The Christmas Decorations of Academic Doom

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This is not a tasteful nativity cut out. It is the harbinger of academic doom.

Once the Christmas lights are up, it starts– that aching, throbbing pain in my heart and mind.  Then the Christmas music starts playing on every radio station, and I get that worrying that I left the oven on except that I don’t have an oven because I live in a dorm room.

Finally, people start wishing me a Merry Christmas, and I realize what that horrible, sinking feeling has been: It’s the week before exams.  And that either means that the A’s and B’s that I have worked my ass off for the last 17 weeks are about to disappear, or that I will see how long the human body can function without sleep.

So wish me luck Crasstalk, and I’ll see you when my life is my own again.

Music to work out at the gym to

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So maybe you have a new morning workout routine. Great! Except it’s hard as fuck to get motivated to exert energy first thing in the morning. That’s where your workout music comes in.

I make no bones about loving club music. I know most people consider it vapid and cheesy. And, well, it is. Most of it is made by the absolute worst sorts of trashy perverts.

None of that matters. All that matters is that it makes you want to (in the immortal words of Big Daddy Drew) run through a brick wall.

So on that tip, here’s some music for your next workout. For each track below, I’ll list the artist (or “artist”), title of the song and the superpower that each particular song will give you.


“Get Down” by Groove Armada
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Proclaim yourself King/Queen of All Bunnies.


“Superdelight” by Heikki L
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Punch a giraffe in the nose.


“Bodymotion” by Way Out West
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Slide across a frozen lake with rockets tied to your shoes.


“Return to Life” by Adam Rickfors
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Die and then come back to Earth as Patrick Swayze so that you can make pottery with that funny-nose girl.


“Unleash My Love” by John de Sohn and Nick Wall ft Christina Skaar
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Use electric eels as weapons.


“Dancing On My Own” (Fred Falke Remix) by Robyn
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Burn people with your laser vision.


“Feel the Hard Rock” (Heiko and Maiko electro mix) by Hardrox
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Use actual ROFLcopters to kill leprechauns.


“Alive” by Mondotek
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Drink 18 cans of 4LOKO without making a fool of yourself.


“Push Up” by Freestylers
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Do those pushups that only insane Marine drill sergeants can do, where you clap in between each pushup.


“My, My, My” by Armand Van Helden
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Throw sharks at the bad people.


“What I Want” by Bob Sinclar Ft. Fireball
This song is makes you feel like you can now: Win a staring contest against Clint Eastwood.

Joyce Tenneson

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Since Friday is PhotoPhriday over at crosstalk, I figure it should also be PhotoPhriday here at Crasstalk.  So every Phriday I’ll introduce one of my favorite photographers.  This week I’ll start with the lovely Joyce Tenneson.

Tenneson is a fine art photographer who works primarily in large format Polaroids, using the human body as a subject.  She states that her upbringing in the convent that her parents worked at, greatly shaped her world view.  This upbringing inspired her to study the stages of life, using photography as her medium.  She currently shows in numerous galleries, and has quite a few books available for sale, all of which I cannot recommend highly enough.  If you’re looking for a new coffee table book, or a present for an art lover this holiday season, definitely think about these. Wise Women Amazing Men Joyce Tenneson: A Life in Photography Intimacy: The Sensual Essence of Flowers Illuminations Light Warriors

Today in Crasstrology: The next 3 weeks are gonna suck.

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Welcome to Mercury Retrograde!  From today until December 30 Mercury will appear to be traveling backwards through the Zodiac.  Mercury, named for the Roman god Mercury, aka Hermes (the Greek god, not the fine purveyor of scarves and perfumes.  Seriously, Hermes has the best perfumes.  And Xmas is coming.  Just sayin’).  Mercury was the Messenger god who controlled communications and travel.  Modern times have attributed technology – particularly communications technology – phones, internet, etc – to his control.  While Mercury ‘travels backwards’ (it is actually an optical illusion caused by the relative orbital speeds of Earth and the other planets), it is said that these things get complicated.  Mercury Retrograde is a time of troubled or misunderstood communication and travel problems or delays.  People are generally advised not to sign contracts or engage in negotiations during Mercury Retrograde or do any complicated traveling.

