Television

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American Idol: I Curse the Year You Were Born

The Dirty Dozen made us feel old by singing songs from the year they were born. No one on the show was born in the 70’s. Heck, only one person was born in the early 80’s. Before we get to the dirty, dirty and they are dirty because more than one of them was sick this week EWWW GERMS!, can we talk about The Old Lady judge? The one who wears all her old tchotchke jewelry from that trip to New Orleans she took 40 years ago along with her blouses from American Idol sponsor, Cache? She is not at all helpful. Everything is “beautiful” or “fantastic” and she loves all of it. Waaaaaaiiiiit aaaaaaa minuuuuuuuute. It’s Paula, isn’t it? How could this not have occurred to me by until this point? The wacky clothes, the over-accessorizing, the non-sensical comments, the fondness for pain killers. Now that I have context for The Old Lady, let’s move on.

Paula
Paula?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OH KATE HUDSON WAS THERE! Preggers and literally covering her face with the remnants of two mini-bags of chips with Cheetos-cheese-covered- fingers because Seacretin gave her no warning that he was about to put her on camera. Maybe she will kill him for doing that to her. I’m going to pray to the baby Jesus that this will happen. Okay, maybe not kill but just muss his hair which would like killing to Seacreature. Also in the audience was So You Think You Can Dance’s resident screamer, Mary Murphy, which makes me very happy. I can’t wait until SYTYCD starts! But for now, let’s review those Idol pipes, shall we?

Six of One:

David Archuletta Part Deux (seriously, his story is very similar to little David’s, read: overbearing dad) sang If You Don’t Know Me By Now like he’s had his heart broken a 1000 times over, right down to the voice crack at the end. It was good and his best performance of the season AND the best of the night until…

This season’s winner (did I say that out loud?), Pia took the stage and KILLED IT! I mean, really. She is so freaking hot and can so sing! I think J-Lo needs to be ready to pitch Venus razors exclusively because I’ve seen the future, and it looks like Pia – a raven-haired goddess in a white satin jumpsuit, hold the Spanx. It’s as if J-Lo has been cloned and made in the form of Pia but Pia can actually sing. Now, Pia, take this as a warning because you really can win this thing – STOP SINGING EPIC SONGS BY EPIC SINGERS. It will come back to get you at some point and your fall from the top will be tremendous. No more Whitney. No more Celine. No one in their category, mmmmkay?

The disembodied gingerbread head that is Casey went for it with Nirvana. That’s right, Nirvana. And not just any Nirvana – the anthem that is Smells Like Teen Spirit. He brought out his big bass, which I love him for, and he did his best Dave Mathews dance and angry Ewok face and for the most part he pulled it off. He starts to make sense a bit more when you see the clips of his old people parents who are smart hippie types.

Trisha Yearwood, Junior was drunk on her anti-flu meds and almost giggled herself right off her chair while she was being interviewed by Seacrest. Now, I know you aren’t supposed to talk about anyone’s mamma but the pink, plaid newsboy cap? No. Seriously. I think her parents were on Teen Mom:The Prequel. Do you think they realized she was singing a song by big ol’ cancer survivor, Melissa Etheridge? Trisha Junior is what you call a raw talent. There is a Kelly Clarkson quality to her. She can do country but she kinda rocked it out, too. Speaking of rocking it out…

Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt sang Bon Jovi’s I’ll Be There For You. I wonder if the producer thought he was actually Baby Gay Kurt because he told him not to kiss anyone. Apparently, Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt and some of the other boys have a little “house band” at the Idol mansion. What does that sound like? Do you think they sit around on an overturned drum, a steel three-legged stool and the stoop just bangin’ away and free-styling? Yeah, me either. He did alright but his schtick is getting old, really quickly.

Karen broke into her “ethnic what it is-ness” again – The Old Lady’s words, not mine. What The Old Lady was talking about was the Spanish language. Karen came out looking like a Mexican Barbarella; ironic since she sang Love Will Lead You Back, and sang a verse in Spanish like a good racehorse should. She’s probably safe because she sang in Spanish while wearing black thigh-high boots.

Half a Dozen of the Other:

African Earth Mother Naima tried again to bring in da noise, bring in da funk. Instead, she brought in some pitchy Tina Turner. There is so much talent there but she can’t seem to get it together for the show. The clips of her rehearsing look like she’s going to slay it but then – disappointment.

Okay, look. As in LOOK AT THIS F*CKING HIPSTER! He took on one of the greatest, most soulful songs ever, Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues and just…well…let’s just say that when I came to, my clothes were ripped, I had a terrible headache, my skin was greenish and my living room table was smashed to pieces. Apparently he was sick but that doesn’t excuse his awkward Rod Stewart impression. I just can’t with him.

Pocahontas. That is all.

Well aren’t these little Idol hopefuls cocky? Two Whitney Houston songs in one night? I’m about to drive to California, take Whitney sans Bobby back to Isreal to be cleansed and sobered up, and bring her to Idol so show these whippersnappers a thing or two about how to blow. That girl you hated in high school took on I’m Your Baby Tonight and now I feel like we should all register as sex offenders. But it’s not our fault! She looked 18! Anyway, it was so creepy; it was somewhere between Toddlers and Tiaras and Teen Mom.

Little Scotty is the only real American in this competition. You know why? Because he sings America’s music, country music, and only real Americans sing country music. I don’t have a clue what song he was singing, nor does it matter. All his earnestness is exhausting.

