Television

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Glee — “Sexy” is Subjective

Prologue

The thing about Glee and high school-centered shows in general is that almost every episode teaches some heavy-handed message to the characters, and if we’re lucky (read: not lucky), it teaches us viewers a lesson. Some messages that Glee has forcefully taught us in the past include: You really shouldn’t drink so much (especially not in school!), The Rocky Horror Picture Show is fantastic (duh!), prissy girls can never be fashion icons, your hot girlfriend is cheating on you with a sexy mohawked dude, and when you begin to doubt your style, dress like Lady Gaga (sound advice, in my opinion).

So when you judge a high school comedy-drama (I will not use the word “dramedy” guys and I will verbally shank any commenters that do), it’s only fair to judge it on a scale that consists only of series/movies that center on high school. On my scale, Glee is middling to high-middling and without the music, this show would suuuuuuuuuck. You could imagine my horror when I saw that next week’s episode is going to include (only? only some?) original music. Who are the producers kidding? I only watch this nonsense to see these beautiful fools warble songs that I like and make tolerable the songs that I hate. Without any preformed opinions on a song, I’m just going to assume that it blows and I’ll sit there rolling my eyes and sucking my teeth until my face hurts.

But I digress. In the spirit of high school special messages and lessons, I’m going to recap Glee by talking about what I have or have not learned. Whether or not that correlates to what I’m supposed to have learned is something that we’ll ascertain together (or not at all. Who cares!). I hope you’ll join me on this cunty motherfuckin’ ride because watching Glee alone and not making fun of it is just about the saddest thing I can think of.

 

Season 2, Episode 15: Sexy

(Ed. Note: UGH. THAT TITLE.)
What I Learned
  • Emma is the prudest prude that ever pruded. God damn! I’ll give her some credit though. Because of her, I learned that you can say “hose monster” on television. I also learned that the writers are fools if they think that anyone can be with John Stamos for four months without doing dirty things all over his body. I don’t buy it. They’re laying this EmPrissy thing on a little thick, especially considering her saucy little “Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me” number with Will in “The Rocky Horror Glee Show.”

    Not just for teenagers anymore!
  • Sue Sylvester likes her sugar with coffee and cream.
  • Santana and Brittany like to cuddle to the TV version of Sweet Valley High. Who knew that high school girls also fantasize about twins? The More You Know!
  • Will’s an asshole. Well, OK, we already knew that, but he totally proved it AGAIN. When Gwyneth (I DON’T KNOW HER CHARACTER’S NAME AND I DON’T CARE) was doing a surprisingly good rendition of Joan Jett’s “Do You Wanna Touch Me,” Will looked on in alarm and held up a little sign that said something like “Hey, being inappropriately sexy with the students is my thing, bitch.”

  • I learned that I don’t care about Puck and that other girl. BORED.
  • Finn & Quinn: EQUALLY BORED. I mean, they’re good looking and all but their names rhyme, for the love of god.
  • Jazzercise is still a thing that people do.
  • Gwyneth thinks that if you’re celibate, you’re lame, naive, and possibly frigid. I’m starting to like this chick.
What I Haven’t Learned/Remaining Questions
  • Why the hell did they start a chastity club? And why did this club—which is pretty typical of Christian groups (whether Evangelical or LDS)—only have two members: The Second Coming of Barbra Streisand and The Girl Who Gave Birth at 16? Was this an excuse to make a chastity-charms-as-nipple-rings joke? If so, worth it. More likely than that, though, is that the sudden inclusion of the chastity club is meant to serve as a catalyst for John Stamos to leave Emma Pillsbury so that the sexual (hah! as if!) tension between her and Will can annoy us to death anew.
  • Why have the writers made Gwyneth Paltrow so likeable and funny? I mean, “My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster,” an Ani DiFranco joke, and asking Emma about her feelings for Will in front of sexy John Stamos. We’re trying to dislike Her GOOPiness over here, jerks. For the record, I’m just going to pretend that Gwyneth is not playing a character at all and she secretly works as a substitute teacher in Ohio to quiet some deep ache in her soul that isn’t being quelled by actressin’.

    Yikes. Don't quit your day jobs.
  • Will & Gwyneth sing Prince’s “Kiss” while dancing the tango and all I could think is “This is fucking blasphemy.” It was like watching retired couples on a cruise learning to tango, rejoicing in what they think is super sexy but is actually kind of horrifying. I mean, it’s sexy for them, I’m sure. But very few intentionally sexy moments on TV actually come off as sexy for the viewer. And the tango? REALLY? ANYWAY, they kiss “passionately” after their dance in front of the musicians. God, they act like those musicians aren’t even there. Who are those damn musicians, anyway? Are they teachers? Students? Homeless people? Ex-convicts in a work program? Illegal immigrants with hands too soft and beautiful for manual labor? If you don’t have money to get to competitions, fire those dudes and buy a fucking boombox already.
  • I need more information on Mike Chang’s abs. Get to work, Glee writers, it’s important.
Miscellany
  • LOL @ “Afternoon Delight.” Just everything about it. Apparently, Emma et. al didn’t watch Arrested Development (figures, thanks a lot).
  • While performing with The Warblers (LOL THAT NAME), Kurt was making these diva-scream faces and gesticulating like a bootleg Christina Aguilera. Gay Guy That Isn’t Kurt was making horrified faces mid-performance like “Y U SO gay Kurt?” Naturally, all of the girls that they perform for swoon over Not Kurt and Kurt is all hurt feelings all the time. (P.S. Added thing I learned: People have created the portmanteau “Klaine” and fangirl[/fangayboy] about it constantly. At least they were wise enough not to go with “Blurt,” though “Blurt” accurately conveys Kurt’s total sexlessness at this point.) Blaine goes to Burt’s dad to ask him to give Kurt his damn birds and bees talk already, resulting in a super awkward dad-son talk. Kurt’s dad says, “Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter”  and as a semi-reformed ho, I resent that.
  • What we all want to talk about is Brittany and Santana, right?
    Santana + Brittany 4eva

