Television

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The Amazing Race: Globetrotters, Cowboys, and Indians

I want to preface this recap by saying that I am slightly grumpy because I am out of wine, but I will soldier on with a vodka and tonic instead because that’s just the type of dedication I bring to these recaps.

I also have a correction from last week’s episode. The “Couple” did not U-Turn the Globetrotters. The Cheerleaders did. I apologize for any evil thoughts you may have sent to Kynt and Vyxsin and encourage you to direct all future evil thoughts at the Cheerleaders.

Okay, let’s get down to business!

The Cowboys were the first team to depart the pit stop at 2:14 p.m and learned that they had to travel to the Jin Fu Yi Zhan tea shop for a tasting of papaya and mango infused tea. What they didn’t know was that this tea would appear in a later leg of the race.

Father/Daughter left  two minutes after, then Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord. Deaf kid was pissed that they were staying in China, which may be a little bit racist.

Father/Daughter found the tea shop first, then the Cowboys showed up. Mallory said the tea tasted like peach. Close, very close. Not really. Christina asked what kind of tea it is, and learned it was papaya mango. Smart. Zev had no idea what it tasted like. Maybe like tea? At least say it tasted like tea.

The teams next had to travel by plane to Kolkata, India where they had to find the Town Hall to receive their next clue. When the teams arrived in India, they ran out of the airport like lunatics and/or rock stars. Lunatic rock stars. Think Russell Brand on speed, or just think Russell Brand.

All of the teams looked like they were having a fun time passing each other in India’s notoriously dangerous cabs, being generally silly, running red lights, playing chicken, almost getting hit by a truck. When they arrived at the Town Hall, they learned that they would have to spend the night outside because it didn’t open until the next morning. Big Easy said he was going to pitch a tent which was sort of TMI for TAR.

Oh ha! When the back of the pack showed up at the Town Hall, the Globetrotters told them to run! run! run! There’s a clue box and you have to sign up for a time! Father/Daughter and Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord were dodging and weaving trying to find the clue box! I love the Globetrotters, and everyone had a good laugh which they probably needed because they were about to sleep on the streets in India.

The gates opened at 10 a.m. and everyone ran inside where they were greeted by a Roadblock. The Roadblock was all about flavors. One team member had to participate in an ancient Indian tradition of tea tasting. The team members had to find the flavor of tea that they had tasted in China, about two days ago in an entirely different country. To make matters worse, there was a lot of tea! There were thousands and thousands of cups of tea to taste! I have to pee just looking at all of that tea.

Old Yeller did something smart. Rather than drink a thousand cups of tea, he smelled the cups and looked at the color and immediately chose the correct cup of tea. He basically just put the “amazing” in the Amazing Race. Rather than a regular clue, Old Yeller was handed a bottle of Snapple iced tea sans label. He popped the cap off and underneath it said to go to the Tiwari tea stall to find their next clue.

Zev took a sip and had no clue what the tea tasted like. Luke was totally confused. Everyone was just randomly bringing cups of tea to the judge. Then, Jet started smelling the teas and he found the correct cup. Smell, people, smell!

Kisha selected the correct tea next, but the Sisters were confused about the Snapple bottle. Rather than look under the cap, they began asking people where the Snapple factory was and asked their cab driver to take them there. Rookie mistake, Sisters.

Back at the mile-long tea tasting, Mallory began praying to Jeezus. In India. Wrong God, lady. Kynt  selected the correct tea, and Luke escalated his freak-out. Then, Mallory smelled the teas and was able to select the correct cup. Smell, people, smell!

There were three racers left tasting tea: Luke, Flight Time, and Zev. Zev selected the correct tea next, and Margie clapped for him which is either nice, or sign language telling Luke to hurry up.

Meanwhile, the Sisters wandered around in the middle of nowhere asking people where they make Snapple. Finally, Kisha got thirsty and opened up the bottle for a sip of tea and ah ha! There’s a clue under the cap!

The “Couple” arrived at the tea stall first and received their next clue. Detour! The teams had to decide between Hindu Art or Bengali Literature. In Hindu Art, teams had to paint, dress and adorn a statue of a Hindu God. In Bengali Literature teams had to go to a bookstore and collect eight stacks of books which must be taken to a school in a rickshaw.

The “Couple” chose Hindu Art and were very happy that the body of the statue had to be painted pink and accessorized with sparkly things, just like them. Whatever, people.

Father/Daughter chose Bengali Literature. They loaded the books into a large cage attached to the back of a bicycle which I guess is a rickshaw. Then, they climbed into the cage themselves. This might be the strangest mode of transportation in TAR history.

The Cowboys and the Nerds also chose the bookshop, while the Sisters, Old Yeller and the “Couple” did the painting. Old Yeller put in ear plugs to complete the task because the music was too loud for him. Sheesh, old people!

Flight Time and Deaf Kid were still enjoying hating the tea party. Flight Time got it wrong. Deaf Kid got it wrong. Flight Time got it wrong. Deaf Kid got it wrong. Flight Time finally got it…wrong again. Then, Flight Time chose correctly, leaving Deaf Kid as the only one left at the task. Deaf Kid was annoyed and frustrated. He was crying. He was wailing. It was sad, and also….ugh. He threw himself onto the floor in a crumpled, defeated mess, crying for his mother.

I’m sorry, but I have to jump in here. Nut up, Deaf Kid! You’re being a big baby. You’re being a momma’s boy. You need to suck it up and get the job done. Oh what? You heard me? Deaf Kid sucked it up and completed the task! All of the tea people hugged Deaf Kid and carried him on their shoulders like a hero and promised to name a special new tea after him. I think one of them suggested Sobbing American. It’s a white tea. Look for it in the beverage aisle at your local Whole Foods.

