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American Idol Recap: Unlucky Number 7 – UPDATED

This is not good. This really is not good. When the night starts off with the singtestants who have been voted off in the prior weeks: Gloria Estefan, Jr., Earth Mother Naima, Not Diana Ross, Pocohantas, Clever Girl, and the man you shield your child’s eyes from, it is not a good sign for the rest of the night. They came out screaming Pink’s redemption song, “So What,” and I couldn’t agree more. No, you are not a rock star. Not at all. In fact, you didn’t even win the tenth season of American Idiot. Who’s gonna win, asks the Fly Girl. The reason she asks is because no one knows. That’s how bad this week was.

Let’s just reflect for a moment on the twatwaffle that is Paul McCreepster. He was brought back and allowed to wear the only clothes in his bedazzled hobo bag. You see, after spending his last sheckels on this Elvis Impersonator knock-off, it’s all he’s has to wear (the last one being his selection for last night’s thing of my nightmares). Here’s the evidence:

Look McCreepster. We see you AND your magic suit of roses. We do. Now, go take a nap somewhere with Solange Knowles, Karina Smirnoff and the Karadashians. Moving on to the performances that actually matter.

I will not slash your tires this week:

It’s so nice that Courtney Love got a weave and a gig singing back-up for Idol singestants. She did a great job singing with that little trollop from high school, Hailey. Hailey has the crazy phantom Mariah hand but the love-child of Joan Osborn and Natasha Bedingfield chose a song that fit that gritty voice of hers and oh how she growled. How has she not lost her voice yet? Better yet, why? Adele will always and forever do everything better than this little captain of the cheerleaders, including breathing, but her performance didn’t make you scrunch your face up and cry into a pillow like when she stole your boyfriend.

One thing that is missing on the regular from Idol is someone who brings the R&B. And not in the Luther/Teddy Bear way but someone more like an Usher or a Ne-Yo. Not since that kid who wore the hat every week has any man tried to dance and sing at the same time. No, not George Huff. The other guy. So for that reason, I appreciated Stefano’s performance. Plus, arms.

Have an antifreeze-laced smoothie:

Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt has completed his move into Adam Lambertsville. He unpacked his chains, hung the leather curtains and sound-proofed the boudoir. What in the Mad Max and the Thunderdome is this, anyway? Watch if you dare, but I do not recommend it. My ears are bleeding and every dog in the neighborhood is at my door.

Get that aw-shucks-country-bumpkin offa mah tee vee. “Run around like you did for you last girlfriend,” says The Old Lady to Alfred E. Newman. Oh right. Like he’s had one. YOU HAD A DECADE WORTH OF SONGS AND THIS IS WHAT YOU PICKED?! This was something that some dudes in Nashville drummed up over their Starbucks venti mocha frappaccinos one afternoon. And shut up, audience. Stop clapping. You too, mee-maw. You know what? You are all kicked out. Every last one of you. My laser site (relax, it’s a cat toy) was on Alfred E. Newman’s wiggly bobblehead within 2 seconds of him singing “we were swinging.” I wish I could sweep his legs like Ralph Macchio did at the end of Karate Kid. Wax on, get off.

Jacob is a trickster. He knew what day it was. He knew was Luther’s birthday yesterday. He chose that day to bring out his Luther and it was so NOT Luther. I suppose Jiminy Cricket just gave up and gave in to Jacob and his cheeseballs. So he got to tell us that his father died when he was young, and that he wanted to sing this song for him. That’s sad, truly. But to sing this song about Luther’s deceased father, on Luther’s birthday, and dedicated to his own deceased father? Pass the bottle.

Speaking of hitting the bottle, The Old Lady got bleeped twice. TWICE! This is American Idol, lady. A family show. Despite Fozzie Bear’s increasingly crazy eyes (during a Maroon 5 song?), the judges tripped over themselves to praise the gingerbread headed wonder. No talking about choosing a Maroon 5 song, huh? Nothing at all? And adding to the silliness, Seacretin came out wearing a beard. No, Julianna Hough was not draped over his shoulders. He was making a funny by fake gluing on a fake beard. Oh Seabiscuit, we are so on to you.

So little Lauren got a gift certificate to Wet Seal and sang some stupid song that would have made Simon’s eyes roll so far back into his head that they would have been lost like your poor meatball all covered with cheese. This was 100% Velveeta and she knew it. Everyone knows it. Has anyone on this season’s Idol heard of any of the following country artists: The Dixie Chicks, Alyson Krauss, Dolly Parton? Apparently not. Truth is, there is no one here this season to put the fear of Gawd in their little patoots. Simon would have taken a lightsaber to this night. Here we are, a perilous six weeks away from the next Idol being crowned and we are being served up benign drivel in a denim and lace mini-skirt.

So the interns at Jive Records are staying up late tonight, trying to get ready for whichever singtestant manages to outlast the others. After tonight, there is no winning, there is only staying alive – and by that, I mean those of us who watch the show every week.

**Author’s note: Upon review, I have noticed that I have twice practically quoted The Old Lady’s comments. I’m going to take some time, get jury duty drunk, and think about my life choices.

Bottom Three: Jacob, Alfred E. Newman (ohpleaseohpleaseohplease), Stefano

UPDATE: For the love of humanity, Idol. As if “Soul Sister” has not invaded every elevator, commercial, grocery store and orifice in America, you inflict it upon us. And it only gets worse, I don’t care how you feel about Coldplay (you’re probably wrong) but to have Baby Lock Them Doors to utter any lyrics from this band is like a lizard walking upright. I saw my future, and it was not pretty.

So Jacob gets his chance to speak the most, which everyone knows, means he’s on the chopping block. Diva? Defend yourself. Technical glitch? Defend yourself. Also, sit down…in the ejector seats.

Oh David Cook is there! Remind me again of who he is, mamma forgets. He’s last season’s winner? You don’t say? Why is every single thing he did on Idol better than that crap he sang? He looked hot, though.

Okay! Back to the dramz. Whatever on the dramz – Stefano got sent to the plastic chair of death. Surprise, surprise, surprise – not!

Then normally candy coated Katy Perry came out as Sigourney Weaver from Alien and sang with fake Kanye. Wait a minute! Kanye showed up in his ferret pelt coat that has been around the world maybe on too many times. I get the feeling that thing stinks as bad a roadkill. Good performance, though (for the people there).

The show returns and they do the lovefest “dim all the lights” [sweet darlin’ cuz tonight is on its way]. Our little rigatoni is going home. Our David Archuletta the Second is gone. Is R&B dead? Is it? Ursher seems to be doing okay but maybe this genre is experiencing a lull. Maybe, perhaps ‘Muricah wasn’t ready for the Italian Stallion to sing and hip thrust. So here we are. Carol King is next up. Best be ready to cut a bish.

