Wednesday Morning Open Post

Good morning and welcome. Hope you are rested or at least have something good to regret. Let the rocker girls get you going today.

Damn. Maybe we should have put this in the Hump Day post. Have a sassy day.

Crass Fiction: The 7:03

Author’s note: Baconcat loves Gothic horror. He loves it for the atmosphere and the over the top lurid descriptions (oh, the Victorians, what wonderful hypocrite prudes they were!). However, if you don’t, you’ll probably want to skip this one.

 

Okay, you’ve been forewarned.

The 7:03

The blast of the train’s steam whistle ripped through the snowstorm and told Hannah she had guessed correctly. The sound emanated no more than 30 yards directly in front of her. The snowfall was so thick that when she fled her house only a few minutes ago she was forced to lay trust in only her feet to guide her to the train station. But her feet had run true, taking steps they had taken perhaps a thousand times before. Now, with only a few more steps she would be aboard the train and free of her dreadful pursuers. She wondered, if only for a moment, if she had truly been able to escape them. But if she had heard the whistle, they heard the whistle. Were she to make the train though, there would be safety in numbers.

How horrible the demons that forced her from her home had been!  She imagined her pursuers’ blackened hands grasping at her, the greasy flesh falling off in terrible chunks, the sooty tallow leaving streaked stains on her dress. So nightmarish was this thought that she failed to see the step to the train platform and fell over it, almost spilling the little money purse clutched desperately in her hand. ’30 dollars.’ she whispered instinctively, as if by speaking it aloud she guaranteed its safety. 30 dollars was not much, but it would be enough for her to start a new life in Cleveland, maybe even Chicago. It was all her father had to his name. All of his savings, and yet only five minutes ago he had pressed it so willingly and firmly into her hand while he shuttled her out back door of the only home she had ever known.

“Just please go, child!” he said while pushing her reluctant body out into the cold night. He hadn’t even had time to tell her he loved her before the mob knocked down the front door. “Just go!” he cried as he ran to bar the kitchen door and buy his only child a few more precious seconds to flee. Just then, in the moment the front door had fallen, she’d seen the demons again leading the charge; Their burnt faces turned in a permanent toothy death smile, their white bones peeking through the torn and scarred skin as they forced their way through the house and slammed against the kitchen door. Hannah took one last look at her father mustering all the strength his 58 year old frame could manage to hold back the door, and then she turned and stumbled blindly into the raging storm.

The whistle blew again as Hannah ran down the platform, racing for the train. As she boarded the train, she heard the desperate cries of her pursuers. They too had reached the platform, but devil be damned, they were too late! The train was already pulling out of the station. Even if they got aboard, they couldn’t hurt her here; not on a train, not with all the passengers for witnesses. In the town she may be a pariah, but here on a train full of strangers, she was an unknown damsel in distress. The demons could not touch her here.

She found her way into the cabin and fell into the first available seat. Even though the seats were the uncomfortable wood and wrought iron benches of coach class, the cabin was warm, being heated by the coal fired oven, and she was so tired and relieved to be free of them that she drifted into a dream filled sleep.

Her sweet, departed mother came to mind first. She had been so beautiful! While she was alive all had been well in their small town. Her father had been happy then, for he considered himself the luckiest man alive. Having reached 40 with no mate, he had resigned himself to a life of solitude. Yet, when he met Hannah’s mother on a supply trip to Boston, he knew within an instant that he would marry her. It didn’t matter that she was a poor immigrant daughter and he a successful shopkeeper, nor that he was twice her age. After only a day, he offered her work in his general store. She agreed and took the long carriage ride back with him without a second thought. By the time they arrived in his small town, they were in love. They were married in a short ceremony and within a year, Hannah arrived.

Next stop Garvey.”

Perhaps Hannah had always had the gift. Perhaps not, but what is certain is that her first recollection of the ability was her mother’s death. Hannah had seen the mark on her mother that day. It was clear as day to Hannah, the dark blue band across her mother’s neck. Not knowing what it was, the premonition confused her. Here was her mother in her Sunday best, and yet she was caked in mud. Being only four, she asked her mother why she would wear muddy clothing to go to church? Her mother thought Hannah was playing a child’s game with her and scolded her. She remembered that; her mother had been cross with her. And yet, her mother was sweet-natured, and not one to hold a grudge. By the time service ended, she had forgiven Hannah, even though the child still insisted that she was wearing soiled clothes.

