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NBA Western Conference Playoff Preview

It took just about all 82 games to figure out, but here he how the final seeding ended up for the Western Conference:

1. San Antonio Spurs

  • Last season: Lost to the Phoenix Suns in the Conference Semi-Finals
  • This season: Best start in franchise history and had the best record in the league until the very last game of the season. (The Bulls ended up 62-20 and the the Spurs ended up 61-21.) However the team lost six in a row this season for the first time since the Tim Duncan era.  The Big 3 of Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili spent much of the season healthy, but all suffered injuries toward the end of the season. Duncan missed 4 of the 6 games of the losing streak. Ginobili hyper-extended his elbow at the 2:14 mark of the first quarter of their season finale against Phoenix on Wednesday.

2. Los Angeles Lakers

  • Last season: NBA Champions
  • This season: Went 17-1 immediately following the All Star break, but then lost 5 in a row and barely beat out the Junior Varsity Spurs squad and needed overtime to beat the Sacramento Kings in their season finale.
  • Notes: I can’t help but wonder if the Lakers will be able to “turn it on” for the playoffs. One last match up with the Spurs on Tuesday, could be a potential Western Conference Final preview. However, the Spurs have the #1 seed locked up and Coach Gregg Popovich chose to rest his starters. Lost Andrew Bynum to a hyper-extended his surgically repaired knee in Tuesday’s game versus the Spurs. Bynum suffered a bone bruise and is expected to available for game one of the first round.

3. Dallas Mavericks

  • Last season: Lost to the San Antonio Spurs in the first round
  • This season: Re-signed Dirk Nowitzki after some speculation following the early and unexpected playoff exit at the end of the 2009-10 season. The Mavericks lost Caron Butler to a knee injury in early January and Coach Rick Carlisle says a first round return for Butler is highly unlikely. The Mavs have not beaten a Western Conference playoff team since January 19.
  • Notes: Despite being the third best team in the West, behind the Spurs who have been having a franchise season and the defending champions, it seems as though Mavs fans have given up on the post season. A recent article in the Dallas Star-Telegram pegs the Mavericks as “an aging team trying to slap together one last miracle run for Dirk Nowitzki.” Could it be true? A series of playoff runs in the 00s, including 2006 playoffs when they were up 2-0 on the Heat, shows the Mavericks as a team built only strong enough for the regular season. You know what they say, always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

4. Oklahoma City Thunder

  • Last season: Lost to the Los Angeles Lakers in the first round
  • This season: The acquisition of Kendrick Perkins at the trade deadline seems to have given the Thunder the inside presence they were lacking. Despite the top 3 teams going through their own struggles, the Thunder have won 16 of their last 20 games. Proving that this young team is one that could cause problems for some of the older teams in the West. (Side note: After watching the All Star game, my roommate and I now randomly scream out “Durantula!” ) This team is scary as they are young and up and coming. They have a long time to be a powerhouse in the Western Conference.
  • Notes: Denver Nuggets Coach George Karl hopes to avoid the hot Thunder and play the Mavericks in the first round. The team has won 5 in a row and looks to make it 6 as they play the Milwaukee Bucks in tonight’s season finale.

5. Denver Nuggets

  • Last season: Lost to the Utah Jazz in the first round
  • This season: The team spent most of the season dealing with the “Carmelo drama.” Most people might have expected a complete collapse after losing their franchise player, but the Nuggets are 17-4 since the trade. The Nuggets and the Thunder are playing well going into the playoffs and whoever makes it to the second round will prove to be a tough opponent.

6. Portland Trailblazers

  • Last season: Lost to the Phonenix Suns in the first round
  • This season: LaMarcus Aldridge was probably the biggest All-Star snub this season. Despite having only Marcus Camby being the only player on the team with deep playoff experience, this team will be bothersome to the Dallas Mavericks in the first round. Do not be surprised if this is the team in the Western Conference to pull the upset.
  • (Side note: When was the last time Greg Oden did anything to be effective? Besides as a bench warmer? The man made $6.7 million this year doing nothing. I know, I know he’s injured, but he will always be one of those players we’ll wonder, “what if?”)