    I don’t blame you. I was honestly surprised that they addressed their relationship; I was convinced that it was going to be just some little Sapphic gag that the writers would continue to play up without ever dealing with it in a serious way. However, their relationship took a really charming and sweet turn last night. They consulted with Gwyneth about their sexual and romantic confusion and as a result, Santana dedicated a song to Brittany in the chorus room. And you know what? It was so fucking adorable, I was thisclose to feeling real feelings, guys. While Gwyneth sang “Landslide” with the two girls flanking her on their stools, Santana gazed at Brittany with meaning and you know what? It was romantic. Certainly more romantic than any other crap this show has ever attempted to package as romance. Later in the episode, Santana walked up to Brittany in the hallway wearing a laughably fierce hooker outfit—skin-tight pink zebra print mini-dress and a black leather jacket—only to give an earnest profession of love (and make an Indigo Girls crack—do high schoolers know who the Indigo Girls are? ‘Cuz I barely do and I’m 26). When Brittany turns her down as nicely as she can because she loves Artie, Santana ripped into my soul with her teenage words of wisdom: “Whoever thought that being fluid meant you could be so stuck.” Damn, girl. Damn.

Where Are They Now? “Full House” Edition

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By DahlELama and The_Obvious

What ever happened to predictability? The milk man, the paper boy, evening TV? You may miss your old familiar friends, but they’re waiting just around the bend!

Bob Saget as Danny Tanner

It’s tough to say which of the cast members was most excited about the end of Full House, but the smart money would go on Bob Saget—the man behind the Tanner patriarch—who immediately set about proving to the world that the hug-loving clean freak they knew was actually a filthy horndog with the mouth of Andrew Dice Clay firmly embedded in his Stephen Colbert face. From his raunchy SNL monologue to his mind-boggling entry in The Aristocrats, no one has worked quite as hard to shed his Full House persona like Saget, and nowhere has it been quite as fun to watch as in his guest spot on Entourage. These days, Saget can be heard but not seen as the voice of 2030 Ted Mosby on How I Met Your Mother, which really doesn’t make any sense, but whatever.

(Assume all Saget links are NSFW)

John Stamos as Jesse Katsopolis

If there is one constant truth in this world, it’s that John Stamos will always have better hair than you, capiche? That hair may not have held onto Rebecca Romijn, but it’s taken him to Broadway, the Beach Boys, his own failed sitcom, a starring role in ER (did they ever reveal what that stood for?), and his current gig, a recurring role as sexy dentist Carl on Fox’s We Have Regionals Every Week, Which We Can’t Afford, and Yet We Somehow Always Seem to Have New Uniforms. If you watch it for nothing else, watch it because Stamos does. Not. Age. Have mercy!

Dave Coulier as Joey Gladstone

You know the weird thing about Dave Coulier, besides everything? It doesn’t really matter what he does in life—and he has done stuff, from participating in random kids’ shows to failing at stand-up even worse than he did on the show to reality TV—because he will, forever and always, be known only as Joey and the guy who inspired Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know. These days, Coulier can be found* playing with puppets and doing Bullwinkle impressions for anyone who’ll listen.  We personally think it’s time to cut. It. Out! Quit it!  But not before he answers our question: how could you dump a girl who’d go down on you in a theater?

*Or maybe he can’t be found. We actually have no idea.

Candace Cameron as D.J. Tanner

Hearts around the World were scarred for life when Cameron co-starred in the made-for-TV movie No One Would Tell with Fred Savage, portraying a couple in an abusive relationship.  (“KEVIN ARNOLD WOULD NEVER HIT A GIRL, EVER!” one of us cried, and not the one you might think.) Like her brother Mike Seaver, Candice Cameron spent her post-childhood years finding men and God. Cameron ended up marrying NHL hockey player and super-Russian guy Valeri Bure. Together, they have 34 attractive blond children, a vineyard, and a very close personal relationship with Jesus. Cameron-Bure can now be seen on the really awesome ABCFamily show Make It or Break It, which is returning for its third season on Monday, March 28th, not that either of the authors of this post is counting.

Jodie Sweetin as Stephanie Tanner

Oh, Stephanie. While it was always clear that at least one of the cast members of Full House was going to fall prey to drugs, we kind of assumed it was going to be Kimmy, and that it would be something a little classier than meth, like crack. But someone had to be the meth addict with two divorces behind her before thirty, and probably because it worked so well for a book title, that role fell to Jodie Sweetin, author of UnSweetined and one-time host of the critically acclaimed* Pants Off Dance Off, in which The_Obvious contestants did stripteases for money. She is now engaged to Morty Coyle (real name) and has two daughters (one with Coyle).

*Slight exaggeration

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as Michelle Tanner

Say what you will about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, but they are nothing if not industrious. Not only did all of America watch them grow up from babies into living Bratz dolls, but they also bought their books and albums, watched their movies, coveted their clothes, featured them in their magazines and ad campaigns, and welcomed their designs into their closets and onto their runways. There’s not much these two haven’t done as adults (except wear properly fitting clothes, eat solid food, and smile) and they show no sign of slowing down, with Mary Kate appearing in this month’s Beastly alongside Alex Pettyfer and Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley continuing to focus on the twins’ multiple successful clothing lines, including Elizabeth and James (named after the siblings no one knew they had) and The Row.

Andrea Barber as Kimmy Gibbler

Hola Crasstalkerinos! So, who saw Kimmy Gibbler turning out to be a completely nice and normal stay-at-home mom with presumably non-smelly feet? We sure didn’t, but sure enough, the shock of learning that Andrea Barber did not in fact die with Zack Morris in a a tragic fictional accident paled in comparison to that of learning that she seems to be a wonderfully nice and well-adjusted woman who’s traded in ruffled skirts and neon tights for…whatever it is normal people wear.