For three days Hannah watched her mother come downstairs wearing clothing caked in mud. And each time there was the same deep blue band across her neck. For three days she would ask her mother why she wore muddy clothes and for three days her mother sighed and her father told her it was not polite to make fun. It wasn’t until the 4th day that the visions made sense. That was the day Mr. Watkin’s carriage became unbuckled and rolled free down the hill. Her mother never even saw it. It pushed her into the mud in the middle of the street and the wagon wheel passed right over her neck. From there on in, father believed in her visions. How could he not? Was the bruise of the wagon wheel not exactly where Hannah had shown him?

The loss was hard on both of them, but they had each other, and together they survived. Her father was sad, but he was kind and loving. And though he had lost his wife, he had her daughter. Life began to return to normal.

“Next stop Wickham Green.”

For a while, things settled in again. But then the war between the states broke out and Hannah began seeing them again. For the week before he left to join the union, Parson Williams’ boy had a deep gash down the length of his neck. He was killed by a cavalryman in a skirmish. Joseph and Ira Collins had multiple bullet holes in their Sunday best. They were both killed at Pickett’s charge.  Ambrose Mueller was missing a head. And when she saw Clinton Smith, or what was left of him, the sight was so terrifying that she screamed every time he came into her father’s store.

Her father had always liked Clinton and felt it was his duty to tell him of his daughter’s premonition. Clinton was so terrified that he fled the draft and ran away to New York City. He was blown to pieces by a naval cannon during the draft riots of ‘63.

From then on out things deteriorated in the village. Clinton’s mother believed it was Hannah who had killed her son through some sort of magic and she spread the story Clinton had told her throughout the town. Hannah’s father laughed at first, but as she kept predicting and people kept dying, it became harder and harder to laugh.

“Next Stop Ashtabula, Ohio.”

The war ended, as all wars do, and if things didn’t exactly return to normal, they at least became less hostile. But even without war, accidents happen: threshers break, carriages flip, horses panic, guns explode. Hannah kept them to herself, sharing only the occasional comment for her father. “Old Schaeffer is going to die soon.” Most importantly Hannah resigned herself to the fate of not being able to change the outcomes. After all, they died if she said nothing and they died if she warned them. She became used to the sights of the mangled bodies. None of them were that terrible, and more importantly, they had a sort of benevolent peace to them. If she envisioned farmer Schaeffer with a broken neck, he was still farmer Schaeffer, he still spoke kindly words to her on Sunday, even if they came out of a very sideways head.

But a full 11 years after the war she saw a horrible vision, one altogether worse than Clinton Smith. In fact, it had been so horrible that when the two demons (for there was no other word for them) entered the Church on that cold morning, she fainted dead away.

Hannah rustled in her sleep as the train left the station. Though she tried to push the memory of the demons from her mind, she could not. They were townspeople no doubt, but so badly burnt that they were unrecognizable. When they walked into the church that morning, she saw the greasy black stains they left in their wake, she saw the flesh drip and fall off their legs. And their eyes, their hideous eyes were vacant of eyeballs, black and oozing, and yet, because this was only a vision, they still seemed to look at you, though they had nothing to look with.

Fainting in the church was apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back. While Hannah recuperated at home, a mob formed. When she awoke that night, she heard the voice of Bill Tilghman talking in the hall outside her room.

“No, you’ve got to go now, James. They won’t wait two weeks.”

“But she’s my daughter!”

“They are coming tonight. They are coming and they are going burn her! That scene in the church- it- well, it was enough.”

It was during their preparations to leave that the mob had come. Her mind drifted back to the purse. ’30 dollars.’ Se mumbled as she clutched the purse in her sleep.

“Just please go.” Her father’s last words.