Father/Daughter finished the painting Detour first and were directed to the pit stop across town at the Fountain of Joy. The Nerds finished the book delivery next, and then the Cowboys.

The Globetrotters, on the other hand, arrived at the painting task just as Father/Daughter arrived at the pit stop as Team Number One. Oh look, there’s an Amazing Race-flavored Snapple and their reward is to be the first humans to taste the tea. The tea had previously only been tasted by special tasting helper monkeys, like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. If Father/Daugher survived this tasting, Snapple would put the tea on the market. They also got a Bollywood performance and 1,000,000 rupees which I am surprised to learn is over $20,000.

The Cowboys, Old Yeller and the Nerds were all stuck in a traffic jam on the way to the pit stop and arrived at the same time, just as Phil was rolling the lifeless bodies of Father/Daughter off of the mat. I’m kidding, they survived, look for the limited edition papaya mango Snapple in the beverage department of your local Whole Foods, right next to Sobbing American Tea. The “Couple” showed up a minute later, followed by the Sisters.

The Globetrotters were in a race for last place with Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord. Both teams chose the painting task, and the Globetrotters finished first. Before heading to the pit stop, Flight Time gave Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord a hug because the Globetrotters are just such wonderful people. Although they had trouble finding a cab, they finally got one and despite some fancy editing the Globetrotters got to the pit stop first.

Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord arrived holding hands which, ugh, is part of the problem. He’s deaf, Margie, not blind! Luke sat down on the mat and broke down in another round of tears when he learned that they had been eliminated from the race. He apologized to his Umbilical Cord, and she said she was proud of him. So that’s nice. They both looked completely exhausted so this was probably for the best.

The Race continues in two weeks, when the Sisters play with dung and Zev kind of freaks out from sensory overload. There are seven teams left so we’re getting down to the wire here. Anyone want to call a winner? I’ve got my money on the Cowboys, but the Sisters are looking pretty strong, too.

Finally, today CBS announced the Amazing Race will be renewed for a 19th race.

Netflix Sunday: Party Down edition

Hey all, sorry for last week’s hiatus.  It happens.  Here’s what should have been last week’s installment:

Not a fan of sci-fi (for shame)?  Not in the mood for heavy coming-of-age dramas from the 90s?  Ready for 30 minutes of awesome at a time?  Well, Party Downis the show for you.

There are several valuable lessons to be learned here.  For one, unicorns and wizards are NOT hard sci-fi, lemons are known as “sun eggs”, and if you’re going to have an orgy party, your invitations should probably indicate as such.

Aired on Encore from 2009-2010, this show is about a group of Hollywood hopefuls working at Party Down, a second-rate catering company that while they suck, I’d love to have cater one of my events (if I was cool enough to have events, that is), where bad service, and hilarity, ensue.

Being that I’m unqualified to convey the humor of the show, I’ve decided to include a few clips for your entertainment.

Here is an apt description of the catering capabilities of the crew: Smackdown

Constance (Jane Lynch) arguing semantics: Hooker?

Fearless leader Ron Donald, calmly and rationally handling a crisis: Crisis handling

Lizzy Caplan handling a dog crap crisis; Oops

The crew has to cater a variety of parties, and is pretty much known to be the cheap alternative to good catering companies.  Their catering style normally includes someone getting high, having sex in inappropriate places and/or with costumes.  There’s also always multiple bullshit sessions and arguments with or near Henry (Adam Scott) at the bar, and inappropriate inter-employee sex between Henry and Casey (Lizzy Caplan), and a good bit of Megan Mullaley playing the anti-Karen in the second season.

The show primarily focuses on six characters, but has a constant barrage of guest stars contributing to the hilarity.  If you enjoy humor and deadpan, as well as inappropriate language and behavior, with some occasional grossness mixed in.

Until next time – enjoy your TV.

Wonder Woman: What’s in a Costume?

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Can a costume be the harbinger of doom? Yes, yes it can. The costume is the first introduction to the superhero. It’s the “Hello, hi, nice to meet you. I’m here to kick your ass.” moment of clarity.  It is that defining split-second that reassures the audience that they’re in capable hands, that all is right with the world, and that in no way is shiny plastic wearable or should be seen outside of a garbage scow under the Verrazano Bridge.


Well, we would be mistaken on that last part, apparently.

Behold what the makers of the Wonder Woman television reboot think is acceptable for an iconic super maven.  Uh, yeah. If your first question isn’t, “Who went to Party City and got one of those all-in-one Halloween costume packs that said SUPERHERO GIRL on the front?” then stop reading this, get up right now, and beat yourself about the head with a roll of pork, and then come back.

This is serious business. How could anyone look at those electric cerulean blue, Euro-technotronic pants and not say “Rave in Prague“, or “Extra in a Saw Movie?”  I couldn’t imagine anything worse had they wrapped her legs in dung and cellophane.

I get the thinking. I do really. They wanted to get away from the revealing booty-short Lynda Carter wore in the 1970’s original. I would assume the booty-short was thought to be overly sexualized, and probably not what would be considered acceptable in today’s more conservative times. Huh? Well, that would certainly explain retaining the bodacious bustier then, right? Because that is clearly not sexualized in any way. No, not at all. A red bursting bustier is just the epitome of Amish chic. But okay fine, if you want to do pants, if that is a necessity, then how about you not make them look like the cheapest pair of pantaloons ever created, eh? And even Adrianne Palicki isn’t so convinced this is a good idea. Look at her face! That face doesn’t say, “Wonder Woman, hear me roar.” It says, “I’m not fire-resistant.”

