Pop Culture

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Stray Tracks of the Week (2/28-3/4/11)

*This is also posted on my personal blog, which features pictures of a hairy, mostly naked man this week.*

I listen to music constantly, and I’m constantly acquiring new things. So much, in fact, that serious evaluation on an album-by-album basis is impossible. To ensure my musical hoarding doesn’t amount to too much waste, I’ve elected to begin picking out choice tracks from my catch and reviewing them, here. I’m hoping to make this a weekly thing, every ~~Thursday or Friday~~ Saturday night, mods willin’.

*** This week saw the arrival of a few packages from Mimaroglu and Boomkat that I’d been expecting for some time, as well as the usual bumper crop of digital music. I’ve got an old track from 13 & God, new stuff from NWG (aka Niggas With Guitars), and a new compilation entry from Subeena.***

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13 & God – Von Gradleute (Hrvatski Remix) (from Men of Station / Soft Atlas on Anticon)

While researching a Keith Fullerton Whitman / Hrvatski split casette I invested in a few weeks ago, I came upon a happy discovery – a set of remixes that Whitman’s “breakcore” guise Hrvatski had created for the great Anticon supergroup 13 & God (a collaboration between “art rappers” Themselves and German art pop group The Notwist) – and I just had to have it. 13 & God was centrally important to my entry into indie music 6 or 7 years ago, when a friend of mine included their perfect pop song “Men Of Station” on a mixtape he sent me, and I fell in love. The prospect of Whitman (my favorite experimental composer) having his way with that song and others was too much to resist.

As a general rule, remixes (and album-length compendiums of them in particular) are a grab bag, as you’ll usually have so many different artists pulling the music in so many idiosyncratic directions that at best you’ll get a few remarkable edits among a number of inessential curiosities. The single format that the Men of Station / Soft Atlas release takes is a lot easier to handle, and it helps that it’s backloaded with the two Hrvatski remixes, one for each song. “Men of Station” was my favorite 13 & God effort, and much to my relief Whitman’s edit does not disappoint. The song’s central melodic motifs are wisely kept intact, and even augmented by swirling harp samples, as well as reverb and delay that are sorely lacking in the original, and Whitman’s frenetic jungle drum programming fits in better than it has any right to. I’m sort of perplexed it took me this long to figure out that this remix was out there – I can only imagine how ecstatic I would have been hearing this when I was first listening to 13 & God and Hrvatski.

Stream “Von Gradleute” on Soundcloud.

(I acquired “Men Of Station / Soft Atlas” on vinyl because I’m dumb like that, and if you’re dumb too KFW probably has a few more copies over at Mimaroglu, but normal people can find it on iTunes, along with the 13 & God full length. Their follow-up LP is due in the next few months, so that’s exciting.)

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Niggas With Guitars – Milky White (from Ethnic Frenzy on Digitalis Vinyl)

This was the other half of my 13 & God Mimaroglu shipment, one that I picked up on a whim based on chatter that I had heard from associate tape collectors I respected. I have no idea who these people are or why they felt like “Niggas With Guitars” would be a good name for their outfit, but their music is definitely interesting. The vinyl was so new when I got it that there was no indication of which side was which, so my naming convention might be way off.

“Milky White” (if that is indeed the name of the song) is either the second or fifth track on the 6-track album, and like all of NWG’s music that I’ve heard, it is quite disarming. It could, one imagines, fit nicely into some odder corner of the “chillwave” scene, steeped as it is in a certain sort of nostalgia – the lilting, gentle synth melodies and horn-like drones call to mind old nature film soundtracks or meditation music ripped from casette (fittingly, NWG kicked around the fringe music casette scene before landing this endorsement from the sterling Digitalis label). But more than anything else, it’s strongly reminiscent of the interlude music that Boards of Canada would insert between its more propulsive songs on their old albums. Lovely, if slight, music. Now if they could just do something about that name…

Listen to “Milky White” on Soundcloud.

(I purchased “Ethnic Frenzy” as soon as it hit Mimaroglu, and your best bet might be finding it there [it’s up there at the top] – if Discogs is to be believed, there are only 200 copies for the world, with the first run of 75 sold out at source. Better hurry!)

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Subeena – Miscalculate (from Super Volume 1 on Super Recordings)

I’ve waited for Italian producer Subeena to go “next level” popularity-wise for awhile now and it hasn’t happened, much to my chagrin. Of all the dubstep(ish) techno-leaning freshman producers to come out of the UK in the last few years, Subeena was by far my favorite, as her love of early Warp records sounds was something that I shared, and she spent some time in the Planet Mu roster, which I’ve always looked to for more forward-thinking trends in electronic music. Popularity’s kind of a relative thing in electronic circles but I’ve always felt like she didn’t get the sort of recognition her talent called for.

“Miscalculate”, which just popped up on her friend Raffertie’s Super Recordings compilation, doesn’t sound like it’s going to break that trend. Overall it takes after some of the more recent work she’s done for her own Opit label, which finds Subeena contributing vocals, and bringing a more rave-ish sensibility to the music. But I feel like this track in particular is a little too reminiscent of “Spectrum”, the b-side from her “Picture” single. Perhaps it’s just the fact that the track feels in general a little too much like a b-side (not that anyone should expect A-material to show up on label compilations, necessarily). The track is still fun enough, but in comparison to Subeena’s best work it doesn’t quite measure.

Opening Weekend: See Some Of This, Maybe

Okay. So now that you know touching the “butter button” is a sin against nature, you’re still going to brave the movie theater, because really where else are you going to see awesome movie trailers with a bunch of people totally ready to oohhh, ahhh, or sneer uncontrollably at Kevin James dressed as Monica DelMonico from Soapdish? It’s the movies or standing in line at the Olive Garden with Aunt Matilda after her trip to the podiatrist. Kevin James in drag it is!

Now then, what looks good this week.

Rango:

This thing is getting rave reviews so far!

When Rango (Johnny Depp), a household pet chameleon sets out on a journey of self-discovery, he accidentally stumbles upon the town of Dirt, a lawless outpost in the Wild West. Coincidentally, the town is in need of a new sheriff, and Rango is just the man for the job.

What you can expect: Johnny Depp in full Pirates of the Caribbean cheekiness, but with some clever adult humor thrown in. Kids may not get all the jokes, but of course there are enough hijinks and antics that mostly they’ll love whatever is on the screen. Adults may find themselves laughing along with most everything, and Depp is pretty good at playing a caricature, so that goes a long way for an animated movie.

What could annoy: Johnny Depp. He’s great at what he does, but it’s possible that he’s becoming a one-note, and while it may work for an animated feature, the shtick could wear out its welcome. We’d mostly like to see him get away from such constant farciful fare. Also, bugs and geckos and things. Some people find them kind of icky…well, if they’re not Australian and starring in Geico commercials. This doesn’t look like a movie for the cuddly animated bunneh and kitteh group. I expect these crawly doodads to have plenty of bodily functions and the eating of snipes and snails. These movies come from a long line of creature-feature animated films. See: Bee Movie and Ants. The genre probably isn’t quite stale yet, but next to the emotional depth of Toy Story 3, this movie just could be pure fun, but on a very surface level.