And again in her dream she saw the faces of the two as they barged through her father’s door. Two evil skulls the color of onyx. Two scarred and burnt men with hate in their hearts and black deeds on their minds. She had escaped them. Even if they were here on the train now, they could not hurt her. She had escaped them. She had escaped.

The train jostled as it slowly pushed through the snowfall and inched its way across the bridge. The conductor, not expecting the quake shifted clumsily and bumped into Hannah. Perhaps to cover his mistake, he asked her for her ticket. Hannah awoke and as she wiped the sleep from her eyes she looked up to him. His face was completely sheared off and in its place a grisly mask of blood and muscle remained. He put his hand forward and she could see it was badly burnt, so burnt that it was barely recognizable. Hannah shrieked, causing the passengers in the cabin to turn to look at her. Their faces were all burnt too. Some were without heads. Others had heads, but were contorted in the most unnatural way.  She covered her eyes to hide the hideous sight, but the sights still came through, as if her hands were not there. She pulled them down from her eyes and saw that they too were burnt, so badly destroyed that only charred bones existed where once there had been flesh and blood.

Suddenly Hannah understood the meaning of the visions.

She let out a bloodcurdling scream but it was drowned out by the blast of the steam whistle on the number 2 engine. The events foretold in her vision were already in motion, and past the point of no return. Three cars up, the first engine had just passed over the broken bridge trestle causing it to give way. The engineer of the second engine gave one final blast of the steam whistle as it uncoupled from the lead engine and plunged into the abyss below. From the other side of the bridge, the #1 Engineer could only weep and stare on helplessly as each car, in turn, plunged off the gap, down into the burning wreckage below.

-Baconcat

Tuesday Night Open Thread

Hey gang. Hope you had a wonderful day and are getting some rest, or at least having another drink. I am going to leave you tonight with some nice classics from The Mills Brothers.

If you every tell anyone about The Grand Inquisitor’s sappy, sentimental side she will have to take you out. Have a wonderful night, friends. See you in the morning.

Organized Hacking Contest: Pwn2Own

Hacking is usually an ‘underground’ sport, something nerdy Eastern Europeans do in their mother’s basements. The only time a hacker would come together to meet another hacker would be on an IRC channel. Not so anymore, with conventions like Defcon, Blackhat, and CanSecWest.

CanSecWest has an interesting contest. A hacking contest. The targets are the most common browsers: IE, Firefox, Chrome, and Safari. A new feature this year is the addition of smartphone hacking: Apple iOS, Windows Phone 7, Google Android, and BlackBerry OS. In total there is $125,000 in cash prizes. Another cool aspect of the competition: if you hack the computer running the target browser, you get to keep the laptop.

Like any good contest, there are the favorites. Charlie Miller, a software analyst from Baltimore has won the contest 3 times before. In 2009 Miller took down Safari running on an Apple in 10 seconds! He scored $10,000 and a laptop for his troubles. “Nils” (The contest allows anonymous entries) – a German computer science student, won last year, cracking Firefox, Safari, and Chrome in less than 10 minutes. In 2009, Nils broke the encryption for IE 8 the day before it was released, netting a new Sony laptop and $5k. George Hotz, the 21 year old who broke the Playstation 3’s copy protection (not to mention being the first person to ever jailbreak the iPhone) will be competing this year.

The biggest challenge this year is Google’s Chrome browser. Chrome runs in a ‘sandbox’ mode in Windows (basically insulating bugs in Chrome from affecting the underlying Windows system.) Google has put up $20,000 if someone can break Chrome’s sandbox mode in the first day.

Contests like this just aren’t cool in the computer security world. They provide vendors with information on how to improve the security of their products. When someone hacks a browser/device they also share technical information on how they did it with the contest organizers, TippingPoint. Details on the hacks aren’t released to the public until the vendor has time to fix the bug.

Pwn2Own runs during the CanSecWest conference, being held in Vancouver CA between March 9-11 2011.

Crass Gossip: Tuesday’s Titillating Tidbits

A-do a-yuh appreciate alluson’s alliteration?