7. New Orleans Hornets

  • Last season: Did not qualify for the playoffs
  • This season: Started out just as hot as the Spurs with a 12-5 record through November, but went through at 7-9 slump in December and their play has been so-so ever since. A perennial favorite in the Western Conference since Chris Paul joined the team, this season has been slightly better than last.
  • Notes: Owner George Shinn gave up control of the team to the NBA shortly after the season started, leaving many to wonder if we’ll be looking at the Kansas City Hornets in a couple of seasons.

8. Memphis Grizzlies

  • Last season: Did not qualify for the playoffs
  • This season: Ended with a record of 46-36, improving 6 games in the win column from the 2009-10 season.
  • Notes: The Grizzles are 0-12 in the playoffs, having been swept by the Spurs, Suns and the Mavericks in the first round. After a four year absence in the playoffs, the Grizz are making a return. Even though they are the eighth seed, the Grizzles are not to be taken lightly this year. They split the season series with both the Spurs and the Lakers and won the series against the Mavericks, 3-1.

Here’s what I think will happen: Spurs, Lakers, Nuggets, Trailblazers make it out of the first round, though not without a fight. If any of these series go less than 6 games, I’ll be surprised. Trailblazers and Spurs in the Western Conference Finals and then the Spurs to play whoever comes out of the East. Could I be wrong about the Spurs? Sure, but as a life-long fan, I have to believe.

Start Me Up: Formula 1 Roundup

By badhatharry and Daisy Walker

Another F1 season is upon us. If you are one of like three people here who watch it, then you already know this stuff.  If you want to learn a bit about the pinnacle in racing, then come on in. I was hoping to get this up before this weekend, but I’m a lazy bastard, so suck it.

The Formula 1 track contains 24 driver, the most of which you don’t really need to know about.  The ones who you do, are listed below.

Lewis Hamilton (McLaren)

The first multiracial F1 driver, Hamilton was signed to the McLaren youth development program at the age of 13. He made his debut in 2007, finishing second in the World Championship by one point. The following year, he won the title by the same margin in what many claim as the most exciting season finish ever. Has a major rivalry with Alonso, who accused McLaren of favoritism towards then-teammate Hamilton during the 2007 season.

 

 

Jenson Button (McLaren)

The 2009 World Champion, Button has been a bit of a F1 journeyman until partnering with Ross Brawn at the old Honda team and caught lightning in a bottle. An expert at conserving his tires, Button’s smooth style is a sharp contrast to Hamilton’s aggressive approach, but new teammates’ appear to have a good relationship. Button was the victim of an attempted carjacking/kidnapping/robbery at last season’s Brazilian GP weekend.

 

 

Fernando Alonso (Ferrari)

Two-time World Champion, Alonso’s aggressive driving style has won him plenty of fans and also many detractors. Controversy has followed him throughout his F1 career, including conflicts with Hamilton, Schumacher and his current teammate Massa. He is often referred to as “the most complete driver on the grid,” but also a driver who will win by any means necessary.

 

Felipe Massa (Ferrari)

Rebounding strongly from a life-threatening injury at the 2009 Hungarian GP, Massa has finished as high as second in the World Championship (2008). At the 2010 German GP, Massa was involved in the “team orders” controversy at Ferrari when he received instructions from a team engineer that implied he should allow Alonso (ranked higher in points) to pass him. Ferrari were subsequently fined for not following sporting regulations.

 

Sebastian Vettel (Red Bull)

Defending World Champion, and at 23, the youngest ever to win the title. Hailed as the “Next Schumacher,” Vettel is now firmly established as the lead driver for his team after some mid-season tension with Webber in 2010.

 

 

 

Mark Webber (Red Bull)

After 6 years with uncompetitive teams, Webber won his first F1 race in 2009 after joining Red Bull Racing. After leading the Championship for a long period in 2010, he eventually finished the season in third place. Webber crashed spectacularly at the 2010 European GP, flipping his car end over end. He also revealed after the season that he had competed in the final four races with a small fracture in his right shoulder.