Lori Loughlin as Rebecca “Becky” Donaldson Katsopolis

Everyone knows that when you move a pretty lady into an attic with Uncle Jesse, babies are gonna happen, but Lori Loughlin, the woman behind Aunt Becky, didn’t always have as certain a future. Although her workload was far more consistent than most of her co-stars, Loughlin seemed doomed to a life of guest appearances and terrible TV movies, followed by starring roles on series that barely lasted a season or two. (Although Summerland did also star Ryan Kwanten, so, call it even?) However, in 2008, Loughlin was tapped to star in the CW’s remake of 90210, cementing her as one of the only Full House alumni capable of getting work on network TV. Sadly, this will be Loughlin’s last year in the role of Debbie Wilson, but at least she got to make out with the poor man’s Ryan Gosling for a while.

Scott Weinger as Steve Hale

Riff raff, street rat, please don’t buy that. If only you’d look closer, would you see a dumb boy? No sirree. You’d find out, there’s so much more to Steve.

Scott Weinger might’ve played dumb as DJ’s boyfriend Steve, but in real life, the man whose animated form rocked a fez-vest-harem pants-combo like no one else graduated Magna Cum Laude from Harvard and went on to write for shows like the criminally underrated Privileged and what some might call the greatest show of our time, starring the greatest comedienne of our time, What I Like About You. He’s currently writing for 90210, which means he and Lori Loughlin are probably sleeping together, right? Right.

Blake and Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit as Nicky and Alex Katsopolis

An alarm sounded in a distant control room. A wave of panic washed over the director; he had not anticipated hearing this piercing noise. His pace quickened as he approached the door praying to God he would walk into a false alarm. His heart sunk as his worst fears were confirmed, that skinny needle that had never moved since his first day on the job was hovering over the ‘E’. Full House had run out of cuteness. Michelle was all grown up and drastic measures needed to be taken: Twins! Actually playing twins! We first learned these bouncing baby boys were on their way when Uncle Jesse uttered those classic words, “Cheese half ink a… hotdog!” This would be their first and last foray into acting. Nowadays, the boys lead normal lives and are doomed to never having individual wikipedia pages.

Buddy the Dog as Comet the Dog

From early on, friends told Buddy’s parents he should go into acting.  He was a charismatic and precocious pup with perfect comedic timing. (” What are Lindsay Lohan’s chances of getting no jail time? Ruff!”) Buddy grew up in front of the audience’s eyes and went on to star in the original Air Bud when a director saw him shooting around during down time on the set.  In 1995 he was recognized with a nomination for Favorite Animal Star at the Kids’ Choice Awards.  (Ultimately he lost out to Milo, the dog who starred in The Mask.  Rumors surfaced in The Enquirer that Milo humped the legs of the show’s producers; he was subsequently stripped of the award.) Buddy also has the distinction of being the second Full House cast member to poop on the set.  He has since retired from acting and lives on one of those nice farms upstate.

Miko Hughes as Aaron Baily

You may not recognize Michelle’s greatest frenemy, but let us assure you–Miko Hughes is what nightmares are made of. If you had difficulty sleeping in 1989, it was probably due to Hughes’ scalpel-wielding role as Gage Creed in Pet Sematary. Shedding his murderous image, he took a more wholesome role in Kindergarten Cop, delivering one of the Top 5 lines. Aaron appeared in 13 episodes of Full House. That damn acting bug seems impervious to all the Raid we sprayed and Hughes continues to take on small roles. When not acting, Hughes actively participates in Native American ceremonies across the country as a dancer at powwows. (This is surprisingly not made up.)

Jurnee Smollett as Denise Frazier

Winner of the “Guess who got hot?” award, Jurnee Smollett—a.k.a. Michelle’s friend Denise—may be the most prolific actor of the cast since the show’s end. Smollett, who’s one of six children, went on to star with her family in a show where they pretended to also be the siblings of a seventh guy who pulled a Mrs. Doutfire situation for their social worker, who he also wanted to bang, or something? (Don’t understand it? Don’t worry, we didn’t either.) From there, she went on to the short-lived Cosby followed by Friday Night Lights as well as feature films such as Eve’s Bayou and The Great Debaters, all the while guest starring on every medical drama in existence. She can now be seen playing Lisa Tyler on The Defenders, if you really want to watch that.

Tahj Mowry as Teddy

If you think it’s difficult living in the shadow of a successful older sibling,  try having two…who are also identical twins.  Sadly, Sister Sister Brother was not deemed to be catchy enough to provide Mowry with six seasons of lip gloss money the way it did Tia and Tamera, but Tahj was able to break into the spotlight as Full House’s adorable Teddy NoLastName.  Like Michelle’s other pint-sized pals, Tahj had some considerable success immediately following the show, starring as an annoying genius child in Smart Guy and other voiceover work, but once puberty hit and he grew into his ears, Tahj’s career slowed down considerably.  There is only room in Hollywood for one man with Big Ears, and that, our friends, is Will Smith. Tahj Mowry, you are no Will Smith. Now, as a surprisingly attractive adult, Tahj spends his days tweeting for Jesus. #FF @BigGuyintheSky.


And just because we love you…

 

DahlELama and The_Obvious are on an eternal search for Ben & Jerry’s Clusterfluff, the whereabouts of the baby from Raising Hope, and Platform 9 3/4. Anyone providing one or more of these three items will receive a personalized mixtape of “Songs for Wisdom Tooth Removal.”

How to Dress Like Brenda Walsh

You can’t talk about the ’90s fashion revival without mentioning Beverly Hills, 90210. Today’s designers are taking more than a little inspiration from the halls of West Beverly – many of their clothes seem to be taken directly from the angsty teen with a heart of gold, Brenda Walsh. From Minnesota to LA, Brenda had the perfect ensemble for any locale or occasion. Here’s how to make a few of them your own.