  • Brooklyn’s Mitch Davie, while at a Braves-Blue Jay spring training game, caught a flying bat one handed while in the stands. More importantly, Mitch appears not to have spilt his Red Stripe beer while doing so. Follow the link for epic crowd flinch face.
  • Charlie Sheen continues to be bat shit crazy (warning: Perez link). No more Charlie Sheen updates. I feel scummy.
  • I disagree!: Sean Parker, founder of Napster and former president of Facebook, portrayed by Justin Timberlake in The Social Network, says “a billion dollars isn’t cool.” Please allow me to be the first to volunteer for being uncool. Via Huff Po and full interview with Financial Times available here.
  • Teen Mom’s Leah Messer seems to be adjusted well being a mom, being on Teen Mom, having twins, having a child with disabilities, and y’know, being a teen. Although her non-stop weeping over her daughter on the show irks me, I give this young mother a lot of credit. Interview available at Radar.
  • Sharon Osbourne and the ladies of The Talk were on Piers Morgan Tonight and Piers kept trying to get them to talk about Charlie Sheen. The ladies refused, but since Piers Morgan is a jackass, he kept pushing the issue until Sharon commented “”I know how it feels to love someone like that, and the sadness, and the damage it does within a family.” That’s no exaggeration, and we know Sharon speaks from firsthand experience. Video available at Popeater
  • David Arquette, despite his car crash the other day, seems to be OK. If you’re a sadist, you can see pictures of David immediately after the crash, laying on the ground. There’s something about this I dislike immensely, but I’m struggling to articulate.  At his AA meeting, David reported received his 60 day sober-chip. Good for him. [Via Page Six]
  • Click here to see Gary Busey’s butt crack. You’re welcome!
  • This is the tame version. Click through link to see some nekkid.
  • Wocka Flocka Flame gets nekkid, with his gold chains covering his manly bits, for PETA’s “Ink, Not Mink” campaign (cause he’s covered in tats, get it?!). Waka says ““Understand where that fox fur came from before you spend $1,000…someone got their head beat in and electrocuted.” When is Lil Wayne posing? I wanna see Lil Wayne booty! I bet he’s got a great tattoo right on his..never mind. [Via Just Jared]
  • At left is Wocka’s (is that how we say it?) tame version. Click here to see him in all his gold chain dangly goodness.

 

 

 

 

 

  • Matt Bomer is so, so, so sexy. Neil Cafferty makes my heart go pitter patter. What does a girl have to do to get a celebrity lover around here? (Also, yes I’m aware he may be gay. Don’t ruin my fantasy.)
  • From across the pond, Prince William and Kate Middleton made a visit to Belfast in Northern Ireland, where Kate tossed a pancake. Seriously. [Via People]
  • Real Housewives of Orange County is back! I don’t watch this regularly, but I do appreciate the original brand of crazy, and will always catch a rerun here and there. The ladies did not disappoint last night, with Gretchen/Tamra awkwardness at some setup party and Gretchen/Alexis spatting in the limo. [Via Blogitinity]
  • Chuck Norris thinks we are geighing the children up too much and teaching them to be sluts-in-training. [via DListed]
  • Alan Simpson, former WI senator and co-hair of the Deficit Reduction Committee (seriously? there’s a committee?), renames Eminem and Snoop to Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog, respectively. Old people are so silly! Video here for a chuckle.
  • Today’s is International Women’s Day! Who is your female hero? Mine is my mom. Seriously. Other than her, probably FLOTUS. If she ever lowered herself to their level and engaged in an actual debate with Palin and Bachmann, I have a feeling she’d wipe the floor with both of them. Share your female heroes in the comments.

Programming Notes:

Are we okay with Perez links? I know generally people think of him as pretty scummy and I actually stopped visiting after the will.i.am situation, but he’s all about the love and light these days and his posts are noticeably less caustic.