This year has been especially retrograde-y, with 4 periods of retrograde instead of 3.  Although the actual retrograde period is about 3 weeks, there is also a period of approximately 2 weeks before and after where the typical retrograde problems often manifest.  These are times when Mercury slows down its travel through the Zodiac in preparation for ‘switching direction’).  I, personally, find the 2 weeks before a retrograde to be the most fucked up.  Add in the before and after (often referred to as the ‘Shadow’ (before) and the ‘Release’ (after)) and you looking at 6-8 weeks of general miscommunication and technology and travel snafus.

Is it all bad?  No.  There is some good aspects to a retrograde period.  It is an ideal time to look back and reflect on the past and to gain insight into the past and to formulate plans for the future.  Just don’t try to kick off those plans until Mercury is direct again!  Generally, people may turn especially introspective during this time.  If you have to commit to something or sign contracts, it is important to read the fine print and then double read it.  Trouble generally arises from miscommunication and misunderstandings so being aware of this can hopefully help you avoid problems.  The sign in which Mercury is traversing also affects the general mood as well as whatever else is going on cosmically.

So my advice to you all is to take it easy -especially with family gatherings coming up.  Remember the potential for miscommunications and misunderstandings and travel problems and take a deep breath (and/or a deep drink) before flipping out.  We will be potentially affected by this retrograde until January 18, 2011 which is when Mercury will be flying forward normally again.

For those who like to plan, the retrogrades for next year are: March 30-April 23; August 3 – August 26 and November 24 – December 14.

“All of us are in the gutter, but some of us are reaching for the stars”

Going to a Holiday Party? Need to Bring Some Shit? I Got You Covered

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Christmas is the most wonderful and incredibly fucking stressful time of the year. To ease the stress a little, I’ve put together this recipe guide to help all of you with ideas on what to bring to your various holiday fetes.

You’re bringing breakfast:

These cranberry muffins are a holiday tradition in the epuff family. I like using mini-muffin trays for them. They do require some forethought as you have to soak the cranberries overnight but otherwise are very simple to make. If you want to be super prepared, you can bake the muffins and then freeze them. Recipe below:
Cranberry Muffins

1 Cup raw cranberries, chopped
¾ Cup sugar, divided
2 Cups flour
¾ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
1 egg, beaten
¾ Cup buttermilk
¼ Cup shortening, melted

In a small glass bowl, let cranberries stand overnight in ½ C. sugar. In large bowl, sift together remaining ¼ C. sugar, flour, soda and salt. Stir in egg, buttermilk and shortening all at once until moistened (Do not stir for too long). Stir in cranberries. Fill greased muffin pans 2/3 full. Bake in preheated 400 degree oven 20 minutes. Makes 18 full sized muffins.

You’re bringing a side:

I always try to be unique with sides since it’s so easy to fall into a trap with boring sides. I also try to add some color to holiday meals. Below, you’ll find my recipe for a yellow rice pilaf with carrots, celery, green onion, Craisins, and pecans:

1/2 C. diced green onion
1/2 C diced celery
1/2 C. diced carrot (matchsticks are good)
salt
pepper
curry
garlic powder
(about 1/2 tsp each)
1 C. rice
Chicken or vegetable broth or water

Saute onion, celery, and carrot in small amount of olive oil for 5 minutes or so. Add seasonings and cook for a few more minutes. Add rice and saute for 2 minutes, stirring to coat rice kernels. Add broth and/or water to 1/4 inch above rice (I use part chicken broth and 1 part water). Cover and cook until rice is tender (about 20 minutes). Add more liquid if necessary.

Stir in:
1/2 C. diced green onion
1/2 C. craisins
1/2 C. broken pecan halves

If you want to bring vegetables but steer away from casseroles, one of my favorite things to do is sauté broccoli, red pepper, red onion, and carrots in a little bit of olive oil with lemon juice, thyme, salt, and pepper.

You’re bringing the dressing/stuffing:

May I recommend a bread stuffing made from scratch?

1 qt. bread crumbs (about ½ loaf white bread)
1 qt. cornbread (make up 1 box Jiffy muffin mix)
1 Qt. biscuits (about 8 biscuits – I use the small dinner rolls that come in a tube)
1 C. chopped onion (w/about ¼ C. chopped green onion)
1 C. chopped celery
½ C. chopped parsley
1 ½ tsp. sage
¼ tsp. pepper
2-4 C. chicken broth
½ C. melted butter
2 eggs, slightly beaten

In a large bowl, tear ½ loaf white bread, cooked corn muffins/cornbread, and 8 biscuits into small pieces.
Saute onion, celery in butter. Combine all except butter, eggs, broth. Add butter & eggs, then enough broth to make extra moist. Bake at 350 for about 45 mins.