The Adjustment Bureau:

The reviews so far are just eh. Not great, not terrible. Much less than I’m sure Damon was hoping for.

Ambitious politician David Norris (Matt Damon) stumbles upon bliss after finding true love with beautiful contemporary ballet dancer Elise Sellas (Emily Blunt). However, sustaining the heart of the lovely Elise proves more difficult than expected. When the couples’ sweet romance is derailed by a group of mysterious men who conspire to keep them apart, David must decide whether to let Elise go or continue in a dangerous game with fate.

What you can expect: Matt Damon and Emily Blunt looking beautiful and poignant in this supernatural time and fate turn. Judging from the trailer, Damon and Blunt have an easy chemistry. While the scenes with her running in heels and the “meet cute” on the bus were a bit trite, the notion of destiny and what you would sacrifice for love and happiness is always an audience pleaser, if not too cloying like a Meet Joe Black or a Benjamin Button. Loves conquering all despite sinister types (General Zod and Roger Sterling) with “big plans” are great for those frantic, running, pleading, awash with angst type films, and this seems to be one of them.

What could annoy: If it delivers like a knock-off Inception or something of that ilk. I think we can only stand one bend-a-brain movie at a time. I’m all for well-nuanced, well thought-out Sci-Fi, but not just turning a building upside down just because. And then there’s Mr. Damon. Well, Matt Damon hasn’t had much success lately has he? With the exception of a small role in True Grit, his latest supernatural effort in Hereafter wasn’t exactly a runaway hit for the Oscar winner. Is he too much of the thinking man’s movie actor that he doesn’t quite translate into these more emotional stories? Sometimes he does come off a bit cold, but that could just be the movies he chooses. The Good Shepherd, the Bourne movies, Green Zone (Bourne movie without the title), yeah, it seems he has trouble finding the “feeling zone.” Emily Blunt on the other hand is usually pretty fantastic. I’ll ignore the close resemblance she has to Katy Perry, even though that’s become a bit of an annoyance, and focus on how well her work has been lately. The Young Victoria was stellar. Keira Knightly, girl, you better start making films again.

Beastly:

Well, Alex Pettyfer, is pretty. So there’s that. The reviews of this modern-day spin on the classic fairytale “Beauty and the Beast” haven’t been good. In fact they’ve been awful.

Kyle Kingson (Alex Pettyfer) is living the teenage dream — he has privilege, popularity and good looks. He also has a knack for being one of the meanest guys around, constantly ridiculing his “unattractive” peers. Up to his usually tricks, Kyle invites Goth classmate Kendra (Mary-Kate Olsen) to a school bash intent on humiliating her — but the jokes on him. Kendra retaliates by casting a spell on Kyle that physically transforms him into a social outcast. To reverse the curse, he must do the impossible — find someone to love him. Will he succeed?

What you can expect: Lots of teen-centered D.R.A.M.A and angst. Zac Effron’s ex-girlfriend is in this one, and mostly it looks like a message movie about loving oneself for what’s on the inside. Will it be the movie all the giggle-head kids will go see? Probably. It has cute guys and enviable girls, a Mary Kate Olsen spotting, plus magic and wickedness. This is kind of a prerequisite for teen films nowadays. This will be firmly lopped into the recent bombardment of young adult themes making their way to the big screen much like its rise in the publishing industry. Thanks Stephenie Meyer!

What could annoy: Pretty kids with seemingly everything who now face dealing with some imperfections in life. Could seem a bit shallow and inconsequential. The movie isn’t supposed to be more than popcorny fluff with some veiled messages thrown in. If you get that point and your kids understand, there’s really not much harm, well no more so than what most of the CW channel broadcasts. It’s also possible that the lessons about self-love and respect for others could get lost amongst the young Hollywood lovefest but I suppose we’re supposed to look past that because of the pretty people.

Take Me Home Tonight:

Is Topher Grace ever good in a movie? Ashton Kutcher’s inexplicable success must kill this guy. The reviews of this thing won’t make him feel any better.

Recent MIT grad Matt Franklin (Topher Grace) takes a part-time job working at a video store inside the local mall. But what looks like a dead-end job, becomes the biggest opportunity of Matt’s life when his high school crush (Teresa Palmer) walks through the door. When she invites him to an end-of-summer party, Matt, no doubt, leaps at the chance to score the girl of his dreams. With his twin sister Wendy (Anna Faris) and best friend Barry (Dan Fogler) by his side, Matt sets out on a hilarious evening filled with pranks, dance-offs and unforgettable moments.

What you can expect: Lot’s of 80’s music. Lot’s of seen before, done before things with 1980’s pop culture references. Sounds to me like an attempt at a John Hughesian film, but failing mostly. I’m thinking it’s because of Grace. He just seems like a dick, no? Anyway, all the formulaic fodder is there. There are popped collars and bad jokes about stealing cars and going to parties. Basically not much new territory is covered here. It may be an interesting way to spend a Sunday, but it doesn’t have nearly the anticipation of Hot Tub Time Machine, but seems to have the same outcome.

What could annoy: The entire thing. It just looks stupid and unnecessary. And again there’s Topher Grace.

Source: IVillage Entertainment

Where Are They Now? “Full House” Edition

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By DahlELama and The_Obvious

What ever happened to predictability? The milk man, the paper boy, evening TV? You may miss your old familiar friends, but they’re waiting just around the bend!

Bob Saget as Danny Tanner

It’s tough to say which of the cast members was most excited about the end of Full House, but the smart money would go on Bob Saget—the man behind the Tanner patriarch—who immediately set about proving to the world that the hug-loving clean freak they knew was actually a filthy horndog with the mouth of Andrew Dice Clay firmly embedded in his Stephen Colbert face. From his raunchy SNL monologue to his mind-boggling entry in The Aristocrats, no one has worked quite as hard to shed his Full House persona like Saget, and nowhere has it been quite as fun to watch as in his guest spot on Entourage. These days, Saget can be heard but not seen as the voice of 2030 Ted Mosby on How I Met Your Mother, which really doesn’t make any sense, but whatever.

(Assume all Saget links are NSFW)

John Stamos as Jesse Katsopolis

If there is one constant truth in this world, it’s that John Stamos will always have better hair than you, capiche? That hair may not have held onto Rebecca Romijn, but it’s taken him to Broadway, the Beach Boys, his own failed sitcom, a starring role in ER (did they ever reveal what that stood for?), and his current gig, a recurring role as sexy dentist Carl on Fox’s We Have Regionals Every Week, Which We Can’t Afford, and Yet We Somehow Always Seem to Have New Uniforms. If you watch it for nothing else, watch it because Stamos does. Not. Age. Have mercy!