The Amazing Race: Freudian Slips

Welcome back, Race spectators! One disclaimer here–I couldn’t find any decent photos of this leg of The Amazing Race, so I just gave you all what you wanted, which is gratuitous shots of the Cowboys looking adorable, and apparently the TAR graphics from The Season That Dare Not Ever Repeat Itself. Okay enough with the small talk, let’s just jump right in, shall we?

The Globetrotters left the seventh pit stop in a race around the world at 2:07 a.m., which is a crappy time to leave a pit stop because there generally are no flights, trains, etc. in the wee hours of the morning. The clue directed teams to a travel agency where they purchased airline tickets to Vienna, Austria. In the cab ride to the travel agency, Flight Time noted that Austria is where the Terminator is from, and we were treated to several not-so-good impressions of Ahhhnold. As a side note (and because this is tax season), my accountant sounds exactly like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and it is impossible to leave his office without saying, “I’m going to tuuuhhhminate your reeeefund,” at least once. Okay twice. Pretty much the entire walk to the F train. Anyway….

The Nerds left next, followed by the Sisters, Father/Daughter, the “Couple,” and the Cowboys. After reading the clue, Mallory remarked, “Vienna, is that cold?” Seriously? Shut up shut up shut up! She is such a moron! Vyxsin noted that they were the only dating couple left in the race, and that having a romantic relationship with your racing partner is a little bit different. They’re really stretching that “couple” thing to its breaking point, along with my last nerve.

At the travel agency, the teams learned that there were two different routes to Vienna. One had two connecting flights and arrived at 6:00 a.m., and another had three connecting flights and arrived at 5:35 a.m. All teams chose the earlier flight…except the Cowboys. They made a power move which banked on the other teams running into problems with the extra connection. How’d that work out for them? Not so good. The 5:35 a.m. flight got in first, which left the Cowboys in last place. Again.

Once in Austria, the teams had to choose a Ford Focus in the airport parking garage. The cars were equipped with some sort of modern techmonology that allowed Phil to speak to the teams on a magical screen attached to the dashboard. Phil told the teams to drive in reverse and read the clue on the magical screen, which looked as dangerous as it sounds. Imagine five cars all parked near each other backing up at the same time. Oh, and the winners of this leg will receive a Ford Focus with a magical screen.

Miraculously, there was no five-car pile-up in the parking garage and the teams discovered that they had to drive to “Schloss Schallaburg.” Father/Daughter were having problems figuring out the magical screen because he is an old and she is a moron. In the interim, the Cowboys arrived at the parking garage, which makes me wonder how in the heck Father/Daughter let a half hour slip past them.

The Nerds were the first to arrive in Schloss and learned that “Schallaburg” was a castle where they received a clue directing them to the local library. It looked bitter cold outside, and each team had a different approach to clothing. Vyxsin, naturally, had puffy pink earmuffs, while the Globetrotters were wearing shorts. The Nerds just sucked it up and added another thin layer to their pasty skin. No one looked comfortable with the weather, but it seemed to have taken an especially harsh toll on the “Couple” who were fighting like cats and chiwawas. At one point, Vyxsin told Kynt to stop acting like a chick, which was funny because I’ve been saying that since Day One.

When the Nerds arrived at the library, they were greated with a Detour! They had a choice between a long hard walk or a quick and easy meal. In Long Hard Walk, teams had to go to the Freud Museum and pick up an analyst couch which they then had to transport one mile to the University of Vienna. In Quick And Easy Meal, teams had to go to a giant ferris wheel where they each had to eat a local meal in the dining car of the ferris wheel. The trick for this one was, they had to eat all of the food during one twelve-minute rotation of the ferris wheel. Oh yeah, that’s the one to go with. At this point, I was openly chanting, “Pick the wheel! Pick the wheel! Pick the wheel!”

As luck would have it, the Nerds, the Sisters, and Father Daughter picked the wheel! The Globetrotters and the “Couple” wisely chose the couch thing. More on that later, but first, let’s discuss the ill-advised meal.

The Sisters started first and were each faced with several large pieces of meat that looked like it was battered and fried, with a small salad on the side and a slice of chocolate cake. Twelve minutes, ladies! They were using knives and forks and that did not seem like the correct way to approach a plate full of food and a time limit, but kudos to them for hanging on to whatever dignity they had left. The Nerds were next, and Zev suggested eating the mound of food “slow and steady.” That also didn’t sound like a good strategy. Six minutes into it, the Sisters were about halfway done with their main coarse and hadn’t even started on the cake yet. The Nerds had made a bit more progress, but Zev was slowing down at the halfway mark, at which point the boys clearly realized that choosing this task was a terrible idea.

The Sisters and the Nerds failed and were off to move couchs. Father/Daugher tried next. With four minutes left, they started snarfing down their food….and failed. Mallory, ever the go-getter, volunteered to throw up and try again, but thankfully her father decided to call it quits and move on to the moving of the couches.

Over at the couches, the Globetrotters got to the Freud Museum first, and oh my, Big Easy picked up that couch and carried it on his shoulder like it was nothing. The “Couple” were having a tough time with the carrying and lifting because Kynt’s arms are made of bendy straws filled with jelly. Oh, and because he wouldn’t stop whining like a little bitch.

The Sisters did a great job of carrying their couches. The Nerds were struggling a bit, and just as they brought their couch out of the museum, the Cowboys showed up. That put a little spring back into the Cowboys’ two-step because they knew that they were back in the race. At one point Cord said, “I was thinking it might have been faster if I lay on the couch, worry about my feelings, and Jet could push me.” They stopped just short of a proper Freud joke, so sorry boys, close but no cigar.

The Globetrotters delivered their couch first and received the next clue which directed them to a restaurant in Salzburg. The “Couple” delivered their couch next, then the Sisters. The poor Nerds were absolutely dying with their couch delivery. They got bad directions at the University and carried their couch up three flights of unnecessary stairs, which allowed the Cowboys to pass them. When Father/Daughter finally delivered their couch last, they counted the couches and saw that there were five others already there, which put them in last place.

The Globetrotters found the clue box in Salzburg first. Roadblock! Chimney sweeping! One team member had to dress in a chimney sweep uniform, climb to the roof, use a special tool to clean a chimney, and then climb back down to retrieve their clue. Big Easy’s uniform looked ridiculously small. Come on, TAR, you can make a suit of armor for a midget but you can’t make a chimney sweep uniform for a giant?

Big Easy moved quickly and was finished before anyone else even showed up. The clue directed teams to the pit stop at Villa Trapp, the real home of the Von Trapp family.

The Nerds arrived next, and what was that? Did Zev just make a “that’s what she said” joke? As in, “Make [the rope] bigger, that’s what she said.” It’s not great, but considering this is Zev we’re talking about, it’s not bad. Zev finished the task next, then the Sisters followed by the “Couple.” Then, the Cowboys arrived, and oh my, Jet or Cord (I’m not sure which, the ginger one) looked really kind of hot in his chimney sweep uniform.

And holy crap, the Nerds were the first team to check in at the pit stop! How did they beat out the Globetrotters? I have no idea. But they won cars! Well, good for them, they looked as surprised as I was. The Globetrotters checked in next, then the “Couple.”