This does not bode well for the reboot. Aside from reports that David E. Kelley’s version of the show will turn the superheroine into some weepy Ally McBeal-esque faction, complete with angst and odd-ball characteristics, now it looks like we can’t even depend on a decent costume to save the show. Those of us who would like to check it out to see for ourselves are fearful of what the David E. Kelley Plastic-Legged Wonder Woman, on NBC, the ruiner of most things on television, will bring to the table in concept, writing, and effects. See how much rides on a good costume?

After all, the right costume has made or broken a heroine.


If you’re talking about slinky, sexy, cunning, and just a tad bit vulnerable, then these classic incarnations of Catwoman make the grade every time. A black catsuit and a mask was all this minx needed. In a boy’s world whenever these sirens popped up on screen they stole the show and took hold of the story just by their presence. Whether or not the new Wonder Woman will join their ranks remains to be seen. Doubtful.


Conversely, if a terrible costume is any indication of what the movie itself will produce, then the recent offerings of Catwoman and Elektra should be fair warning to any and all that attempt to step into the realm of crime fighter. I think it’s actually been proven that if the first stills come out and the costume receives bad reviews then so goes the movie. I can remember both responses to these as being pretty abysmal, and yup, the movies stunk up the screen like a festering bowl of rotten eggs hidden under the ass of a baboon.

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Once you start getting into the realm of flash and you leave simplicity behind, the total embodiment of the project can become campy and cartoonish, and the easiest identifier is a costume that just doesn’t work, or worse takes itself too seriously, and possibly too literally.

If the whole point is to add a little humor, and some light-hearted fun to this character, then perhaps something with a little more balance, and a little less eye-gobbling blue, would have been better, and less of a joke. I can’t fathom how this costume will work on any level that isn’t a spoof on the general awfulness of most female superhero costumes. I can see her running awkwardly in this. Urgh. Flying in the now absurdly comical invisible plane. Ooomph. Attempting to talk tough to bad guys. Yeesh.  I cringe….I just cringe.

Let’s just hope there’s something else left to salvage about this television reboot (Cary Elwes and Elizabeth Hurley joining the cast! No, that’s probably not it.), and that burning that costume is as easy as it looks. If nothing else, NBC, take a look at what GeekNative.com found! Not great, but better! At least it doesn’t make me want to punch your design guys with a booty-short, well, until I think about David E. Kelley, and then that itch returns. Stupid.

[Top Image via The Daily Telegraph]

American Idol Recap: There’s Not Enough Room in This Motown for the Both of Us – UPDATED

Gather round, chickens and I will tell you of the time that the Idols were handed the iconic music of Motown. Motown is some of the most singable music and yet, there are definitely some tracks of tears from the Idol stage all the way back to Hitsville, U.S.A. from some of our hopefuls. We are down to eleven, which means that not only will one unlucky Idolette will get the boot from the show tomorrow, but also from the tour and the planet. We all knew that this was going to be the equivalent of the triple jump at the Olympics for our Country Crooner, but for the rest of them, this should be easy, breezy cover band, right? Let’s just see about that.

The Good:

Thia Megia brought on a “Heat Wave” worthy of the Arizona summer. The youngin’ made it hotter than The Old Lady’s crotch in that Cache jumpsuit. Her rich tone and youth was perfectly suited for this Martha and the Vandellas ditty. Too bad it seemed like a magician cut her body in three because her head, torso and legs seemed to be separate from each other. All in all, Pochahontas redeemed herself.

That little Southern firecracker Lauren just keeps on hanging on. She is so very Kelly Clarkson that it is uncanny, even at this stage in the game. Her raspy voice and sassafrass did The Supremes well and she looked cute, too.

Jacob sang a duet with himself which is perfect on so many levels. Does he really need anyone else when he is making so much love to the audience and his own voice. You just can’t sing a DUET with your ego. I discovered, however, after watching for the show for the second time (yes, this is what I do for you, chickens. I watch the show twice to make sure there’s something I don’t miss), that if you don’t watch Jacob, he sounds better. So, after my initial angry typing of HATE HATE HATE, if you just listen to him and block out all the bunny impressions, he did well.

We knew this was going to happen but why oh why oh WHY did Country Crooner Edward E. Newman take on Stevie Wonder? I need brain bleach. It’s not that it was bad, but it made me want to cry because only Stevie should be able to “For Once in My Life.” I think they are going to make single out of that song and I bet it will do really well. Because he’s an American. A real American. Anyone want to bet me that it will be a certain Alaskan politician’s campaign song on 2012?

It pains me, PAINS me to put Paul McCreepster in on this side of the dividing line but he didn’t make me grab my rape whistle. He (thankfully) stood in one place and strummed his gee-tar and sang well enough. So there you go.

The Unacceptable:

Fozzie Wozzie is no Joe Cocker. Fozzie Wozzie was terrible – shocker! Fozzie is mad about something. Maybe it was all that Teen Spirit he was smelling last week. He scrunted “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” while performing that perilous trick of singing and walking at the same time. Not only did he look like a chicken searching for food, he sounded like he was being chased by the farmer at dinner time. Fozzie Galifianakis is too big for his beard. Time to knock him down a few pegs.

Did Stephano screw up the words colossally or did someone actually choose that arrangement? Lionel Richie should be rolling over in his grave. Don’t tell me he’s alive because he died last night hearing that jumble of words that was once his song. We really need to re-visit this video. It’s just the funniest, oddest concept. He’s a professor stalking his student – his blind student – and he asks “is it me you’re looking for?”

But I digress. Stefano, dear, you’re in trouble.

The thing about that girl you never liked in high school is that there really isn’t one thing you can point to that makes you dislike her. Well, except that time she made a play for your boyfriend. It seems that she just tries too hard all the time. All the time. And she made The Old Lady start screeching in her seat. Was Simon under there somewhere?

You know what’s not fair? Idol. You can be on top one week, and the bottom the next. I told Pia. I told her not to do this. She sang well enough but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Yes, it was so Miss America – so pretty, so perfect. Too perfect. Better pick up the pace, picante.

