Pathetic Obsession with Teen Mom 2

Why am I, a nearly 40 year old woman (gah! How did that happen?) obsessed with Teen Mom? I was secretly looking forward to last night’s premiere of Teen Mom 2. I set the DVR to record it twice just in case some of it got cut off. I have a theory that 30-40 year old moms are watching most of MTV’s docudramas. I bet if you could get people to really admit what they watch, you’d find out that I’m right (someone is watching all those episodes of True Life). Every time one of my friends has a baby, they tell me they spent their maternity leave watching 16 and Pregnant or My Super Sweet 16 or Jersey Shore or My Super Sweet Shore or 16 and At The Shore.

I did some self-analysis and here are some of the potential attractions that Teen Mom 2 holds for me:

  • I was obsessed with the original Teen Mom, so this is a natural progression.
  • I have little kids and this show makes my life look way easier.
  • Leah lives near my hometown so I see glimpses of where I grew up.
  • No matter how dumb I act, I still have more sense than Janelle (or Amber. Pick your season and there will be an applicable trainwreck).
  • Lawd, 17 year old boys should not be parents. Teen motherhood is a concern; teen fatherhood is a tragedy.
  • It makes me so glad I did not have children until I was in a stable relationship.
  • I am a huge dork for an underdog love story and am rooting hardcore for Leah and Corey.
  • Damn, is my husband ever WonderDad.
  • When I get irritated about spending Saturday night surrounded by tantrums and Goldfish crackers, I can remember that I spent my 20s going to so many clubs that I was sick to death of them

I continue, despite the critics, to think this show is a good documentary. It makes teen motherhood look like hell. I am soooo glad I waited. It’s so much easier when you’re older and the child’s father is older. I suppose it’s possible that some teen somewhere got pregnant on purpose just to get on this show. I’d have to question this teen’s ability to make any kind of good decision in general. Even if you’re a pregnant teen in the right age group, what are the odds you’d get on this show? Anyway, now I’ve publicly admitted my guilty TV watching habit (one of them). Now I’m going to watch the deleted scenes on MTV.com and count down the days until the next episode.

Crossposted from bbqcornnuts.typepad.com

Party Like It’s 1998

OK, kids. Strap on your day-glo backpack and floppy Kangol hat because we’re going back to 1998. It was a simpler time back then. Justin Bieber hadn’t been invented yet and the ecstasy flowed like wine. Here are some tracks to take you back to that sketchy warehouse party that was probably thrown in a former asbestos factory. You’ll have fun, as long as you avoid the bathroom. It’s filled with ravers and is almost definitely disgusting.


“Re-introduction” by The Wiseguys
A billion different samples, a never-ending scratch. The 90s were not the most subtle time for music. We generally liked to go overnboard. This one turned into a classic b-boy jam, so I can’t hate it.


“Trip II the Moon” by Acen
Science-fiction. We loved it back then. Basically, if you needed an idea for a song in 1996 and couldn’t think of anything else, you knew you could ALWAYS make it about space robots and call it “Flight 2 Da Moon” or something.


“Fucking in Heaven” by Fatboy Slim
Ah yes. Fatboy Slim aka Norman Cook. Here he pounds a single naughty phrase into oblivion. People just wanted to hear what samplers could do back then. Leave us alone, it was the 90s.


“Loaded” by Primal Scream
A psychadelic Stones homage made with a drum machine and a bucket full of drugs. Somehow it all works.


“King of the Beats” by Aphrodite
Here’s our first jungle track of the night. Aphrodite was known for putting out a BILLION records that all sounded very much like this one. Eventually his name kinda became a punchline. Still, I can’t hate on “King of the Beats.” When it gets all dark at the 2:00 mark it takes me back to my younger days when everyone wore thugged-out puffy jackets and huge boots to the rave.


“Under Mi Sensi” (Jungle Spliff X-Project Remix) by Barrington Levy
For a few years there, the huge trend was to mix dancehall reggae with jungle and call it “ragga jungle.” For some stupid reason it eventually fell out of favor. I say stupid because… jesus, this music is awesome. It makes me want to light a car on fire.


“What Goes Up” by Blackwing vs. Headhunter
Here’s another dark drum ‘n bass track. I think the music was so foreboding back then because we had a sneaky feeling the aughts were really going to suck.


“Drop That Beat” by Richard Humpty Vission
Ok, that’s enough jungle. Here’s an acid house/hard house joint from RHV. This music is just stupid frenetic and sounds like it was made for someone who just ate about 10 pills of E. I fully admit that this music is basically annoying as shit. I left it in because well, those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. So cutting out this song would be like denying that genocide happened. Are you happy now, monster?