Summer, Summer, Summertime

June will be here any minute now.  You’ll need to look your best when you frolic on the beach, and nothing says summer fun like soggy denim.  You, too, can rock Brenda’s beach look above.  First, pick your shade of choice from American Apparel’s many-colored Stretch Twill High-Waist Side Zipper Shorts.  Let’s go with Butternut. Next, pair it with JCrew’s Stripe Button-Back Tee. According to the site, the tee is their It Silhouette of the season and everyone’s just mad over its “new boxy shape.”

To tie the ensemble together, you’re going to need a statement piece. Nothing says HBIC of the BHBC (Beverly Hills Beach Club) like a chunky belt buckle. This Melamed Vine-Buckle Belt from Sak’s is pricey, but looking better than that bitch Kelly doesn’t come cheap.

Too Sexy for Your Shirt

What if you’re traveling abroad and want to scream “sophisticated polyglot”? It won’t matter if your French accent is lacking when you’re wearing a chic peekaboo ensemble. Because when Jacques leans in and whispers “I can see your bra,” what he’s really saying is “Je t’aime.”

Brenda mastered the femme fatale look here:
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You can make it your own by pairing Urban Outfitter’s Pins and Needles Long-Sleeved Lace Top with the wide-strapped Vanity Fair Illuminations Bralette.

Warning: With a look this hot, Kelly will steal your style faster than she can steal your boyfriend.

 

Gotta Be Bold

Being a teenager is hard.  Sometimes Brenda had the weight of the world on her shoulders; other times, it was the weight of her blazer wearing her down.

Power shoulders cost power bucks. Try this strong-shouldered Paul and Joe blazer with shawl lapel for $254.11 from The Outnet. Balance those bold shoulders with Urban Outfitter’s whimsical Square-Knot Headband.

Some people may say Levi’s Relaxed Tapered 550 Jeans are more “mom jeans” than “California teen dream jeans,” but a certain summer of ’91 pregnancy scare reminded us that the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

 

Whatta Man

Of all her varied looks, you could argue that menswear chic is the Quintessential Brenda. Tons of brands let you sport this look today even if you don’t have a twin brother’s closet to raid.


If your mother is a TV icon and money’s no object, Paul Smith’s Spring Summer 2011 Collection will meet all your menswear needs. The line features oversized, jewel-toned suits, in addition to the Bengal striped classic shirt, Tromp L’oeil trousers and spot silk tie shown below. Ditch the polka dot tie for something more colorful and fun, like this Stefano Ricci Patchwork Mixed-Design Tie, available at Neiman Marcus for $635.

If you’ll be picking up extra shifts at the diner to finance your glam ambitions, don’t fret.

Stop by American Apparel instead and pick up their Unisex Denim Long Sleeved Button-Up Shirt and Micro-Poly High-Waist Pleated Pant. Then, head over to KMart and pick up a multi-toned Structure Paisley Tie.

 

Don’t Just Stand There; Let’s Get to It

All that’s left to do is hit the malls. If you keep these tips in mind, you’ll never spend the morning stressing over the perfect outfit again:

 

American Idol: Let’s Meet the Boys

Last night we all got to see the top 12 boys individually perform for the first time [you know, rather than in a half-assed montage]. From the start I knew I hated this year’s male line-up because Scotty McBarotone was there, but more on him later.  Also I’m sure that ‘new’ 360 experience induced feelings of motion sickness in many viewers.

The show began with JLo marching out in all her glory, only to be immediately taken down a notch by Seacrest. Something about how she cried last week, old news. Though I have to say, in comparison to previous episodes she actually looks pretty bad; that 1990’s hairstyle does not flatter her face structure and ear flaps.

Let’s fastforward away from Jlo and stupid banter [because we can do that] and get on to the mantestants and their TWELVE [oh man, so many!] performances.
– I provided pictures from their RW-style intro pieces for your reading pleasure.

1.  
Boy was Clint awkward, his brick-like giant red shoes stifled his hyper dancing so he ended up shuffling around like a zombie that’s craving the brains of a nerd with thick-rimmed glasses. Maybe it was the cheesy light-blocks behind him or the awful background accompaniment, but I didn’t like it. He added no soul to a song that is SUPPOSED to be soulful.  I don’t think he’ll do well in the next elimination episode for three major reasons: he went first in a long line-up [forgettable], he was mean to the insecure chubby kid in the group auditions, his glasses.

2.
This kid just sounded so awful. However, it may have just been me, because I think it takes me a few episodes to get used to how grating the backup music sounds on this show. As of now, it seriously reminds me of a poor version of Eurovision. Why does all the production value go to the lighting?  Whoops, I already forgot everything about #2 [can’t even be bothered to read his name].

3.
Oh god, so if you ever wanted to hear usher sound like shit, or listen to usher with bronchitis with accompaniment by your little sisters keyboard, here you are. Have fun with it.
I’m glad at least the judges didn’t like it, and I enjoyed the post-singing banter:

  • Jlo: “Is that who you want to be as an artist?”
  • Number 3 guy, “NONONONONOO, of course not! Forgive me for hurting your precious ears, JLo!”

Note: This is the same guy who was a complete jerk to all of his team mates during the group-auditions. During that stage, I don’t think he realized he not only has to succeed by getting into the semi-finals – but he also has to appear likable to a general audience.  However, America’s collective memory is decidedly bad, so if he keeps being attractive and ups his live performance abilities he’ll probably go far. America’s bad memory is why I gave two other reasons for why Clinty Glasses to do poorly in this competition, maybe we’ll all forget about how big of a jerk he is to chubsters by next week.