 

 


Michael Schumacher (Mercedes)

Seven time world champion (five of those with Ferrari), the German returned to F1 last year after a three year retirement to join former Ferrari team manager Ross Brawn at the new Mercedes team. Results have been less than stellar, and he’s frequently been outclassed by his younger and less experienced teammate, Nico Rosberg.

 

Robert Kubica (Renault)

In February 2011, Kubica was severely injured in a rally race event, almost losing part of his right arm and hand and requiring four surgeries. His F1 future is uncertain, and Nick Heidfeld will replace him  at Renault during Kubica’s recovery.

 

 

(everyone give a shout-out to Daisy Walker for writing those driver bios)

The season opener this year is in Australia.  It was going to be held in Bahrain, but pick up a paper, and you’ll find out why that didn’t happen.  Bernie Ecclestone, the rich Englishman with the mop haircut who owns the commercial rights to the sport, is trying to figure out a way to shove that race in later in the schedule.  Bernie is also toying with the ridiculous idea of installing sprinklers on the tracks so if the race is boring, they can turn it into a wet one.  The drivers, and everyone else with an IQ above 80, are against this.  The tire supplier for this year, Pirelli, supports this idea, because I think they feel it will take focus away from the fact that their tires don’t last very long.

There are two drivers to a team.  The drivers race and accumulate points based on what place they take.  The points are tallied at the end of the season, and the driver with the most wins the driver’s championship.  The points of each driver on a team are tallied, and whichever team has the most between their two drivers wins the constructor’s championship.  Last season was Sebastian Vettel and Red Bull, respectively.

That’s it for the overview.  We don’t want to hit you with too many facts all at once.  This column will either continue throughout the season, or until they stop posting it due to lack of interest.  In the next installment, we will discuss the outcome of the Australian GP, and what KERS is and what moveable wings are.

The Amazing Redemption of Charlie Davies

The main reason Baconcat loves soccer so much is that it seems, pound for pound, to produce more heroes, villains and goats than any other sport. It also produces them on the world stage. This last world cup (and qualifiers) alone produced strange scenes like Hondurans flooding the streets of the capitol city Tegucigalpa to chant the name of an American player (Jonathan Bornstein), as well as making Luis Suarez the most loved man in Uruguay and the most hated man in Ghana for stopping a sure goal with his hand. Countries have gone to war over the outcomes of these games.

This past Saturday, as I stood in RFK stadium in Washington, DC, to watch my beloved DC United open the season against Columbus, I witnessed another great moment in soccer: the resumption of  Charlie Davies’ once-great career, cut short by tragedy. After all, it was only 18 months ago that I was watching another game at RFK stadium; a world cup qualifier, no-less. It was this game that became known as ‘the Charlie Davies game’. Not because the United States striker scored a hat-trick, or had a dramatic winner, or even played, but because he had almost died the night before in a drunk-driving accident. The night before Charlie had stayed out late partying with friends (in violation of curfew), then got into a car with a drunk driver. It only took a second to ruin 2 lives and end a third. The accident was so severe that when the police arrived they originally thought it had involved two cars. It didn’t, it was just that the car had been cut in half by the impact. Charlie Davies somehow survived, but another passenger wasn’t so lucky and died at the scene. As is often the case with these kinds of accidents, the driver was the least injured.

So the game went on with out him the next day, while he was unconscious and recovering from surgery to repair his lacerated bladder, broken fibula, femur, elbow, cheekbones and bleeding brain. He would later be shown how at the 9th minute of the game he would have certainly started in, thousands of fans lifted up placards with the number 9 on them (his number) in unison.

Photo courtesy of Matt Mathai
Photo courtesy of Matt Mathai

What followed was more surgeries and agonizing physical therapy. His team, Sochaux of France’s top flight, was very patient. They wanted him back, but they didn’t want him to rush. After all, the injuries had been so severe they had to peel his face back in order to reconstruct it. But Charlie was driven. He confidently predicted he would play in the world cup, a mere 9 months away. After all, he was a crucial spark for the men’s national team. His rehab was nothing short of miraculous, but sometimes miracles aren’t enough. The world cup happened without Charlie. The injuries were just too severe. His own Sochaux, knowing how long he would be out, had gotten two new strikers as backup. The new season started and these strikers were keeping Charlie on the bench. Time passed and Charlie’s struggles disappeared from the news. Missing the world cup had been especially tough. 9 months without a game became a year. It began to seem as if his recovery, monumental as it was, might fall short of playing soccer again.