Listen, there is no reason to add a clap-track under each song, especially a Heart song. These things shouldn’t have to be said. Also things that don’t need to be said – don’t sing songs that MADE former Idols. Carrie Underwood sealed the deal when she sang Alone on her season. Our resident over-singer had the coveted last spot. The last spot is like your grandmother’s favorite Hummel, the one with the little girl and boy hugging on the bench that she found at a Hummel convention. Jacob picked up that Hummel, threw it to the ground and screamed at it for lying there all broken apart. He got the last spot on the show and he destroyed it. Grandmother will be sad.

Bottom Three: Naima, Thia Megia and Hailey.

Crass Gossip: It’s Getting Ugly

This has been an ugly, scary week in the real world. Let’s avoid thinking about it all for a few minutes by looking at ugly, scary people.

  • There is nothing uglier or scarier than Courtney Love’s greed, unless it is my face when I watch this clip or her face just regular.

  • Tiger Woods makes it all okay on Fallon’s show.

  • Why does this lead me to this? (Go Fug Yourself and YouTube)
  • Do you do covers?
Make it stop. Please, make it stop.
The breeding should stop, too.
What is the head-to-ass algorithm here?
If you were JT, would it take you two years to dump someone?

 

The Bachelor Finale: Yep, We Watched It

(Clockwise from top: Brad, Chantal, Emily)

by DahlELama and The_Obvious

Hey guys, remember Brad? The Bachelor contestant that all of America somehow thought was a total D-Bag for not proposing to anyone he didn’t want to marry? Well, after a few therapy sessions, he returned for round two of consequence-free polygamy, and last night, in Cape Town, South Africa, he finally shed the rest of the sister-wives and nabbed himself a bride. We won’t bore you with the details of the whole season, as you’re probably familiar with the drill–guy gets a harem, guy kicks girls out of harem one by one, guy is left with two options, one of whom will get the boot and the other of whom will get the rock.

This season’s two final ladies with the best cleavage personalities were the bubbly brunette Chantal O. (yeah, there were two Chantals) and blond Southern Belle Emily. On last night’s finale, the two contestants met Brad’s family, including twin brother Chad (ha, no, seriously), Chad’s superhot wife Dylan, would-be-considered-attractive-in-any-other-family brother Wes, Wes’s wife/first cousin Prima, and Brad’s mom, who did her best to blend into the South African surroundings by dressing like a cheetah.

First up to meet the genetic lottery-winning family was Chantal O. Face, who immediately charmed Brad, Chad, Thad, and Vlad by proving that she was scary-obsessed with their brother/son. Mom and Chantal got better acquainted with some one-on-one time, and after 15 minutes of O. Face discussing how much she loved abs Brad, Mama Womack decided Chantal would make hot grandkids with her son and signaled her approval with a wink and a squeaky noise. The romantic afternoon ended with Brad announcing that he could definitely imagine proposing to Chantal… and couldn’t wait to introduce his family to Emily, the other woman he could also definitely imagine proposing to, maybe.

Before Brad’s family could meet the other love of his life, the Belle Who Never Wore Bottoms, host Chris Harrison stepped in, instructed all of them to look at the flashing light, and told them all they were all there because Brad won a trip to South Africa for his 250 word essay on why pull-ups are superior to chin-ups.

With all memories of Chantal erased, it was time to bring in BelleNoBottoms Barbie. Emily’s meeting was not all bubbles and rainbows, and the awkward getting-to-you-know took a serious turn when she revealed her tragic past. Emily was eighteen when her fiance was killed in a plane crash, and a week later, she discovered she was pregnant with her now-six-year-old daughter, Ricki. Once everyone was done having trouble telling Brad and Emily apart from Chad and Dylan, the questions began as to whether or not Brad was really ready to be a father. However, after he assured everyone that he would make a great dad because he had seen Three Men and a Baby twice, it was determined that Emily was the woman he was meant to be with.

Now, before Brad could decide which woman he wanted to sleep with for the next 3-5 months before publicly breaking up, it was time to take them each on one more unrealistic date. Again, O. Face went first, and Brad abandoned all pretense of affection by literally throwing her to the sharks. Chantal was a good sport, though, pulling off the ‘oh no, this wet suit won’t zip over my boobies!’ move with charm and grace before joining Brad in the cage from which they romantically watched the sharks fin-fiving and doing the ‘that’s-what-i’m-talkin’-bout’ nod as they checked out Chantal’s ample cleavage.

Later that night, Brad and O. Face bonded again, this time over the vomit-inducing kindergarten art project Chantal passed off as some sort of Crayola-and-paste monument to their love that she’d worked on allll night while Brad and BelleNoBottoms got their sexxx on. You see, Chantal had created a map, noting all the places she and Brad had been together, like Kamchatka and East Africa, because she traveled the world with him! And that is super meaningful! Because no one else traveled the world with him! Everyone else just played the board game version of The Bachelor and boned him over Skype while she alone traveled to Anguilla and South Africa! Except not. Anyway, their clothes stayed on the whole time, and that’s when we knew that we’d seen O. Face’s o-face for the very last time.

Then it was Emily’s turn, and because she has a kid and the producers actually care if she lives or dies, her final date was a picturesque helicopter ride. Fortunately for everyone, Emily had left her pants in the other helicopter, but Brad, good sport that he is, didn’t seem to mind. Later that night, however, Brad and Emily got into their first fight, which sounded something like this:

Emily: “Will you take my child to the hospital at 3 am because she sleep walks?”

Brad: “Yes I will. And I will be her true Father.”

Emily: “What does being a father mean to you?”

Brad: “Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “YOU KNOW NOTHING. GOOD DAY, SIR!”

Brad: “Listen! Listen! Listen! Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “Brad, I just want to make sure that you understand that kids are not fun and go to the ER every day.”

Brad: “So, am I her dad yet?”

