Everyone saw Madonna’s mind-numbing halftime musical extravaganza but what most people didn’t see was Madonna’s blatant attempt to capture their souls.
Madonna is getting old. Sure, she may have had some major songs in the past but her oddly sinewy arms, fake accent, and general similarity to the evil doll in Saw isn’t doing her any favors. She’s tried having the younger, hotter man candy to make herself look younger but that didn’t work. She’s tried every look imaginable from the bedazzled cowgirl to the young Japanese school girl but recently she has resorted to witchcraft.
Upon learning that she would be performing at the halftime show at the Super Bowl, Madonna looked everywhere for inspiration. She decided on an outfit, dancers, and even a dance chock full of references to sorcery and the occult. However, she still didn’t have a song. So in an act of final desperation Madonna turned on the TV. It just so happened to be around Halloween and “Hocus Pocus” was playing. The Salem Witch Trials? Bette Midler? Why, yes Madonna has heard of these things but never thought of performing a spell in the form of song. What a novel idea! So Madonna sat down and fashioned a spell that was basic and catchy but with a sinister agenda. It was very much like the Sanderson sisters spell at the Halloween ball but not a cover of a Screamin’ Jay Hawkins. This song was uniquely fashioned in the depths of Madonna’s mind and was infinitely more powerful than a mere copycat.
It was destiny. Madonna would resurrect her career once again and the world would love her, even if true humanity eluded her. However, she would need partners in crime. She knew that three voices are better than one and needed her own oddly attractive Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy. Enter M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj. Being held against their will, they added their own divisive magic to the song (unbeknownst to Madonna) thus limiting its power.
Then the time came to finally perform at the Super Bowl. Madonna was ready. She had twelve boxes of strawberries and eight mirrors in her dressing room to help her prepare her mind. The spell would reach far and wide. It would transform Madonna from a mere transient being into some sort of demigod. People would remember her many years into the future. Madonna would linger on, even after the earth was incinerated by the red dwarf that was once our sun.
However, Madonna overlooked one major detail. For a spell to work, people had to like you. Her chameleon-like career had finally worked against her. People were over it. She was trying too hard, like that overzealous geek you knew in high school. After the performance, she was absorbed back into the stage her single not even breaking the top ten.
Image via Reuters