You’re bringing a main:

Buy a Butterball turkey or Honeybaked ham. Seriously, this shit is a pain in the ass. Don’t even bother. Unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case, I have an excellent spinach lasagna recipe you can ask me about in the comments.

You’re bringing dessert:

My all time favorite holiday dessert is a home baked apple pie. This recipe is from my childhood best friend’s mom, who was a pastry chef so totally knows her shit better than me:

Pie crust for top and bottom
5-6 medium apples, peeled and sliced VERY thin (I use Pink Ladies or Galas)
Juice of ½ lemon
2 tsp vanilla
1/3 Cup flour
1/8 tsp nutmeg
½ tsp cloves
1 TBSP cinnamon
¾ Cup sugar
2 TBSP butter

Mix together apples, lemon juice and vanilla. Mix dry ingredients and add to apple mix. Pour into prepared pie crust in pan. Dot top with 2 TBSP butter, sliced. Cover with top crust, crimping sides together. Pierce top crust several times. Brush top crust with melted butter and sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar.
Bake at 425 for 15 minutes, then reduce heat to 350 and bake another 45 minutes to 1 hour. Serve with Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream (this is my Texas bias coming through).

I hope this recipe guide helps some of you get through cooking block!

In defense of disco

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Before I say anything else, I just want to include this disclaimer: No matter how open-minded a person is and no matter how great the music is…. some people just will NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER be able to tolerate disco. I accept that. Those people are lost causes. For the rest of you, read on…

I know that when you hear the word “disco” you instantly think of the Village People and Abba and maybe Donna Summers and definitely polyester suits. There is an undeniably cheesy side to disco that never seems to die off. So fine, I’ll concede that some aspects of disco are absolutely awful. That said, most people don’t realize that disco also had a grittier, deeper side that didn’t get the radio airplay. Instead, it got played in legendary clubs like the Paradise Garage, where Larry Levan held court and more or less all modern dance music was first truly conceptualized.

So Levan and others like Francois Kevorkian were mixing these crazy, long-form funk records into a nonstop dance workout… and they were YEARS ahead of their time. They were doing things like mixing synthesizers with Afro-Caribbean rhythms 20 years before M.I.A. ever picked up a mic.

I once heard disco described as “blue collar party music,” which is just about perfect. So let’s give credit where credit is due and check out some choons….

“Give Me Love” by Cerrone.
Marc Cerrone is a French drummer and producer who had a serious knack for coming up with catchy songs that still had that hard beat. This song has been remixed about a billion times by house producers in the last few decades.

“I Don’t Want to be a Freak” by Dynasty
I am in love with these girls. They don’t want to be freaks… but they just can’t help themselves. Sad really.


“I Don’t Wanna Lose It” by Bambu
Ok, here is some intense club disco that was clearly made for people consuming massive amounts of cocaine. The tempo is just ridiculously fast… at least 10 or 15 bpm faster than almost any other tracks you’ll find. The cocaine… there’s no other explanation. It’s downright disorienting, but then the vocals come in and everything settles down nicely.


“We’re On Our Way Home” by Brainstorm

Not a lot of people realize this, but ANY song that starts with a slap bass intro is required to be a KICK ASS SONG. It’s a rule. Look it up. In a way, you truly hear the first 80s pop coming through, but then it goes back into full 1970s string orchestra mode. I love it.


“Jingo” by Candido
That evil organ sound at the beginning was sampled by DMX. This song came from Salsoul Records, a hugely influential New York label that was known for using a lot of latin percussion in their tracks. To this day people love scouring old record shops for Salsoul vinyl because it’s such versatile deejay music.


“Deputy of Love” by Don Armando’s 2nd Avenue Rumba Band
If you ever walked into a club and saw that tonight’s act was “Don Armando’s 2nd Avenue Rumba Band,” is there any way you’d be anything less than excited?

“Do It Again” by Easy Going
Here’s an example of what’s called Italo-disco… disco from Italy. We guineas just love our disco. Not even living on different continents can change that. It’s our bond that unites the guido diaspora. Also… nothing homoerotic about that cover art. Nothing. At. All.