Then he walked out, and no sex was had in Africa that night.

~~~

The time had come for Brad to make his choice, leaving one woman inconsolable for at least two hours. It was going to be a tough one. On the one hand, he and Emily had sort of gotten into a fight the night before. On the other hand, he didn’t really like Chantal at all. But on the other hand, no bottoms. But on the other hand, boobs. Drama!

The first limo pulled up, and out stepped Chantal, wearing a shiny black dress with a mess of feathers on one shoulder for luck. Brad did the honorable thing by dragging the dismissal out for a few minutes by listing all the things he loved about her before the big “but,” and to her credit, Chantal didn’t so much as smudge her makeup, probably because she didn’t seem to understand that she was being dumped until Brad finally yelled, “I WANNA BANG EMILY.” He then politely escorted her back to the limo where she was greeted by a nurse who inserted a 99 Bananas drip directly into her arm. As the limo pulled away, the raven on her shoulder could be heard quothing “Nevermore, nevermore.”

Emily’s limo pulled up next, and to make up for a season of pantslessness, she stepped out wearing a modest dress designed by the 15th Duggar daughter. After a bit of stammering and nonsense, her finger was suddenly shiny and we realized they were engaged. In the distance, the faint sound of Toto’s Africa could be heard. Mazel Tov!

Epilogue: Every night Brad sets up the Sony handheld on a tripod before slipping back into bed. He tells Emily it is to help with his withdrawal from not being on camera anymore and she is none the wiser. They are still not married. Fin.

 

 

DahlELama and The_Obvious met when she took a bus from Iowa to California and discovered him behind the bar at a Burlesque club. She is now a star, while he wears too much eyeliner and still hasn’t finished a song or appropriately dumped his fiance.

Sister Wives Recap: Reality Television Results in Surprising Lack of Privacy

Sister Wives season 2 premiered and I for one was darned glad to catch up with Kody and his concubines. They’ve had a little exposure to the Planet Earth since we last saw them. Not only are they being stalked by the paparazzi, they ended up on the receiving end of a police investigation.

They seemed genuinely puzzled by some of the public’s reaction to polygamy. Most people in Utah are very familiar with plural marriage regardless of whether or not they support it. I think before Big Love aired, most Americans had given polygamy about 3-10 minutes in their entire lives. During the polygamy compound raids, the concept of plural marriage still needed a lot of explanation for most people. I’d bet money that most TLC viewers were stunned to see actual polygamists with stylish hair and normal clothing.

The first part of the show was devoted to the Today Show interview, the first season and the initial fallout. There was quite of bit of press stalking the house although the wives quickly learned the art of evading the press. There were many, many comments made online and on TV. Then, there was the law enforcement reaction. Some of the feedback was not positive and this caused some stress. Robyn cried; Meri made unhappy faces; Janelle was resigned and Christine had a red nose.

Honestly, though, if you offer yourself up to reality television, you have to be prepared for the beast to bite back. It can offer a measure of fame but it opens you up to lots and lots of judgment which can be unpleasant. The viewing public is everywhere and they don’t necessarily agree with or even like you. Many of them will make this quite clear if they meet you in real life. Then, of course, there’s the issue of internet buzz and bloggers who like to snark about people with more interesting lives.

The kids started public school for the first time. This seems like a lot to handle in combination with the media blitz, but what do I know? (No one has offered me a reality show). They only went to one day of school so it’s hard to tell yet how the year will play out. The other kids at school were on their best behavior. They didn’t throw rocks at the self-named Plyglets and no one had a “You have Shirley Temple hair” intervention with the daughter that spent 1.5 hours on her hair. There are lots of kids in the family and they may have some safety in numbers.

There was a controversy over the school’s emergency contact forms (this is who they call when your kids get caught huffing glue in art class). Christine sees the publicity as an opportunity finally to be honest and adds her sister wives as “Other Moms” on the form. Janelle labeled the sister wives as “Aunts” which betrayed six generations of polygamists.

I have a question about Christine and her red nose. Does anyone else think she’s taking a nip here and again? Is she a real life Barb Hendrickson? I will devote the last two paragraphs to a Big Love/Sister Wives narrative analysis for fans of both shows, but I definitely think Christine has a hot toddy once in a while.

I love it when the cameras move throughout the family’s house(s?). I’m obsessed with catching glimpses of their style and taste. Christine is a fan of decorating by hanging dried flowers upside down and taping them to the wall. Next to decorated hats on a wall, this is my least favorite form of décor. I also saw some borders adorned with geese and flowers. In the background, I caught a glimpse of the ice blocks that the family stocks up for some religious cult tomfoolery called ice-blocking.

There are just so, so many things to talk about. I’m going to wind it down, but here is a quick Big Love/Sister Wives analysis for fans of both shows:

There are several interesting parallels between this season’s Big Love (the fictional polygamists) and The Brown Family on Sister Wives. Both families opted for public exposure at the end of last season. Both have a narcissistic patriarch that I’d sort of like to punch. Both families also have a wide variety of children that I find difficult to keep track of (excepting Ben and Sarah on Big Love).

I got into some serious analysis on this and here’s my Big Love to Sister Wives conversion. Kody is obviously Bill. Janelle and Christine combine to equal Barb (We need both Jenelle’s common sense and Christine’s management skills to equal one fictional polygamy first wife). Meri is Nikki. I know she’s actually the first wife but I felt there was a better parallel between Meri’s chronic sourpuss and Nikki’s self-interested and judgmental approach to almost everything. Robyn is obviously Margene. No explanations needed there.

The Amazing Race: Yakety Yak, Don’t Turn Back

Welcome back, Race spectators!