The Cowboys finished the Roadblock before Father/Daughter even showed up and checked in at the pit stop at the same time as the Sisters.

Father/Daughter were the last team to arrive, but it was a non-elimination leg. I am not happy about this because Father/Daughter annoy me for some reason I can’t quite explain. She’s just too peppy. I’m not into pep. I’ll choose a maudlin cynic over a peppy cheerleader every time and I’m sick of seeing her happiness on my dummy box.

Anyhoo, next week Father/Daughter fight to stay in the Race and the teams enjoy fondue in Switzerland. So we’re getting down to the wire here, with six teams remaining. Any predictions? Are you happy with the final teams? Does this season make you want to run the Race or remain safely tucked into your couch? And the most important question of all, which cowboy is hotter?

Game of Thrones: Recap and Recon

Well, it finally happened. Considering the slew of broken promises that George R. R. Martin fans had dealt with in the last few years, and the general awfulness of on-screen adaptations of fantasy novels, few of us had held out much hope when he first announced tentative plans for a pilot episode to be possibly picked up by HBO. But as the date drew near and the unprecedented marketing blitz of subway posters, food trucks serving medieval fare, and the Iron Throne itself being wheeled around the city, it started to dawn on me: this is really going to be a Thing.

With that, I give you my reaction to the premiere: HBO’s Game of Thrones is an ambitious yet faithful adaptation of what is perhaps the best-written and most genre-transcending example of fantasy fiction, boasting pitch-perfect casting and a masterful use of dramatic tension that– BOOBIES!!! I SEE BOOBIES!!!

*Ahem* sorry about that. As I was saying, the casting is so spot-on that it’s almost frightening. While usually everyone has their own ideas about what characters in books should look like, Martin’s descriptions are so detailed leave little room for interpretation. Furthermore, many fans’ preconceptions were colored by the amazing series of character portraits by Amok, which gained semi-official status when they were linked to by every major ASOIAF fan site. There were some minor quibbles on my part – Sansa and Cersei were not quite as striking as the books described and Theon Greyjoy looked far too old – but overall, my expectations were exceeded.

As for other similarities to the source material, the series is faithful without being slavish. I was a little disappointed at the cutting of the prologue. In the book, Ser Waymar Royce, the bossy and arrogant leader of the expedition, is given a bit of character redemption as he bravely faces and duels the white walker before meeting his inevitable end. Further on, all fans were pleased by the inclusion of Ned’s famous dictum: “The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword.” But the continuation that was left out was equally classic: “If you would take a man’s life you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear that, perhaps he does not deserve to die.” Finally, to touch on an uncomfortable subject, the last scene with Daenarys and Khal Drogo was far closer to rape than in the book. On the one hand, this is a more realistic and frank representation, considering the circumstances of her forced marriage. On the other, it’s the result of the series having so far skipped over her gradual internal transformation as she grows to love the Khal and accept her place among the Dothraki.

Having watched the premiere with three friends who had not read the books and had little interest in fantasy, seeing them become immersed in the world of Westeros was almost as pleasing as the show itself. And while I was afraid of being “that guy”, I found that they actually appreciated my occasional brief explanations of who was who and what was what, as they found it hard to pick up the many names being thrown at them. Thus I leave you with this handy guide I made for them so they weren’t tempted to go to Wikipedia and stumble upon awful spoilers. Print this out for future viewings and thank me later.

The world:

The seven kingdoms are on one huge continent called Westeros. They take up most of the continent, except whatever is north of the Wall. There is another larger continent to the east “across the narrow sea” which is where the exiled girl and her brother are.
The Wall is the northern border, guarded by the Night’s Watch. Beyond it there are outlaws known as wildlings, and other things unknown.
Seasons last for years. Right now it has been an unusually long and prosperous summer, but as Ned says, “Winter is coming”.
The seven kingdoms are ruled by one king from the capital city of King’s Landing, and each individual kingdom has its own Lord. They each have their own culture and were independent in the past, so the strength of the union depends mainly on the strength of the king.

The main characters:

Sean Bean is Eddard “Ned” Stark. His wife is Catelyn Stark (nee Tully) The children, from oldest to youngest are:

Robb: Red-haired bloke, oldest legitimate son.
Jon Snow: Ned’s bastard son, same age as Robb.
Theon Greyjoy: the asshole who wanted to kill the wolf pups and acts like a dick to Jon snow. Not Ned’s son but a ward of the Starks – taken as a permanent hostage from a family defeated in an unsuccessful uprising, and raised along with the Stark children.
Sansa: The boy-crazy airhead girly-girl.
Bran: The kid who likes to climb.
Arya: The tomboyish troublemaker.
Rickon (may not have shown up yet): The youngest child at three years old.

-Lyanna Stark is Ned’s dead sister that King Robert had been engaged to.
-Benjen Stark is Ned’s younger brother who serves in the Night’s Watch at the Wall.
-Lysa Arryn (nee Tully) is Catelyn’s sister who had been married to the late Jon Arryn.

The king is Robert Baratheon. His wife is Cersei Lannister. Jaime is her twin brother, Tyrion the dwarf is their younger brother. Tywin Lannister (who hasn’t shown up yet) is their father. Joffrey is the prince and oldest child. There are also two younger children: Tommen and Myrcella. King Robert also has an older brother named Stannis and a younger one named Renly.

The two exiled royal children are Viserys and Daenarys Targaryen. Their father was King Aegon Targaryen II, overthrown by Robert and Ned over a decade ago. Khal Drogo is the horselord Daenarys marries.

That should be all. See you next week!

CrassCartoons: Home Movies

Welcome to the first edition of CrassCartoons. As you all know, I love cartoons, so I thought I would share some of the cool stuff out there with my fellow nerds and adult children. Hopefully, we can do this every Saturday.

First, let me explain that I am not pretentious enough to call this animation. While some cartoons indeed transcend into high art, that is usually not what I am discussing. I like plain, old cartoons. The kind you watch while hanging out on the couch, eating pizza, and maybe enjoying a bong hit if you are so inclined.

I am not a historian on this topic by any means, and I am not a particularly good fangirl, but I will do my best to find interesting stuff to share. Please send me any suggestions at crasstalk at gmail dot com so I can include them in future installments.

This week I am going to discuss one of my favorite cartoons ever Home Movies, which started running on UPN in 1999, but was picked up by The Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim in 2001 (the show ended production in 2004). The show was produced by Soup2Nuts studios, which also did Dr. Katz, and like that show it was originally created using Squigglevision. However, the show went to flash animation from the second season on.

Here’s an example of what Squigglevision looks like from the first season of Home Movies. Note: Contains an awesome cameo by Mitch Hedburg.

