Betty Crocker And The Isle Of Fire

Fire Island, for those who don’t know, is a barrier island off the South Shore of Long Island that has evolved from a tiny summer community to a combination Gay Mecca / Family Circus.  And away we go!

This narrow strip of land is awash in Gay History, and sun-spangled waves, and lovely white sand beaches.  There are several communities here, but I will focus on the two I visited most recently: Cherry Grove and The Pines.

My BFF Bill talked me into visiting Cherry Grove. I had not been there in about 20 years, and I really wanted to spend some time by an ocean not my own. The North Shore has nothing like this, not even in gay-friendly Huntington Village.

Getting there was easy. We met Bill’s friend Greg and Greg’s friend Ericka at Sayville, where we missed the ferry and decided to have a drink while waiting for the next one. (A word about these two: Greg is sweet in a way that can’t be faked, and Ericka is a brassy straight gal married to a burly State Trooper, so we had a LOT to discuss. Plz no comment references to Ericka as a “Fag Hag” – she’s become a good friend, albeit a new one, and I won’t abide anyone name-calling straight allies who will cut a bitch for me. Thx.) Plus she’s got this:

Bow wow wow, yippee yo, yippee YAY.

So there we were, drinking minty-chocolatey adult concoctions at 11 AM on a hot, bright, Saturday. The barkeep was friendly and looked a lot like Marnie/Antonia from “True Blood.” When this was pointed out, she delivered the next round in a sinister, over-the-top Spanish accent that had us all in tears. This was followed by True Bloody Shots, on her. Oh, did she get a serious overtip. And soon, The Gays arrived for the next ferry. This costs $14.00 round trip for adults, which is not bad, really.

O, the Gays of The Ferry

Every shape and size
Toting boxes and supplies
Little dogs that yap
And bags full of hair crap
Bewildered straighties too
With giggling kids in their crew

Preppy Gays! Guido Gays! Gays with visas from Brazil!
Booming basso profundo Gays and Gays with giggles shrill!
A Gay with a kitty in a case, named “Cruella DeVille.”

Off we sailed into the sun
Bound for The Grove Of Cherry
This was bound to be Big Fun
Or filled with Drama, Very.

Walt Whitman I am not.

There is little that is fancy by the Ferry dock, but that’s okay – there are flowers everywhere and the people are friendly.  Everything – every food item, can of paint, all of it, has to be brought in by boat, so you can expect things to be both expensive and in a somewhat shabby state. We made a beeline for The Ice Palace, about 100 feet from the dock. The Ice Palace is a dormitory-style hotel with a pool, bar and nightclub. The pool is open to anyone who pays a fee, and there is a daily drag show which is very entertaining. We got more than our money’s worth with the show, not so much everything else.

The pool area is surrounded by white plastic deck chairs a bit past their prime, and walls painted bright blue with peeling paint. The pool itself is clean, the bar area has new Trex decking, and the friendly bartenders pour the Manhattan-priced drinks generously. Boys and gals cavort everywhere, flirting, dishing, and frankly, it’s easy to either hook up or make new friends. (Note – I was wearing what I would wear to a casual summer lunch: a linen oxford shirt, pressed chino shorts, and boat shoes. I was overdressed. Rock your Speedo if you want to fit in.) We met up with a bunch of Greg’s friends who frankly could have made a sitcom.

Their energy tired me a little, and I grabbed Ericka and we walked over to the beach. It felt like you could swim to England if you wanted to – the Atlantic was an impossible blue-green I’ve only seen off Nantucket. When we got back, it got a little hairy. As in, flipping your wig.