The teams started out at the pit stop at the mouth of Tokyo Bay in Japan, which is sort of disturbing timing considering the parade of horrible events that is still unfolding in that country. I would like to say a few words about it before diving into the recap, but I have no words. It is simply that awful.

The Nerds were the first team to arrive at the pit stop at 8:44am at departed at 8:44pm. Their destination is Jade Dragon Mountain in Li Jiang, China.  But, because there were so few available flights (really? Not a lot of flights from Japan to China? That seemed a little sketchy), all of the teams had to take the same designated flight to Kungming China and then book their own local transportation to Li Jiang.

Zev’s reaction? “There’s a lot of people in China, I’m not much of a people person.” Thank you for that insight, Zev.

Someone who is considerably more excited about going to China than Zev is Old Yeller because he and Christina speak Chinese.  On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum are The Sisters Who Had To Pee In China because it is the scene of their ill-timed nature break.  Also, China is where The Sisters and Deaf Guy And His Umbilical Cord had a kerfuffle during which one of the sisters called Umbilical Cord a bitch. Which she is.  Joining The Sisters in China Misery: Part Deux are The Cheerleaders who did not enjoy their brief stay the last time around because nobody spoke English or appreciated their inner beauty.

The teams had to drive themselves to the airport. Does anybody else find the Deaf Guy driving disturbing? I didn’t know that was allowed, but then again I’ve never really thought about it very deeply. I’m too lazy to Google “Deaf Driving,” but if someone wants to elaborate on the ins and outs of driving while hearing impaired, it would be greatly appreciated.

The drive to the airport was uneventful for all but one team—the “Couple.” They got very, very, very lost. Kynt was driving and Vyxsin was doing just an awful job of navigating and it was unclear how long they had been on the road but they left at night and it was daytime when she realized that the compass pointed in the wrong direction.  We soon learned that all of the other teams had three hours before their 9:50am flight.

Could the “Couple” actually miss the flight? Uh huh. It was 9am when they finally turned around and were headed in the right direction, but they were nowhere near the airport. The flight boarded at 9:20am and took off without them! The flight really took off without them! That rarely ever happens, and it may be the first time in TAR history that a team has missed a pre-arranged mandatory flight.  Whatever the case, it was not looking good for the “Couple.” The next flight to China left about five hours later, a lifetime in TAR years. But, they soldiered on.

Once in China, the teams scrambled to figure out how to get to Li Jiang first. There seemed to be a choice between trains and planes, but no automobiles.  All of the teams opted for a train, with Old Yeller being the only team to make it onto an earlier train.  It didn’t matter though because the first shuttle to Jade Dragon Mountain left at 8am which allowed the other teams to catch up.

In the meantime, Old Yeller stopped for a snack of what I think he called dragon balls. He thought they were delicious. He was very focused on food and annoyed his daughter throughout the entire leg of the race about snacks. “Can I have my yogurt now? Oh those little grilled fish look delicious! Let me just grab a few fried scorpions to tide me over.” It’s a race for a million dollars and he’s trying to turn China into a giant tapas bar.

The rest of the teams caught up with Old Yeller as they hopped onto shuttle buses headed up the mountain. They all noted that the “Couple” weren’t there. It has been days since anyone saw them.  The “Couple” actually arrived at 2:20am, but the airport was closed and the trains weren’t running that late so they found a hotel and took a nap. In the morning, they opted for a flight to Li Jiang, and before boarding the flight, Vyxsin realized that she left her passport at the security checkpoint. This team is just an absolute mess! Get it together, “Couple,” or you’re gonna be Philiminated!

While the “Couple” was bumbling through the airport, the other teams encountered a task called “Yak Yak Yak!” Since nothing called “Yak Yak Yak!” can ever be bad, the teams were in a generally pleasant mood as they saddled up their yaks and rode them across a river. The Cowboys made saddling up a yak look easy with their mad cowboy skills while the Nerds were having a bit of trouble getting on their Yak. The Globetrotters basically just stood there with their legs spread apart and when the yak walked underneath them, they sat down.

After the yak rides, the teams had to take the Jade Dragon Gondola three miles above sea level to get their next clue. The altitude was making teams woozy, and they all seemed to be having a good deal of trouble running.

Roadblock! One team member had to search tens of thousands of hanging charms for the twelve animals of the Chinese zodiac and place the charms in the correct order on a wind chime. Do you know what wind chimes are for? Stupid people who don’t know that it is windy.

The Deaf Kid collected his charms first, but he got the assembly wrong. The Daughter got hers right so Father/Daughter were the first team out of the Roadblock. They then had to find a marked bus and travel to the old town of Li Jiang. Old Yeller finished next, then the Deaf Kid, the Cowboys, the Globetrotters, the Cheerleaders and the Sisters.  Zev was the only one left. He was looking for a rabbit charm and was incredibly frustrated.

In the meantime, the “Couple” headed up on the gondola. And we know it’s not just fancy editing because as the other teams were headed down on the Gondola, they passed the “Couple” headed up. Folks, we have a race on our hands! The “Couple” showed up while Zev was still trying to complete the task. He had found the last charm, but didn’t understand that he had to hang the charms in the order that they appear on the zodiac chart.

At the bottom of the mountain, Old Yeller hopped on a bus without checking to see if it was a marked bus. It wasn’t. It was just a regular old shuttle bus that didn’t have any doors. Old Yeller was pissed because they were going in the wrong direction which, naturally, was Christina’s fault.  The driver wouldn’t turn around, so Christina jumped out of a moving vehicle, landing on her back. I am not sure if she did this to win the race, or to end it once and for all. It was very, very strange. The bus finally stopped and Old Yeller got out. The two of them ran down an incline to the other buses which were already on the road, flailing their arms and yelling for the buses to stop. All of the teams ignored them (I think I heard the Cheerleaders tell their driver to speed up and head for the old man chomping on a fruit roll-up), but the Globetrotters stopped the bus because they are just wonderful people. I sure hope nice guys don’t finish last.