“The Funk Phenomena” by Armand Van Helden
This song was an absolute scorcher in the clubs with that weird little keyboard riff and cool vocal line. I think this is one of the tracks that truly has aged well.


“To the Three” by S.P.1200
I love how on this record’s label it thanks “all the djs who like to spin the hard tracks.” The airhorn sample, the sped up vocals, the huge cymbals and claps… so so 90s. I don’t know why we thought it was so cool when the producer sped the vocals up to make it sound like a four-year-old was rapping, but we ate that shit up.


“Infatuation” by Onionz & Master Dee
This record was made by hippies from the West Coast, so it’s all “musical” and doesn’t give you a splitting headache. Whatever, hippies.


“Freed From Desire” by Gala
EUROTRASH! It’s not just a recent phenomenon, kids.


“Release Me” by Industry


“Get Get Down” by Paul Johnson
Ok, there are only three words in this whole song, but dammit, the way Johnson keeps shifting the vocal pitch down was ahead of his time. (I have a feeling he was using an akai sampler instead of ProTools but I’ll defer to the experts on such questions.)


“On the Run” by DeBos
We all dressed exactly like this couple back then. And we’d ALWAYS smash our dinner table to bits. That was funny to us.


“King of my Castle” (Roy Malone Mix) by Wamdue Project
A few years ago here in Atlanta I happened to meet a guy named Chris Brann who I rode motorcycles with a few times. It turned out he was the producer behind Wamdue. Small world! I love this anecdote from his wikipedia page: “Wamdue Project famously appeared on the initial nominations list for ‘Best British Newcomer’ [3] at the 2000 Brit Awards, before embarrassed organisers were forced to withdraw the nomination on account of the fact that Brann is American.”


“Little Fluffy Clouds” by The Orb
This song contains maybe the weirdest sample of all time at the beginning when the trippy-sounding hippie farmgirl talks about the “little fluffy clouds” in the sky.


“King of the Death Posture” by Van Basten
Technically this is what trance sounded like before trance grew into something that made you want to stab yourself in the face.


“Pumpin” by Bad Boy Bill


“Didjital Vibrations” by Jamiroquai
Jamiroquai was sort of the house band of the 90s rave scene. This was the perfect track for the chill-out room. Do they even have chill-out rooms anymore? It was where you went when your body was simply too exhausted to continue dancing but the drugs weren’t going to let you pass out just yet. I don’t think that exists any more with the invention of Red Bull.

Going Green…Internally

Last month, while pondering what I wanted to do differently in 2011, I thought about what I put in my mouth.

For about seven years (age 14-21), I was a vegetarian. Back then, there weren’t nearly as many ready-to-eat or veg-friendly ingredients carried in regular grocery stores. Now, even Wal-Mart has organic and veg-friendly options.

Needless to say, I fell off the veg wagon and was OK with that for many years. Then, in 2010, after putting on some unwanted weight, I started working out with a trainer. I still didn’t change what I was eating, but knew that would need to change sooner than later.

While identifying what I wanted to change in 2011, I wrote down that I wanted to institute vegan Mondays and Wednesdays each week to force myself to really think about what I’m putting in my mouth and to start preparing healthier meals for myself.

A friend told me about the Physician’s Committee for Responsible Medicine and their 21-Day Vegan Kickstart program. I signed up, bought a few recipe books, and put together a meal plan for the first week.

Since January 2, 2011, I have been eating a plant-based diet and I feel great. Seriously. I’m a life-long insomniac, but have been sleeping really well lately. Also, I find myself waking up and wanting to get out of bed. My body feels energized. Usually, I felt sluggish around 2PM or 3PM while sitting at my desk. Last week, I breezed through that time with ease.

I’m now in my second week and feel like I could do this for much longer than 21 days.

Of course, it helps that I love to cook and throw stuff together in the kitchen. It also helps that I live in a city where there are tons of vegan-friendly restaurants in addition to the options available in the grocery store.

Because of my access to veg-friendly options, I consider myself quite lucky to be able to even do this. I know not everyone in this country has easy access to quality, fresh vegetables, which is something that needs to change.

Being on a plant-based diet has made me realize how important it is to keep track of what’s going in my body if I want it to continue working properly without slowing down.