That’s it. No more chances for African Earth Mother Naima. She tries to hard to be different and tonight was just silliness. She finally sang mostly on key but then she went and felt the need to really “connect to her ancestors” so she threw in some African dance. Um yeah no. Miss Ross never did that and neither should you, Naima.

Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt apparently thinks that “Living for the City” is a song about a man named Stefan who reviews the club scene for tourists visiting New York. Well, New York’s hottest club is called NO. It has Lambasters (Adam Lambert impersonators), screeching Seacretins, and babies wearing chain-covered leather jackets dancing on the bar. It’s not a place anyone should visit.

Me too, Paula. Me too.

Bottom Three: Hailey (her name is written on one of the seats), Stephano, Naima.

UPDATE: So America put Thia, Stefano and Casey in the bottom three. Each deserving of it (despite my blind spot with Thia). Casey was going home until enough bleeped out moments lead to him being saved by the judges and then more bleeped out moments followed. Good job, Idol. Congrats, America. This is your 2011 Taylor Hicks.

Game Over, Man! Big Love Post-Mortem

HBO has finally parted ways with its polygamy-based show about love, faith, duty, sharing, and some other spiraled into crazy things that mostly left us shaking our heads and wondering whether it was worth it, and undoubtedly, why it was that we watched this show for five seasons.

When the show first debuted, before TLC’s bandwagon-hopping with their romantic comedy called Sister Wives, and the real life situation regarding Warren Jeffs, and most recently the removal of several compound children by Child Protective Services (Yoikes! So much ewwww.), this little show settled in to test the American view of family. What it means. And what sorts of limits we put on our own feelings, our jealousies, our acceptances, sex, and lastly, commitment. Over the course of five seasons many questions were raised about all of these themes. Did the final season and the finale answer most of them? [Stop reading here, if you’re worried about spoilers.]

Well, yes and no.

No one character escaped persecution or emerged with clean hands at the end of this final season, and each season leading up to the last created more questions than answers about who these three people at the epicenter of Big Love really were.

Nicki: The Puritanical Princess

Nicki, played expertly by Chloë Sevigny, was so wholly unlikable. She was manipulative, mean, nosy, strange, pious, unyielding, and just downright aggravating. Feh! to the absolute max. There were no limits to what she would do to get what she wanted. No amount of sneaky crap she’d conjure to hide her mistakes, and when push came to shove, it was always Nicki who made things ten times worse. Just, urgh. I never, ever, understood how they put up with her. What was the appeal? Her ties to the prophet? Her fashion sense? Her screeching “me, me, me-ing?” At some point, we find out that she was the product of abuses on the compound, and that she’s damaged in a way all the progeny of Roman Grant seemed to be.  This was expected, no? The assumption, I suppose, was to make us feel sorry for her, and create some deeper understanding, mostly to uncover what made her little rabid mind tick. This didn’t help much, but at least it gave us more to focus on other than her scheming and lying…but not much.

Margene: The Child Bride

The little naive starry-eyed nymph was just a little too much poured sugar, right? In effect she was much like a large child. She was often chastised and scolded by Nicki and Barb. And given her youth and vitality, she was often relegated to the “bearer of new fruit” role in the marriage. Just how many babies did Margene have? We finally find out in the season finale when Bill says three. I would have just assumed nine. Seriously, I had no idea. Whenever she went to her house and emerged, a new infant was attached to her body in some way. It’s no wonder the writers decided that not only will Margene be a child, bear children, think like a child, but now Bill also married her when she was sixteen! Brilliant! No, crazy, desperate and a stupid, stupid way to add false-drama to this thing! Why did they do this? As if Margene and all her infomercial oddities weren’t enough to annoy the clapboard off a trailer, now they add statutory rape to the wacky stew, because watching her pout as an adult in every episode just wasn’t enough. We really had no useful purpose for Margene if you can’t tell.

Barb: The Good Wife

Good, kind, forgiving, Barb. Barb was always my favorite. Jeanne Tripplehorn’s take on her was excellent. She never compromised her position in the family, and seemed to be the one with the most growth. She was always reaching to understand herself and what she ultimately wanted out of her life, her faith, and her relationship. She wasn’t a large child like Margene, or a damaged soul like Nicki, the more we came to understand her. Barb was someone who initially didn’t believe in polygamy, but found herself led to it, and then embracing it, perhaps selfishly, perhaps out of necessity. Is this a flaw? Perhaps, but one she tried to carry with grace. Nonetheless, I always thought Barb was too good for Bill, and his weird choices for the other wives. It seemed totally incongruous that Bill would choose the ambitious, independent Barb, and also choose Nicki and Margene, two of the neediest people in his family, next to his children.

Bill: The Fearless Leader

Bill’s a jackass. He’s always been a jackass. He’s a selfish, unforgiving, unfaithful, egotistical blowhard who’s willing to sacrifice just about anyone and everything to preserve the principles he finds important. To two of his wives he’s more father figure than husband. To the one he seemed the most devoted, he sought to diminish her. And let’s not forget Anna, who he basically just had an affair with, wanted to conveniently marry, and then knocked up. Of the four it looks like she, out of them all, came to her senses and backed away from the damaged clan after observing all of their feeble, desperate lives.

Throughout the show it became more evident that Bill was striving to be more and more Roman-like. He wanted to be a prophet in his own way, wheeling and dealing, and trading in on his friends and family in order to create success. In the end, while he rails against Albie, that distorted, sad, little man, Bill has just as much ego, and seeks just as much power to push forth his personal agendas. In his own way, he is Albie but with a different flock of followers.

 

What Did We Learn?