Once in the town, there was a boring thing about a zodiac sign and a wish. Then the teams had a choice between Hammer or Horn. In Hammer, teams had to pulverize hot molten candy. In Horn, teams had to carry a long ceremonial horn in a precession to a palace. All teams chose Hammer except the Cheerleaders and the Globetrotters.

Oh did we forget the Nerds and the “Couple”? While the rest of the teams were pounding candy with a hammer, Zev was struggling to figure out the arrangement of symbols and Vyxsin couldn’t find her last few charms. Zev finally realized that he had two goats and needed a horse. Ain’t that always the way it goes? Too many goats, not enough horses. He found the right one and finally finished the task while Vyxsin struggled to keep it together.

The hammering didn’t look that complicated as the teams blazed through the task. Back at the horns, the Cheerleaders realized that they wouldn’t be able to lift the horns and turned around to go to the other task. By the time they got back to the other task, the teams had finished and it was a race to the Eternal Tower in the center of the city.

Deaf Guy and his Umbilical Cord were the first team to arrive and won a romantic vacation to Aruba. Eew. Enjoy your couples massage. But surprise! They’re still racing!

All of the other teams checked in at the pit stop with what looked like not much time between them except for the “Couple.” While they eventually finished the charms task (are they still working on that?), the idiots left their fanny pack on the gondola. As is the rules with fanny packs, it contained all of their worldly possessions, including fairy dust, passports, and money. Now, I haven’t worn a fanny pack since…ever. But it is my understanding that these things clip around your waist for the sole purpose of not losing your stuff. I can understand why Old Yeller took off his fanny pack in the last episode since he was going to be submerged in water. But the “Couple”? No, that’s just stupid. And I don’t want to hear that it clashed with their “pink and black attack” outfits, because that pack was black. So if they had just renamed themselves the “pink and black fanny pack attack,” they wouldn’t be in this pickle.

Where were we? Oh right. All of the teams checked in except for the “Couple” who are totally screwed. Scenes from next week included a dreaded two headed double UTurn, and that’s about it. Did TAR stretch this out into a non-elimination “you’re still racing” to give the “Couple” time to catch up just like they did with the Cowboys? And will it even matter considering their latest bout of idiocy? And do the Globetrotters even have a chance of winning with their nicey-nice strategy?

Netflix Sunday: My So-Called Life edition

Welcome back to another edition of Netflix Sunday.  I was originally planning on sharing about more British shows, but then I remembered American TV has some awesome stuff.  America!  F*CK YEAH!

So this week’s Netflix contender is 1994’s My So Called Life. As a teenager in the 1990’s, this show was all about me and my life.  Then again, I was a teenager, so everything was about me.  Don’t judge, you thought that way as well.

My So Called life was a short-running show with all of 19 episodes, but one of my favorites that pretty successfully encapsulated the teenage experience in the 1990’s.

The story centered on a young Claire Danes as Angela Chase, a girl growing up in a suburb of Pittsburgh, who, like most of us, was growing older and emotionally ambivalent towards her parents, while discovering new friends and life experiences.

I got your emo right here

Her two best friends were Rayanne Graff, a free spirit (whose wardrobe I always idolized) with an alcoholic, mostly absent mother and a drug problem, and Rickie, the eyeliner-wearing boy who lived with his abusive uncle.  Rayanne was the bad influence, but her affection for Angela was apparent, as was her hidden vulnerability, distrust of people, and her desire for her friends to act as her family, because her family had failed her, causing you to both love and hate Rayanne.

The show was rather topical and took on some intense issues in its short run – child abuse, sex, drug use and had an openly gay teenager.  This was before Ellen Degeneres came out publicly in 2002 1997 or ’98, which was a HUGE deal, so for a show to portray a gay teenager in the mid-1990’s in a sympathetic way; in such a central role to the show was a fairly influential to a lot of people my age.

The show also starred a young Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano-the dreamy object of Angela’s affections, an eye-opener to those of us who had raging crushes on the brooding, guitar-playing hottie that pretty much all teenage crushes suck.

While show portrayed several difficult social issues, it managed to not be overly preachy.  It’s honest look at teenage life and angst wasn’t necessary sympathetic or critical – Angela makes a lot of decisions she’s not sure if she should be proud of, but shows that time for what it is – a difficult time of self-discovery as teenagers realize their potential to become independent adults, while dealing with learning some of the harder lessons alone.  Also, the soundtrack is classic 1990’s.  Can’t beat that!

Found Footage Friday: V Trinadcatom Chasu Nochi

Today’s found footage post is about a film I stumbled upon accidentally (it’s in the public domain and has never been commercially released) and it may be one of my favorite movies because it’s just out-and-out bizarre. The whole thing is in Russian and even though I don’t speak Russian and there are no subtitles, it’s just so damn insane that I love every minute of it. The title in Russian is V Trinadcatom Chasu Nochi. In English, that translates as In The Thirteenth Hour of the Night, but more prosaically, it would be 13 p.m.

The pedigree of the director doesn’t seem to lend itself to such a crazy movie. Larisa Shepitko was an acclaimed female Soviet director noted for her heavy dramatic subjects. However, for some reason, she directed this film. The following is a totally fictional account of what happened and why, but I like to believe it’s true even though I made it up:

In 1969, a Commissar in charge of television discovered that there was a famous film director named Larisa Shepitko that he could force to make a film. So, he came to her and said, “you make TV movie for New Year’s Eve. Here are pop music acts. Do it in three days or we send you to gulag.” And so, this was the result.

It’s really a variety show with a thin veneer of outside storyline and while the pop acts are pretty odd themselves, the real action is the wrapper story involving a cross-dressing patriarch (matriarch?) of the Russian equivalent of a hillbilly family watching TV in their hut on fowl’s legs (a traditional Russian folk motif), joined by a mermaid and a dwarf. As I said, I speak no Russian, but from what I’ve been told, even if you do speak Russian, it doesn’t make much more sense.

As the movie is in the public domain, I uploaded the whole thing to YouTube, but for those of you who don’t want to sit through it, here are two of my favorite bits. First, a moment of cinematic insanity-

watch?v=jovmenwr7ug

And then a musical number (not one of the pop acts), a parody of Louis Armstrong singing Hello, Dolly… except the only lyrics are Hello, Dolly.

watch?v=yTpNNVnbRsw

And finally, the entire film.

watch?v=Oheg-LMFzGk

I’d say that this is best seen under the influence, but I think that would actually make it worse.

Tracking the Crazies: Quiverfull

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If you’ve ever watched 42 Kids and Counting, you might have noticed that the Duggar family has an abnormal number of children. You might wonder if they’ve ever heard of birth control or if it’s possibly a polygamous family where the children have a variety of mothers. You might think, perhaps, that some of the children are adopted. If you listen to the introduction to the show, you’ll hear the mother say that she delivered every single one of them. Jealous?

The Duggars have a plethora of children not because of luck, faulty birth control or adoption; they are actively trying to have as many children as possible. The Duggars are perhaps the most famous family in a movement called “Quiverfull.” I think Quiverfull sort of sounds like some sort of naughty urge, but it is actually a religious thing. The name “Quiverfull” is taken from from Psalm 127: “Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.” The father is the warrior and the children are the “arrows”. They’ve taken the command “Be fruitful and multiply” very, very literally.

Quiverfull families deliberately leave all birth control in “God’s hands”. That means the women don’t use birth control at all, not even natural family planning. They view many types of birth control, such as the pill and IUDs, as a form of abortion. Women are encouraged to become maternal missionaries – a phrase coined by Mary Pride in her thrilling epic “The Way Home: Beyond Feminism, Back to Reality”. (I think her book reads a bit more like “Before Feminism, the Way Back to The Stone Ages”). Women are serving an important mission for God by having lots of children and demonstrating good maternal behavior.

The Quiverfull faithful have two main goals. First, they are submitting to God’s will. He decides how many children the family will have. The families are demonstrating their faith by allowing God to control the size of the family. Secondly, they’re creating a sizable generation of Christians. It’s their way of stocking up for the future. The more faithful children they produce, the more Christians will have control of the country in the future. Ah, what a wonderful world it will be when they outnumber the heathens.

Quiverfull isn’t attached to a particular doctrine. They embrace many of the Catholic teaching on birth control but the movement is generally attached to evangelical and fundamentalist Christians. The concept of wifely submission is important in the Quiverfull movement. The households are patriarchies. The man is clearly in charge and the women are encouraged to submit to their husbands’ leadership.

You can just imagine how Quiverfull people feel about feminism. They tend to view the women’s liberation movement as a tool of the devil. It splits apart families, promotes abortion, sends women to work outside the home and promotes divorce. Women are corrupted by feminism which leads to them abandoning their God-given roles as wives, homemakers and mothers. Daughters in Quiverfull families learn their roles as caretakers early. Because the families are large and the mothers exhausted, older daughters are given responsibility to take care of younger children.

It’s estimated that there are tens of thousands of Quiverfull folk, but no one knows for sure. Two concepts that Quiverfull families often adopt are homeschooling and homesteading. It’s probably no surprise that a highly religious group would opt for homeschooling, where they can control the content and avoid concepts like evolution and women’s rights. Homesteading is a philosophy of self-reliance. These are not groups that have large families and rely on public assistance. Instead, adherents live simply. They make their own clothing, grow vegetables and live simply.

Women in the movement often opt for natural childbirth and sometimes, home-birth. It’s interesting because many home-birth supporters are much more liberal than the average Quiverfull family. However, they share many of the same ideas about birth as a natural process that does not require medical intervention. Anna Duggar’s home-birth was filmed (no lady parts were on display). Also, not surprisingly, many of the Quiverfull mindset choose to homeschool their children.

The Duggars are an interesting example of the lifestyle in that they are extremely financially secure (partially due to their TV series). This is the exception rather than the rule. Many large families struggle to make ends meet. It can put a great deal of stress on a large family and can lead to fractures in marriages. If women want to leave the Quiverfull lifestyle, they often feel trapped. The women have been out of the workforce for a long time and many never worked outside the home. The lack of job skills partnered with the high costs of childcare can be daunting. These women often have few resources to help them build a new life because their community generally does not approve of divorce.

I went to some Quiverfull websites. There were plenty of articles about the importance of wifely submission and many articles detailed the joys of motherhood. I also found lots of information on the imaginary link between breast cancer and abortion. Sigh. There was also discussion of how vasectomy can lead to prostate cancer and arthritis. Some adherents even go so far as to have vasectomies and tubal ligations reversed so that they can submit to God’s plan for their families.