4:
Jim Halpert, no wait, Tim Halperin.  This is the first time I remember seeing him, though I didn’t watch the initial auditions nor the 2 hour long episode with the final 24 ‘reveal’.
I thought this guy was actually good. I was wondering if anyone’s vocals would be capable of compensating for the shitty theater acoustics and background music, but I think he pulled it off. And by that, I mean he was tolerable.  However, judges didn’t like it. No skin off my back because he made a boring song choice.

5.
Ew, this guy. I don’t know why he thought that whispering a Doors song while dancing and prancing around awkwardly was a good idea [are you convinced yet that he’s a forest pixie?] I love that Jlo called him out about how he flips his hair more than Willow Smith.

6.
High-note Asperger’s kid.
I was ready to pass him off as a less entertaining Shauvaghn (from last season), because he shares her tendency to make unnecessary high-notes in the middle/end of songs. But I was surprised how well his vocals paired with the shitty guitar music he sang along with. So I guess some voices do match perfectly with the AI house band. On the otherhand, I noticed his singing was altered to have an echo effect, does that count as an unfair advantage in a singing competition?  He’s not going to do well in the inevitable Frank Sinatra episode

Half-time intermission: I want to discuss how fantastic Jlo is as a judge! This new lineup is working perfectly so far, much better than the Abdul or Kara of season’s past. Maybe it’s because there is less time devoted to the judge’s incessant ramblings in these early episodes so they’re forced make their comments concise & clear, but for the most part the judges are behaving like they’re actually competent. Good on them!

7.
This kid is a good singer, but he could do with some more charisma. That is all.

8.
I hate Scotty McBarotone. It’s not an irrational hate, I swear!
a. He just doesn’t doesn’t deserve to be there
b. Baby lock them doors, it looks like he’s put on some self tanner in this episode [like the pompous jerk he is]
c. He has a chronic case of babyface so it looks like he stepped out of a Pixar film.

d. He doesn’t have any range to his voice and he can’t possibly sing anything that isn’t country. AI isn’t just a singing competition, it’s a versatility+charisma competition.

I’ll admit I was a bit pissed off that he sounded good in this episode. His time on the chopping block will come though, oh yes, it will come.

9.
Stefano was pretty good, mainly because he made a great song choice that heavily worked towards his advantage. He is basically a replicate of Bruno Mars, except he chooses to hold his notes for a longer amount of time.

  • I love how Jlo exclaimed “You’re a beast!!” after he finished his song. This kind of stuff is what makes me really treasure her presence.
  • When Ryan went to interview Stefano, he asked if the song was dedicated to anybody. Poor Stefano knew he had to let Ryan down lightly, so he saved face with some awkward stammering and then a gave hallmark-card worthy, “ITS TO ALL THE LADIES… REALLY.”

10.
I’ve never liked this guy’s high-pitched (and yet) raspy voice. It’s one or the other dude, you’re going to end up like those dudes in Maroon 5. Of course he sang a Rod Stewart song, but kid, you’re no Rod Stewart. To make up for that unchangeable detail he danced around the stage with his arms flailing about like he had a strange form of epilepsy.  Though I am impressed by how white his teeth are.

11.
We’ll be seeing more of this guy, he’s pretty fun to watch.  Top 5 material? Probably not.

12.
This guy made me laugh, even though it sounded like he was singing a prelude to beating up his wife. I guess that’s what the song was meant to do? This is the first time I’ve perceived that dark/jealous side to that song. Maybe that’s because of the influence Hocus Pocus had on my childhood. (my ten-year-old self is screaming out, “I put a spell on you is about magic! Not jealousy!”)

I love how was just yelling at one point, I was cracking up.

Do any of you crasstalkers even watch this show? Season 9 was the first time I watched a whole season since Kelly beat Justin. I think I was re-drawn to it because the top 12 were leaked and I wanted to see their progression from awkward auditions to being the ‘best’ of the season. Added a whole new level of drama, I guess. This season, I just let my TV addiction get the best of me.

So, how’d ya’ll like dem boys?

Getting Into The Chicago Code

In the era of serialized television, where every drama has to give us a tight narrative that builds up to a singular climax I have forgotten about the procedural drama, particularly cop shows. Many say that watching five seasons of The Wire ruined other shows like Law and Order for them, because the former attempts to ground us in reality as much as possible where good does not trump evil and storylines don’t end in neat packages. On the other hand, not all television has to be jam-packed with so much plot that it can be likened to a novel. The goal is to be entertained, so when I saw the aggressive promos for the new Fox drama The Chicago Code I made sure to hop on.

The Chicago Code is the brainchild of Shawn Ryan, who is only the creator of the second greatest crime drama of all-time, The Shield, which was also integral in paving the way for basic cable networks to push scripted dramas that dealt with heavier fare. So there was a good amount of hype and expectations that this show would live up to that standard of excellence, despite being on a Big Four network. Does The Chicago Code deliver on these expectations? Well, kind of.

The show follows the exploits of three major characters. Chicago Police Department superintendent Teresa Colvin (Jennifer Beals), CPD detective Jarek Wysocki (Jason Clarke), and corrupt Chicago alderman Ronin Gibbons (Delroy Lindo). The main premise is that Colvin forms a secret task force to bring down Gibbons. However, the show relies on a “case of the week” format and attempts to tie them in to the main arc. It also makes heavy use of voiceover narration, which is a sticking point for a lot of people. Not trying to compare the two, but the voiceovers are more similar in style to Goodfellas than say, Dexter, but it’s a love/hate aspect of the show. I don’t think they are a crutch but that seems to be a minority opinion. The more glaring negative is hammy, cliche dialogue. The show is shot on location in Chicago (more on that later) and it’s obvious the writers want to let us know that we are in the motherfucking Chi. The pilot has one too many Chicago Cubs/White Sox references, and over the top lines like “YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANGE THINGS IN CHICAGO?!” I’m also not sold on some of the actors, namely Billy Lush who plays a mole inside the Irish Mafia.