Vegan Lasagna

1 10-ounce box frozen chopped spinach, thawed (or a bunch of fresh spinach, rinsed well and chopped)
1 Butternut Squash, peeled, seeded and cut into small chunks
4-5 Fresh basil leaves or 2 tablespoons of dried basil
1 container of firm tofu
5-6 cloves of garlic
1 teaspoon salt
About 2 jars of marinara sauce (or use your own)
1 cup of vegetable broth
About 12 dry (uncooked) whole-wheat lasagna noodles
1/4 cup nutritional yeast

Preheat oven to 325°F.

Place the cut butternut squash in a large pan or stock pot. Pour in enough water to cover the squash. Put on medium-high heat and cover. Cook until the squash is tender. Remove from heat and drain.

In a food processor, add the cooked squash, garlic cloves, and tofu. Purée the ingredients. While the processor is in purée mode, slowly add in 3/4 cup of the vegetable broth. When all ingredients are mixed, turn off the processor.

In a large sauté pan, add 1/4 cup of vegetable broth and the spinach. If using fresh spinach, sauté until it’s wilted. If using frozen, sauté until it’s warm. Remove from heat and add in the marinara sauce. Mix together.

Coat the bottom of a 9″×13″ pan with the marinara/spinach mixture, then add a layer of lasagna noodles, overlapping noodles slightly. Then, spread on a heaping amount of the butternut squash-tofu mixture to cover the noodles. Then, add on another layer of lasagna noodles. Repeat this process again. The final layer should be the marinara/spinach mixture. Sprinkle nutritional yeast all over the top.

Cover tightly with aluminum foil and bake for 1 hour. Stick a knife through the center of the lasagna to make sure the noodles are completely cooked. Let cool for about 15 minutes, uncovered, before serving.

Enjoy!

The least sympathetic ‘I have lots of student debt’ story ever

Yesterday the New York Times brought us a story about the plight of law school graduates that focused on a guy named Michael Wallerstein. Ostensibly, Wallerstein’s purpose was to serve as a nice thumbnail for the story’s angle: that law schools are ripping students off and leaving them with lots of debt and very little in the way of job prospects.

Now, in general the article made a pretty solid case that structural incentives are driving law schools into a never-ending chase for more students and more tuition money, even though the job market for new lawyers is basically complete shite. Fair enough.

But the more we learn about this Wallerstein character, the less I want to feel sorry for him. Let’s review his case!

And many students enroll for reasons other than immediate financial returns. Mr. Wallerstein, for instance, was drawn by the prestige of the degree. He has no regrets, at least for now, even though he seems doomed to a type of indentured servitude at least through his 30s.

“Law school might not be worth it for another 10 or 15 years,” he says, “but the riskier approach always has the bigger payoff.”

Good start! Is he an asshole, or just painfully delusional? We don’t know yet, and must read on to find out. Very suspenseful, New York Times!

WHEN he started in 2006, Michael Wallerstein knew little about the Thomas Jefferson School of Law, other than that it was in San Diego, which seemed like a fine place to spend three years.

“I looked at schools in Pennsylvania and Long Island,” he says, “but I thought, why not go somewhere I’ll enjoy?”

All major life decisions should really come down to whether or not the weather is good. That’s the kind of critical thinking I would look for when hiring an attorney.

Mr. Wallerstein is chatting over lunch one recent afternoon with his fiancée, Karin Michonski. She, too, seems unperturbed by his dizzying collection of i.o.u.’s. Despite those debts, she hopes that he does not wind up in one of those time-gobbling corporate law jobs.

“We like hanging out together,” she says with a laugh.

If love paid the bills, these two would be debt-free tomorrow. But it doesn’t, and Mr. Wallerstein has no money in the bank, no assets and — aside from the occasional job as a legal temp — no wages to garnish. He and Ms. Michonski live rent-free in a nearby brownstone, in return for keeping an eye on the elderly man who owns the place.

Wait. These two (I kind of feel sorry for the girlfriend getting dragged into this, but since she obviously has such awful taste….) have no plans for ever repaying their debts while they live for free in a New York City brownstone. And we’re supposed to feel sorry for him.

WHEN Mr. Wallerstein started at Thomas Jefferson, he was in no mood for austerity. He borrowed so much that before the start of his first semester he nearly put a down payment on a $350,000 two-bedroom, two-bath condo, figuring that the investment would earn a profit by the time he graduated. He was ready to ink the deal until a rep at the mortgage giant Countrywide asked if his employer at the time — a trade magazine publisher in New Jersey — would write a letter falsely stating that he was moving to San Diego for work.