If there’s any interest, I’ll explore the idea of courting in another column (I especially love the concept of defrauding). In the meantime, here is an excellent forum on the lifestyle: quiverfull.com. There is a book called “A Full Quiver”. Here is the link to the Duggar’s famous tater tot casserole. I would be so psyched if someone made it and reported back: duggarfamily.com. Also, I’m considering starting a pool about which Duggar kid will freak out and join a death metal band. There are 19 of them. You know that one of them is going to freak out.

For additional reading see: No Longer Quivering and the Quiver Full blog.

What NBC Can Learn From The USA Network

Unfortunately NBC has brewed a mixed bag of bad. While there’s still entertainment to be found in the network’s bread and butter Thursday night comedy lineup, the gangrenous toe seems to be the network’s choice of dramas — and the problems lie exactly where they don’t want them to — in concept and execution. As ratings show, nearly every one of this season’s dramas has either been canceled, see: Outlaw, Undercovers, and Chase, or are getting ever closer to the chopping block, see: The Cape, Law & Order: LA, and The Event.

What are they doing? What’s going wrong?

Despite its best efforts, The Event suffers from an erratic timeline, mediocre acting, lack of central focus, and way too much hype without enough delivery. All combined this is like visual napalm for the viewer. Similarly, NBC’s lauded hero action thriller The Cape is a confused mess of ideas. Is it an action-show or a moving comic? Is it about urban street crime, or nefarious corporations with overseas ties to terrorism? If the show itself is this neurotic imagine what viewers feel watching it.


The USA Network, sister network to NBC interestingly enough, has hit its stride in recent years with such acclaimed shows as Psych, Burn Notice, In Plain Sight, and Royal Pains, which is leaps and bounds ahead of where the once fledgling network started when it was largely known for B-movies and wrestling. So how has the burgeoning giant climbed in ratings while NBC has suffered such a decline?

What USA Does That’s Different

Develops A Fresh Face Approach: USA programs are all about the people at the forefront. Lost is over and done with, and so is answering questions while just creating new ones. This idea is so overworked that it should look stale on paper and never be filmed again. USA programs pride themselves on character development and fresh faces. Psych is about Shawn and Gus’ friendship and banter. Burn Notice is about Mike, Fiona, and Sam’s intersecting loyalty, friendship, and ability to kick-ass as a team. Royal Pains is about Hank and Evan’s sibling rivalry/brotherly love. The people make the shows work.

Truth Nugget: Don’t build up an elaborate house of cards with forgettable characters and hope no one blows the house down.

Looks at the Man in the Mirror: No one has the right answers all the time. Just plopping a perfect pretty face on screen will not endear a character to an audience. There is such a thing as hero-fatigue if our caped crusader isn’t rounded out with enough nuance and sincerity. One-dimensional is, well, what NBC is now. Depth, pains, humanity, fears, flaws and struggle — this is what USA offers. Basically viewers need to care about the characters by identifying with each one’s eccentricities, foibles, and endearments.

Truth Nugget: Patrick Swayze would tell NBC to, “Ga-gung, Ga-gung” and feel their character’s hearts beating in their chest.


Likes a Fish Out of Water: USA characters experience new things for the first time. This means that the audience is experiencing something new for the first time. Aha! Right? The hook and catch to ER’s first episode was young Dr. Carter embarking on his first day. Similarly, many of USA’s character’s are doing something they’ve never encountered before, like concierge doctoring, legal mediating, or being a burned spy. We’re all learning together, see?! NBC may have forgotten this tried and true method, but USA hasn’t.

Truth Nugget: If you’re throwing your character in the deep end — the choice better be to have him or her swim.

Doesn’t Reinvent the Wheel: In each of USA’s programs you’ll see a little bit of what made shows from the 70’s and 80’s great. There’s a little MacGyver and Marcus Welby, Moonlighting, and Three’s Company. The network is also not afraid to pair new stars with some familiar faces, and every now and again you’ll find homage to a successful show of the past, and even appearances from long forgotten actors. Psych‘s recent Twin Peaks episode, which featured stars from the original show, was a great success. Pulling in the likes of veteran actors Sharon Gless (an ex-cop), Corbin Bernsen (an ex-lawyer), Henry Winkler (an ex-Fonz), and Ally Sheedy (an ex-basket case) has assisted in the ratings boon for the network.

Truth Nugget: Going back doesn’t mean you can’t push forward.


Laughs Through the Pain: You know what makes a show that could easily get mired down with heavy drama — light and likable — a joke or two. Yes, USA prides itself on dramas with comedic elements. They don’t take themselves too seriously and are experts at being able to pull an unexpected guffaw from the viewer. The pendulum can swing from high intensity action, or hard-hitting drama, right into a funny gag that lightens and livens the moment.

Truth Nugget: Great banter with a wink and a nod adds depth and makes those moments that could be so serious that they’re almost laughable — palatable.

Packs its Bags: USA gets out of the police station, the hospital, the courtroom, or the busy metropolitan streets, and finds a new place to set up shop. USA’s theory is blue skies, good weather, and fun in the sun. We know NBC can work with a set really well. The NBC comedy lineup is a testament to great set work, but what can it do on location?

Truth Nugget: Hitting the open road is better than closing the door for good.

What is NBC’s Challenge:

Not to mirror themselves after the USA network completely, that would be silly and counterproductive,  it is its own network after all, but to perhaps take some notes from a network that succeeds — and well, is actually part of their Comcast-owned family. Thinking outside the box about how to add some quirk, fun, and simplicity to their dramas could make all the difference. The viewers will appreciate it. But more importantly they’ll watch.

American Idol Recap: Pageants and Producers