The Power of Three

As much as the focus began to creep away from the three women at the heart of this show, and center more on Bill and his ever reaching wants, the finale brought the focus back to the mother, the purist, and the free spirit. By the end, they are all drifting in new directions, two away from the confines of the family, and one attempting to gain what she always desired, more significance, and a step out of Barb’s shadow, but with her blessing. The scene where Nicki tells her big revelation to Barb that she knows she’s difficult is hilarious in that, we along with Barb, are saying, “I know.” And Margene, the oddly constructed dreamer, is finding what she was searching for, growth outside the family, but still maintaining her roots within it. And finally Barb now fully embracing and accepting her new role as priesthood holder and leader, can rely more on Nicki to run the home, without usurping the other in Bill’s eyes.

The Kids Are Alright

George Clooney returns to ER Sarah returns happy with baby in tow. Ben and Heather have worked out their fidelity issues and have married, sans Rhonda. No sign of Teeny, but we’re probably to assume that she like her siblings are thriving and doing well, and probably not embracing the tenants of polygamy, because just why would they put themselves through that again? There’s no word of what’s happening with Margene’s nine children now that she looks like a pixie and is sailing on the Carnival Cruise Peace Corp, but mostly we’re supposed to infer that they’re being raised by Nicki as if Marge were a wayward teen mother who’s now off to college.

Someone Pays Bill’s Check

Because HBO likes sudden, unexpected, surreal deaths (See: Omar and The Wire), Bill doesn’t die the way anyone could have predicted, at the hands of Albie, or in a car crash while singing hymns, or from a massive heart attack while on the Senate floor, no he’s killed in a random, odd way. Some neighbor has just had enough, you see? Enough of people doing things for him, like sodding his front yard. That’s as good a reason as any. So Bill is shot, and he’s now looking over his friends and family, including his mother and father who’ve gone to the great beyond like a scene from James Cameron’s Titanic, and the neighborhood he changed with his three connecting houses, two cats in the yard, yadda, yadda, and a dream of polygamous acceptance.

A Clean Finish

All in all, I don’t regret sticking with it to see where it would go. The show brought us some colorful characters, and a lot of interesting moments. Do I think the show spun out of control a bit? Yes. In the same way Weeds has driven off the side of a cliff and into a landfill? No. Was there more than a little light shed on the Mormon faith, the abuses that reside in some of these compounds, and the intricacies of polygamy. For a layman, perhaps. But for someone living the life, I’m sure Big Love barely scratched the surface. Which is to say that in the end, for all that has occurred and was brought forth in five seasons, I think Big Love’s ending was a bit too tidy. Those lingering questions and sturm and dang that went along with living the polygamous lifestyle were neatly wrapped up. With Bill’s death it seemed that all the family’s troubles including, prosecution, excommunication, ousting from the community… just went away. Poof.  In that regard, I guess you can say everything really was all Bill’s fault. Told you.

Sister Wives Recap: Wild, Wonderful Wyoming

I’m shamefully late with this recap because I was emotionally distracted by the Big Love Finale. Unfortunately, the finale was on the same night as the Real Life Concubines. I have to say, after two episodes of this new season, I am really starting to root for Albie to take charge of this group of people.

This episode focused on a family caravan to pay homage to Kody’s ancestral home in Wyoming. I know I’m not alone in wishing these people would wear nametags. There are 21 of them and they resemble each other enough to cause lots of confusion. I found this very helpful family tree on Starcasm. I think I’m going to print it so I can follow the plot a little better.

Kody explained how his family drifted from the LDS/Mormon church to polygamist fundamentalism. Here’s an important note: The Mormon church forbids polygamy. They will excommunicate people who practice plural marriage. The Mormon church also tries hard to distance itself from polygamy even though it was an integral part of the church in the 1800s. I bet the Mormon church is so annoyed because of this show because people will start getting Mormons and fundamentalists mixed up all over again.

Back in the holler where I grew up, I knew a girl whose mom was also her cousin. She also had a brother and a sister that got married and, weird as that is, it is still more normal than the relationship between Kody, Janelle, and their mothers. Remember when we found out that Janelle used to be married to Meri’s brother? That was kind of weird but Janelle waved the issue off as a weird coincidence. Now we find out that Janelle’s mom married Kody’s father and is a sister wife to Kody’s mother who is also named Genelle. So, Janelle and Kody are step-siblings and Meri’s sister wife is her former sister-in-law. But, Janelle pointed out that nothing weird is going on. Nope, not at all.

We saw quite a bit of Kody and Janelle’s mom. They sort of puttered around like an old lesbian couple. It was sort of cute. They worked together seamlessly and seemed genuinely fond of each other. Kody’s dad appeared to be an afterthought. No one talked to him much. He just sort of drifted around the ranch aimlessly. The Grandmoms described their theories on plural marriage. I loved this. Evidently, all us women have strengths and flaws. The good news is that we, as women, can minimize our flaws by obtaining sister wives with the appropriate strengths. There is no talk whatsoever of male flaws.

I must admit that the idea of sister wives is sometimes appealing. I am the most unorganized person on earth and I’d love to have a sister wife that could do the filing and cleaning around here. She could also take on the potty training duties and help me manage boogers and goldfish crackers. This would free up lots of time. I could use the time to comment on every single Crasstalk post. The more I think about this, the better it sounds. I might be up for polygamy after all. If you’re interested in becoming my sister wife, drop me an email.

This episode was an hour long and honestly, not much happened. They drove to Wyoming, killed a car, painted a crappy house, herded some cattle and McKeilty fell off a horse. Now that the novelty of the family has worn out a little, I’m not sure they’re that interesting. Kody’s mother clearly adores him to the point of worship. The kids can be tricked into thinking they’re on vacation when they’re actually providing free labor.