“We were on a three-way call with my real estate agent and I said I didn’t feel comfortable with that,” he says. “The Countrywide guy chuckled and said, ‘Everyone lies on their mortgage application.’ ”

Great. We found the one group of people more hateable than bratty law school students… Countrywide mortgage loan officers. What a nexus of suck.

Instead, Mr. Wallerstein rented a spacious apartment. He also spent a month studying in the South of France and a month in Prague — all on borrowed money. There were cost-of-living loans, and tuition of about $33,000 a year. Later came a $15,000 loan to cover months of studying for the bar.

Oh, he actually did the right thing! Way to pay attention in those ethics classes! But wait, then he went and rented a huge apartment and dicked around in Europe. What kind of “studying” can a law student accomplish in France in only one month? Is this actually part of the curriculum? Are we training lawyers in how to make a fucking salade nicoise now?

Today, his best guess is that he should be sending $2,000 to $3,000 a month in total, to lenders that include Wells Fargo, Citibank and Sallie Mae.

“There are a bunch of others,” he says. “I’m not really good at keeping records.”

Good. I hate when my lawyer bothers to do stupid shit like “keep records.” Keeping records is for gay-ass bitches. Fuck that. I’d rather hire a lawyer who knows his way around the hostels of Prague.

AS a student, Mr. Wallerstein assumed that the very scale of law school — all the paperwork, all the professors, all the tests — implied that pots of gold awaited anyone with smarts, charm and a willingness to work hard. He began to doubt that assumption when the firm where he had interned told him that it hadn’t been profitable for two years and could not offer him a full-time job.

Well, the assholishness is strong in this one, but don’t forget his delusional side! But now is where we get to my absolute favorite part of the article, when Wallerdouche really brings it all together….

MR. WALLERSTEIN, for his part, is not complaining. Once you throw in the intangibles of having a J.D., he says, he is one of law schools’ satisfied customers.

So yeah, obviously he’s quite the sympathetic victim of the unscrupulous law schools.

“It’s a prestige thing,” he says. “I’m an attorney. All of my friends see me as a person they look up to. They understand I’m in a lot of debt, but I’ve done something they feel they could never do and the respect and admiration is important.”

This guy is $250,000 in debt and works a crappy document review temp job and yet he’s STILL convinced all his friends look up to him. Like I said… don’t ignore this guy’s ability to delude himself.

Unless, somehow, the debt just goes away. Another of Mr. Wallerstein’s techniques for remaining cool in a serious financial pickle: believe that the pickle might somehow disappear.

“Bank bailouts, company bailouts — I don’t know, we’re the generation of bailouts,” he says in a hallway during a break from his Peak Discovery job. “And like, this debt of mine is just sort of, it’s a little illusory. I feel like at some point, I’ll negotiate it away, or they won’t collect it.”

He gives a slight shrug and a smile as he heads back to work. “It could be worse,” he says. “It’s not like they can put me jail.”

Now far be it from me to take an overly moralistic view of debt. I consider defaulting on a debt to be an economic problem, not a moral one. But knowing what we know about this guy’s reasons for going to school, his desire to live in a big apartment near the beach, the European vacations and his complete lack of a viable career path…. I nominate for the title of Mr. Wallerstein America’s Least Sympathetic Student Debt Story.

(I think this story won the title in 2009.)

Some Thoughts on the Renunciation of Political Violence

Yesterday a deranged young man walked up to US congresswoman and shot her in the back of the head. He then turned his gun on the crowd gathered in a sunny Arizona parking lot who had come to meet her. Gabrielle Giffords survived, but six others did not. Three of the slain were over 70 years old, one was a federal judge, another a pastor, one was a nine year-old child.

Most of us were saddened and frightened, but I doubt that more than a few were surprised.

Today, we point fingers and make accusations. Those who have cloaked themselves in the language and imagery of violence deny responsibility and angrily demand absolution. Their Second Amendment Solutions and shouts of treason and conspiracy are not meant to be taken literally, only a crazy person would think otherwise.

It does not matter if the violent rhetoric caused this young man to act, it is wrong to call for violence against your political opponent in any circumstance.

There has been an almost 250% increase in militia groups in the last two years, and citizens turn up with guns at community meetings to show the bastards who’s really in charge.

It is a sad irony that a child who was interested in public service was gunned down amidst a cacophony of claims that all of those who work for the government are lazy, corrupt, and evil. We have made those who do the work of the taxpayer an enemy that deserves no mercy.