Home Movies was created by Brendon Small (who shares his name with the main character) and Loren Bouchard; it was produced by animator Tom Snyder. The series follows the adventures of Brendon Small an eight year old aspiring film maker. Brendon makes movies with his two friends Melissa and Jason and lives in a slightly absurd world of elementary school politics and imperfect adults. Supporting characters include John McGuirk, the soccer coach, and Paula Smalls, Brandon’s down to earth mother. Each episode usually follows Brandon through some sort of kid difficulty and features a movie that Brandon and his friends are working on.

The show features smart, sarcastic writing and dialogue-driven plots. It features the voice talent of H. John Benjamin (Dr. Katz, Archer, Bob’s Burgers), Paula Pondstone (later replaced by Janine Ditullio), and a great rotating cast of cameos by comedians like Mitch Hedburg and Louis C.K. The show also features fun musical numbers that are a preview of Small’s later work on Metalocalypse.

Here’s a couple of fun clips.

Home Movies also has probably the best two gay cartoon characters ever, Perry and Walter.

While the show has been out of production for a number of years, it still runs occasionally on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim and clips can be found all over the internet. I will leave you with this full episode, which I think is one of the best, and seems like an appropriate shout out to greater Nerdom to wrap up our first installment.

Watch Home Movies – S3E06 – Renaissance.avi in Animation | View More

Meet the Little Flockers

My life has been rather crazed as of late, so I apologize for the absence of chicken updates. This has been a rather inopportune time to have new babies in my charge, but it has also been a welcome distraction.

Chicken Mailer — This box is smaller than 8x11

The twelve chickens arrived via the United States Postal system in this box:

Yes, they were all jammed in there the day of their hatching and then shipped out. They had plenty of wiggle room, but I am sure they huddled together for warmth. Immediately upon getting them home I had to teach them how to eat and drink by shoving their heads into the water and food dispensers under the warm glow of the infrared brooder box I made with a Trader Joe’s Box and a red infrared light to keep them a toasty 95F.

The stress of the travel and new home gave the chickens a bad case of pasty butt, which is very common. For those not in the know, pasty butt is when the poop of the chickies blocks their vent — the place from which they both poop and eventually lay eggs.

Sort of goes against the whole idea of don’t shit where you eat, but that is Mother Nature for you.

This is life threatening so you must remove the pasty butt. The babies hated it as I needed to dunk their rear ends in warm water to soften the poop up and then remove it; usually with some feathers or down. Lots of struggling went on, but when a baby weighs about 4 oz, I was able to show that poop who was boss.

After curing the pasty butt and preventing further occurrences by giving them ground-up golden flax seed, life on the farm proceeded as it does during spring time — noisily. I had to move the babies to a bigger brooder box because they outgrew the initial one. Each week I will raise the infrared lamp up a touch to lower the brooder box temp. The chickens no longer need it to be 95 F because they are growing feathers at a rapid rate. They will head outdoors once they are fully-feathered which should be in the next two weeks or so.

We had a naming contest a while back. Frankly they all looked the same, so it was useless to assign a name at that time. Now that they are getting feathers, it is easy to tell them apart. Below are the winners. Meet the new flock!

Elizabird Taylor is a Salmon Faverolle (MotherGooch).

Elizabird is beautiful, gentle, loving and supports AIDS research. On the down side, she is likely to steal her best friend’s cock.

Mushpickle is a Speckled Sussex (BBQCornuts’ son).

Mushpickle loves to snuggle. It is fun to say “Mushpickle is a Speckled Sussex.” Go on, say it like 10 times, really fast.

Margaret Hatcher is an Silver Cuckoo Maran (TackyTick).

Margaret is stoic and supports Trickle Down economic theory. She also misses The Gipper. She is one of my faves.

Henifer Lopez is a Buff Orphington (DogsofWar).

Henifer is needy and will get a big rear end.

Maude is a Naked Neck (Homoviper).

Maude is noisy.

Nuggets is Buff Orphington (Dahl and The_Obvious).

Nugget loves to sit in my hand. I bet she’d like honey mustard.

Foxy is a Silver Cuckoo Maran (DidacticTactics).

Foxy is going to be a pretty bird, but I found it distressing to name a bird Foxy given we lost north of 12 birds last year to a fox.

Cadbury is an Easter Egger (Dancing Queen).

Cannot wait for Cadbury’s blue or green eggs. She also tends to hop about.

General Tso is one of the wildcards and I haven’t figured out which breed she is yet (The_Obvious via Dahl).

I am looking forward to figuring out what General Tso is. I wonder if, once I find out what she is, if I will become hungry again.

Camilla is a Salmon Faverolle (Six Thirty).

Camilla is sweet-natured and gets bullied by Maude constantly. Where is Gonzo when you need him? Men.

Mavis is a Speckled Sussex. (EDIT: I forgot to credit Cornflowerbleume)

She has a fondness for cocks with big chins.

Gayle is a Speckled Sussex (Dancing Queen).

Her best friend will be a Black Orphington named Oprah.

Other notable names that didn’t make the cut:

From BaldwinP a very long list of chicken dishes including A la King, Kiev, Tikka and Vindaloo. BaldwinP had lots of Fonzes (yes, I think the Fonz should be a proper noun), but I couldn’t figure out for which name. So sorry BaldwinP, you lose. DidacticTactics thought Dix (as in Dixie Chicks) would be a great name so we could have lots of dick jokes. I have to agree and my husband thought it was a most excellent idea — maybe the next batch of birds. Someone who clearly doesn’t know me well suggested Justice Ginsberg; aside from the fact she physically resembles a bird, that name would never do at chez momof3.

Of course, if I ever get a rooster it will be named DearBrutus as he has a big cock as he proudly told us all. However in my experience, those who crow the most about their size tend to have {ahem} performance issues.

*A special thank you goes to my 10-year old daughter Megan who snagged most of the chicks for me before school today so I could photograph them. Although she will never read this post and thank you due to all the cock references.

Top image via Fishboy

American Idol Recap: Movie Magic – UPDATED

Welcome to Hollywood! What’s your dream? Is it to sing a song from a forgettable movie? You’re in luck! American Idol will promise you the world and then crush your dreams, in one fell swoop. Elvira is there? Is she going to be revealed as Seacretin’s mother? She truly is the Mistress of Milking of 15 Minutes of Fame. Take lessons, Idol Singtestants, because we won’t remember any of you in 6 months.

Reaching for the stars and catching them:

Witch! She’s a witch! Lauren made me like a Miley Cyrus song. I love that Kelly Clarkson is on tonight because you will understand what I mean by the comparison between Lauren and Kelly – The Greatest Idol of All Time (TM). I hope there’s a grand sing off a la…

VH1’s Divas Live. Dammit I miss that show. I mean, really. Dream pairings of real life divas sanging their ayasses ouff. BOW DOWN! BOW DOWN BEFORE THEM (not because you want to see what scraps Aretha left behind…Yeah. I said it!)! The trailer battles on 42nd Street. The hapless interns running to and fro trying to get the starlettes out of their ego-induced comas.