We are in week 13 of the never ending story Season 10 of Idol.  A DECADE of this, my friends. As the Babylonion rumor goes, 13 is the unluckiest number and that proved to be true for some of our contestants. Fear of the number 13 is called triskaidekaphobia and I think a few Idol contestants now have it. Did you know that many buildings don’t have a 13th floor? The 14th floor has been tricked into thinking that it’s not bad luck but it really is. Anyhoo, this week’s theme was to sing a song by your idol, get it, “Idol” – hahaha so clever. They also choose to allow people who always thought they could rearrange a song better than the original, try and do just that. And with one fell swoop, most of them crushed the dreams of young Idol hopefuls as swiftly as Godzilla destroys a small Japanese city.

The Good:

Pia Toscano.

If there is someone who fits the “modern” Idol profile this year, it’s Pia Toscano. She is gorgeous, ethnically ambiguous and can really, truly sing. I suppose it doesn’t matter that she sang a Celine Dion song that needs to be pulled out of Idol rotation because she nailed it. She couldn’t be safer than Seacrest’s secret closet.

Who does Casey Abrams remind me of – Fozzy Bear? Nah, that’s not it. AH! Taylor Hicks! I mean, without all the of jerky movements and stuff but let’s be real.  He can sing, no doubt about it.  But when a young guy chooses Joe Cocker as his idol, we’ve got problems.  In other words, he may win but he will be singing in bars within two years.

Naima Adedepo certainly beat the Glee version of Umbrella with TV interloper Gwenyth Paltrow.  It was fun and funky, right?  She was kind of breaking it down a little with the dance moves and the reggae.  So whatever.  Still, she’s too much with the hair and clothes.  It’s like Denise from The Cosby Show meets Punky Brewster.  Separately, they are adorable.  Together, it looks like she got dressed with the random items she found on her bedroom floor.

Bowie

 

Hey James Durbin! Can you hear me with those ears? Okay, anyway. Baby gay Kurt if Kurt ever goes Bowie sang Maybe I’m Amazed by SIR Paul McCartney. It was good, it really was. Maybe he can be one of the Warblers next season and then in a bizarre twist, be Baby gay Kurt’s love interest since he can’t seem to get any action. Dreams, I have them.

It’s just fun to say Thia Megia’s name. It goes so well with the name game, so extra points for her. I’m going out on a limb and say this little newbie may take home the title. The producer of the arrangement should be taken out back and beaten with a Charlie Chaplin cane. Young Thia Megia HATED IT, too. She even cried because she knew that was an utterly ridiculous arrangement of Smile. As a general rule, if you make a girl cry, you suck.  If you also single-handedly end her dreams, you should never work in this town again!

The Pageant:

It looks like Idol got a new sponsor this year. A couple actually: Claire’s Accessories and Cache (were is my accent aigu key?). Coke, Claire’s and Cache are the hallmark of any good Miss Blue Bell pageant and now, Idol.

Did I do that?

Hailey Reinhart will steal your boyfriend. Doesn’t she just give you that vibe? She decided to roll out in a evening gown and yodel Blue, which I’m sure her handlers Jimmy Cricket and Dusti thought was such a good idea! I know Idol may as well be a Miss America pageant but you aren’t supposed to make it that obvious. She thanked the audience for letting her perform at the State Fair.

Last week Randy called Ashton Jones a young Diana Ross and even I could hear Miss Ross’ screams from the depths of Malibu. Randy is the only judge that makes sense this year (think about that!), but he should be fired for that comment. Ashton Jones is no Diana Ross. She isn’t even close. I’ve seen and heard drag queens that are more Diana Ross than Ashton Jones. Take it back right now, Randy. Right fucking now. But it’s too late. It’s already gone to Ashton’s head and so out she came in her little Cache dress singing a Diana Ross song that about 10 people know. She also thanked the audience for clapping at the end of her song. She really grates on my nerves, so let’s move on.

Poor little Lauren Alaina. Take a tip from Faith Hill and “just breathe!”. Carrie Junior was so cotton-pickin’ nervous that she just tromped all over that stage all short of breath and a crooning that she didn’t get the chance to really flex those pipes. The judges comments were SUPER awkward. The old lady’s were met with dead silence. I mean, there were crickets in that place. In an attempt to fill the space, Jenny from the Block said that “the competition starts today.” What? I thought it started like, 7 weeks ago? Little Lauren has a strong voice, though, and she thanked the audience, too (seeing a trend?).

She will have a TV show one day

 

Karen Rodriguez/Selena/J.Lo doing Selenazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I’m sorry was I saying something. She and Hailey are probably busy cutting holes in each other’s outfits and putting cayenne pepper each other’s panties. She’s only 21 years old and looks like a newscaster on Univision. There’s really not much more to say beyond that.

This season’s Clay Gaiken aka Scotty McCreery, choose a Garth motherfucking Brooks song. Just hearing the name Garth Brooks makes me want fight a hobo thinking back to Brooks’ reign of terror over this country in the 90’s. I want to run into a bomb shelter and make it all go away whenever I hear his name. I’m pretty sure Sail My Vessel is a euphemism for something really, really dirty. But our little Stewie Griffin is winning the heart of Aunt Keeks (love you, RL!) and that is going to carry him far into this little competition.

The Rest:

Ew

Paul McCreepster. I have to be honest, I had to fast forward within two notes of him singing. I also needed to go get my rape whistle and check my drink for a roofie. He’s SO been in L.A. for so long and SO ready to get his big break. He’s over-styled, over-verneered and over-selling it. He’s like that Sugar Ray douchecopter. I will not be surprised to hear that he has already had a recording contract in the past. Not at all.

Jacob Lusk choose to say, out loud, that R. Kelly is his idol. Never, ever do that again. Don’t talk, just sing. Is there a choir bat-signal that goes up every time someone sings “I Believe I Can Fly?” He is this season’s over-singer but he makes his performances enjoyable in one way or another.

David Archuletta Stephano Langone: RAGE! Who is doing these awful arrangements. Lately is a soulful R & B classic, not an oonze, oonze club mix. Stop.

Bottom 3:  McCreepster, Ashton, and probably Thia but in no way is that her fault. Going home: please let it be McCreepster.

Author’s note:  Hat tip to all those who have previously tried to recap a show. This is more difficult I imagined. You can eat my post for lunch in case you can’t get away from your desk. I’ll even pass the Cholula.