Anonymous Angst from the Online Journals of Your Youth – Part V

Emo-4Reading your old LiveJournal posts is way worse than looking at that picture of yourself as a freshman with a bad perm. Your words look into the truth of your little emo heart, that perm was just a bad decision that you’ll grow out of. Collected here are the anonymous journals of your youth brought forth from the depths of LiveJournal and Xanga. Instead of mashing them all together I’m going to string them out over a few posts.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

“For awhile, it feels like every step you take is driving you further into the ground. And then one day it shifts and you realize that actually you’re climbing up, slowly. Slowly. And things will be alright again.”

If all the hurt that is inside me were able to get out, I’m not sure what it would do to the world. Would it be like a smoky fog, eliminating the rest of the world from view? Or would it be a raging battle? Would it split the Earth in two? Or — and this is the worst yet — would it go utterly unnoticed?

The latter is what I fear most, and it is what I feel is most likely true.

No one notices. No one notices that I feel like the ground has been pulled out from underneath me. No one knows that I try so desperately to integrate myself that I do things that only a year ago would have shocked me. No one knows. And I’m not going to tell them, of course. It shows through once in awhile. People ask if I’m okay, what’s wrong — but I won’t tell them. I say I’m tired, or I’m stressed. I don’t say that maybe I’m dying.

And the worst is when people act like they know me well enough to understand. You don’t understand, you can’t possibly understand. Please don’t act like you do. I don’t care how much you’ve been through or who’s hurt you or what your best friend’s neighbor’s dog went through that you heard all about (that one’s a bit of a stretch). It just doesn’t matter to me.

The actress in me keeps me okay. She is able to put on a face, go through life being okay. She hides the hurt, hides the guilt, hides the shame.

But no one can hide it from me. No one can hide the way that I cry at anything again, no one can hide how my stomach drops out of my torso at the thought of it.

No amount of telling me that it’ll be okay is going to help this.

And so people really need to knock that off.

Really, if I were any more selfish than I am, I’d run away and hide. But I also know that people need me here, and people are counting on me, and that running away isn’t going to solve it. It’s going to follow me.

Probably it always will.

And the horrible thing is how I don’t even know what I want anymore.

I need the crystal ball back again …

Some day somebody’s gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye. Until then baby are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry? Don’t you know? Don’t you know things can change? Things’ll go your way if you hold on for one more day. Can you hold on for one more day? Things’ll go your way. Hold on for one more day.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

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