What I’m getting at is that Jacob took on one of the most incredible songs written and performed as demonstrated here and here (pass the tiss-ewes). So Jacob sang it with the restraint of a forewarned and humbled singtestant and took us to church. Apparently, his voice comes “from the place it’s supposed to come from” as Jenny from the Dump said. Where is that, exactly? I would have said it’s supposed to come from the baby of Whitney and BOB-AAAAAAY! But we know that’s not what happened. So, I guess she means it’s supposed to come from Fatburger.

Stefaaaanooooo. Weeeeelcome to Lavender Hill (*whispering* – I’m not wearing any panties). Really, I would have thrown mine onto the stage (despite his moon boots). I wanted to catch a rose that he tossed from the stage in me teeth. I wanted to go backstage and “surprise” him in his dressing room. Marry me, Stefano. We will have babies with great ass…ets.

I had some help this time in reviewing the show and that helped tremendously because I would have turned off Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt’s performance after the first two seconds. BUT! My headbanging friend jumped right in and sang the lyrics to the chorus as if OBGK was speaking English. I didn’t have a clue what that guy was screaming. Let’s not kid ourselves, having Ozzy’s guitarist out there was the tits and pretty much made that performance what it was.

I don’t know why the The Old Lady thinks it’s appropriate to continue to hit on the girl you hated in high school but he does. I thought Haley the show’s resident ho was pretty darn good belting out “Call Me.” Maybe she was singing it straight to The Old Lady so that she can get a “record contract” after she goes home because the other judges hated it with two snaps in a circle.

Did you see that advert for So You Think You Can Dance? Hooooo doggy I cannot wait to recap the shizzle out of that show!

Sleeping with the fishes:

Muuaahahahahaha! Goodbye, Scotty Alfred E. Newman Baby Lock Them Doors! You stunk up the stage worse than a circus elephant just off the Tallahassee to Nashiville train! No! No! No! Don’t tell me that he will not be in the bottom three! Nahnahnahnahanahaaa I can’t hear you.

Fozzie Wozzie was a bear. Fozzie Wozzie was not there. I thought we had established that close-ups of Fozzie’s eyes were NOT a good idea. Yet, I could have been his aesthetician at more than one point last night. Aside from him needed a good pore and pupil reducing treatment, that was way too Esperanza Spalding for Idol AND ESPERANZA SPALDING RULES! But she also got death threats for beating Justine Biebette for Best New Artist at the Grammy and now Casper the Floating Head Gingerbreadman will be ded. Ded, I say. Stoopid judges for their stoopid standing O.

The Sanjaya of season 10 is still there. I refuse to talk about him.

Bottom three: That guy, OBGK, Gingerbreadman.

UPDATE:

Hallaleezy praise Weezy! Before we get to the good news, I’m going to drive to LA and punch the Idol producers square in their necks for continuing to pair up Alfred E. Newman and Trisha Yearwood for a good ol’ ‘Murican hoedown. Just have them sing “Islands in the Sea” and get it over with. And then what in the name of Sarah Vaughn and Louis Armstrong what that? I’m tired. So tired. Because he was part of the last group of singers, I’m going to ignore their weird rendition of the evil and delicious “Sound of Silence” and “Here’s to You Ryan Seabiscuit.”

After The Greatest Idol of All Time (TM), Kelly Clarkson schooled them fools on how to last in the bizness, Seabiscuit dimmed the lights to watch someone go, like he has so many times before. One, two, three, they went off to the cheap seats – Haley the Show’s (well, you know), Peeping Tom McCreepster, and the little prosciutto, Stefano. Would the female tweenie-boppers of America send another chicky packing? We would have to wait until Hip Hop Ragedy-Anne sang something about how she wants a California King bed (can’t she just order one?).

So! Who was going home? Take off your rose-covered suits, kids, because it’s now in the safe recesses of McCreepster’s suitcase. Good bye, Paul! The only way you out-shined the rest was with your neon sign-bright teeth! Maybe you can go be Rod Stewart’s understudy while he is on tour. He’ll probably break a hip within the first couple of weeks, anyway.

The Amazing Race: Hay There, Cowboy!

Wow, that was some week off, huh? I got so much done while The Amazing Race wasn’t on! I…I did nothing, really. Read the internets, drank some wine, GTL without the G or the T, battened down the hatches for the government shut-down that wasn’t. You know, regular stuff. But you know who were super busy? The seven teams racing for a million bucks.

Father/Daughter left the pit stop first at 1:18 p.m. and headed to the airport where they were to catch a flight for Varanasi, the religious part of India. Their next clue would be at a Tonga stand. What is a Tonga? The Google tells me it is a covered carriage. That sounds not very amazing and not very religious. But to the Tongas we go!

The Cowboys left a few minutes after Father/Daughter, with Old Yeller, the Nerds, the “Couple” and the Sisters all within spitting distance. The only team trailing was the Globetrotters, who left the pit stop a full five hours after the rest of the teams.

Father/Daughter, Old Yeller, the Nerds, the Sisters and the “Couple” got tickets for a 10:45 a.m. flight to Varanasi. But for some reason, the ticket agent gave the Cowboys tickets for a flight that left a full hour afterwards. Maybe they would be on a later flight with the Globetrotters? No! The Globetrotters, who arrived at the airport hours later, got tickets for the 10:45 a.m. flight! So all teams were on the earlier flight except for the Cowboys! That is a huge mistake. The poor Cowboys were wandering around the airport wondering where everybody else was, and you could see that sick-to-your-stomach-and-not-in-an-I-just-ate-some-bad-vindaloo-way look creep up on them when they realized that there was an earlier flight.

When the teams arrived at their destination, they hopped into cabs and headed for the Tonga stand. This was unremarkable except for Kynt inexplicably hitting his head on the trunk of the car, which triggered the “Couple’s” need to berate their cab driver. As a TAR expert, I can say that one thing rings true no matter what country you are in–it is never a good racing strategy to piss off your cab driver.

The Nerds’ cab stopped for gas, Old Yeller’s cab was redirected by police officers over some bridge, and the Globetrotters passed the Sisters and Father/Daughter. Sometimes it’s all about what cab driver you have and, note to the “Couple,” how nice you are to them.

Despite their ~~sunny~~ lousy attitude, the “Couple” reached the clue box first. Roadblock! One member of each team had to search for the meaning of life. Pfft! I could’ve skipped that task and gone straight to the pit stop. The meaning of life is shopping for shoes without having to flip them upside down to look at the price first. You got that, ladies? For the rest of you who doubt my deep insight, the teams were provided with a photo of six religious figures (lasidus? I couldn’t make out the name, if anyone knows what this is, please enlighten us in the comments) for reference. The teams had to find the holy person, who would give them a word. If the words are arranged properly, the teams will learn the meaning of life.

The Globetrotters reached the clue box next, followed by the Sisters, Father/Daughter, Old Yeller and the Nerds. At this point in the race, I was really worried about the Cowboys. An hour is easy to make up on travel (hello airport equalizers!) but tough to make up on tasks.