Then, in a move that caught the rumor-happy world of US soccer off guard, he was offered a trial with DC United, a team in need of it’s own redemption. The 4-time MLS champions had just finished a year that had seen the club set records for futility (lowest goals scored in a season) and suffering (lowest points total in their 16 year history). In a rare move, Sochaux allowed DC United a full week to try Davies out before agreeing to a loan. If Davies just didn’t have it anymore, DC could decline the move and pay nothing. The week passed and everyone at DC was exceptionally closed lipped about the trial. Did Davies still have it? Was the confidence there? Davies scored, but it was a practice game against a local college. The week came and went and on the day of the signing there was no news. Rumors swirled, but it looked like he had done enough to make the team. It took another week to sort out the details of the loan, but Charlie had indeed made the squad.

And so it was that last Saturday in the 50th minute of DC United’s season opener, Charlie Davies entered the game as a substitute. His first entry into a game since 2009 almost went unnoticed because the home crowd was celebrating a goal scored 30 seconds before. Most people realized he was in the game only when the announcer broadcast it over the speaker a minute later. The crowd erupted with a cheer. Ten minutes later that eruption would become volcanic. His teammate Chris Pontius took a pass and burst into the penalty box where he was cut down by a defender, a clear penalty. While Pontius was on the ground rubbing his smarting ankle, captain Dax McCarty took the ball to the penalty spot. Davies walked up and asked for the ball. “I need this.” he said. McCarty gave him the ball. Davies set it down on the spot, waited for the referee and slotted it calmly past the keeper.

He had scored. 2-0 DC United.

No matter what happened, he had scored on his first game back since the crash. That was something real, something that could not be taken away. His first meaningful touch since the accident had been a goal. Penalties are never easy. Consider what would have happened if he had missed: the doubting would start. Questions would be asked. But he didn’t miss. It wasn’t in the run of play, but it was just the kind of thing strikers need to build their confidence and lead to more goals.

Another ten minutes later that confidence paid off. United back Marc Burch played a long floating ball down field. Columbus’ standout fullback Chad Marshall (and fellow national team member) seemed to have it under control as the ball came floating in, but Davies made a quick burst to Marshall’s left, then another to the right. Marshall naturally tracked with Davies, but Davies’ motion was too fast and it seemed to fluster Marshall who over-corrected and lost his balance.  As the ball sailed over the prostrate Marshall, Davies deftly stopped it with his left foot and blazed in on goal. The Columbus goalie rushed out to take it, but Davies again showed his speed and burst sideways past him. Davies then twisted his body around to get the shot off and watched with joy as it sped past a Columbus defender and into the open net.  3-0 DC United. There was no containing the joy in the stadium. Full beers flew up into the air as the stands bounced up and down and 20,000 strangers hugged each other. Davies was swarmed at the corner flag by his teammates. The comeback was complete.

Charlie Davies’ 2 goals.

Columbus managed in the late stages to pull a goal back, but they were never in the game. Davies had put the game out of reach for them with his brace. When the whistle for extra time came, a tired but happy Charlie Davies walked towards the fans, toward the section hat had held up the thousands of number 9 cards the day after his accident. He raised his hands to applaud them, a tradition in soccer. There was a smile on his face and tears in his eyes. The fans who had been there for him while he sat prostrate in a hospital bed had been there today. Together, they shared this moment. In soccer, as Liverpool fans sing, you never walk alone.