Speaking of McKeilty, what the hell kind of name is that? I had to turn on the close-captioning to figure out what her name was. I looked at the family tree and I also take issue with the following names: Aspyn, Ysabel, Paedon, Gwendolyn, and Truely. These are all Christine’s children. Is she trying to be hip with these spellings? It makes me stabby. It also reminds me of Brian Reagan’s routine about Hooked on Phonix.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtJLAWXO5vY.

I hope something more interesting happens in the next episode. I have high hopes for Robyn, who has been a single mom for some time. She doesn’t seem to be thrilled to take orders from Christine. Janelle made a couple of flat-out bitchy comments to Robyn so that might also boil over. My only concern is that bickering will make it seem like they’re plagiarizing from Big Love.

The Amazing Race: U-Turn-O-Rama

Where were we? Oh right, the “Couple” lost their fanny pack which contained all of their worldly and otherworldly possessions. Kynt had a queasy look about him and I got the impression that he knew he had left the waist-luggage on the gondola. Was he right? Yup. The “Couple” climbed all the way back up the mountain (via gondola) and there it was, waiting for them in some sort of makeshift lost-and-found. Kynt was so relieved that he kissed the fanny pack, which is more intimate than he has ever been with Vyxsin.

In the meantime, the Nerds learned they are still racing and had to travel by train to the city of Kunming where they were to search for their next clue in the Dounan Flower Market.

Deaf Kid and his Umbilical Cord arrived at the train station at noon and learn that there is only one train which left at 7 p.m. Sad trombones played as they realized that their lead was lost. Oh TAR, you’re such a tease with the transportation equalizers. Also? He can’t hear the sad trombones.

When the “Couple” finally reach Phil they were so overjoyed that they were still racing that Kynt kissed the clue! No he didn’t, but he wanted to kiss the clue a lot more than he wanted to kiss Vyxsin. Because they took the wrong flight, they incurred a 30 minute penalty which they would have to wait out at the next pit stop.

What happened next was strange and wonderful. It appears that Flight Time has been lugging a basketball halfway around the world in a giant fanny pack. So while they were waiting for their train, the Cowboys, the Sisters, and the Globetrotters shot some hoops in the parking lot while the Cheerleaders cheered. It was an amazing little glimpse at how much fun racing around the world can be, and I have made a mental note to bring a basketball the next time I find myself at a train station in China with seven hours to kill.

All teams boarded a triple-decker train to Kunming. What is a triple-decker train you ask? It’s a train with beds stacked three high. The top bunk looked about ten feet off of the ground, and there was no visible ladder so I assume climbing up involved a great deal of gymnastics. Or, if you’re the Globetrotters, just sitting down.

Upon arriving in Kunming, Old Yeller noted that by speaking Chinese, they have the home court advantage. Not to be outdone, the Nerds added that “Ron and Christina must know exactly where they’re going.” Because China is a small town?

The Sisters located the clue first amongst the flowery flowers of the flower market. Teams were directed to the Golden Horse and Jade Cock Memorial Arches to search for their next clue. No joke, I had to rewind three times because I thought Phil said “gay cock.” Now that would have been an interesting Detour.

Detour! The teams had a choice between honoring the past, or embracing the future. In Honor the Past, teams had to watch a traditional Tibetan performance and place a set of 15 dolls representing the characters in the show in the same order as they appeared on the stage. In Embrace the Future, teams had to offload a water heating system, carry it to the roof of a building, and properly install it.

Dance, dance, dance, dolls, dolls, dolls, and the Nerds finished the task and were the first team headed towards the dreaded Double U-Turn. The Sisters and Old Yeller were close on their heels. Because Old Yeller knows all of China everywhere, the two teams decided to follow Old Yeller’s cab.  Unfortunately, Old Yeller’s cab driver did not know China as well as they did and led all three teams to the wrong location. Oops! That’s what you get for following another team.

Over at Embracing the Future, Deaf Kid and Umbilical Cord lugged the materials up to the roof like champs! Behind them were the Cheerleaders and the “Couple” who seemed to already know about the dreaded Double U-Turn. The “Couple” were having a bit of trouble carrying heavy things because Kynt has wispy, pale little twigs for arm. To add insult to injury, the Cowboys blazed past them on the staircase like they were carrying marshmallows topped with feathers. The Globetrotters eventually showed up, picked up two toothpicks, and stepped onto the rooftop.

Deaf Kid and Umbilical Cord finished the task and headed for the dreaded Double U-Turn. When a team is U-Turned, they have to go back and complete the other task which can really slow a team down considerably. Deaf Kid arrived first and decided not to U-Turn anyone because they were pretty sure that they were in first place. Which they were. But still, it’s a race for a bazillion dollars! Play hard or don’t play at all, folks!  Another team that didn’t U-Turn anyone? The Cowboys. I don’t understand the nicey-nice strategy, but okay.

The “Couple” and the Cheerleaders arrived at the U-Turn almost at the same time, but the “Couple” muscled the Cheerleaders out of the way at the last second. First, they U-Turned the Globetrotters because they knew that they were still behind them. But what other team was behind them? Psst! They’re standing right behind you! The lightbulb went off in Kynt’s head and they U-Turned the Cheerleaders right to their faces! Ha ha! It was evil and awesome and the smartest thing they’ve done in days.

Roadblock! Teams had to take a cab to the Stone Forest outside of the city. Most of the teams bunched up and followed one cab to the Stone Forest where they had to reconstruct a 20-foot life-sized dinosaur model. The task looked really hard and physically exhausting.

The Cheerleaders arrived at the second task while the Globetrotters realized that they had been U-Turned. Poor Globetrotters. The Cheerleaders finished before they even showed up.  But, the Globetrotters made quick work of it and the Cheerleaders’ cab had to stop for gas, so the Globetrotters passed the Cheerleaders on the way to the Stone Forest.