Big Easy tried to work with Jen, but then she ditched him. Kynt cut some sort of a deal with Gary which is strange because Gary is generally very careful at these types of tasks and should not need Kynt’s help. Kynt was basically just following Gary, and then there were two cows licking each other which was either sweet, or a metaphor for the race.

Ron was doing terribly. Like really and truly awful. Maybe he was looking for somewhere to stop for a snack? I don’t know, but he was headed in entirely the wrong direction.

The Sisters finished first and learned that the meaning of life is: Shoe Shopping Without Regard For Prices. Oh my gosh! I was right! I’m kidding. The real meaning of life is: Once You’re Over The Hill You Pick Up Speed. I suppose that’s a little more profound, but how are you supposed to get over that hill without stylish footwear? Hmm? Exactly.

Flight Time and Justin teamed up together and finished the task next. The teams were then sent to the Swaminath Akhara Wrestling Club where they were supposed to find a strong man who would give them their next clue.

Some time after the Sisters, the Globetrotters and the Nerds left, the Cowboys arrived at the task. This made Old Yeller, Father/Daughter and the “Couple” nervous because the Cowboys make notoriously quick work of tasks. Jet (or Cord, I haven’t quite figured out which is which) said, “How fast you run is how fast you’re going to get through the road block,” but you have to look around and not miss anything. So true, so true. The Cowboys blazed through the task while Ron was still wandering around India in the wrong direction. The “Couple” and Father/Daughter finished the task next, which left Old Yeller and the Cowboys out on the course.

The Nerds and the Globetrotters found the strong man and the clue box at about the same time. Detour! The teams had a choice between Feed the Fire and Feed the Buffalo. In Feed the Fire, the teams had to travel down the Ganges River and follow a path to the home of milkman, make fifty poop patties, place them on a wall to dry in the sun, and light a fire to boil milk. This does not sound like a very good task since it involves manure. In Feed the Buffalo, teams had to cross the Ganges River, pick up hay, cross again and carry the hay through narrow streets to the correct milk farm. Since this task does not involve manure, it is the task I would have chosen.

Because great minds think alike, the Nerds and the Globetrotters chose to feed the buffalo. The Sisters, on the other hand, chose to feed the fire.

Back at the Roadblock, the Cowboys finished the task before Old Yeller! Yeehaw! Old Yeller was sort of freaking out and backtracking, thinking the holy men may not have been properly garbed as in their photos beacused they wanted to take a refreshing swim in the Ganges River. What? No, no, no Old Yeller, they did not take a break from their TAR obligations to take a refreshing swim in the Ganges River! Holy hell. Eventually Old Yeller got back on track and finished the task, though he looked ready to collapse.

Meanwhile, back at the front of the pack, the Nerds and the Globetrotters worked together to find the correct address for their hay delivery while the Sisters arrived at the Dung Palace. They were literally vomiting before one poop patty was even made. Ladies, you made the wrooooong choice. The “Couple” also chose to feed the fire, just like the fire in their bedroom. Ugh now I’m vomiting. Father/Daugher then joined in the fun at the Dung Palace.

The Globetrotters and the Nerds were singing “Running with haaay, in the middle of India!” as they delivered their bales of hay. How can you not root for these guys? They received a clue which directed them to the pit stop at Ramnagar Fort across the Ganges River. Is crossing the Ganges River the only thing anyone ever does in India? In a foot race between the Nerds and the Globetrotters, it’s best to put your money on the professional athletes. The Globetrotters were first to the mat and are Team Number One, followed by the Nerds as Team Number Two. For coming in first, the Globetrotters won a trip to the Big Island of Hawaii. A big island for some big guys!

The Cowboys chose to feed the buffalo and were chuckling that they went all the way to India to haul hay. Old Yeller also chose to feed the buffalo. Like the Nerds and the Globetrotters in a foot race, if I had to put my money on who was going to haul hay faster, I’d go with the Cowboys.

Over at Dung Palace, the Sisters were struggling. A mean old lady knocked some of their poop patties off of the wall because they were too big. Eventually they made their poops exactly the right size and were headed to the pit stop. The “Couple” finished the poop task next, then Father/Daughter.

For some reason, the “Couple” decided to take a boat to the pit stop. But when they pulled away from the dock, Vyxsin did something really weird, even for her. She jumped out of the water taxi into the Ganges River! Just jumped right out, like she was compelled to do it by an evil spirt. She grabbed the boat and hauled it back to the dock and they took off on foot for the pit stop. And then Kynt said something, just a little something, and my skin crawled. He said, “You need to get a grip, sis.” Are they brother and sister? Eew. The possibilities are just eew.

The Cowboys made hay of Old Yeller and finished the task in no time at all. The Sisters checked in at the pit stop, then Father/Daughter, and then the Cowboys who are back in this race. Finally, the “Couple” checked in, which meant Old Yeller were the last team to arrive. They have been eliminated from the race. I’m…kind of happy about this. I’m sick of watching Ron bumble around the world, snapping at Christina and snacking on local delicacies at the most inopportune times. They weren’t going to win, so it’s good that Phil put them out of their misery. And it was misery for poor Christina. Yes, she said that she cherished the moments she got to spend with her father, but I could sense seething contempt just below the surface. Good luck with your marriage to that other guy from TAR, Christina. I hope the two of you are very happy together and move far, far away from your dear old dad.

Next week: The six remaining teams head to Austria, where it looks like they compete in a food challenge that Mallory isn’t enjoying, and the “Couple” are again fighting over directions.

Defending the Reality of Reality Television

One way someone can really piss me off – and as you all know, there are many ways – is to talk shit about reality television. I never thought I would say that, but there, I said it. I’ve lost interest in guys for doing it, I’ve walked away from people at cocktail parties, and I’ve gotten in heated debates over the artistic merits of Jersey Shore. But you guys understand, you’re fans.

However, I think there is still a huge misconception that reality television is not “reality,” that it’s actually all scripted, that it’s cheap and tawdry, that it’s – here’s my favorite – FAKE.

Yes, a lot of the reality shows out there are trashy (and Two and a Half Men is…what, our generation’s Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood?) and filled with famewhores, and yes, there are a lot of trashy, sleazy reality producers out there. (Never mind the fact that reality television really encompasses far more than Jersey Shore and Real Housewives – it’s Dirty Jobs, it’s Mythbusters, it’s Modern Marvels. It’s non-scripted television.)

All the horror stereotypes about Hollywood? They’re all pretty much true. I watched Swimming with Sharks around 2003, when I first moved to LA, and thought, ‘Hell, that’s not that bad. I can handle that, I’ve got a self-loathing complex!’ When I watched the movie again last year after being laid off, I threw up because it was like watching the trauma I had lived through working for these crazy people played out on screen. The reality of the cool factor and the glitz and glam of working in the industry is a lot more gut-wrenching than when you’re just a casual observer.

So all the bullshit is true, but that goes for most people and things – people are just kinda trashy. (And we love it.) Warhol was right: In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes. Guess what: the future is now.

