HPV, or the human papillomavirus, has long been considered a woman’s worry, with advocates going so far as to text message young women aged 18-26 to remind them about getting all their vaccinations. Not that it is impossible for males to contract the virus, but the biggest danger with HPV is getting cervical cancer, right?
Wrong. HPV, as it turns out, is a gender-neutral offender. In fact, “while women are able to naturally fight the virus, men are not as inherently able.” Because we’ve largely ignored HPV’s impact on men, we’ve let it infect them at alarming rates.
How alarming? Half of all men are thought to have HPV. Yup, that’s one out of two men. In the world. And that might be lowballing it: “some scientists say privately the actual figure is more like 100 percent.” Emphasis added, because what the fuck. A hundred goddamn percent! Scientists are never 100% sure of their findings; hell, I’m only 98% sure I’m wearing pants right now. But how many men have HPV? A hundred percent of them. That means if you are a man, you have HPV. I AM 100% CERTAIN OF THIS FACT, BECAUSE SCIENCE.
So, um, dudes and ladies, get your HPV vaccinations. If you don’t, you will turn into a tree.
DoW Update: As pointed out by by Booboo, “There are over 150 subtypes of HPV. 2 of them are strongly associated with cervical and anal cancer. These are the 2 that the vaccine affects. There are a half dozen or so that may cause warts, a few that may cause non-cancerous changes in cervical tissue. The rest are extremely common but benign. Do you have HPV? Probably. Is it one of the virulent cancer-causing strains? Far less likely. However, cancer is a bitch and if you are in the appropriate age group you should seriously consider the vaccine.”
