Great. The Oscars are over. The uninspiring, extremely predicable, “every movie everyone said was going to win…did!” big award show is done. So after all the pomp and circumstance with Melissa Leo’s totally affected wacky-for-wacky sake acceptance speech, Portman’s unsurprised reaction, and Colin’s barely registering stone-faced joy, do you feel any better today about movies than you did a year ago having witnessed Hollywood’s big night? I didn’t think so.
We’re currently 60 days into the New Year, and Justin Bieber’s movie Never Say Never is among the best reviewed movies of 2011 so far. Blitzkrieg by the Bieb! I’d like to say that if this is the best Hollywood can do, why even try? But honestly, you can’t blame the Biebs. His movie success is just the result of what seems like the laziest time in cinema history, ever. So much so, Nick Cage snuck in last week with a movie about a baby, a lady, and driving crazy, and it barely caused the gag reflex to flare. Seriously. It’s gotten to the point where Nick Cage can do that thing, with that thing on his head, and that permanent confused scowl on his face, and we shrug our shoulders because there are like fifteen similarly bad movies currently onscreen right now. There’s no reason to single out Nick Cage. And if you can’t single out Nick Cage then we’re mostly doomed. Don’t believe me? Take a gander at the current box office numbers.
But assigning blame is hard. Is it the movie execs? Are they so obtuse that they just assume, “Ha-ha, Nick Cage and Adam Sandler, the two top movie stars of all time, THEY ARE AUTOMATIC GREENLIGHT MATERIAL!” Yes, I think that’s it, because apparently they believe what we need is the following:
Die Hard 5: 20th Century Fox is going ahead with this idea, because Bruce Willis still thinks we care about Hudson Hawk! No, really, why is he doing this? We’ll never know. It appears once you say “Yippee-Kay-Ay Motherfucker!” once or twice, the need arises to say it again periodically like the need to change an air filter or something. I just imagine Bruce sitting at home and in the distance some alarm goes off that lets him know that he must say those exact words or a man will lose a hand inside a painting, or a zombie Hans Gruber will come back looking for a mustache trimmer, and a bleary-eyed Willis, hopped up on pudding and grabbing for his Rockports, will just start screaming,”Yippee-Kay-Ay Motherfucker!” Yippee-Kay-Ay!” Yes? Yes. But, what we really need to ask ourselves is what youngish star will debase himself as the comedic element in this well-worn shoe heel? Because you can’t just have a frantic Willis trying to stop terrorists by himself. Some twitchy nerd has to forget the important key codes while the Willis gargle-talks about something not happening on his watch. And just in case you weren’t sure of the direction of this film, Skip Woods writer of Swordfish and Hitman, and who also co-wrote The A-Team and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, will be on board as writer here…so basically it will be hot garbage.
Firestarter: Since they’re running out of Science-Fiction movies from the 1980’s to remake, Firestarter is next up. And just why not? We haven’t been quite inundated with supernatural kids yet, right? Oh, wait, there’s going to be a whole X-Men thing happening pretty soon won’t it? Then there’s some sort of Sucker Punch movie, and that awful thing about being Number Four. Okay, well, nevermind. Onward Hollywood! Kids with the powerrrrsss are next in line to be destroyed with suck! Seriously, though, this was a great little film starring an enigmatic eight year-old Drew Barrymore as the pyrokinetic Charley, and David Keith as her mutant nose-bleed father. I pretty much like it as is. But Universal says they’re developing this remake to take advantage of “recent visual effects advances” so that the “main character [will] be reinvented with a little more edge.” I’m guessing the original didn’t have enough computer generated explosions, or 3D lead spikes flying out of the screen. So now I assume (Elle Fanning?) can make all the cars go boom in an edgy way, whatever that means, because well, Dakota is just too old to be a fire-wielding cherub since she’s a red-eyed, sparkly-faced, vampire gnome person, and 2D is for unevolved Old Gawker peasants. Obviously Universal has hired Nick Denton as their creative director.
Soapdish: Well, here’s an idea! No, this is not an idea. I really can’t fathom a reason why someone would want to remake Soapdish. It was a mostly meh kind of zone-out movie to start with. Set in the early 1990’s, and starring a very shrill Sally Field, a between benders Robert Downey Jr., and Whoopi Goldberg just because. Mostly this thing was like a strip-mall movie! Something you go to see on a Sunday when you’re done your yearly shopping at Sears for new underwear. And really, why now? Are there even any soap operas left on television? (Yes, yes, I can hear James Franco yelling some stoner-garble from the NYU rafters.) So I guess the decline of the soap opera as opera could be a premise for this silly reboot, but I just don’t think many of us need another slapstick film that seems like a perfect vehicle for Kevin James. Soapdish will be written by actor-turned-writer Ben Schwartz, responsible for several episodes of Robot Chicken and who also won an Emmy in 2009 for writing Hugh Jackman’s Academy Awards monologue. Quite a résumé! No, really, James will need Bear Claws at the craft services table.