My dad always said there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. How many more sides emerge when you’ve got 3 cameras on you and your friend is mic’d across town so you can hear everything going on? A whole new story can be revealed, pieced together – created. Sometimes enlightening, sometimes mean-spirited…but that’s part and parcel of life itself.

As for reality show secrets, well, I don’t think I have any that you guys aren’t already in on.* But let me reiterate this point – it’s not fake, it’s just planned out (tomato, tomahto). It’s a version of reality. (And, that’s not to say that “unplanned” stuff doesn’t happen all the time, and make an even better show.) Think about your life even when it was its most exciting ever – be honest with yourself. The day to day was still pretty mundane, wasn’t it? And Yahweh doesn’t care about sweeps week, does He! So if you want your life to be a reality show, we’re going to have to do some creative sculpting. It’s still really happening to you, you’re still wheeling and dealing and breaking up and making up and getting 10 surgeries in one day. It’s still real. It just may not be the raw, unadulterated truth. It’s entertainment – and it’s real. It’s just one version of reality – a producer’s version, created to fill a demographic need.

Take Keeping Up with the Kardashians, for example. Great example of a show people generally believe to be “scripted”. And it’s true that most of that show is planned out ahead of time – that’s the thing though, you kind of have to do it. So here’s how it goes. Four weeks (or whatever the network has allotted for pre-production), before they start shooting, story producers sit down with the Kardashians for quite some time, and the Kardashians tell them everything going on right now. “Well Scott’s in recovery, so that’s great, we’re smoothing things over.” “Kim is turning 30, she’s definitely going to have a big 30th bash in Vegas.” “But Scott of course will NOT be going after what happened last year.” “Khloe and Lamar are gonna buy a house soon.” “Bruce and Kris have been bitching at each other a lot because Kris wishes she was 27.” Based on all the shit that’s actually going on, story producers craft the season, figuring out the long-term story arc as well as all the little story arcs within each episode. So ok, they say, Scott’s not drinking anymore and he was a dick to a waiter in Vegas last year and Kris doesn’t want him at the party this year. What if Scott flies out, realizes he can’t handle it, and flies back to New York that night? Everything that’s already happening is synthesized and put together in a way that makes sense and in a way that ups the drama factor so viewers are into it. And voila, you have 12 episodes. It’s a version of reality, but it’s still reality…because what is really real when there are at minimum three sides to every story?

But we all have our own versions of reality, don’t we? Every time we relay a story to someone, every time we talk about someone in our lives, every time we create a narrative – we’re creating our very own reality television show. (And thanks to Steve Jobs, we can all have our very own soundtracks, too. And thanks to Facebook, and Tumblr, and Twitter, and Youtube, we can all find our very own audience. Who’s your demographic?) We are each the suffering hero of our own one-man play, and your concept of your role in my life may not be the actual role you’re playing in my life.

So we’re all a bunch of little reality television shows running around in this great small world of ours – just because yours hasn’t been picked up for a cable run yet doesn’t mean it’s any more real than those that have.

*Oh, you wanted juicy stories? Hmmm, well, let’s see…yes, Curtis Stone is that good-looking in real life…I learned I’m actually about a 4 on the Kinsey Scale after the casting calls for one show I created…James Caan stuck his tongue down my throat after a meeting once (a meeting I was explicitly told I was only invited to so that James would have something good to look at)…Eddie Nash hung up on me after I managed to find his unlisted number…the coolest person I’ve ever met doing this was with Charles Spencer, Lady Diana’s brother (huge history buff)…any time there’s a shitty title of a show, BLAME THE NETWORK…Leonardo DiCaprio does a great DeNiro…Tucker Max called me a cunt after I asked him how the failed comedy pilot was doing at Comedy Central…and when I was 24 I was told that I would never work in this town again.

America’s Best Dance Crew Season 6

After an interminable wait, America’s Best Dance Crew is finally back! I have been on the lookout for what seems like years (ok, months) but premiere night has finally come! As always, the invisible “Randy Jackson” was pulled out to do an introduction only to be put away in the American Idol drawer until the final episode where he will present the trophy and everyone can wonder “Who is that?” again.

In any case, some of the changes this season include focusing on a particular artist per week. This week was Lil Wayne and we’ve been promised Ke$ha (thankfully, that is the the first time I’m ever typing that), Katy Perry, and Justin Bieber among others. This year’s guest judge is Dominick Sandoval from Quest Crew (and So You Think You Can Dance), one of my personal favorites. Now, I’m not going to profess to be a dance expert or anything but I sure enjoy the hell out of this show as well as SYTYCD. And, I’ve been known to take a class or two myself, just enough to know that I suck but can appreciate how hard it is to do any of that stuff.

This episode focused on the first five crews: I aM Me (Houston, TX), Eclectic Gentlemen (North Hollywood, CA), Request Dance Crew (Auckland, New Zealand), Phunk Phenomenon (Boston, MA), and Street Kingdom (Los Angeles, CA).

First up was I aM Me crew, which stands for Inspire, Motivate and Energize. Watching the intro, I noticed one guy who looked familiar and holy crap, is that Phillip Chbeeb from SYTYCD season 5? Awesome! I always love it when I see familiar faces. This guy was amazing in his popping and he was able to stick it out for quite a bit on that show through many styles until the ill-fated Russian folk dancing experiment in week 5 where they just kinda whirled around a lot. But, Phillip is a much better dancer than that and this group did a really great performance to “Right Above It” to kick off the season. Sharp, inventive, and their strength was in their intricate hand movements. One of the highlights was a tutting section that felt very kaleidoscope-like. Dominick said that this was the way to open the season.

Next up was Phunk Phenomenon, a group whose style is self-described “organized chaos”. One of the defining points of this group is that there are three brothers who ended up losing their father before they were able to be on the show which as everyone knows in reality tv, this means that they might go home. Cute group. I thought they were sharp and danced their asses off. The song was “A Milli”.

On to the group from New Zealand, Request Crew. Nice to see that ABDC is opening itself up to the world. These girls are all of Polynesian background and have nicknamed their style “Polyswag” which was out in full force during the song “Knockout”. They were ok. They’ll probably stick around for a bit and I’m looking forward to seeing more although for some reason they made me nostalgic for Beat Freaks from season 3.

Now for some elegance from the sexy guys in bow ties, Eclectic Gentlemen from North Hollywood, CA dancing to “Fireman”. They also got on my watch list for ones who might go home since more crying was involved during the intro. During the critique, the first words that came out from D-trix were “Ya’ll making this waaaaaayyyy tooo hard” and I was like uh oh, that doesn’t sound promising. I also thought he was gonna call them out for dressing like Quest Crew during one of their final performances. It didn’t get any better with L’il Mama’s observation that they went from smooth to hard-hitting and that by being on the show they already knew what it is and that they should just “keep pressing forward and not let anyone stop them from being what they want to be”. Okay,…got it. Trying to say something without really saying anything, gotcha. JC Chasez did get into some choreo critique and said that they seemed stiff. Ok, I bet it’s them that go.