Dave Coulier as Joey Gladstone

You know the weird thing about Dave Coulier, besides everything? It doesn’t really matter what he does in life—and he has done stuff, from participating in random kids’ shows to failing at stand-up even worse than he did on the show to reality TV—because he will, forever and always, be known only as Joey and the guy who inspired Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know. These days, Coulier can be found* playing with puppets and doing Bullwinkle impressions for anyone who’ll listen. We personally think it’s time to cut. It. Out! Quit it! But not before he answers our question: how could you dump a girl who’d go down on you in a theater?

*Or maybe he can’t be found. We actually have no idea.

Candace Cameron as D.J. Tanner

Hearts around the World were scarred for life when Cameron co-starred in the made-for-TV movie No One Would Tell with Fred Savage, portraying a couple in an abusive relationship. (“KEVIN ARNOLD WOULD NEVER HIT A GIRL, EVER!” one of us cried, and not the one you might think.) Like her brother Mike Seaver, Candice Cameron spent her post-childhood years finding ~~men and~~ God. Cameron ended up marrying NHL hockey player and super-Russian guy Valeri Bure. Together, they have 34 attractive blond children, a vineyard, and a very close personal relationship with Jesus. Cameron-Bure can now be seen on the really awesome ABCFamily show Make It or Break It, which is returning for its third season on Monday, March 28th, not that either of the authors of this post is counting.

Jodie Sweetin as Stephanie Tanner

Oh, Stephanie. While it was always clear that at least one of the cast members of Full House was going to fall prey to drugs, we kind of assumed it was going to be Kimmy, and that it would be something a little classier than meth, like crack. But someone had to be the meth addict with two divorces behind her before thirty, and probably because it worked so well for a book title, that role fell to Jodie Sweetin, author of UnSweetined and one-time host of the critically acclaimed* Pants Off Dance Off, in which ~~The_Obvious~~ contestants did stripteases for money. She is now engaged to Morty Coyle (real name) and has two daughters (one with Coyle).

*Slight exaggeration

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as Michelle Tanner

Say what you will about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, but they are nothing if not industrious. Not only did all of America watch them grow up from babies into living Bratz dolls, but they also bought their books and albums, watched their movies, coveted their clothes, featured them in their magazines and ad campaigns, and welcomed their designs into their closets and onto their runways. There’s not much these two haven’t done as adults (except wear properly fitting clothes, eat solid food, and smile) and they show no sign of slowing down, with Mary Kate appearing in this month’s Beastly alongside Alex Pettyfer and Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley continuing to focus on the twins’ multiple successful clothing lines, including Elizabeth and James (named after the siblings no one knew they had) and The Row.

Andrea Barber as Kimmy Gibbler

Hola Crasstalkerinos! So, who saw Kimmy Gibbler turning out to be a completely nice and normal stay-at-home mom with presumably non-smelly feet? We sure didn’t, but sure enough, the shock of learning that Andrea Barber did not in fact die with Zack Morris in a a tragic fictional accident paled in comparison to that of learning that she seems to be a wonderfully nice and well-adjusted woman who’s traded in ruffled skirts and neon tights for…whatever it is normal people wear.

Lori Loughlin as Rebecca “Becky” Donaldson Katsopolis

Everyone knows that when you move a pretty lady into an attic with Uncle Jesse, babies are gonna happen, but Lori Loughlin, the woman behind Aunt Becky, didn’t always have as certain a future. Although her workload was far more consistent than most of her co-stars, Loughlin seemed doomed to a life of guest appearances and terrible TV movies, followed by starring roles on series that barely lasted a season or two. (Although Summerland did also star Ryan Kwanten, so, call it even?) However, in 2008, Loughlin was tapped to star in the CW’s remake of 90210, cementing her as one of the only Full House alumni capable of getting work on network TV. Sadly, this will be Loughlin’s last year in the role of Debbie Wilson, but at least she got to make out with the poor man’s Ryan Gosling for a while.

Scott Weinger as Steve Hale

Riff raff, street rat, please don’t buy that. If only you’d look closer, would you see a dumb boy? No sirree. You’d find out, there’s so much more to Steve.

Scott Weinger might’ve played dumb as DJ’s boyfriend Steve, but in real life, the man whose animated form rocked a fez-vest-harem pants-combo like no one else graduated Magna Cum Laude from Harvard and went on to write for shows like the criminally underrated Privileged and what some might call the greatest show of our time, starring the greatest comedienne of our time, What I Like About You. He’s currently writing for 90210, which means he and Lori Loughlin are probably sleeping together, right? Right.

Blake and Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit as Nicky and Alex Katsopolis

An alarm sounded in a distant control room. A wave of panic washed over the director; he had not anticipated hearing this piercing noise. His pace quickened as he approached the door praying to God he would walk into a false alarm. His heart sunk as his worst fears were confirmed, that skinny needle that had never moved since his first day on the job was hovering over the ‘E’. Full House had run out of cuteness. Michelle was all grown up and drastic measures needed to be taken: Twins! Actually playing twins! We first learned these bouncing baby boys were on their way when Uncle Jesse uttered those classic words, “Cheese half ink a… hotdog!” This would be their first and last foray into acting. Nowadays, the boys lead normal lives and are doomed to never having individual wikipedia pages.

Buddy the Dog as Comet the Dog

From early on, friends told Buddy’s parents he should go into acting. He was a charismatic and precocious pup with perfect comedic timing. (” What are Lindsay Lohan’s chances of getting no jail time? Ruff!”) Buddy grew up in front of the audience’s eyes and went on to star in the original Air Bud when a director saw him shooting around during down time on the set. In 1995 he was recognized with a nomination for Favorite Animal Star at the Kids’ Choice Awards. (Ultimately he lost out to Milo, the dog who starred in The Mask. Rumors surfaced in The Enquirer that Milo humped the legs of the show’s producers; he was subsequently stripped of the award.) Buddy also has the distinction of being the second Full House cast member to poop on the set. He has since retired from acting and lives on one of those nice farms upstate.

Miko Hughes as Aaron Baily

You may not recognize Michelle’s greatest frenemy, but let us assure you–Miko Hughes is what nightmares are made of. If you had difficulty sleeping in 1989, it was probably due to Hughes’ scalpel-wielding role as Gage Creed in Pet Sematary. Shedding his murderous image, he took a more wholesome role in Kindergarten Cop, delivering one of the Top 5 lines. Aaron appeared in 13 episodes of Full House. That damn acting bug seems impervious to all the Raid we sprayed and Hughes continues to take on small roles. When not acting, Hughes actively participates in Native American ceremonies across the country as a dancer at powwows. (This is surprisingly not made up.)