We approached our group and heard a ruckus from the pool area. It seems the drag show was about to start, and one ‘roidy looking man would not move his chair for the performers. Two older men were observing this over the tops of their sunglasses: “Uh-oh, Chad – looks like we have a couple of baaaad Cherries.” A punch or two flew and both ended up in the pool. I learned that: drag queen makeup is waterproof, synthetic hair weaves float, and drag queens will kick ass in a bar brawl. As Musclehead was helped from the pool by his friends with a bloody nose, Miss Thing grabbed her floating weave and sailed off for repairs. And the show went on.  Note: it is customary to tip the ladies as they perform. She made a LOT that day. Her next best move came when she tottered on a loose deck board, regained her balance, then stomped the offending board with her party pump. I howled. All the queens jumped in the pool at one point and it was like the scene in The Posiedon Adventure when the ship flips over during the New Year’s Eve Ball.

Well, on to The Pines.

Walking seemed like a good idea, but there is a Water Taxi.

Note: Take the damn Water Taxi.

We went aimlessly on unmarked trails through woods called The Meat Rack, which looked like a set for a porn called “Lord Of The Fruit Flies.” Then splintery decking winding through reeds and bamboo. After 2 miles or so, Ericka was clutching my arm and wobbling on her stylish stacked heels, and I was drenched, and Bill and Greg were 300 feet behind us.

By the time we got to The Pines we were so miserable that we agreed to order an overpriced pizza and collapse for a while before Tea Dance. The pizza was a good idea.

The Pines is MUCH more polished than Cherry Grove. There is a 2-level NYC style club by the ferry dock, and many places to get a bite or a drink. But the real big thing is Tea. No, not an event where people carry signs saying “NoBama is a secrete muslin.”

Wikipedia says: A tea dance, or thé dansant (French: literally dancing tea) is a summer or autumn afternoon or early-evening dance from four to seven, sometimes preceded in the English countryside by a garden party.

Not here. Here, it’s 9 million Gays with their shirts off dancing, making out, and hopping like writhing bunnies around piles of purses carried by their straight girlfriends while Kylie Minogue sings at top volume. If someone steps on your dancin’ shoe, he will not apologize and ask if you are ok. He will sweep you into a hug and yell “Woo! Kylie!” and dance away.

This is fun for about 20 minutes. The club is REALLY nice. The top part is open to the night air, the dance floors are huge, and the DJ was great. Likewise, downstairs, which had the feel of the old Webster Hall. But the overcrowding started to feel dangerous and when Ericka and I no longer had room to do The Pete And Trudy Mad Men Charleston, I sat it out.  And when it came time to go I was pretty glad that I was the designated driver. Bill had been the designated drinker, and Greg had confused Xanax for Tic-Tacs, and I wasn’t answering to Ericka’s massive husband if she got hurt or a DUI. I shepherded my charges to the Ferry, which would drop us off in the same place in Sayville from which we had departed.

Later in a Commack diner, I watched them all scarf down cheezburgrs, fries, and malteds like some kind of beautifully disastrous, sunburned, windblown version of “90210.”  And I felt kind of young again, which I suppose is the point.

A good time was had by all.

Tips:
1) Bring a small bag with a beach towel, toiletry kit and clean t-shirt. Find a spot to wash up and maybe change mid-day. Reapply sunblock, too.
2) Bring cash.
3) Do not get sloppy – it’s dangerous if you are walking on boardwalks near boats, pools, and snaggly sea grass. Plus, the staff at pretty much everywhere will hate you. Note that there are children present, especially in Cherry Grove. Edit your speech when you see them.
4) Be polite. Most people are, but a drunk twink can be nasty.  Shut them down by walking away and ignoring them.
5) Comfy shoes, easily removed.
6) Tip well and you will be rewarded.
7) Don’t confuse friendliness with flirting and you will have a much better time.  Random friendly chitchat can be one of life’s pleasures.
8) If you are a dude, be nice to the ladies. I did not see one single woman behaving like an ass.  There were a few guys who did. Not cool. And if you have a lady with you and someone touches her boob to see if it is real, he should be thrown out of where ever you are.  Immediately, and by the Manager, not you.  8. a) There be straighties here, lots of them.  Show some respect – the same respect YOU want when they outnumber YOU.
9) Arrive early for the ferry and buy your ticket in advance.
10) No DUIs, plz. Taxis are abundant.

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