Also: Thank you ALL for the encouraging and kind comments on my first gossip post. Seriously, you really made my day. I was very nervous about how it would be perceived and you guys were sweeter than pie. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For my fellow gossip-lovers: Right now, the following people have expressed interest in gossip roundups: EthologyNerd, GtCosita, bboston88, and ihatediamonds. If I forgot you, let me know in the comments. If anyone else wants be a gossip-whore too, chime in the comments. Originally, EthologyNerd and I were going to try some sort of collaborative effort, but if we have enough people, then perhaps we can each take a day. Here is my suggestion (pending editors okaying), and you guys let me know: Everyone picks day that works, that person starts the post by 12pm.  If I don’t see something started by then, I’ll start one. If I don’t start one within that time, someone else can pick it up. Submit to pending by 5:30-6pm at the latest. If someone can’t do their day, they say something in the Open Threads and someone else can pick it up. Thoughts? Editors, do we like this?

Palin: Africa Rumor a Lie

In an interview with the BBC out yesterday, the former half-term Governor of Alaska, failed Vice Presidential Candidate and mother of the most embarrassing Dancing With The Stars contestant ever, remarked that the rumor that she did not know Africa was a continent (and not a country) was a fabrication by “jerk” staffers.

Next, she’ll be suing Tina Fey for impersonating her during the infamous Katie Couric interview.

Sarah, wouldn’t it be simpler to just read a book once in a while?

Link: BBC.

Tuesday Drive Time Open Thread

Why hello there Crasstalk. Hope you are getting through it so far and are ready to relax for a bit. We had some wonderful posts go up today, so please look around and repost us to your social media thingies (hint, hint). It will make the Grand Inquisitor love you more than she already does (if that is possible).
Here’s some Strangers with Candy love to start off your evening.

Have a great night.

The Other “Mother’s Day”

Correction: Though the observations below were correct at the time of writing, they have now been rendered somewhat moot as Jezebel acknowledged International Women’s Day in an article posted at 12:35 P.M. My apologies.

In what must have surely been a lack of judgment borne of caffeine deficiency, I checked Jezebel for the first time in months this morning to see if they’d have a post about the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day, seeing as how they are supposedly a feminist blog. The sound of crickets was as palpable as it was predictable, though they did have some lovely posts about Lily Allen’s eating disorder and how sharing photos on Facebook affects your self-image.

But I’m not here to compare Western feminism to the late Roman Empire or lament its decadent decline into a trendy and degenerate blogosphere variety that is devoid of any sense of history or intellectual underpinnings and relies mainly on shallow sarcasm and a fixation on policing the most vapid aspects of our culture as an attempt to justify and intellectualize one’s interest in them. Because today is not about that. Today is about the achievements of women worldwide, and the serious struggles many of them still face.

To say it’s ironic that many in the United States have never heard of this holiday would be an understatement. For although the first official celebration of International Working Women’s Day took place in 1911 across several German-speaking nations, its origins lie in the National Women’s Day organized and celebrated by the Socialist Party of America in 1909. Rosalind Rosenberg, a history professor at Barnard College traces it back even earlier, to a protest held on March 8, 1908 by 15,000 female garment workers in New York City’s Lower East Side. It was in 1910, at an international women’s conference in Copenhagen, that the day acquired its international character.

As the holiday gained recognition and popularity across Eastern Europe, particularly in the newly established USSR, it quickly lost ground in the United States, first with the unpopularity of the Socialist Party’s opposition to US participation in World War I, and later when the Red Scare made the word “Socialism” into anathema. But even in the Soviet Union, where I grew up, the socialist character of “8 Marta” was never in the forefront – at least no more than it was in any of our other holidays. Rather, we mainly celebrated it as an all-around “Women’s Day” – Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day rolled into one. But we also remembered the unimaginable sacrifices and hardships our mothers and grandmothers had endured during World War II and their invaluable contributions to our victory.

"Day of Women's Uprising Against Kitchen Slavery"

International Women’s Day was not formally recognized in the United States until it was established by the UN in the 1970’s, and even since then, it has barely registered on the radar. However, on the eve of today’s centennial celebration, President Obama not only called on Americans to observe the day, but proclaimed the entire month of March to be Women’s History Month. On the same day, Secretary of State Clinton launched the “100 Women Initiative”, gathering 100 women from 92 countries for a three-week professional exchange program in the US.