The Nerds and Father/Daughter got totally lost and were having communication problems. At one point, they were miming “stone” and “forest.” As a result, they were the last two teams to arrive at the task.

Most teams were struggling to properly complete their dinosaur models. Father/Daughter took one look at the task and decided to use their Express Pass. Remember that? They got it for winning the first leg and it allows them to skip any task. Bam! Off to the pit stop at Green Light Park in Kun Ming Zhan!

The Cowboys did a great job of being careful and checking the diagram a million times and finished the task before the rest of the teams. They even let out a little yeeeeehaw! And, because Father/Daughter were having trouble finding a cab, the Cowboys passed them and won this leg of the Race! Another hearty yeeeehaw! and the ginger one even threw his hat in the air! And, rather than another romantic vacation, they each won $5,000 which they can spend on hats and belt buckles and other cowboy accessories. Good for you, Cowboys, I think you got your groove back!

Back at the task from hell, Jaimie was getting pissed, Zev was disassembling his dinosaur again, and Kynt climbed up on a ladder to grab the top of the dinosaur tail and did some sort of a swan dive onto the ground.

Umbilical Cord finished next, then the Sisters, then the “Couple” (who still have a 30 minute penalty to wait out), and then Big Easy who looked like he just picked up a few dinosaur bones and placed them at his feet. Finally Christina finished and I have to say, good for you, Ron. You kept your big mouth shut and let your daughter do the task without any berating or micromanaging. See how well that worked? The only teams left at the task were the Nerds and the Cheerleaders, and neither of them were even close to finishing.

Eventually, Justin finished his dinosaur. Jaimie looked like she wanted to give give up. She threw a mini-tantrum, waving her arms around like a tyrannosaurus rex, and…pressed on. Exhausted and broken, she finished the task knowing that they were going to be the last team to arrive. The Cheerleaders were eliminated, but I give them credit because they finally showed something closely resembling grace.

Next week, the teams are off to Calcutta, India and have to do a tea tasting that supposedly brings Luke to his breaking point (fingers crossed!). Also, Luke loses his sleeves.

So? Are you as happy as I am that the Globetrotters caught up and the Cheerleaders were eliminated? How badly did you want to join in that game of hoops at the bus terminal? And where exactly was Flight Time stashing that basketball?

Dining with the Duggars

Earlier this week, we discussed the Duggars on Crasstalk, and their very interesting Tater Tot Casserole recipe was mentioned. Never one to back down from a challenge, I decided to see what made this so special that it was “One of Daddy’s Favorites!” Here is the recipe in its entirety:

DUGGAR’s TATER TOT CASSEROLE

  • 2 lb ground turkey cooked, seasoned, drained
  • 3 2lb bags tater tots
  • 2 cans cream of mushroom
  • 2 cans evaporated milk
  • 2 cans cream of chicken
  • Brown meat and place in large casserole dish.
  • Cover with tater tots. Mix soup and milk together.
  • Pour over top. Bake at 350 for 1 Hour.
  • (One of Daddy’s Favorites!) Makes two 9” x 13” pans

Tres chic, no? Time to get ingredients. Don’t be fooled by the exotic components, most of these items can be found at your local grocery store. Since I’m not feeding a family of 20, I decided to half the recipe. When I bake, this is a bitch to accomplish, but this recipe is so elegant in it’s simplicity that halving it was a cinch. So, with my ingredients gathered, it was time to begin.

1) Brown meat and place in a large casserole dish – Simply enough. I decided to take a big risk and add some dill, oregano and bay to the mixture, since I’ve had Midwest cooking before.

 

2) Cover with tater tots – Being lazy, I just dumped everything in the pan. I’ve seen pictures where the tots are lined up in rows. Sorry folks, but that’s too much for work for this dish.

3) Mix soup and milk together and pour over top  – I wasn’t sure if I was going to have enough of the gloopy mess to cover all the tater tots, but I managed to make it work. The middle *was* a bit thicker then the edges, but I hoped it would settle in the oven.

4) Bake at 350 for 1 hour  – No prob! I watched TV while the casserole baked. This is what it looked like when it came out of the oven! My roommate commented on the scent (smells good!) when it came out of the oven, but since he’ll eat anything, I didn’t think much of it.

Finally, the taste test! I wanted to pair this with a smooth chateunfeuf D d’Soleil, but I had to settle for Cherry Limeade. Unsurprisingly, this was completely bland (like some of the men I date!). The meat mixed effortlessly with the tater tots until I couldn’t tell where one began and the other ended, held together by the soup/milk mixture. I believe that the Power of God must have been a part of the recipe since not even the dill could inject flavor into this dish. It was truly a recipe for those who need nothing more then the love of God in their lives.

Time – 5 out of 5 Guys. Actually work was 15 minutes, though, you still have to wait an hour for it to bake.

 

 

Prep – 4 out of 5 Altons. The prep was pretty damn easy. Mac and cheese is probably harder.

 

 

Taste – 1.5 out of 5 Paulas. Utterly boring. Lacked cheese, or salt or pizza.

 

 

Overall – 1 out of 5 Julias. Sure it was easy, but it was boring as hell. Completely inoffensive in a forgettable way (until you get a heart attack).

 

 

25 Seasons of The Real World — That’ll Do, MTV. That’ll Do.

Well this thing has become trash. And not trash in the way The Jersey Shore is “trash.” There are no misconceptions about what The Jersey Shore is supposed to be. Social experiments aside, The Jersey Shore is about self-aware individuals who are content in their lifestyle, their partying, their day-to-day idiocy and free-for-all antics. It’s not about the meshing, diversity, or growth of the individuals involved. This is what The Real World once brought to the table.