Jurnee Smollett as Denise Frazier

Winner of the “Guess who got hot?” award, Jurnee Smollett—a.k.a. Michelle’s friend Denise—may be the most prolific actor of the cast since the show’s end. Smollett, who’s one of six children, went on to star with her family in a show where they pretended to also be the siblings of a seventh guy who pulled a Mrs. Doutfire situation for their social worker, who he also wanted to bang, or something? (Don’t understand it? Don’t worry, we didn’t either.) From there, she went on to the short-lived Cosby followed by Friday Night Lights as well as feature films such as Eve’s Bayou and The Great Debaters, all the while guest starring on every medical drama in existence. She can now be seen playing Lisa Tyler on The Defenders, if you really want to watch that.

Tahj Mowry as Teddy

If you think it’s difficult living in the shadow of a successful older sibling, try having two…who are also identical twins. Sadly, Sister Sister Brother was not deemed to be catchy enough to provide Mowry with six seasons of lip gloss money the way it did Tia and Tamera, but Tahj was able to break into the spotlight as Full House’s adorable Teddy NoLastName. Like Michelle’s other pint-sized pals, Tahj had some considerable success immediately following the show, starring as an annoying genius child in Smart Guy and other voiceover work, but once puberty hit and he grew into his ears, Tahj’s career slowed down considerably. There is only room in Hollywood for one man with Big Ears, and that, our friends, is Will Smith. Tahj Mowry, you are no Will Smith. Now, as a surprisingly attractive adult, Tahj spends his days tweeting for Jesus. #FF @BigGuyintheSky.

And just because we love you…

DahlELama and The_Obvious are on an eternal search for Ben & Jerry’s Clusterfluff, the whereabouts of the baby from Raising Hope, and Platform 9 3/4. Anyone providing one or more of these three items will receive a personalized mixtape of “Songs for Wisdom Tooth Removal.”

Flashback Friday – Sexxxy Edition

It’s time to go back in time and bring out those sexy memories. Was there a song that made you want to crawl across the bed like a tiger even if you were only 15? What was playing on the car radio when you lost your V-card in the backseat? Did you blush when a certain video came on and your parents were in the room? Remember, we’re not talking about songs from last year, but those of yester-year.

George Michael’s iconic video for Freedom is so impossibly and undeniably sexy given that it featured the original supermodels Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington, Tatjana Patitz, Cindy Crawford, and hot menz, John Pearson, Mario Sorrenti, and Peter Formby all half-naked and slinky. I wanted/want to lick the screen.

Chris Isaac’s Wicked Game featured another uber model of her time, Helena Christensen. Smart guy – I bet he had a fun afternoon. She probably single-handedly (heh) started the boy-shorts trend. He’s kinda hot, too.

*Keep it safe for work and remember the rules – no lady nip (PATRIARCHY!), ding-a-lings or vagine!

How to Dress Like Brenda Walsh

You can’t talk about the ’90s fashion revival without mentioning Beverly Hills, 90210. Today’s designers are taking more than a little inspiration from the halls of West Beverly – many of their clothes seem to be taken directly from the angsty teen with a heart of gold, Brenda Walsh. From Minnesota to LA, Brenda had the perfect ensemble for any locale or occasion. Here’s how to make a few of them your own.

Summer, Summer, Summertime

June will be here any minute now. You’ll need to look your best when you frolic on the beach, and nothing says summer fun like soggy denim. You, too, can rock Brenda’s beach look above. First, pick your shade of choice from American Apparel’s many-colored Stretch Twill High-Waist Side Zipper Shorts. Let’s go with Butternut. Next, pair it with JCrew’s Stripe Button-Back Tee. According to the site, the tee is their It Silhouette of the season and everyone’s just mad over its “new boxy shape.”

To tie the ensemble together, you’re going to need a statement piece. Nothing says HBIC of the BHBC (Beverly Hills Beach Club) like a chunky belt buckle. This Melamed Vine-Buckle Belt from Sak’s is pricey, but looking better than that bitch Kelly doesn’t come cheap.

Too Sexy for Your Shirt

What if you’re traveling abroad and want to scream “sophisticated polyglot”? It won’t matter if your French accent is lacking when you’re wearing a chic peekaboo ensemble. Because when Jacques leans in and whispers “I can see your bra,” what he’s really saying is “Je t’aime.”

Brenda mastered the femme fatale look here:

You can make it your own by pairing Urban Outfitter’s Pins and Needles Long-Sleeved Lace Top with the wide-strapped Vanity Fair Illuminations Bralette.

Warning: With a look this hot, Kelly will steal your style faster than she can steal your boyfriend.

Gotta Be Bold

Being a teenager is hard. Sometimes Brenda had the weight of the world on her shoulders; other times, it was the weight of her blazer wearing her down.

Power shoulders cost power bucks. Try this strong-shouldered Paul and Joe blazer with shawl lapel for $254.11 from The Outnet. Balance those bold shoulders with Urban Outfitter’s whimsical Square-Knot Headband.

Some people may say Levi’s Relaxed Tapered 550 Jeans are more “mom jeans” than “California teen dream jeans,” but a certain summer of ’91 pregnancy scare reminded us that the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Whatta Man

Of all her varied looks, you could argue that menswear chic is the Quintessential Brenda. Tons of brands let you sport this look today even if you don’t have a twin brother’s closet to raid.

If your mother is a TV icon and money’s no object, Paul Smith’s Spring Summer 2011 Collection will meet all your menswear needs. The line features oversized, jewel-toned suits, in addition to the Bengal striped classic shirt, Tromp L’oeil trousers and spot silk tie shown below. Ditch the polka dot tie for something more colorful and fun, like this Stefano Ricci Patchwork Mixed-Design Tie, available at Neiman Marcus for $635.

If you’ll be picking up extra shifts at the diner to finance your glam ambitions, don’t fret.

Stop by American Apparel instead and pick up their Unisex Denim Long Sleeved Button-Up Shirt and Micro-Poly High-Waist Pleated Pant. Then, head over to KMart and pick up a multi-toned Structure Paisley Tie.

Don’t Just Stand There; Let’s Get to It

All that’s left to do is hit the malls. If you keep these tips in mind, you’ll never spend the morning stressing over the perfect outfit again:

American Idol: Let’s Meet the Boys

Last night we all got to see the top 12 boys individually perform for the first time [you know, rather than in a half-assed montage]. From the start I knew I hated this year’s male line-up because Scotty McBarotone was there, but more on him later. Also I’m sure that ‘new’ 360 experience induced feelings of motion sickness in many viewers.

The show began with JLo marching out in all her glory, only to be immediately taken down a notch by Seacrest. Something about how she cried last week, old news. Though I have to say, in comparison to previous episodes she actually looks pretty bad; that 1990’s hairstyle does not flatter her face structure and ear flaps.

Let’s fastforward away from Jlo and stupid banter [because we can do that] and get on to the mantestants and their TWELVE [oh man, so many!] performances.
– I provided pictures from their RW-style intro pieces for your reading pleasure.

