Do you still have that dress? You know the one I mean. Elegant, satiny, a little bit revealing. I was always asking you about it — even though you hardly ever wore the thing. Tell me it’s still in your closet.
Well, you can’t really tell me, of course — because I’m asking you here to wear it to my funeral. So I’m just going to assume you still have that dress. And that it still fits the way I remember. Continue reading
I’ve had friends of various types throughout my life. But the first time I ever encountered the phenomenon of internet-only friends — “nonlocal acquaintances” — was about six years ago. Continue reading
You know those anthropomorphic Real Dolls that are in about 50% of the creepy shows on TLC? As was pointed out by a likely owner, the Real Doll FAQ is gives an interesting insight into the thought process of a prospective Real Doll owner. Let’s take a look and analyze. Continue reading
Most of us have been dumped. Sometimes it’s a long time coming and you’re not all that surprised. Sometimes it comes out of the blue (for you) and you’re stunned. Every so often it comes shortly after you were seriously considering doing the dumping, but decided against it, mentally recommitted yourself, only to have all that work be for naught.
No matter how it comes, these are the five stages of being dumped. Duration varies based on how fucked up your dumping was/your level of crazy. Continue reading
Research has now concluded that the reason why modern women have gained weight steadily in the last 45 years is because they don’t push enough vacuums around the house anymore. Oh, good grief. Continue reading
Your friend, your cousin, your boss, your next-door-neighbor has just suffered one of the commonest calamities of life: being dumped. Do you say anything? And if so, what do you say?
As many times as you’ve heard and read and learned that “I’m sorry” is always okay and always welcome, it feels somehow inadequate. Well, here’s the thing, nothing you can say is truly adequate. That is why it can be so difficult to say anything at all. But we try, oh do we try. And often, we screw up. Continue reading
St. Tropez, the tanning brand that apparently also doubles as an enchanted witch’s mirror, has released a study that claims every Wednesday afternoon women look their worst due to all the carousing and boozing they’ve done over the weekend. Nice that they can pinpoint it to the exact minute, eh? Continue reading
This post was submitted to us on the condition that we not disclose the author’s name. ~ Eds
Originally posted October 12, 2011
By the time you read this, it won’t really make a difference. Tomorrow, I will kill what some people would consider to be my unborn child. To me, tomorrow marks the day that I get rid of a parasite. Is that inflammatory to say? Yes, of course it is. I know it is. But for me, at this point in my life, this thing that has taken residence inside of me is not even a fetus as of yet—it’s just an unwanted little creature that has taken control of my body without my permission.
Sure, you could say that by having sex, I gave control of my body over to Mother Nature, but the truth is that this can happen to anyone no matter how safe you are. It doesn’t matter if this was the result of having tons of sex with my boyfriend or a couple of one night stands in the past couple of months—the numbers game remains the same no matter what your relationship status is, and Mother Nature doesn’t give a shit about how many sexual partners you have when you’re fertile. Continue reading
I helped my oldest friend throw a Halloween bash. Costumes were de rigueur, and Sid’s condom get-up won best male costume. I somehow beat out the werewolf whose father was a dentist and made him false-teeth fangs. The woman who won best female costume as a vampire fooled around with one of my friends on the couch, where they passed out and she peed all over both of them in her sleep.
The skeleton (no pun intended) crew of friends who helped set things up for the party picked up the keg early, around noon. We tapped it by 1:00 p.m. It was largely gone by the time guests started arriving in the evening, so we had to get another. There was also a cash bar for liquor. The brother of the friend hosting the party later said he drove through the area and knew my friend must be having a party when he saw people throwing up on the museum around the corner. Continue reading
Men and their OKCupid plight has been a churning topic in the blogosphere for the last couple of days. Well, that, and this other weird email the website sent out in honor of today’s end of the world day which asks if you want to die alone, which seems like a sad, sad statement about singledom that we’ll just leave right there. But we’ll say that for all of us marrieds out there, there may be a certain level of bafflement when it comes to the online dating world and how men and women fare in it. Groups of so-called nice guys are adamant that they’re not getting a fair shake. Is that true? And if so, what should they be mindful of? Continue reading