On the plus side, the show is beautifully shot for a network drama. I may be biased but the directors take full advantage of their photogenic location with drawn-out car chases and aerial shots. Jennifer Beals may be the most unrealistic choice ever to play a police superintendent but she does a fine job, even though as a native Southsider she manages to sound like a Masshole. Delroy Lindo does a great job of chewing scenery and acting like a mix between Harold Washington, Rev. Jesse Jackson and Mayor Daley. The show sets him up as an evil genius and so far he’s up to the task. I’m still not sold that we will get a huge payoff on the main corruption storyline, but the show is certainly enjoyable enough on a weekly basis that I keep watching. Those looking for intricate storytelling should probably just watch The Wire again, but if you’re a fan of Law and Order and shows of that ilk I highly recommend diving into The Chicago Code.

The Amazing Race: There Are No Steakhouses In The Outback

And we’re back! Sorry for the delay again…Oscar night, etc.  Anyhoo, all eleven of our favorite/hated teams picked up where they left off–on the beaches of Sydney, Australia. Notably, our beloved Cowboys were still struggling with their magical decoder compass while The “Couple” received their next clue.

All of the teams (except the Cowboys) headed back to the city center where they had to figure out that the clue “To Sail To Stop” was an anchor in the middle of a town square.  Mel was pooped from the last few tasks and looked about as close to “done” as Ronnie and Sammie ever got. Oh sorry, wrong recap. Not wanting to let his son down, Mel pulled it together as Mike proclaimed “I don’t want to kill you!” and they bumbled through the rest of the task. It was sort of sweet and I want to root for Mel and Mike because they seem like piles of awesome, but honestly, he’s old and this is a physical race so I do not expect them to stick around much longer.

The task itself was boring and entailed asking a bunch of locals and/or Googling the phrase on a borrowed computer. Once everyone (except for the Cowboys) reached the anchor, they had to sign up for one of two flights.  Some Guys, The Sisters Who Peed In China, The Deaf Kid And His Umbilical Cord, and Mel and Mike were on the first flight, while the Globetrotters, Old Yeller (that’s Ron and Christina, more on them later), Father/Daughter, Some Guy and Some Girl, and finally bringing up the rear The Cowboys made it onto the second flight.

Oh you want to know where the flight took them? To the Outback (Steakhouse). The detour was uneventful because all of the teams chose to recreate an aboriginal pattern out of rocks and dirt and do a little dance-y dance on top of it. But then something magical happened. Some Guy and Some Girl were U-Turned and had to do the other task as well. That task? Taking a swig of ink and spraying it out of your mouth to make stencil art.  Mmm hmm. Human spray paint. It dribbled, it oozed, it splattered, and it unfortunately was water soluble so did not stain their mouths like I had hoped.

With all of the rocks arranged and the spray paint spittled, all of the teams were off to a football (aka “soccer”) stadium where they had to change into the traditional native garb, kangaroo outfits with bouncy feet. As the Cheerleaders demonstrated, it is physically impossible to look hot in a kangaroo costume. If I was the parent of a teenaged daughter, I would require her to wear a kangaroo costume at all times. Yes, I know, this might make her a furry, but still, it’s gotta be better than having her walk around with “Juicy” on her ass.

Okay back to the task. Apparently all streets leading to Outback Steakhouse are named after the elements on the periodic table, none of which I can name because there was no Schoolhouse Rock on the subject. The teams received a copy of the periodic table with two elements highlighted–Hg (mercury) and Bi (bismuth). Teams had to figure out what the elements were and that they were supposed to go to the intersection of Mercury Street and Bismuth Avenue. And remember–they had to do all of this sproinging along in bouncy kangaroo costumes.

Hop hop hop, bounce bounce bounce, one hilarious face-plant by the Umbilical Cord, and most of the teams found the clue which sent them to the pit stop at an old mine. Three teams brought up the rear–Old Yeller, Father/Daughter, and Some Guy and Some Girl. Father/Daughter and Old Yeller worked together, but Old Yeller was suspicious of Father/Daughter because they seemed erratic and just wanted to bounce on off without stopping to think and ponder and mull. So Father/Daughter hopped on over to the pit stop while Old Yeller did what he does best–yelling at his daughter for being wrong, for not being good enough, for not trying hard enough, for not being more like her older brother who he always loved more.

Despite his poor parenting skills, Old Yeller made it to the pit stop. That left Some Guy and Some Girl as the first team eliminated. It was nice not really knowing you Some Guy and Some Girl.

It looks like the teams are off to Japan next week which should be fun because hello language barrier! So what did you think of this episode? Do you want bouncy ‘roo shoes as much as I do? Has any team worked your last nerve yet?

The Amazing Race: Unfinished Episode

Hello. My name is Misslinda and I am an Amazing Race addict. There, that felt better.

This season, The Amazing Race rounded up “team favorites” to race around the world a second time. And by “team favorites,” they mean teams that we all love (The Harlem Globetrotters, The Cowboys, and Mel and Mike) mixed with teams that make us want to throw things at the television (The Cheerleaders, The Deaf Boy And His Umbilical Cord, The “Couple” With Zero Sexual Chemistry, and The Worst Father Ever And His Subservient Daughter) plus a few teams nobody even remembers (A Father/Daughter Team, Some Guy And Some Girl, Some Nerdy Guys, and The Sisters Who Had To Pee In China).

The eleven teams started out in Palm Springs, California and were told that the first ones to reach the mat would get an “Express Pass.” The Express Pass allows a team to skip one task at any point in the race. This is a very valuable pass because every team finds themselves completely screwed by a task that they just can’t finish without killing each other.