1.
Boy was Clint awkward, his brick-like giant red shoes stifled his hyper dancing so he ended up shuffling around like a zombie that’s craving the brains of a nerd with thick-rimmed glasses. Maybe it was the cheesy light-blocks behind him or the awful background accompaniment, but I didn’t like it. He added no soul to a song that is SUPPOSED to be soulful. I don’t think he’ll do well in the next elimination episode for three major reasons: he went first in a long line-up [forgettable], he was mean to the insecure chubby kid in the group auditions, his glasses.

2.
This kid just sounded so awful. However, it may have just been me, because I think it takes me a few episodes to get used to how grating the backup music sounds on this show. As of now, it seriously reminds me of a poor version of Eurovision. Why does all the production value go to the lighting? Whoops, I already forgot everything about #2 [can’t even be bothered to read his name].

3.
Oh god, so if you ever wanted to hear usher sound like shit, or listen to usher with bronchitis with accompaniment by your little sisters keyboard, here you are. Have fun with it.
I’m glad at least the judges didn’t like it, and I enjoyed the post-singing banter:

Jlo: “Is that who you want to be as an artist?”
Number 3 guy, “NONONONONOO, of course not! Forgive me for hurting your precious ears, JLo!”

Note: This is the same guy who was a complete jerk to all of his team mates during the group-auditions. During that stage, I don’t think he realized he not only has to succeed by getting into the semi-finals – but he also has to appear likable to a general audience. However, America’s collective memory is decidedly bad, so if he keeps being attractive and ups his live performance abilities he’ll probably go far. America’s bad memory is why I gave two other reasons for why Clinty Glasses to do poorly in this competition, maybe we’ll all forget about how big of a jerk he is to chubsters by next week.

4:
Jim Halpert, no wait, Tim Halperin. This is the first time I remember seeing him, though I didn’t watch the initial auditions nor the 2 hour long episode with the final 24 ‘reveal’.
I thought this guy was actually good. I was wondering if anyone’s vocals would be capable of compensating for the shitty theater acoustics and background music, but I think he pulled it off. And by that, I mean he was tolerable. However, judges didn’t like it. No skin off my back because he made a boring song choice.

5.
Ew, this guy. I don’t know why he thought that whispering a Doors song while dancing and prancing around awkwardly was a good idea [are you convinced yet that he’s a forest pixie?] I love that Jlo called him out about how he flips his hair more than Willow Smith.

6.
High-note Asperger’s kid.
I was ready to pass him off as a less entertaining Shauvaghn (from last season), because he shares her tendency to make unnecessary high-notes in the middle/end of songs. But I was surprised how well his vocals paired with the shitty guitar music he sang along with. So I guess some voices do match perfectly with the AI house band. On the otherhand, I noticed his singing was altered to have an echo effect, does that count as an unfair advantage in a singing competition? He’s not going to do well in the inevitable Frank Sinatra episode

Half-time intermission: I want to discuss how fantastic Jlo is as a judge! This new lineup is working perfectly so far, much better than the Abdul or Kara of season’s past. Maybe it’s because there is less time devoted to the judge’s incessant ramblings in these early episodes so they’re forced make their comments concise & clear, but for the most part the judges are behaving like they’re actually competent. Good on them!

7.
This kid is a good singer, but he could do with some more charisma. That is all.

8.
I hate Scotty McBarotone. It’s not an irrational hate, I swear!
a. He just doesn’t doesn’t deserve to be there
b. Baby lock them doors, it looks like he’s put on some self tanner in this episode [like the pompous jerk he is]
c. He has a chronic case of babyface so it looks like he stepped out of a Pixar film.

d. He doesn’t have any range to his voice and he can’t possibly sing anything that isn’t country. AI isn’t just a singing competition, it’s a versatility+charisma competition.

I’ll admit I was a bit pissed off that he sounded good in this episode. His time on the chopping block will come though, oh yes, it will come.

9.
Stefano was pretty good, mainly because he made a great song choice that heavily worked towards his advantage. He is basically a replicate of Bruno Mars, except he chooses to hold his notes for a longer amount of time.

I love how Jlo exclaimed “You’re a beast!!” after he finished his song. This kind of stuff is what makes me really treasure her presence.
When Ryan went to interview Stefano, he asked if the song was dedicated to anybody. Poor Stefano knew he had to let Ryan down lightly, so he saved face with some awkward stammering and then a gave hallmark-card worthy, “ITS TO ALL THE LADIES… REALLY.”

10.
I’ve never liked this guy’s high-pitched (and yet) raspy voice. It’s one or the other dude, you’re going to end up like those dudes in Maroon 5. Of course he sang a Rod Stewart song, but kid, you’re no Rod Stewart. To make up for that unchangeable detail he danced around the stage with his arms flailing about like he had a strange form of epilepsy. Though I am impressed by how white his teeth are.

11.
We’ll be seeing more of this guy, he’s pretty fun to watch. Top 5 material? Probably not.

12.
This guy made me laugh, even though it sounded like he was singing a prelude to beating up his wife. I guess that’s what the song was meant to do? This is the first time I’ve perceived that dark/jealous side to that song. Maybe that’s because of the influence Hocus Pocus had on my childhood. (my ten-year-old self is screaming out, “I put a spell on you is about magic! Not jealousy!”)

I love how was just yelling at one point, I was cracking up.

Do any of you crasstalkers even watch this show? Season 9 was the first time I watched a whole season since Kelly beat Justin. I think I was re-drawn to it because the top 12 were leaked and I wanted to see their progression from awkward auditions to being the ‘best’ of the season. Added a whole new level of drama, I guess. This season, I just let my TV addiction get the best of me.

So, how’d ya’ll like dem boys?

Getting Into The Chicago Code

In the era of serialized television, where every drama has to give us a tight narrative that builds up to a singular climax I have forgotten about the procedural drama, particularly cop shows. Many say that watching five seasons of The Wire ruined other shows like Law and Order for them, because the former attempts to ground us in reality as much as possible where good does not trump evil and storylines don’t end in neat packages. On the other hand, not all television has to be jam-packed with so much plot that it can be likened to a novel. The goal is to be entertained, so when I saw the aggressive promos for the new Fox drama The Chicago Code I made sure to hop on.

The Chicago Code is the brainchild of Shawn Ryan, who is only the creator of the second greatest crime drama of all-time, The Shield, which was also integral in paving the way for basic cable networks to push scripted dramas that dealt with heavier fare. So there was a good amount of hype and expectations that this show would live up to that standard of excellence, despite being on a Big Four network. Does The Chicago Code deliver on these expectations? Well, kind of.