Now the lowest common denominator of themes in reality television has taken root in this once ground-breaking show. All the things that are a quick recipe for ratings — alcohol, partying, sex, and fights, often some variation of all three done simultaneously, are depicted season after season. When we once could predict who could potentially clash due to their backgrounds, faith, sexuality, culture, diversity, values, or loyalties — now it’s just about who gets so drunk that they show themselves to be a supreme dick — or who is so emotionally damaged that it’s a crapshoot whether or not the show will be cathartic, or a trigger for some unpredictable epic meltdown. Unquestioningly, MTV seems more interested in pushing someone to the brink of insanity and less concerned about a dialogue that works to close gaps between people. It’s pretty disheartening to see such a fall of a once prolific show and dare I say the grandfather of all reality shows of its ilk.

What’s Going Wrong?

The people. Yes, it’s the people. No matter what ethnicity or background, MTV has decided that it’s less lucrative to have interesting, dynamic people on the show. Now it’s best to have similar carbon copy clones of the same person just walking around in different skin. Remember how they would spend time unveiling the layers to each person — who had a job, who was in school, what their home life was like, what their hopes, dreams, and fears were? Yes, well, now it’s one big mish-mash of “Woo-hoo! I’m going to hook up, pass out, get arrested, and then go on the Challenge series and win money!” It’s also become a game of trying to guess who the mystery madman is. Who the abuse victim is, and what two potentially damaged souls are going to hook up and have an odd, abusive, co-dependent relationship. (They’re repeating this trope with Sammi and Ron on the Jersey Shore and we’re sick of that too.)

But The Real World was supposed to be better than this. After all, this was the show that discussed issues of race, homophobia, sexuality, AIDS, and substance abuse. And it’s not as if there aren’t still thought-provoking stories to tell, and unique young people out there who are able to tell them. MTV has just gotten lazy, and has decided that the writhing horde is only satisfied with drama, abuse, and drunkenness. Let’s take a look at what we’ve got so far with the 25th season of the show.

Adam — Self-ascribed “Bad Boy.” We’ll call him poseur-douche. Yah, yah, he did time in Juvie. Which is his current claim to fame. He can’t wait to tell each cast member this little gem. MTV has identified him as the loose cannon, so we expect drunken flip-outs, fights, possibly an arrest, and basically the alienation of the entire house. But, not to be outdone, MTV has also given us someone with control issues when it comes to women. He’s stalky and manipulative. All signs point to abusive tendencies.

Nany — Lover of self-ascribed “Bad-Boys.” She enters the house with one for a boyfriend back home. She’s drawn to Adam — of course — despite her plaintive cries that she’s on The Real World for more independence, since this was something that she was not getting in her current relationship. Great. Previews show her getting into a negative cycle with Adam where she basically becomes his co-dependent apologist. Fantastic.

Dustin — Boyish frat boy. Look up all things you’ve seen ever about boyish frat boys and you’ll find Dustin. He’s had a bit of a troubled home-life, but this has become par for the course for MTV. He’s already displayed some possessive tendencies along with his easy-going charm, and his liberal use of hip-hop speak when angry is just comical. He has a secret. He’s not gay per se, but he did do a little experiment that involved a house full of attractive young men and a continuous web cam. This will probably bring up questions about his sexuality…but he’s probably not gay, just attention seeking.

Heather — Pretty, blonde, petite suburban good-girl — but also a huge party girl. She’s already piqued the interest of Dustin and lands squarely into the first fight of the season between two male cast-mates. She will most likely enter into a relationship with Dustin which may cause problems — problems which MTV loves. Prepare for grainy hookup footage of Dustin and Heather, and the potential for uncomfortable moments down the road. Cue crying in the confessional and a punch through a wall.

Michael — Small town guy with views on faith, politics, science, religion etc. He’s a Libertarian. Should be interesting, right? Well, he tries to discuss some of these things with his cast-mates and their response…”I dunno, dude. Let’s do shots!” We expect Michael, who has some demons in his past, to get frustrated quickly, and perhaps show the roommates more about himself than they anticipated.

 

Naomi — MTV lists her as a “Hispanic firecracker.” Um, okay. I assume that should say it all then?  Of course there’s more to her than that, but in the first two episodes they’ve shown very little with the exception of her saying that she didn’t understand what Michael was talking about during one of his monologues. Oh, and there may be a pregnancy scare in Naomi’s future. Not something we’ve seen on the show since Tami Trishelle in Vegas (Uno). We’re not excited.

Leroy — The ladies man who walks into the house and sizes up the bedroom choices for premiere hookup ability. Hmm, yes. He’s on the show for one reason and one reason only so it seems. We don’t think Leroy intends to grow and learn from this experience with the exception of things that have to do with a carnal nature. He’s already led the stampede to the hot tub, instigated a sticky truth or dare situation, and by episode two he’s one of the first to hookup with an outsider. Here‘s to hoping there’s more to his story for whatever that’s worth. Also, he’s the one Naomi has the pregnancy scare conversation with, so there’s that.

So many, many similarities to cast members of seasons from the last few years, right? Sure, it seems that MTV is putting their eggs into the Jersey Shore basket. But instead of trying to make The Real World either compete with that or try to outdo it, perhaps it’s just time to call it quits with this season, eh? It’s no longer fun or rewarding. Given the current dynamic MTV employs, there really isn’t any new story to tell here, and it doesn’t seem that they’re looking to add anything new to the genre. And if The Real World is supposed to be a small microcosm of what is going on in the lives of young twenty-somethings, than that world just seems like a hollow, depressing place to be, and so very narrow in its thinking.

There are a number of shows that depict young people proliferating in the superficial, sensational spectacle that is reality television, but if you’re going to offer the world Jersey Shore, which is unapologetically debased on purpose for our entertainment, shouldn’t you also offer the world a point of view that highlights the better parts of being young and twenty-two?