The teams ended up on two flights to Australia—the Earlier Flight, and the Later Flight. The Earlier Flight was scheduled to land 90 minutes before the Later Flight which is, by TAR standards, a pretty decent lead. Unfortunately, a passenger on the Earlier Flight had a heart attack, which necessitated landing in Hawaii and refueling. The eight teams on the Earlier Flight did not take this turn of events well and lamented the loss of their lead. Only The Globetrotters said that the important thing was that the passenger got the medical attention he needed. These guys are all class. If I wasn’t already rooting for them to win, I’d switch teams.

So the Earlier Flight becomes the Later Flight, and the Later Flight (containing Some Guy And Some Girl, Father/Daughter, and The Sisters) catches a lucky break at the expense of a poor man’s heart. Way to go, Later Flight.

Once in Sydney, Australia, the teams navigated public transportation to an aquarium. At the aquarium, one team member had to scuba dive in a tank filled with sharks and stingrays to find a giant compass the size of a personal-sized pizza. This is the point in the race where I state, for the millionth time, that I could never be on The Amazing Race. I can’t swim, and I can’t drive, so my racing skills are rather limited. But kudos to all of these people for suiting up and diving into a tank filled with teeth and other stabby things.

All teams found the compasses, with The Cowboys and The “Couple” lagging a bit behind. The compass was like a secret decoder ring and the teams’ next task was to translate strings of nautical flags into a message that would give them their next clue. This did not seem like a difficult task—match the flag with the corresponding flag on the compass to spell out sentences. The only difficulty seemed to be that the sentences were really long, and there were three of them. So some teams were frustrated and impatient and followed other teams to the next checkpoint with only parts of the clue, only to have to go back and try it again. Some teams begged for information from competing teams, while others worked together to cut the decoding time in half. Still others were totally stumped.

Some Guys appear to be working with The Globetrotters. How do I know this? Some Guys were wearing t-shirts that said “Harlem Globetrotters” in big bold letters and helped the Globetrotters with the clue. Other teams just sort of bunched together, aimlessly helping whomever asked, without having printed corresponding t-shirts ahead of time.

The clue led the teams to something called a “skiff” which looked like a tiny, not-very-seaworthy sailboat. The team members had to dangle off of the sides of this floating contraption and grab the next clue from a buoy. The Cheerleaders’ skiff capsized, trapping them underneath, which gave me hope that this would turn into A Very Special Amazing Race. Unfortunately, no such luck. They are fine, just a bit soggy. But, it did jumpstart The Cheerleaders’ habit of berating, yelling at, and ordering around the locals who are there to help them, so there’s something.

In the end, Some Guy And Some Girl made it to the finish line first, earning them the coveted Express Pass. Then Phil yelled, “Surprise! I know you’re tired from an 18-hour flight, scuba diving with sharks, and balancing on a scrap of plastic attached to a sail on some very choppy waters, but you are still racing! So go! Move! GET OUT OF HERE!” and kicked them off of the mat.

The only team that didn’t make it to the mat was The Cowboys. They were confounded by the nautical flags and all tuckered out from running back and forth to check and see if they got it right. And, since all of the other teams had already moved on, there was nobody left to help them. They would have to help themselves, and boy, did they look helpless. The episode is “to be continued,” so we will have to wait an entire week to find out if they catch up, which may be how long it will take for them to figure out the clue.

So, what did you think of this episode? Which teams are you rooting for? How long until The Worst Father Ever loses his cool? Are you looking forward to another season of squicky bedroom talk from The “Couple”?

Take My Love, Take My Land: Firefly Will Always Stand

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So I got excited this morning when a friend texted a headline from Entertainment Weekly that said, “Firefly Returning to Cable.” Seriously my heart started to flutter, and I couldn’t log on fast enough to see what the deal was. I’m not saying that this is my most fervent entertainment wish, but it would come damn close to the most exciting television news I’ve heard in nearly a decade.


So imagine my disappointment upon reading that Entertainment Weekly‘s breaking news was that the original fourteen episode series is slated to air on the Science Channel. The science channel? Of course there’s a science channel. But what is their interest in Firefly? Well, the channel has acquired the rights and will show the episodes interspersed with segments from renowned physicist, Dr. Michio Kaku, who will talk about the “theoretical science behind the show’s concepts.” Right. What, just what? Now, I’m all for discussing this great, ground-breaking series in almost any means, but to lure us dedicated fans in with a misleading headline that caused a collective gasp across all of nerddom, and not deliver news of some sort of revived series…well, that’s just harsh EW.

Or is it?

Well, if you think about it, any PR for the show is still fantastic! And the fact that the show is still in the hearts and minds of fans, television networks, and even the science community, speaks volumes for its appeal and relevancy. And a kudos from the scientific community isn’t a bad way to keep the dialogue going.


I recently watched a documentary that discussed the making of Star Wars and the lofty ideas of a young George Lucas who was looking to bring something to the screen that had never been seen before scientifically. Many thought that this odd space odyssey would never amount to much, that it would be a box office failure, and Lucas’ audience “just wouldn’t get it.” Well, we know how that turned out. Firefly has often proven itself to be the little show that could do amazing things post-screen. Despite a less than stellar turnout in ratings, and at the box office, there has always been something about Firefly that has drawn more and more fans year after year.  It’s the elaborate world in which it exists. It’s yes, the nostalgic essence of Star Wars and Star Trek, but it is also the original and complex characters and all their complicated, misfit-like, family ties and morals. To say nothing of the inventive dialogue and fun, unpredictable banter. It transcends simple cult classic, it’s more of a cult movement. It’s great that the show is still recognized on such a large scale, and each new iteration on the small screen breathes new life into a once expected to be walking dead series. And in the highest endorsement, after nearly a decade, the main star still feels the same way, and that will always lend itself to never saying never about a revisit to a live action production.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What was the part about playing the character?
NATHAN FILLION: It was my favorite job ever. What wasn’t great about it? I got to wear a low-slung holster. I got to ride horses. I got to have a spaceship. I got to act mean and curmudgeonly. [Creator Joss Whedon] is really good at kicking characters in the nuts so the other characters would have laughs at my expense and that was great too.