“Hot to Trot” by Alfredo de la Fe
Disco was really the first music that mashed up genres in exciting new ways. This tune starts off with a HEAVY samba beat straight off the streets of Rio, then breaks into a jazz violin explosion and then levels out into a straightforward funk jam. The drumming is incredible.


“Time Warp” by the Coach House Rhythm Section
This was a b-side on Eddy Grant’s Electric Avenue record. Eddy Grant is the man. If you put this song on Beatport today, no one would bat an eye. It’s computer music made with synthesizers and drum machines yet it sounds so human.


“Flight to Jamaica” by The Crashers
I’ve never been able to find out ANYTHING about The Crashers other than that they made this song. I don’t know how the hell it’s never been used in a movie soundtrack. Maybe it has, but it’s still got to be one of the all time great long lost disco songs. Reggae and disco… two great tastes that taste great together.


“I Hear Music in the Streets” by Unlimited Touch
That crunchy funk beat. The great vocals. That thumping bass. The handclaps. The fantastic guitar playing. If you’re ever in a bad mood, treat yourself to this song. It’s pure joy in sonic form.

Crass Parenting: Modern Birth Terminology

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The birth process has changed a lot since I was born. My mom just went to the hospital and had me. It was pretty cut and dried. Today, she’d be known as a terrible mother. Birth has evolved. It’s become a defining act. It tells the world what kind of mother you are and many believe it sets the tone for the relationship you will have with your child.

If you are newly pregnant or someone close to you is having their first child, you will probably hear a lot of new concepts thrown around. Mothers-to-be have to decide where to have their baby, how to have it, whether drugs or interventions should be involved and how to deal with the baby immediately after the birth. There are lots of decisions to be made. However, to start off with, it’s important to understand the terminology. Here are some terms you might not be familiar with if you are new to the modern birth era:

Birth plan: Birth plans are a fictional document a mother writes before the birth which outlines how she would like the birth to proceed. The plan often contains her wishes to use or avoid medication, induction or c-sections. The mother gives this plan to the doctors and nurses who laugh themselves sick because we all know how cooperative babies are. Yes, babies come on time, on schedule, in exactly the way you want them to be born. That happens all the time.

Doula: Doulas like to say that while the father or doctor catches the baby, the doula catches the mother. The Doula is there to mediate between the mother and the doctor and make sure the mother doesn’t make any rash decisions such as deciding at the last moment that she will take any and all drugs and she doesn’t care what she said yesterday about medication, dammit, she wants an epidural now.

Midwife: Midwives are superior to doctors in that they are considered more natural and holistic and will make you feel like a wimp if you whine about drugs or beg for pain medicine. Midwives are often earthy, granola type women who gave birth after two pushes and buried their placenta under a tree. They are the kinds of women who glowed during pregnancy and have magical birth experiences. Clearly, they are either aliens or part of a secret superhuman race. They speak in coded language that only other superhuman women understand. They use code words like “surges” and “orgasmic birth” that will attract other superhuman women and allow them to give birth to their superhuman babies in the midwife environment.

Homebirth: Instead of going to the hospital and bringing the baby home, you have your baby at home. Then, you get to deal with the mess and bodily fluids yourself or assign your husband and/or any onlookers to clean up the biohazards. This is a great way to involve them in the birth process. Nothing makes a new father happier than cleaning up uterine fluid and blood. Also, if you live in an apartment complex, you will be able to alert your neighbors immediately to the fact that a baby is on the way so they can go shopping for baby gifts asap.

Unassisted childbirth: This is for the balls to the wall crowd. Midwives and doctors be damned – in this case, you are going it alone. There are lots and lots of helpful videos and stories on the internet about people who birth without out any medical intervention whatsoever. Sometimes the mother even catches the baby by herself. This requires the kind of woman who is very vigilant during labor as the baby definitely needs to be caught if the mother is standing or squatting. A fresh baby covered in bodily fluid can go flying pretty far. It’s probably a good idea to have a catcher’s mitt on hand.

Orgasmic birth: A contradiction in terms. Attempt to keep a straight when you hear this term. Some first time mothers think this is possible during childbirth. You never hear experienced mothers talk about it.

Using WordPress

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Since so many of you have told me you’re having trouble editing/formatting your posts, I thought I’d post this handy tutorial. It’s just a short video that walks you through the “Add New Post” screen so that you know what you’re doing when you’re writing about kittens or whatever.