The show follows the exploits of three major characters. Chicago Police Department superintendent Teresa Colvin (Jennifer Beals), CPD detective Jarek Wysocki (Jason Clarke), and corrupt Chicago alderman Ronin Gibbons (Delroy Lindo). The main premise is that Colvin forms a secret task force to bring down Gibbons. However, the show relies on a “case of the week” format and attempts to tie them in to the main arc. It also makes heavy use of voiceover narration, which is a sticking point for a lot of people. Not trying to compare the two, but the voiceovers are more similar in style to Goodfellas than say, Dexter, but it’s a love/hate aspect of the show. I don’t think they are a crutch but that seems to be a minority opinion. The more glaring negative is hammy, cliche dialogue. The show is shot on location in Chicago (more on that later) and it’s obvious the writers want to let us know that we are in the motherfucking Chi. The pilot has one too many Chicago Cubs/White Sox references, and over the top lines like “YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANGE THINGS IN CHICAGO?!” I’m also not sold on some of the actors, namely Billy Lush who plays a mole inside the Irish Mafia.

On the plus side, the show is beautifully shot for a network drama. I may be biased but the directors take full advantage of their photogenic location with drawn-out car chases and aerial shots. Jennifer Beals may be the most unrealistic choice ever to play a police superintendent but she does a fine job, even though as a native Southsider she manages to sound like a Masshole. Delroy Lindo does a great job of chewing scenery and acting like a mix between Harold Washington, Rev. Jesse Jackson and Mayor Daley. The show sets him up as an evil genius and so far he’s up to the task. I’m still not sold that we will get a huge payoff on the main corruption storyline, but the show is certainly enjoyable enough on a weekly basis that I keep watching. Those looking for intricate storytelling should probably just watch The Wire again, but if you’re a fan of Law and Order and shows of that ilk I highly recommend diving into The Chicago Code.

The Best Video Game Music You’ve Never Heard

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With the recent success of the PLAY! concert series and a Grammy win for Civilization IV’s theme song “Baba Yetu“, it would seem that video game soundtracks are finally beginning to be taken seriously as music. But whether this heralds an era where video games themselves are considered a legitimate artistic medium on par with film remains to be seen. After all, the pieces of video game music that have received the most attention so far have been the classical and New Age-style compositions of Civilization and Final Fantasy rather than the iconic looping synthesized tracks that have long been admired by video game nerds, spawned countless remixes, and influenced and inspired various music subgenres.

It is the firm belief that these are just as deserving of recognition that inspired me to create this list. And while it would be pretty easy to throw together a list of the most well-known and acclaimed pieces, I wanted to highlight some amazing tracks you may not have heard from some rather obscure games, lesser-known sequels to classics, and Japan-only exclusives. In the spirit of my own generational prejudices, I’ve also attempted to limit the list to games from the nineties. Some of these games are great, others are laughable, but all of them are rockin’.

*****

10. Captain Commando: Enemy Spaceship

Conceived as a brilliantly cheesy homage to classic pulp sci-fi and B-movies, this Capcom beat-em-up featured a mummy, a ninja, a mecha-piloting baby, and the titular Captain fighting hordes of scuba divers, aliens, cross-dressing samurai, mad scientists, and fire-breathing homeless people. This invigorating track follows the common trend at the time of video game composers mimicking the sounds of progressive rock and 80’s metal, which is a pretty good fit for walking down the city streets and beating the crap out of everything you see.

9. Skyblazer: Storm Fortress of Kh’lar

Aside from being one of the best games on the Super NES that no one played, this criminally overlooked action-RPG was one of the few games of the time to utilize a Middle-Eastern motif, which made for some amazing boss monsters and a uniquely beautiful score, particularly here and in the end credits.

8. Alisia Dragoon: Stage 1

This beautifully designed game was animated by a little studio called Gainax, later responsible for a little series called Neon Genesis Evangelion. Although the repetitive and limited arcade-style gameplay didn’t quite live up to the quality of the art, ethereal fantasy-themed tracks such as this one did wonders for the game’s atmosphere.

7. The King of Dragons: Cave of Hydra

The music in this completely cliched and thoroughly enjoyable fantasy hack-and-slash is exactly what you’d expect, which is to say it’s awesome medieval-style fanfare that will make you want to draw your sword and charge forth into battle.

6. Gourmet Sentai Bara Yarou: EXBunny

In this bizarre game that only the Japanese could make, an odd assortment of flamboyant villains has taken over the world’s food supply, and you must defeat their hordes of walking light bulbs and giant heads that sneeze on you in order to obtain ingredients that you will then give to your robot cook to turn into delicious meals. Here I am fighting a playboy bunny that turns into a power ranger that turns into a giant tanuki, complete with giant testicles, all set to a keyboard-laden speed metal soundtrack. There isn’t much more I can say about this.

5. Eternal Champions: Character Bios

Some of you may recognize this track as the one sampled by a certain Bone Thugs-n-Harmony in their song “Eternal“. In fact, they loved this game so much that they sampled another track from it for the more well-known “Crossroads“. Not only was Eternal Champions chock full of great tunes, but it boasted a great storyline, unique characters, a complex fighting system, and a Sega CD remake with gruesome fatalities that made Mortal Kombat look like Sesame Street.

4. Streets of Rage 3: Yamato

While the first two Streets of Rage games are considered Sega classics, few cared for this final installment, released late in the 16-bit era and lacking the stylish spark of its predecessors despite having superior graphics and a wider variety of moves. One of the main targets of criticism was acclaimed composer Yuzo Koshiro’s decision to shift to a more aggressive electronic industrial sound rather than the upbeat and melodic club disco tracks that had made the first two games so memorable. Nevertheless, there are a few gems in here, such as this killer Japanese-flavored techno track that serves as the theme for one of the game’s most annoying bosses.

3. Segagaga: Final Battle, Part 2

If you so much as think about making a Lady Gaga joke, I will end this article right now. I’m not kidding.

A strangely prophetic game released in Japan shortly before the Sega Dreamcast’s unfortunate demise, this simulation RPG has the player attempt to guide a failing Sega Corporation back to market dominance, though I’m not sure why that would involve blasting your own company’s gaming systems. Anyway, this sweeping neoclassical metal track was originally written for the cancelled Dreamcast release of Thunderforce VI, later released on the PS2. Listen to this every morning when getting out of bed and be inspired by the notion that even if you fail in your endeavors, you probably won’t fail as badly as Sega’s last two consoles.

2. Guardians/Denjin Makai 2: Stages 1 and 2

Both the best and most obscure game on the list, this stylish mid-nineties arcade beat-em-up boasted seven selectable characters and more combos and special moves than any fighting game of the time. The stage 1 and stage 2 BGMs at 0:14 and 3:35, respectively, perfectly complement the insanely fast-paced futuristic anime-style gameplay with dueling guitar harmonies and wailing crescendos.

1. Golden Axe 2: Boss Theme

Though this console-only sequel failed to attain the classic status of its predecessor, it was an improvement in almost every sense, including the soundtrack. This hair-raising boss music will immediately make you dread the coming battle. The only drawback is that they will probably never make a boss epic enough to deserve this dramatic an introduction.

*****

Well, that’s it. I hope you enjoyed reading this list as much as I enjoyed making it. Just remember – no matter how good these tracks are on their own, they are almost always better combined with the sounds of you kicking the enemy’s ass.