Crassballin’: Bracket Contest Standings Update

We’re already in the second third round of the NCAA tournament, so I thought I’d give you all a Crassballin’ update. Here’s the current Top 10 as of Saturday afternoon:

We had a total of 62 entries. Also, notice that 7 of the top 10 scorers so far are ladyfolk. Apparently you don’t actually need balls to dominate at Crassballin’. Continue reading

A Viewing Guide to Days 1 and 2 of the NCAAs

Assuming that you have access to cable TV destination truTV, the NCAA has made it possible to watch every single game in the first two rounds of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournatment. (Sorry, it’s the first two rounds.  That mess the last two nights does NOT count)  Great, right?  Well, it still doesn’t account for the fact that many of the games run concurrently, and, in the first two days, some of them are out-right dogs.  I’m looking at you, Kansas-Boston U. Admittedly, the networks do a decent job of staggering, but some games are a bet to be better than others.

Chances are, you don’t have a legit dog in this fight, as some 280 Division I schools don’t make the tournament.  So, what to watch?  You’re busy, and probably too lazy to drag a second or even third television into the same room to put them all up together.  Let’s take a look at the schedule and highlight the stuff worth watching:

March 17 

Early Games

12:15 p.m.: East Region: No. 5 West Virginia vs. Clemson, CBS
12:40 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 8 Butler vs. No. 9 Old Dominion, truTV
1:40 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 4 Louisville vs. No. 13 Morehead State, TBS

The pick:  Butler v. ODU.   Butler went to the title game last year, remember?  Some people think they’re better than the 8 seed they received, and others think they’ll be bounced in the first round.  8-9 games are generally closely contested, and I don’t think anyone believes that WVU will have much trouble with a Clemson team that’s probably at least a little gassed from playing late Tuesday and making the trip to Tampa Bay from Dayton.

Mid-Day Games

2:10 p.m.: West Region: No. 7 Temple vs. No. 10 Penn State, TNT
2:40 p.m.: East Region: No. 4 Kentucky vs. No. 13 Princeton, CBS
3:10 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 1 Pittsburgh vs. UNC-Asheville, truTV
4:10 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 5 Vanderbilt vs. No. 12 Richmond, TBS
4:40 p.m.: West Region: No. 2 San Diego State vs. No. 15 Northern Colorado 

The pick(s): Ugh, is it any surprise that these games are on in the middle of the work day? Nobody outside of Pennsylvania wants to see PSU-Temple, and unless Princeton has some magic, Kentucky might run them off the floor in the first 15 minutes. You’ll have to hope that Morehead State gives Louisville some run in the 1:40 game, at least enough to get you to Vandy-Richmond at 4:10.  This one has potential, simply because for as great as the SEC is in football, you can’t trust them in hoops outside the states of Kentucky and Florida most years.

Post-Dinner Games

6:50 p.m: Southeast Region: No. 2 Florida vs. No. 15 UC-Santa Barbara
7:15 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 3 BYU vs. No. 14 Wofford, CBS
7:20 p.m.: West Region: No. 3 Connecticut vs. No. 14 Bucknell, TNT
7:27 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 4 Wisconsin vs. No. 13 Belmont, truTV 

The pick: Now things get interesting.  The Jimmer Show starts at 7:15, and if he gets going early, you might as well stick around.  Heck, he tends to score in bursts, so if Wofford sticks around for the first 10 minutes, it could be fun.  Otherwise, make your way over to ‘The tru” for Wisconsin-Belmont, which has a lot of folks pick as a trendy upset.  Belmont can flat shoot it, and Wisconsin couldn’t break 40 against Penn State in the Big-Ten tournament.  In other words, don’t let the seeds fools you.

Night-Time Games

9:25 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 7 UCLA vs. No. 10 Michigan State, TBS
9:45 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 6 St. John’s vs. No. 11 Gonzaga, CBS
9:55 p.m.: West Region: No. 6 Cincinnati vs. No. 11 Missouri, TNT
10:05 p.m.: Southeast Region: No. 5 Kansas State vs. No. 12 Utah State, truTV 

The Pick: Christ, CBS, thanks for cramming three potentially good games into the last hour.  Here, I’d toggle between the first three games until KSU-Utah State tips.   Utah State is another situation where I advise you to ignore the seeds.  USU was ranked in the top 25 for a while this season, and again, if they get hot, they could make KSU sweat.

