Game of Thrones Recap: “The Climb”

This week you probably aren’t going to like it.

Last week: Sandor was set free and Gendry took a new job with the Brotherhood. Jon finally got laid, and then got sent to invade his own country. Jamie and Brienne reached Lord Bolton, and Brienne learned the truth about Jamie’s kingslaying. The Lannisters discovered to plot to marry Sansa to Loras and cooked up a plot of their own. Tyrion and Cersei learned they are to re-marry. Robb came up with a new plan that involves an unfortunate obstacle in the form of Lord Walder Frey. Melisandre left Stannis for unknown reasons. Dany made the Unsullied her own.

Meera and Osha are at each other’s throats. Osha was previously the only one who could really provide for their little group, but even she was limited by resources. Now fellow tough girl Meera has shown up, and suddenly there are dead, arrow-pierced rabbits everywhere in addition to the friendly greeting that Meera gave her with a knife. Bran may be paralyzed, but he still has something to contribute. He intervenes and makes the two stop fighting and at least pretend to appreciate the other before they kill each other. Afterward, one reason that Jojen needs the protection of his sister is revealed; his visions are accompanied by seizures. His gifts leave him basically helpless while they are in use. But they now know that Jon is not where he is supposed to be.

Farther north, Jon and the wildings have reached the Wall. While they are preparing for the ascent, Ygritte affectionately teases Jon, but then warns him that she’ll cut off his prick and wear it around her neck if he betrays her. It’s love.

Jon Snow clearly knows nothing because he actually looks down while they are climbing the Wall. Several hundred feet up, Ygritte puts a pick in the ice cracks; she and Jon are falling, held only by the rope around Tormund Giantsbane. Tormund is able to hold their weight , but Orell starts cutting the rope. Sayonara, suckers! But! Jon manages to get a hold before the rope is severed. When they reach the top of the wall, Ygritte gets her view of the world from a different vantage point. And then she gets to suck face with Jon on the edge of it. Meanwhile, Sam finally has a girl who really has no choice but to pay attention to him. He is very excited about this.

Here’s a problem: Tywin Lannister wants Cersei to marry Loras Tyrell because they know the Tyrells want him to marry Sansa. The Tyrells don’t know that they know. When Daddy Lannister proposes the new match, Olenna tries to hold off. Cersei is old, she says. Your grandson has a penchant for buggery, says he. Cersei fucks her brother, says she. Tywin is done. He threatens to name Loras to the Kingsguard, thus removing him from the eligible bachelor pool forever and ensuring that the Tyrell seat of Highgarden will pass to Joffrey and Margaery’s children. Checkmate.

Tyrion finally confronts Cersei on the matter of his near-death experience with Ser Mandon Moore. Cersei, to her credit, actually admits that Tyrion’s performance during the Battle of the Blackwater saved their asses. Though she says nothing, she lets Tyrion know that Joffrey, not she, is the one who ordered his death. Tyrion points out that choosing this method of assassination makes Joffrey an idiot. Cersei doesn’t contradict him. She and Tyrion seem to be, if not friendly, at least in some sort of truce by the end of this conversation. Cersei, like Tyrion, has run out of allies within her family.

Oh, Sansa. No gaydar at all. She and Loras sit in the garden and debate jewelry. And Loras knows just the dress for his bride-to-be. He’s been dreaming of his wedding planning big day with a beautiful wife since he was a kid. Sansa, that sweet summer child, is happy. She’s getting to live her fairy tale after all. But not for long.

Tyrion has to tell Sansa that they are getting married. Shae is in the room when Tyrion arrives to tell her. As he says, “This is awkward.” How he actually tells her isn’t shown, but what is worse is Sansa watching the ship that could have taken her away from King’s Landing leaving without her.

Theon’s captor/former savior is an absolute psychopath with a penchant for torture. He still won’t let Theon know who he really is. Thanks to Theon’s late confession last episode, he knows Bran and Rickon are alive. He really got every useful piece of information out of Theon before they returned to the dungeon. He just takes skin off Theon’s little finger because he likes to hear him beg.

Brienne has been forced into a dress, and she is clearly not happy about it. Jaime can’t cut his meat by himself, and he is clearly not happy about it. Lord Bolton tells them what’s going to happen: Jamie is going to go home, and he’s going to tell Lord Tywin that Jaime’s hand totally wasn’t Bolton’s fault so that he doesn’t get a Lannister sword stuck up his arse. Brienne is getting sent back to Robb to face charges of treason, to Jaime’s obvious dismay. This deal, of course, means disobeying his liege lord Robb. What’s he going to do about that?

Robb meets with the sons of Lord Frey. They demand a formal apology, and Harrenhal when the war is over. And then they demand that Edmure marry the Frey daughter of their father’s choice. Edmure’s like, “Is she hot? Cuz I’m def not doing this if she isn’t. Oh, and BTW, this is all your fault, Robb.” Robb lays down what’s at stake: he marries one of Lord Frey’s daughters or the war is lost, and reminds him that he royally fucked up taking a thoroughly useless mill instead of giving them a chance to kill Gregor Clegane. Edmure, with Robb and Brynden the Blackfish glaring at him, says yes.

Somewhere in the woods, Melisandre finds the Brotherhood. She is not too impressed by Thoros as a priest, accusing him of quitting his mission given by their High Priest to convert King Robert. He admits he’s kind of shit at it, but he got back his religion when his friend died. When she is brought to Beric, even Melisandre seems by the number of times that he has been brought back from the dead by the Red God. She asks Beric what the “other side” looks like; he’s like, “uh, doesn’t exist.” But that is not why she has come. The Brotherhood, despite all that talk of, well, brotherhood, gives up Gendry for some sacks of gold. Stannis has found his king’s blood. When Arya protests, Melisandre gives her a cryptic message: there are “brown eyes, blue eyes, green eyes” that she will shut forever. Oh, boy.

The episode ends with Littlefinger sitting in front of the Iron Throne (because his ambition knows no bounds, get it), discussing the new status quo with Varys. Varys calls the throne the “Lysa Arryn of chairs,” which is kinda funny. What’s not funny: Littlefinger knows who revealed his plans to Varys. And Joffrey loves doing new things with his crossbow.