Hollywood Heartbreak: You Again?!

Great. The Oscars are over. The uninspiring, extremely predicable, “every movie everyone said was going to win…did!” big award show is done. So after all the pomp and circumstance with Melissa Leo’s totally affected wacky-for-wacky sake acceptance speech, Portman’s unsurprised reaction, and Colin’s barely registering stone-faced joy, do you feel any better today about movies than you did a year ago having witnessed Hollywood’s big night? I didn’t think so.

We’re currently 60 days into the New Year, and Justin Bieber’s movie Never Say Never is among the best reviewed movies of 2011 so far. Blitzkrieg by the Bieb! I’d like to say that if this is the best Hollywood can do, why even try? But honestly, you can’t blame the Biebs. His movie success is just the result of what seems like the laziest time in cinema history, ever. So much so, Nick Cage snuck in last week with a movie about a baby, a lady, and driving crazy, and it barely caused the gag reflex to flare. Seriously. It’s gotten to the point where Nick Cage can do that thing, with that thing on his head, and that permanent confused scowl on his face, and we shrug our shoulders because there are like fifteen similarly bad movies currently onscreen right now. There’s no reason to single out Nick Cage. And if you can’t single out Nick Cage then we’re mostly doomed. Don’t believe me? Take a gander at the current box office numbers.

But assigning blame is hard. Is it the movie execs? Are they so obtuse that they just assume, “Ha-ha, Nick Cage and Adam Sandler, the two top movie stars of all time, THEY ARE AUTOMATIC GREENLIGHT MATERIAL!” Yes, I think that’s it, because apparently they believe what we need is the following:

Die Hard 5: 20th Century Fox is going ahead with this idea, because Bruce Willis still thinks we care about Hudson Hawk! No, really, why is he doing this? We’ll never know. It appears once you say “Yippee-Kay-Ay Motherfucker!” once or twice, the need arises to say it again periodically like the need to change an air filter or something. I just imagine Bruce sitting at home and in the distance some alarm goes off that lets him know that he must say those exact words or a man will lose a hand inside a painting, or a zombie Hans Gruber will come back looking for a mustache trimmer, and a bleary-eyed Willis, hopped up on pudding and grabbing for his Rockports, will just start screaming,”Yippee-Kay-Ay Motherfucker!” Yippee-Kay-Ay!” Yes? Yes. But, what we really need to ask ourselves is what youngish star will debase himself as the comedic element in this well-worn shoe heel? Because you can’t just have a frantic Willis trying to stop terrorists by himself. Some twitchy nerd has to forget the important key codes while the Willis gargle-talks about something not happening on his watch. And just in case you weren’t sure of the direction of this film, Skip Woods writer of Swordfish and Hitman, and who also co-wrote The A-Team and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, will be on board as writer here…so basically it will be hot garbage.

Firestarter: Since they’re running out of Science-Fiction movies from the 1980’s to remake, Firestarter is next up. And just why not? We haven’t been quite inundated with supernatural kids yet, right? Oh, wait, there’s going to be a whole X-Men thing happening pretty soon won’t it? Then there’s some sort of Sucker Punch movie, and that awful thing about being Number Four. Okay, well, nevermind. Onward Hollywood! Kids with the powerrrrsss are next in line to be destroyed with suck! Seriously, though, this was a great little film starring an enigmatic eight year-old Drew Barrymore as the pyrokinetic Charley, and David Keith as her mutant nose-bleed father. I pretty much like it as is. But Universal says they’re developing this remake to take advantage of “recent visual effects advances” so that the “main character [will] be reinvented with a little more edge.” I’m guessing the original didn’t have enough computer generated explosions, or 3D lead spikes flying out of the screen. So now I assume (Elle Fanning?) can make all the cars go boom in an edgy way, whatever that means, because well, Dakota is just too old to be a fire-wielding cherub since she’s a red-eyed, sparkly-faced, vampire gnome person, and 2D is for unevolved Old Gawker peasants. Obviously Universal has hired Nick Denton as their creative director.

Soapdish: Well, here’s an idea! No, this is not an idea. I really can’t fathom a reason why someone would want to remake Soapdish. It was a mostly meh kind of zone-out movie to start with. Set in the early 1990’s, and starring a very shrill Sally Field, a between benders Robert Downey Jr., and Whoopi Goldberg just because. Mostly this thing was like a strip-mall movie! Something you go to see on a Sunday when you’re done your yearly shopping at Sears for new underwear. And really, why now? Are there even any soap operas left on television? (Yes, yes, I can hear James Franco yelling some stoner-garble from the NYU rafters.) So I guess the decline of the soap opera as opera could be a premise for this silly reboot, but I just don’t think many of us need another slapstick film that seems like a perfect vehicle for Kevin James. Soapdish will be written by actor-turned-writer Ben Schwartz, responsible for several episodes of Robot Chicken and who also won an Emmy in 2009 for writing Hugh Jackman’s Academy Awards monologue. Quite a résumé! No, really, James will need Bear Claws at the craft services table.

Choose Your Own Adventure: I loved these books, didn’t you? There was nothing better in grade school then reading one of these with a box of Nerds candy, right? They were super duper awesome! Now Hollywood thinks it’s ready for the big screen. Well, what! How will this even work? Is there a way for the viewing public to make decisions about movies while they’re watching them that I don’t know about? Well, hell, if that’s the case I would have said, “No, no, make Natalie Portman die sooner! What the hell is with that mattress? Let’s push that stupid dead swan bird off a fucking cliff!” So, yes, uh, I don’t think this technology is available yet. So that defeats the whole purpose, eh? How am I supposed to be interactive if there are no options? Well, new movie production company, Red Crown, believes that perhaps they can do it like the 1985 Comedy Clue, which based on the board game, gave each theater a different ending out of several possibilities. Um, okay. You know what, though? AL GORE HADN’T INVENTED THE INTERNET IN 1985! So I’m thinking that once all the endings are shown for the first time some dingus will hit up his fooozebooks account and say, “Wow, that was sweet! The pirate goes into the cave, finds the treasure, and then attempts to steal the princess, but he’s foiled by Gawain the bawdy hero, but not in the other three versions. The total opposite of that happens in the other versions, which I have seen and will tell you about, FIRST1111!!!!”

Yeah, so I dunno Red Crown, I see problems in the offing. And well, I think Tim Curry is probably too old to run around another old mansion telling four different stories. Producer Daniela Taplin Lundberg has signed on and judging from the success of her Golden Globe-winning movie The Kids Are All Right, I expect Choose Your Own Adventure (working title, I hope) to be a bit angsty but smirky and full of lesbians, so there’s that.

Hollywood Redemption?