March 18

Early Games
12:15 p.m.: West Region: No. 4 Texas vs. No. 13 Oakland, CBS
12:40 p.m.: West Region: No. 8 Michigan vs. No. 9 Tennessee, truTV
1:40 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 2 Notre Dame vs. No. 15 Akron, TBS 

The pick: Happy Friday!  These games suck.   MI-TN is the only one with any potential here, I think, and Michigan is awful.  Want to see an 8 seed who probably should have been forced to play a play-in game?  Watch Michigan. Go out to lunch instead.

Mid-Day Games

2:10 p.m.: East Region: No. 8 George Mason vs. No. 9 Villanova, TNT
2:40 p.m.: West Region: No. 5 Arizona vs. No. 12 Memphis, CBS
3:10 p.m.: West Region: No. 1 Duke vs. No. 16 Hampton, truTV
4:10 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 7 Texas A&M vs. No. 10 Florida State, TBS
4:40 p.m.: East Region: No. 1 Ohio State vs. No. 16 UTSA/Alabama State 

The pick: Arizona has probably one of the more exciting athletes in the tournament in Derrick Williams.  Memphis will run with them though, so it will probably be the most entertaining game of this bunch.  Texas A&M-FSU will be interesting only in that someone has to win.

Post-Dinner Games

6:50 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 16 Boston University, TBS
7:15 p.m.: East Region: No. 2 UNC vs. No. 15 Long Island, CBS
7:20 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 3 Purdue vs. No. 14 St. Peter’s, TNT
7:27 p.m.: East Region: No. 6 Xavier vs. No. 11 Marquette, truTV 

The pick: Xavier-Marquette.  Really, the other three games will probably be blowouts, and Marquette is probably better than an 11 seed, but not quite good enough, if I was picking (and I did).

Late Night Games

9:20 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 8 UNLV vs. No. 9 Illinois, TBS
9:40 p.m.: East Region: No. 7 Washington vs. No. 10 Georgia, CBS
9:55 p.m.: Southwest Region: No. 6 Georgetown vs. No. 11 VCU, TNT
10:05 p.m. East Region: No. 3 Syracuse vs. No. 14 Indiana State, truTV 

The pick: Illinois is not a 9 seed.  Seriously, the Big-Ten is not that good at basketball.  Go UW-UGA here.  Washington’s Isiah Thomas is cold-blooded, and they just knocked off Arizona, so this will likely be the most entertaining of this bunch.

As always, though, keep an eye on the scores. CBS, as a rule, has always done a good job of keeping viewers informed of when something special is happening or about to happen.

And lastly, if you haven’t done so yet, you still have a short amount of time to sign up for the Crasstalk March Madness Bracket on CBS. The password is honeybadger.

Update (4:50PM)-Congrats to A Piece of the Continent, for being the only person in the Crassballin’ Bracket to get each of the first 4 games correct. Jerk.

Crassballin’: The Official Crasstalk March Madness Bracket Contest

Is there anything better than March Madness? The upsets, the nail-biters, the non-stripperish cheerleaders from small town Kentucky. The NCCAA tournament truly has it all.

We’re going to spend the next few weeks pondering the insane ramblings of Billy Packer. We’re going to wonder what sort of brown liquor Bob “Huggie Bear” Huggins drinks with his breakfast every morning. We’re going to spend countless hours considering the most efficient method for murdering the Plumlee twins (Answer: wood chipper). And best of all, we’re going to figure out a way to convince ourselves that our shitass school is destined for Final Four greatness.

We call it Crassballin’. Continue reading

How to Properly Nurture Your Duke Hatred

A hatred of Duke University and its White Blue Devils (I’m feeling nauseous already) burns deep inside of all right-thinking human beings. We are naturally repulsed by Duke to such an extent that it is now part of our natural evolutionary instincts. From the womb, we we enter this world already detesting Danny Ferry and Steve Wojochowski and (oh god, I’m going to vomit) Coach K.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE CRASSTALK MARCH MADNESS BRACKET CONTEST

But while a low burning sensation is natural, a true Duke hater knows that he or she must refresh that hatred before each and every fresh NCAA tournament. Here’s a simple plan for how to really get yourself worked up with frothing, irrational, lovely Duke Hate:

1. Start by focusing on this year’s team.

You would think this one would be tough some seasons, but no. Literally every single season Duke fields a team full of various jagoffs, D-bags and other unlikeable goons and bozos. This year I recommend you spend a few minutes watching the thoroughly awful Plumlee Twins throw elbows and complain to the refs every time a call goes against Duke.

