This post was originally run last year. In honor of Groundhog’s Today, we’re bringing it back.

Friends, I need to talk to you about something very important. For today is Groundhog Day, and I cannot stand by another year without speaking up on behalf of these corpulent woodland creatures.

According to reliable source Wikipedia, one of the earliest recorded references to this holiday is from 1841. A shop owner called James Morris wrote:

Last Tuesday, the 2nd, was Candlemans day, the day on which, according to the Germans, the Groundhog peeps out of his winter quarters and if he sees his shadow he pops back for another six weeks nap, but if the day be cloudy he remains out, as the weather is to be moderate.

Well thanks a lot, James. If you pay close attention, you’ll see it says the “Groundhog peeps out of his winter quarters.” You know what it doesn’t say? It doesn’t say that some slimy douche in a top hat yanks the Groundhog out of a man made enclosure and holds him high in the air, humiliating and traumatizing him for a crowd of cheering morons.

Leave the Groundhogs alone, you rubes! They want to eat greens and be chubby in peace! If you think this savage celebration of rodent misery only happens in Gobbler’s Knob (Srsly, please tell me they know how gay they are.) you are wrong. It happens in locations all over this wasteland of a country we call the United States, and even in some locations of civilised Canada! The University of Dallas in Irving, Texas has even made this stupid holiday its official holiday. Because of course; nothing says higher learning like Groundhog Day. Stop it! Stop it at once!

Next year we need to start a new tradition. Honey Badger Day. Lock the mayor of your city in a steel cage with a honey badger for fifteen minutes. If the mayor survives, spring is on the way! If s/he does not, six more weeks of winter. Either way, start drinking because that’s really what these large-scale celebrations are about, right? Right.