It is as important today as on any other day to take note of the injustices that still keep one-half of the world’s population in a subordinate state. But in light of recent events in Wisconsin and Ohio, I think it is also particularly relevant to remember this holiday’s origins as International Working Women’s Day, and to stand against the obstacles that workers – especially female workers – face in their struggles for a more just and equal society.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go call my mom, and then my grandma.

Spirituality Corner: Embracing Solitude

“It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for the last seven years, but before that, I lived alone for several years. While I’ve grown to love the closeness of living with someone, I often find myself feeling relieved when I have some extended time for myself. There’s a breathing out that happens, and for a few days I just let my hair down (so to speak), let the dishes pile up in the sink and unwind whatever way I feel like doing. After that initial phase of embracing my inner escapist, I get back in gear with renewed enthusiasm.

The world isn’t set up to nurture people who enjoy solitude. This is a highly ironic truth given the fact that more people than ever before are living alone. Whether by choice or by circumstance, all they can do is make the best of their situation. I would like to suggest that embracing solitude is a tremendous spiritual tool. After all, we come in to this world alone, and we leave the same way; in between, we may as well grow accustomed to our intrinsically solitary natures.

There’s a delicate dance, though, between embracing solitude and becoming a lonely, isolated hermit. The key is to remain engaged with others (in person is preferable, but via telephone or internet is better than not at all) while enjoying the stillness and serenity of being alone. Of course, it’s much easier for a person who is in a relationship and lives with her partner to tout the joys of aloneness. I recognize that it’s harder to be isolated when it’s not your first choice. All I’m suggesting is to make the most of it, rather than being at the effect of its potential to induce moroseness.

If you’re alone and in a funk, try a little reverse psychology: think of the times you were amongst people and it made you absolutely miserable. Then think of the benefits of being by yourself. Make lists if you need to; the point is to engage in active appreciation of your solitude. Then, when you’re amongst a group of people, you can easily call upon the insights culled from being by yourself. This is always useful because, as Ram Dass famously said, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

Top image here.

Behave Yourself In an Animal Shelter

This is (hopefully) the first in a series of articles about animal welfare and animal care. More and more people, and it seems, a lot of Crasstalkers, are opting to rescue dogs or cats. This is fantastic. However, in every shelter I’ve worked in, I have seen some of the most ridiculous behavior ever…and not by the animals. Wanna adopt? Great. Here’s how to make sure you actually save a life instead of making a shelter worker’s miserable.

1) Come in with an open mind

Maybe you’re looking for a specific age/breed/color. A lot of shelters have online request forms you can fill out and be notified when an Afghan hound puppy is available for adoption (hint: you will be waiting a while in that case). Maybe you don’t know what you want, but then see a dog that is just adorable. Either way, keep in mind that the way an animal looks or behaves in its run or cage is in no way indicative of its behavior outside of it. Staff members often know these dogs and cats very well. They’ll try to help you find a good fit.

That said, be realistic about your lifestyle. If you want a dog that will sit on the couch while you comment on open threads all day and a volunteer tells you that young Meth Lab needs 2 hours of aerobic-level exercise a day, take them at their word. Otherwise you’re going to need a lot of Xanax. For you and the dog.

2) Do not complain about the adoption fees or the adoption process

Almost every shelter is either city-run or non-profit. No matter which type it is, the animals aren’t eating filet mignon and playing with solid gold Kongs. In one shelter I worked at, the adoption fees literally did not cover the cost of caring for the animal during its stay. If there isn’t a vet clinic on site, you may be asked to pay for the spay or neuter, typically at a reduced price.

I say this in the nicest way possible: Shut your mouth. You’d pay thousands of dollars at a pet store for a mentally and physically unsound dog. You’re paying two hundred dollars for a dog that’s likely been vetted and temperament tested. Plus, you’re giving a homeless dog a new start. That’s worth it.