And finally Street Kingdom from LA. Now THIS was getting amazing. Raised on the inner streets of South Central and being from quite difficult backgrounds, this group has found fellowship in the church. Ceasare “Tight-Eyez” Willis is one of the original members of krumping which is an aggressive style of dance and was born out of trying to channel negative circumstances into positive expression. If you haven’t, definitely go and Netflix “Rize”, which Willis is in and was shot by David LaChapelle. It’s a very interesting look at the origins of krump and clowning – its predecessor – and what role it has played in its community. Some of the visuals are just stunning. So, of course they are my favorites and I am very curious to see how they do. I impress easily but I’m so impressed that they are on this show. They have more members than life itself anyways – 10 at last count. Obviously they are not in this for the prize money.

So in the end, of course Street Kingdom just aced through to the next week, followed by Phunk Phenomenon. I aM Me made it which brought it down to the girls and the Gentlemen. In the end, it was the Gentlemen that had to go home, as expected. Overall, it looks like an extremely promising season. There was no group that I could just say that I hated or just visibly sucked, so that was a relief. Who are your favorites? Anything stand out to you?

Should You Watch AMC’s The Killing?

And so returns the murder mystery. Undeniably, AMC is cementing itself into one of the premiere cable networks with their offerings of varied and significant prestige dramas. We won’t count the canceled Rubicon. No, no we won’t. Aside from their one misstep, it’s no wonder that negotiations for their shows enter into the realm of epic three ring circus, the shows are just that good. And when a show falls short of its mark, nearly heaven and earth is moved to diagnose and fix the problem, just like in the case of The Walking Dead. Essentially, the network knows what it’s doing. It understands that its audience is looking for something heartier, more thought out, more nuanced, and exceedingly more entertaining than the typical procedural major network show.

Enter The Killing. We’re still a little disappointed that there won’t be a Mad Men season this year since given contract negotiations and timing, AMC pushed back their flagship program to roll out new shows like The Killing. The biggest question critics may ask is — are the new shows worth it?

The two-hour season premiere on Sunday night was in part an introduction to the story and the characters, and in part a head-on challenge to the viewer to forget what you know. Largely on the face of it, the show isn’t something that we’ve not heard or seen before. True to form it does have a very Twin Peaks-esque aura about it. There’s a dead popular teenager, a seemingly small town atmosphere, (even though the story is set in Seattle), and numerous suspects. And with each new suspect that’s introduced, there is just something, something about all of them that could lend them to commit murder. Whether it’s a bit of malevolence in the eyes, a shifty, nervous countenance, or just enough eerie creepiness that makes you think, “Yeah, that guy could have done it” but you’re also keen enough to know that there will be surprises. And you get most of this from the first episode.

The story centers around a neighborhood filled with high schoolers, and riff-raff, the working class, and the affluent — at will various personalities emerge. The lead detective, Sarah Linden, is played by Big Love’s Mireille Enos, in almost an unrecognizable role. She’s short and unassuming, her smiles are infrequent and she has one hell of a stare. I would say that she landed the part based on that piercing, unforgiving stare. She is respected, capable, underestimated, and no novice. She’s the Clarice Starling of the show, definitely, but so subdued you wonder if her heart beats more than a few clicks a minute, but that all adds to the heightened suspense — you just don’t know what she’s thinking until she says something almost imperceptible. There are no Dr. House moments of sudden clarity here.

Her begrudging partner, Stephen Holder (Joel Kinnaman), is an itchy guy. He’s been sent to replace Linden as she is set to move to California and get married, literally moments before the case starts. He’s uncomfortable to watch and is skilled at making Linden flinch with his smirky candor, and off-the-cuff remarks. Mostly when watching him he’s insufferable, all swagger, bravado, and some level of mania that lies just below the surface. He’s the element of unpredictability on the side of the investigators. His whole character is constructed to make Linden, and through Linden, us the audience, off-balance.

The murder victim, Rosie Larsen, is the typical teenager, good and light on the surface, but edgy and dark in life. Along with the sentiment that she was an innocent victim, you do get the sense that Rosie was in a bit over her head with something. The something we don’t know quite yet, but we do know there are lots of secrets surrounding this girl and her friends. And urgh her friends. Don’t you just hate teenagers? It was infuriating watching the girl’s best friend, Sterling Fitch, attempt to keep their secrets hidden while lying and engaging in that frantic, panicked thing akin to teens that are involved in something that they don’t have the ability to handle.

The puzzle piece that does not fit is a councilman running for office, played by The 4400‘s Billy Campbell. He’s the outlier. There is some connection between him and the dead girl which hasn’t been uncovered yet. It’s revealed that he has a dead wife, and a few secrets of his own. It seems much of the show may be centered around what his connection to Rosie is, and if possibly his extracurricular activities have anything to do with young girls. [SPOILER ALERT] After Rosie is found in the trunk of his campaign aide’s car, and his less than flustered response, he moves up to prime suspect. However, we doubt he’ll stay there.

Rosie Larsen’s parents, (played by True Blood’s Michelle Forbes; and Life’s Brent Sexton), are straight out of a scene from Mystic River, and lend the story the emotional backbone. As it’s learned that Rosie is missing, and that no one’s heard from her, you know it’s just a matter of time until the inevitable is found out. You don’t know how or when, but you know that when they find out, it will be bad. The show sets up this moment by telling us that Rosie was on track to go to college and by showing us scenes from her very teenage bedroom complete with butterfly shaped picture collage and pink, girly theme. When the moment actually comes, the actors give a good performance. I wouldn’t say Sean Penn held back by ten police, good, but just heart wrenching enough in their shock and horror. You see them dealing with the loss for at least 24 hours independently, as they’ve been advised not to tell anyone else while the investigation progresses. Possibly without knowing it, we measure hearing grave news and what our reaction would be against what the actors do as our own way of gauging authenticity. A television show may never get it totally right, but for the purposes here, it worked.

The last big character in The Killing is the rain. There is nothing more dismal and foreboding than nonstop rain. It is a blanket of doom like no other. And while the decision to have the show set in Seattle may be a bit transparent, it works nonetheless. Watching a rain-soaked murder mystery puts you in a heavier mood while viewing, and makes that which may not be overly poignant, much more so.

There are elements to this drama that will lend itself to being a compelling mystery. AMC has worked out who they want you to identify with, and how they want the mystery to unfold, and it attempts the style of a theatrical movie (As mentioned see: Mystic River or Dolores Claiborne), and not a typical CBS drama. They want you, the audience, to be interactive. They want you to see the clues and start putting the pieces together.

While the show doesn’t have the instant “Wow” factor of Mad Men, it does follow AMC’s studied exposition of subtlety and successfully pulls you in. This is not supposed to be altogether new territory, but it is supposed to be a more nuanced take on something we’ve seen before, but done better.

I’m willing to see where it takes us. Are you?

The Killing airs on Sunday nights at 10 pm EST on AMC.