Gypsy: So it’s rumored that La Streisand could come on board and play Mama Rose in a remake of Gypsy. Now, I don’t find this to be the worst idea in the world. While I don’t think anyone can top Rosalind Russell’s performance in the 1962 film, (If you have not seen this version you simply must, and while you’re at it, watch Russell in Auntie Mame…simply glorious.) I like Streisand when she’s being her musically comical self, not so much when she’s Fockering her Focker. I enjoyed her films back in the day, and think she’d do a formidable job as Rose. I have a feeling seeing Patti LuPone in the role could change my mind, but well for now that’s not the rumor. Sucks for Lupone, because I’m sure unlike the Producers, her turn onscreen could probably be a great thing for modern Broadway transforming into cinema.

However, the fly in this Gypsy ointment will probably be Lea Michele. There is no way on the whole of this planet that Lea Michele wouldn’t take the lives of fifteen goats and nine honey badgers to play Streisand’s striptease daughter Gypsy Rose Lee in this movie, and then we’ll be subjected to what could be the most saccharine, ear-splittingly over the top performance since Nathan Lane last appeared anywhere. And I’m not mentioning Burlesque as a similar medium unless it’s to say that Stanley Tucci would make a terrific Herbie in Gypsy, because he’s fantabulous.

Les Misérables: I adore this story. And the rumor mill is pounding with news that director Tom Hooper of The King’s Speech, would like to remake Les Misérables. Yes, yes, it’s been successful onstage and on film — the most recent film version — 1998’s offering starring Liam Neeson as Jean Valjean and Geoffrey Rush as Javert. Sure 1998 wasn’t all that long ago, but it’s a great story that could use updating if done well. They should erase the participation of Uma Thurman and Claire Danes (Just Ugh!) for instance, and draw the characters of Fantine and Cossette a bit better with a couple of the stellar up and coming actresses on the horizon right now — Michelle Williams, Jennifer Lawrence, you get the picture. That would be a solid improvement. And well, Neeson and Rush are large shoes to fill, but I’m guessing Christian Bale would give one of ’em a shot. Sigh.

Speaking of which, what has happened to Liam Neeson? Why is he now doing one word action thrillers? Taken! Unknown! This seems silly for an actor of his caliber. Leave this to Gerard Butler, he has nothing left to salvage. Nonetheless, I’m throwing my support behind Les Mis, unless they do something stupid and try and modernize it with Miley Cyrus and Channing Steakum Dancepants…then well, I’ll throw myself into La Seine. End scene.

Superman Rebooted Reboot News: Kevin Costner may be in this. Speculation lends itself to Costner playing Jonathan Kent, which I can see. He’s of the right age now, what with his ruddiness and gruff exterior, and he’s not really knocking ’em out of the ballpark like he once did movie wise, so Costner kinda needs a good anchoring, yet high profile role. Why not start with being the adopted daddy for the son of Jor-El? This is a good thing because I’m not sure we really wanted to know what new contraptions he’s built for his urine since the 1990’s. But hey, I guess he used it to help with the BP oil spill so there’s that and Dances with Wolves for forever! Go Costner!

That’s it for this week, kids! Mostly things still suck, but if you like old-timey things then there’s hope. If you don’t, well, Michael Bay is releasing a movie about fart-making robots, their stuttering Monchichi human companion, and any number of equally awful and irascible dumb things that explode and give you migraines! Go read a book.

The Amazing Race: There Are No Steakhouses In The Outback

And we’re back! Sorry for the delay again…Oscar night, etc. Anyhoo, all eleven of our favorite/hated teams picked up where they left off–on the beaches of Sydney, Australia. Notably, our beloved Cowboys were still struggling with their magical decoder compass while The “Couple” received their next clue.

All of the teams (except the Cowboys) headed back to the city center where they had to figure out that the clue “To Sail To Stop” was an anchor in the middle of a town square. Mel was pooped from the last few tasks and looked about as close to “done” as Ronnie and Sammie ever got. Oh sorry, wrong recap. Not wanting to let his son down, Mel pulled it together as Mike proclaimed “I don’t want to kill you!” and they bumbled through the rest of the task. It was sort of sweet and I want to root for Mel and Mike because they seem like piles of awesome, but honestly, he’s old and this is a physical race so I do not expect them to stick around much longer.

The task itself was boring and entailed asking a bunch of locals and/or Googling the phrase on a borrowed computer. Once everyone (except for the Cowboys) reached the anchor, they had to sign up for one of two flights. Some Guys, The Sisters Who Peed In China, The Deaf Kid And His Umbilical Cord, and Mel and Mike were on the first flight, while the Globetrotters, Old Yeller (that’s Ron and Christina, more on them later), Father/Daughter, Some Guy and Some Girl, and finally bringing up the rear The Cowboys made it onto the second flight.

Oh you want to know where the flight took them? To the Outback (Steakhouse). The detour was uneventful because all of the teams chose to recreate an aboriginal pattern out of rocks and dirt and do a little dance-y dance on top of it. But then something magical happened. Some Guy and Some Girl were U-Turned and had to do the other task as well. That task? Taking a swig of ink and spraying it out of your mouth to make stencil art. Mmm hmm. Human spray paint. It dribbled, it oozed, it splattered, and it unfortunately was water soluble so did not stain their mouths like I had hoped.

With all of the rocks arranged and the spray paint spittled, all of the teams were off to a football (aka “soccer”) stadium where they had to change into the traditional native garb, kangaroo outfits with bouncy feet. As the Cheerleaders demonstrated, it is physically impossible to look hot in a kangaroo costume. If I was the parent of a teenaged daughter, I would require her to wear a kangaroo costume at all times. Yes, I know, this might make her a furry, but still, it’s gotta be better than having her walk around with “Juicy” on her ass.

Okay back to the task. Apparently all streets leading to Outback Steakhouse are named after the elements on the periodic table, none of which I can name because there was no Schoolhouse Rock on the subject. The teams received a copy of the periodic table with two elements highlighted–Hg (mercury) and Bi (bismuth). Teams had to figure out what the elements were and that they were supposed to go to the intersection of Mercury Street and Bismuth Avenue. And remember–they had to do all of this sproinging along in bouncy kangaroo costumes.

Hop hop hop, bounce bounce bounce, one hilarious face-plant by the Umbilical Cord, and most of the teams found the clue which sent them to the pit stop at an old mine. Three teams brought up the rear–Old Yeller, Father/Daughter, and Some Guy and Some Girl. Father/Daughter and Old Yeller worked together, but Old Yeller was suspicious of Father/Daughter because they seemed erratic and just wanted to bounce on off without stopping to think and ponder and mull. So Father/Daughter hopped on over to the pit stop while Old Yeller did what he does best–yelling at his daughter for being wrong, for not being good enough, for not trying hard enough, for not being more like her older brother who he always loved more.

Despite his poor parenting skills, Old Yeller made it to the pit stop. That left Some Guy and Some Girl as the first team eliminated. It was nice not really knowing you Some Guy and Some Girl.

It looks like the teams are off to Japan next week which should be fun because hello language barrier! So what did you think of this episode? Do you want bouncy ‘roo shoes as much as I do? Has any team worked your last nerve yet?