Good grief, extremists

2. Stare into the cold, dead, soulless eyes of Coach Mike Krzyzewski.

Do it for just a few seconds. Not too long, though, or you’ll be eternally raped by the ghost of J.J. Redick.

History's greatest monster

3. Reminisce about all the old Dukies you used to get so much pleasure from hating.

That’s the beauty of March Madness: It’s a great opportunity to fondly remember all those past seasons of hating Danny Ferry, Jay Bilas, Christian Laettner, Cherokee Parks (Oh god, I can taste the vomit trying  to come up), Bobby Hurley, Steve Wojciechowski, Jason Williams, J.J. Redick….. I could go on and on.

Sometimes around this time of year my dreams often involve a big honorary alumni game at Cameron Arena/Gymnasium Indoor Stadium that is attacked by a swarm of flying psychedelic sharks that kill everyone ever involved with the White Blue Devils. A boy can hope….

4. Read an intellectual takedown of Duke University.

This is always fun. Thanks to Duke’s irrepressible striving to be at the top of various magazine rankings and other superfluous bullshit, their overall creepiness always comes out upon close inspection. Witness Caitlin Flanagan (who is, I’ll admit, somewhat crazy herself) get worked up about the overall vibe of Duke while discussing the Karen Owens fiasco in a recent issue of The Atlantic Monthly:

In 2009, GQ magazine named Duke America’s second-douchiest college, a distinction that came with a caveat: “They’re probably number one. But we’d rather not rank Duke number one at anything.” It’s difficult to argue withGQ’s thinking on either score; something ugly is going on at the university—a mercenary intensity that has been gathering strength for the past two decades, as the institution made the calculated decision to wrench itself into elite status by dint of its fortune in tobacco money and its sheer ambition. It lured academic luminaries—many of them longer on star power than on intellectual substance—built a fearsome sports program, and turned its admissions department into the collegiate version of a head-hunting firm. (I was a college counselor at a prep school in the ’90s, and the zeal with which Duke gunned for our top students was unseemly.)

In some respects Duke has never moved on from the values of the 1980s, when droves of ambitious college students felt no moral ambivalence about preparing themselves for a life centered largely on the getting and spending of money. With a social scene dominated by fraternities and sororities (a way of life consisting of ardent partying and hooking up, offset by spurts of busywork composing angry letters to campus newspapers and taking online alcohol-education classes), with its large share of rich students displaying their money in the form of expensive cars and clothing, and with an attitude toward campus athletics that is at once deeply southern (this is a part of the world where even high-school athletes can be treated with awestruck deference by adults) and profoundly anti-intellectual, it’s a university whose thoughtful students are overshadowed by its voraciously self-centered ones.

SEE? THEY’RE A BUNCH OF RICH, DUMB, RAPEY PUNKS WHO WEAR BURBERRY AND DRIVE BMWS. NOTHING AT ALL LIKE MY SCHOOL!

5. Watch one of the many, many anti-Duke montage videos on YouTube.

The lower the production quality and more immature the jokes… the better.

CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE CRASSTALK MARCH MADNESS BRACKET CONTEST

Crassballin’: How Not to Pick Your F*%#ing Bracket

Today is Christmas wrapped in the Super Bowl surrounded by endless waves of Kentucky Derby roses for gambling professionals, casinos, Hoboken wise guys, and offshore sports books. This is the day when the non-gamblers gamble, the day when grandmas, toddlers, the comatose and Nepalese Sherpas all gather round the television and fill out an NCAA basketball tournament bracket without knowing the difference between Duke and Duquesne or a chance in hell of actually winning the office, school or neighborhood pool. Continue reading