Last night a commenter posted this on Prison Planet:

The militia crowd, that constantly evokes its right to overthrow the government by force if necessary has made itself a victim of this tragedy. They will be blamed and oppressed, their rights taken away. It is all about them, not the families who lost loved ones or those who struggle to survive in the hospital.

What made George Washington a patriot wasn’t his victories in battle, but rather his peaceful relinquishing of power when his time to rule had come to an end.

We have made violent imagery the back drop of our political theater, yet we act surprised when the afflicted among us actually perform the script. Meanwhile, those who oppose the violence have ceded the stage. Instead of meeting the rhetoric straight on and appealing to our neighbor’s sense of decency, we have retreated into sarcasm and disdain. We have taken our sense of superiority and used it as a pretext to write off entire classes and groups of people who are not like us. Even though most of those people pray and weep just as we do at times like these.

We have let the smallest of threats intimidate us. If it is more comforting to be a coward than an aggressor then feel free to embrace it, but it gives me no consolation today.

I would like to think that this will be a turning point for us in this country and that we will embrace civility, but I cannot. I would like to think that my actions and attitudes make a difference, but they will not. I would like to know that Americans are better than this, but I do not.

…but isn’t typing exercise?

Who doesn’t want to be 1,000 pounds and featured on Gawker’s homepage? We don’t!

I’ll try to make this a weekly post where we can check in, ass kick each other, and brag about how tough we are. In convening our first meeting, this is the agenda (and, since I’m initiating it, my philosophy).

1. In general, I think exercise leads you to eat/take care of yourself a bit better, so this ain’t about dieting or calories.
2. Start where you are and be reasonable in your goals.
3. Help me name our exercise group.
4. Tell us what you plan to do/want to accomplish.
5. Keep track of the number of miles run, biked, swam, etc.

I like data, so I am going to be tracking my swimming and biking on Map My Ride, which also has Android and iOS applications (the Android one is free right now, just FYI). The cool thing about the mobile apps is that you can start the GPS at the start of your ride and it will track you automatically.

So that’s it – tell us how you want to report your results, I figure we can do some group tracking and whatnot and let’s exercise more than our fingers!

Has The Rapture Index Dropped the Ball?

2 million fish were found dead in The Chesapeake Bay. 100,000 fish went belly up in Northwest Arkansas. Thousands of birds died in Arkansas, Louisiana and Sweden. They just fell out of the sky.

WTF?

Naturally, I turned to The Rapture Index (www.raptureready.com) for answers. Is it Armageddon? Is it Rapture Time? If you’ve missed my blog posts on the issue, The Rapture Index is self-defined as “the prophetic speedometer of end-time activity”. The Index measures a variety of categories including false christs, liberalism, plagues, droughts, and the occult. The record Index high was 182 on Sept 24, 2001. The record low of 57 was recorded on December 12, 1993.

There is no specific Index measure for dying birds or fish, but if I remember correctly from the movie The Seventh Sign, dying fish and birds falling from the sky are definitely a bad sign. I went right to The Rapture Index for answers and what do you think I found? Nothing! The Index has not been updated since January 3rd and it’s sitting steady at 173. That’s pretty high but there is no mention whatsoever of the bird/fish death plague and how it might affect the rapture. Should I pack for the rapture? Should I find heathens to watch my pets after the rapture? Should I bother to send in a check for this month’s mortgage? Dammit, I need answers. If I can’t turn to The Rapture Index, where can I turn?

Crossposted from bbqcornnuts.typepad.com

Wait, what? No, no, really, what?

What the frick can these two possibly have to say to one another?

CS: “I’m on a show. A television show?”
DJ Paul Mitchell: “I’m on a show, too!”
CS: “Maybe you’ve heard of it? On HBO? It’s called Big Love.”
DJ Paul Mitchell: “Heh, heh. I got me some big love here, if you know what I mean!”
CS: “No, no, you moron. Big Love. It’s about Mormons.”
DJ Paul Mitchell: “Yeah, yeah, like them singers. In like a choir or some such.”
CS: “No, no, you moron…well, yeah, like that. Look, my show’s ending, so how about I make you my next project? How attached to that hair are you?”
DJ Paul Mitchell: “My hair is totally attached to my body. Have you seen my body? It is my third best feature.”
CS: “I don’t even want to know what your first and second best features are. Just shut up and smile. They’re taking our picture.”

My hair hurts just thinking about this.

The Jersey Shore Liveblog

We’re liveblogging the Jersey Shore season premiere. Because, well, if we don’t watch it, how will we learn about various hot tub-related viruses?