Choose Your Own Adventure: I loved these books, didn’t you? There was nothing better in grade school then reading one of these with a box of Nerds candy, right? They were super duper awesome! Now Hollywood thinks it’s ready for the big screen. Well, what! How will this even work? Is there a way for the viewing public to make decisions about movies while they’re watching them that I don’t know about? Well, hell, if that’s the case I would have said, “No, no, make Natalie Portman die sooner! What the hell is with that mattress? Let’s push that stupid dead swan bird off a fucking cliff!” So, yes, uh, I don’t think this technology is available yet. So that defeats the whole purpose, eh? How am I supposed to be interactive if there are no options? Well, new movie production company, Red Crown, believes that perhaps they can do it like the 1985 Comedy Clue, which based on the board game, gave each theater a different ending out of several possibilities. Um, okay. You know what, though? AL GORE HADN’T INVENTED THE INTERNET IN 1985! So I’m thinking that once all the endings are shown for the first time some dingus will hit up his fooozebooks account and say, “Wow, that was sweet! The pirate goes into the cave, finds the treasure, and then attempts to steal the princess, but he’s foiled by Gawain the bawdy hero, but not in the other three versions. The total opposite of that happens in the other versions, which I have seen and will tell you about, FIRST1111!!!!”
Yeah, so I dunno Red Crown, I see problems in the offing. And well, I think Tim Curry is probably too old to run around another old mansion telling four different stories. Producer Daniela Taplin Lundberg has signed on and judging from the success of her Golden Globe-winning movie The Kids Are All Right, I expect Choose Your Own Adventure (working title, I hope) to be a bit angsty but smirky and full of lesbians, so there’s that.
Hollywood Redemption?
Gypsy: So it’s rumored that La Streisand could come on board and play Mama Rose in a remake of Gypsy. Now, I don’t find this to be the worst idea in the world. While I don’t think anyone can top Rosalind Russell’s performance in the 1962 film, (If you have not seen this version you simply must, and while you’re at it, watch Russell in Auntie Mame…simply glorious.) I like Streisand when she’s being her musically comical self, not so much when she’s Fockering her Focker. I enjoyed her films back in the day, and think she’d do a formidable job as Rose. I have a feeling seeing Patti LuPone in the role could change my mind, but well for now that’s not the rumor. Sucks for Lupone, because I’m sure unlike the Producers, her turn onscreen could probably be a great thing for modern Broadway transforming into cinema.
However, the fly in this Gypsy ointment will probably be Lea Michele. There is no way on the whole of this planet that Lea Michele wouldn’t take the lives of fifteen goats and nine honey badgers to play Streisand’s striptease daughter Gypsy Rose Lee in this movie, and then we’ll be subjected to what could be the most saccharine, ear-splittingly over the top performance since Nathan Lane last appeared anywhere. And I’m not mentioning Burlesque as a similar medium unless it’s to say that Stanley Tucci would make a terrific Herbie in Gypsy, because he’s fantabulous.
Les Misérables: I adore this story. And the rumor mill is pounding with news that director Tom Hooper of The King’s Speech, would like to remake Les Misérables. Yes, yes, it’s been successful onstage and on film — the most recent film version — 1998’s offering starring Liam Neeson as Jean Valjean and Geoffrey Rush as Javert. Sure 1998 wasn’t all that long ago, but it’s a great story that could use updating if done well. They should erase the participation of Uma Thurman and Claire Danes (Just Ugh!) for instance, and draw the characters of Fantine and Cossette a bit better with a couple of the stellar up and coming actresses on the horizon right now — Michelle Williams, Jennifer Lawrence, you get the picture. That would be a solid improvement. And well, Neeson and Rush are large shoes to fill, but I’m guessing Christian Bale would give one of ’em a shot. Sigh.
Speaking of which, what has happened to Liam Neeson? Why is he now doing one word action thrillers? Taken! Unknown! This seems silly for an actor of his caliber. Leave this to Gerard Butler, he has nothing left to salvage. Nonetheless, I’m throwing my support behind Les Mis, unless they do something stupid and try and modernize it with Miley Cyrus and Channing Steakum Dancepants…then well, I’ll throw myself into La Seine. End scene.
Superman Rebooted Reboot News: Kevin Costner may be in this. Speculation lends itself to Costner playing Jonathan Kent, which I can see. He’s of the right age now, what with his ruddiness and gruff exterior, and he’s not really knocking ’em out of the ballpark like he once did movie wise, so Costner kinda needs a good anchoring, yet high profile role. Why not start with being the adopted daddy for the son of Jor-El? This is a good thing because I’m not sure we really wanted to know what new contraptions he’s built for his urine since the 1990’s. But hey, I guess he used it to help with the BP oil spill so there’s that and Dances with Wolves for forever! Go Costner!
That’s it for this week, kids! Mostly things still suck, but if you like old-timey things then there’s hope. If you don’t, well, Michael Bay is releasing a movie about fart-making robots, their stuttering Monchichi human companion, and any number of equally awful and irascible dumb things that explode and give you migraines! Go read a book.
With all of the rocks arranged and the spray paint spittled, all of the teams were off to a football (aka “soccer”) stadium where they had to change into the traditional native garb, kangaroo outfits with bouncy feet. As the Cheerleaders demonstrated, it is physically impossible to look hot in a kangaroo costume. If I was the parent of a teenaged daughter, I would require her to wear a kangaroo costume at all times. Yes, I know, this might make her a furry, but still, it’s gotta be better than having her walk around with “Juicy” on her ass.