And the adoption process? There’s probably a form to fill out. Less complex than a 1040EZ, but more complex than grabbing a kitten and leaving. There are a lot of reasons for this. Firstly, just like at your job, records are kept. Secondly, we want to make sure you’re not starting a dog-fighting ring. There may be an interview, or a home visit, or a vet check. Again, this may be annoying if little Jazzlyn wanted a kitten for Christmas and it’s Christmas Eve, but Jazzy will have that cat until she drops out of Bennington after that debacle with her professor. She can wait two days.

If you don’t have thirty cats, keep your pets’ vaccinations up-to-date, and have good intentions, you’ll be able to adopt. The procedures probably aren’t in place because of you, but we don’t know you. So humor us and be patient.

3) Ask questions, and don’t tolerate rudeness

Lots of shelter workers and volunteers are overworked, and the phrase “I hate people” is only heard more often in the back of a restaurant. They see things…terrible, terrible things. So they can sometimes be abrupt or rude. That is not a reason, however, to allow yourself to be bullied, condescended to, or rushed through an adoption process. A medium-sized dog’s life span is, on average, 10-12 years. A cat, 14-16 years. That’s a hell of a commitment. So if you have questions about temperament, habits, health, or anything else, don’t hesitate to ask.

Tell the staff what your deal-breakers are (scratching? Biting? Barking? Jumping the fence?). They may not always know an animal’s background, but then you can take into account just how many unknowns you’re comfortable with. Any issue that concerns you is an issue you should address before you find out the dog they said was “kinda housebroken” is actually not. The staff says the dog you’re looking at is destructive? Ask NOW what that means. If it means the dog is going to claw a 3′ x 2′ hole in your bathroom wall, decide how much spackle you’re willing to purchase.

If the person you’re working with is nasty, ask to talk to someone else. And if everyone is unhelpful, go to another shelter. If they don’t take the time to help you find the right match, another shelter will.

4) But do understand the staff does know quite a bit

“I’ve had dogs all my life.” “My cat didn’t have a urinary tract infection so of course I didn’t take it to the vet; it wasn’t using the litterbox because it was angry with me.” “Rubbing the dog’s face in its poop is the only way they’ll get housebroken.” Okay…no. Along with keeping an open mind about which animal you adopt, keep an open mind regarding any advice the staff has.

Some shelters are volunteer-only; volunteers may still be a valuable resource for information regarding animal behavior and medical care. If you like a dog that isn’t housebroken, but you have no idea how to house-train, they can tell you how to do it, and reputable shelters will still help you with questions and concerns even after the adoption.

Paid employees are trained to do this for a living, and while they make less than McDonald’s employees, they do know a whole lot more. If they suggest that adopting a three-month-old puppy is not a good idea because you are working eighty-hour weeks, listen. If you come in espousing corporal punishment for your dog (or cat-I have heard that one too), and you are completely adamant that there is absolutely no other way to teach an animal, you are not going home with one. Guaranteed.

5) Be honest

This last one is more of a moral issue, but lying results in the worst kind of experience for both staffers and potential adopters. If your dog hasn’t gotten a rabies vaccination in five years, tell us. We’ll find out when we call your vet. If you’re honest, and get them up-to-date, you’ll probably be able to adopt. If you have four cats but say you have two because you think you won’t be able to adopt another one, and then we find out you lied, you’re not getting that cat. If you’d been honest and your town allows five cats, you would have been able to adopt.

If your last five pets got hit by cars, or you gave them away, say so. I’m not going to lie (see? I’m so MORAL!): you probably won’t be able to adopt, but you also need to step back a bit and think about whether making a lifelong commitment to the health and welfare of a pet is something you’re able to do right now.

If you get caught in a big lie, and it’s been made clear that you won’t be able to adopt a pet, graciously see yourself out. Fervent begging will not help. Yelling obscenities or threatening anyone will result in the police showing up. For God’s sake, please don’t just head to the shelter down the street. Lots of shelters share their “Do Not Adopt” list with each other, so we’re on to you. Instead, go get a fish, and work your way up from there. When you are ready to accept the responsibility of pet ownership, be honest and explain how things are different. We really do want these guys to get adopted- even the nicest shelter isn’t a home.

Oh, and don’t come in drunk or high. We’ll mess with you and make fun of you the whole time.

Get to adopting!