If Castle had its series finale tomorrow and Fox said to you and Joss: “We screwed up, let’s try doing Firefly again.” Would you do it?
Yes. Yes. I would examine very closely Fox’s reasoning — I’m a little gun-shy. If I got $300 million from the California Lottery, the first thing I would do is buy the rights to Firefly, make it on my own, and distribute it on the Internet.

And, yeah, just because Fillion would strap on the thigh-guns once again if a network came calling doesn’t mean that he has no interest in the business side of things, if we’re to give credence to his off-the-cuff remarks here. The series could do a lot worse than to be captained by, well, the captain. There’s an online effort going on to secure him the rights, right now! As sci-fi site io9 has reported, fans have gathered to try and make sure those rights land in captain Mal’s capable hands website, facebook.


Conversely, some feel that the show is perfect as is, and that a short-lived beloved series and movie is the best way to go out in a blaze of glory, and that actually tinkering with a sequel or new series could sully the original and somehow reduce the goodwill the show has stored. I believe there is a very real fear out there that the show has reached such iconic status that anything following would not do it justice. But since this is Joss Whedon’s world, I think there’s not much in the universe that would make him sell this series short, and if given the chance, he could create an undeniable testament to the original and possibly surpass it in an opus not seen since the release of The Empire Strikes Back, which many believe is the trilogy’s crowning jewel. And what do the networks and movie studios have to lose? It’s not as if there has been a deluge of great sci-fi, especially not on the small screen. Need anyone remind them of what ABC and NBC have offered to the genre? And Hollywood is indeed suffering from “original idea” anemia. (Right now, if Firefly was a successful series in the UK and on the BBC network, the U.S. powers-that-be probably couldn’t wait to adapt it here.)

I’d place my bets on Whedon.

Given the momentum of the series on the small screen, I hope some studio feels the same, because there’s more story to tell, and I am anxiously awaiting its return to the ‘verse.

Update: Commenter BankerHardcore has found out that some very cool Browncoats who work for the California Lottery have sent Nathan Fillion a complimentary $1 free play Mega Millions ticket which he posted on his Twitter account. Awesome! Browncoats unite! Thanks for the tip!

Liveblogging the Human Rebellion Against Our Jeopardy Robot Overlords

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Liveblogging tonight’s episode of the Jeopardy? Bad idea or WORST idea?

We shall see! Stay tuned and joined in on the fun as we show these computers that we’re more than just walking penises and vaginas. We’re also well-oiled intellectual non-machines.

Well, shit. I just looked at my cable guide and it says they’re airing the Teen Jeopardy championship or something tonight. DANG IT!

Machines 1
Stupid Humans 0

Image courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/charliecurve/

Nights of the Amazon: Wonder Woman Reboot Has a Star

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Adrianne Palicki of Friday Night Lights fame has been cast as Wonder Woman after a long search for an even longer project that has finally found a home with NBC and David E. Kelley as producer.
It would seem that most every raven-haired actress from Angelina Jolie to Beyonce’ Knowles were either considered or expressed interest in reprising the role. Most recently rumors swirled when Mad Men star, Christina Hendricks remarked how excited she would be to take on the part. A far cry from the sentiments of  Megan Fox, best known for mounting motorcycles in the Transformers movies, when she scorned the possibility of tackling the role and stated that she found Wonder Woman to be “lame,” sparking fury and contempt among the purists, and even garnering some disdain from Lynda Carter the iconic actress who played the role in the 1970’s version of the show.

Purists now believe that Palicki is a good fit, and Carter has given her blessing for her newly named successor to slap on the wristlets and tighten up her lasso. At 5”11, she certainly has the height and stature to play the Amazonian princess. And due to her appeal on Friday Night Lights as Tyra Collette, many find that she has the gravitas to handle the role, much unlike her costar Minka Kelly who may have enjoyed rumors that she too should be considered as the femme crime fighter. It’s certainly possible that if she were in the running, the most recent showing of her latest cinematic efforts in the movie The Roommate found those rumors effectively squashed. The Roommate earned a shameful 6% on the Tomatometer according to the Rotten Tomatoes review website. Not the highest endorsement.

Given the appeal of Palicki the only concerns that remain surrounds the plot and writing. Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly fame was tapped to write a theatrical adaptation, but that version has been shelved indefinitely. Stepping in his place for the small screen version is acclaimed writer-producer David E. Kelley of Ally McBeal fame who already has a completed pilot. The early response to Kelley’s inaugural effort has not been good.  Jace Lacob of the Daily Beast has called it “laughably bizarre.” and says, “Wonder Woman is presented as a weepy career woman-slash-superheroine with three identities.” Wowsa! What just what? He goes on to say that she’s “cloying” and “tragically un-hip.” Definitely not what you want to hear going into a new television series. And NBC, currently in fourth place according to recent ratings, can’t afford another failure.

Which makes one wonder given the current trajectory of The Cape and other failed series on the once prolific network, is NBC the best place for an iconic series of this ilk? Will the network responsible for reboots of The Bionic Woman and Knight Rider, both succumbing to quick cancellation, be able to pull this one off?

My instincts tell me to be quite wary.


Other than some talk of the upcoming plot and pilot there’s been no word as of late as to the costumery of the new Wonder Woman, which I assume could start much debate, especially since in the comic version she recently appeared in pants to the chagrin of many fans. I happen to like the symbolic bustier and short shorts, even if outdated, it’s still nostalgic. Should it be verboten since we’re apparently a much more sensitive viewing public?

For me, I like the whole package. A woman who could kick ass, command an invisible plane, and still look sexy as all get out while doing it. Who’s to say that’s not still feminist?

What do you think? How does the new Wonder Woman pilot sound? (Palicki aside….sounds like crap to me!) And should Wonder Woman get a 2011 makeover?