileeee/Dustin/Jessica, but we’ll see.
I wonder how much electrical tape production goes through when they have to cover the labels on the bottles. It’s a good thing they do, because it’s powerful advertising. I’m looking for “Mirnoff” right now so I can be as stupid as the Challenge kids.
The challenge this episode is a two-person team; one man and one woman. The teams will get in a car, drag race to a stopping point, get out and run to a weird bike (basically, one person has to pedal, facing front, but the other person has to steer, with their back to the course), and then complete a course on the bike. But wait! CHALLENGE TWIST! (Drink.) TJ says, “I hope you know how to drive stick!” OMG. Not a stick shift! No one drives stick anymore, because it’s easily 40% harder to text and drive with a clutch. Confession: I don’t know how to drive a stick. I have an uncle that drives a stick and when I asked him to teach me he said he would if I paid his car insurance for the month. Dick. But yeah, I also noticed that only guys were driving. I wondered if this meant that only the guys can drive a stick or if they refused to let the girls drive. The second part wouldn’t surprise me. I know how to drive a stick, but even if I didn’t, I grew up with people that did. I would totally insist on driving if I were paired with someone who didn’t know. I really don’t know why the women, (especially and HI LAUREL I LOVE YOU), don’t fight this.
As far as this challenge goes, the first thing that (doesn’t) surprise me is that every single team has the dude driving. The second thing is that they are driving EVEN THOUGH they know about as much about driving a stick as my dog, or a teenage goldfish who just got his learner’s permit. It did make me laugh that CT couldn’t figure it out– he’s such a sexy, competent beast that finding out he couldn’t drive stick was like finding out your boyfriend’s last serious relationship was with a Real Doll. WE ARE BROKEN UP CT. I am very much loving the beard on CT. Maybe it’s because beards are in right now, but he’s looking hot. Also hot? Isaac. He’s got a bit of the crazy eye going on and I’m digging it. Isaac has always been crazy. I don’t think he’s going to be the New CT because Sydney was a long time ago, but I would put money on a sexxxxy drunk fight that sends him home later in the show.
Speaking of the CT/Emilee team, legit WTF watching Emilee run. Jessica: “She looks like a cat with tape stuck to her feet.” Jessica may be an annoying moron, but even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Emilee running reminds of that episode of Friends where we find out that Rachel runs like an idiot. Also, Jasmine was pretty fast considering she’s about 4′ 10″.
Nia and Frank take a spill and Nia credits her weave for preventing massive head trauma. Get on that, NFL! Weaves for everyone except Clay Matthews.
Preston surprises everyone, including partner Camila, with his performance, including his knowledge of how to drive stick. I feel really bad for Preston because he is clearly getting the “fey and incompetent sissy boy” edit. To be fair, he does not help his case by cartwheeling over to Camila when selected, but really. Let’s not with the homophobic tropes, MTV. Excellent form on the cartwheels, though, Preston. If there is a gymnastics challenge coming up you got it. Favorite quote from Preston this episode: Who knew Jessica’s ass could be an asset?
Laurel (YAY!) and Cohutta win the challenge. Yay! Happy birthday Cohutta.
The four worst teams go into the draw: CT/Emilee, Theresa/Swift, Frank/Hurricane Nia, and Cara Maria/Bananas. Then, from the rest of the pool, they will select two other players to go in.
But first: PAAAAAAAAAARTAAAAY. At Uruguay’s finest club with a name that is a double entendre, Moby Dick’s. I don’t know when Jasmine became an amateur stripper but suggestion for The Challenge Drinking Game: do a shot when you see Jasmine on a pole. If I had started at the beginning of the episode I would be drunk by now.
Potential hookups at the clerb: Nany/Cohutta, Jasmine and the pole (haha jk, Swift), and Laurel/Jordan. Listen. I would not be able to control myself in that house. I’m pretty much attracted to every straight dude in that house. LOL @Emileeee’s butt hurtedness about Dustin and Jessica. Get over it, girl.
As the night ends, CT apparently gets stuck with a 15,000 Uruguayan peso bill. Instead of just glowering at the others until they give him money (which I would do if I were a sexy giant), he CTs out. Camila, who basically has the same problem-solving skill set as CT, decides to solve the problem by yelling insults three inches from his face. Camila: “YOU’RE A LOSER WITH A BEARD!” Ahahahaaaaa Camila you got him! “YOUR FACIAL HAIR EXISTS!” Sick burn. Somehow, Nany gets involved, ostensibly to “defend” Camila, who is arguably the aggressor, and Camila turns on her. Because alcohol. This conflict continues from outside the club to inside the house, with plenty of shots of lunging ladies being held back. After Nany screams, “You’re the worst friend EVER!” they cut to a shot of drunk Camila sobbing, “I’m not here for the friendship. I’m here for the money.” DRINK. I’m surprised it took this long to see Camilla’s brand of crazy. Camilla tornado is right. Camila is crazy. Honestly, at the start of the show, I thought, she looks good, she’s older…but no. You literally cannot take the Camila out of Camila.
I don’t know if I’m just getting old or what, but this fight seems to go on foreeeeeeever. I need a glass of water, four Advil, and some sleep myself at this point. Go to bed, bitches! You won’t even remember this tomorrow. Nany says, sometime after 4:30 am, “I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and start fresh.” Yes. Please. We ALL want that, Nany. This fight did take a long time. Who has the energy to fight like that? I mean, maybe they’re putting a little extra on for the cameras, but I’m with you. We were out till3:30? Lemme take my contacts out, take my make up off and go. to. bed. They have a challenge in the morning! I did like the shots of everyone else being exhausted by taking turns holding them back. I do feel like that was a producer thing. After 3am, no matter how strong a dude I was, I’d be like, “I think you bitches should hit each other and end this. I’M SLEEPY.”
Later back at the house Frank is coughing and alludes to taking his antibiotics. I’m sorry I thought the worst of you, Frank. I was probably projecting. *I* would have been hungover, but you are clearly a better competitor than I would be. I was pretty sure Frank was hungover until he mentioned antibiotics.
The preview for next week has a voice-over of TJ sternly saying “We have a serious problem at the house.” What could it be? A tragic pole accident involving Jasmine? An outbreak of drug-resistant syphilis? DO THEY RUN OUT OF BOOZE?
Dun dun dun… tune in next week (or in a few days, whenever we can get to it) to find out.
Image via MTV.
