Pop Culture

1853 posts

The Amazing Race: Yakety Yak, Don’t Turn Back

Welcome back, Race spectators!

The teams started out at the pit stop at the mouth of Tokyo Bay in Japan, which is sort of disturbing timing considering the parade of horrible events that is still unfolding in that country. I would like to say a few words about it before diving into the recap, but I have no words. It is simply that awful.

The Nerds were the first team to arrive at the pit stop at 8:44am at departed at 8:44pm. Their destination is Jade Dragon Mountain in Li Jiang, China. But, because there were so few available flights (really? Not a lot of flights from Japan to China? That seemed a little sketchy), all of the teams had to take the same designated flight to Kungming China and then book their own local transportation to Li Jiang.

Zev’s reaction? “There’s a lot of people in China, I’m not much of a people person.” Thank you for that insight, Zev.

Someone who is considerably more excited about going to China than Zev is Old Yeller because he and Christina speak Chinese. On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum are The Sisters Who Had To Pee In China because it is the scene of their ill-timed nature break. Also, China is where The Sisters and Deaf Guy And His Umbilical Cord had a kerfuffle during which one of the sisters called Umbilical Cord a bitch. Which she is. Joining The Sisters in China Misery: Part Deux are The Cheerleaders who did not enjoy their brief stay the last time around because nobody spoke English or appreciated their inner beauty.

The teams had to drive themselves to the airport. Does anybody else find the Deaf Guy driving disturbing? I didn’t know that was allowed, but then again I’ve never really thought about it very deeply. I’m too lazy to Google “Deaf Driving,” but if someone wants to elaborate on the ins and outs of driving while hearing impaired, it would be greatly appreciated.

The drive to the airport was uneventful for all but one team—the “Couple.” They got very, very, very lost. Kynt was driving and Vyxsin was doing just an awful job of navigating and it was unclear how long they had been on the road but they left at night and it was daytime when she realized that the compass pointed in the wrong direction. We soon learned that all of the other teams had three hours before their 9:50am flight.

Could the “Couple” actually miss the flight? Uh huh. It was 9am when they finally turned around and were headed in the right direction, but they were nowhere near the airport. The flight boarded at 9:20am and took off without them! The flight really took off without them! That rarely ever happens, and it may be the first time in TAR history that a team has missed a pre-arranged mandatory flight. Whatever the case, it was not looking good for the “Couple.” The next flight to China left about five hours later, a lifetime in TAR years. But, they soldiered on.

Once in China, the teams scrambled to figure out how to get to Li Jiang first. There seemed to be a choice between trains and planes, but no automobiles. All of the teams opted for a train, with Old Yeller being the only team to make it onto an earlier train. It didn’t matter though because the first shuttle to Jade Dragon Mountain left at 8am which allowed the other teams to catch up.

In the meantime, Old Yeller stopped for a snack of what I think he called dragon balls. He thought they were delicious. He was very focused on food and annoyed his daughter throughout the entire leg of the race about snacks. “Can I have my yogurt now? Oh those little grilled fish look delicious! Let me just grab a few fried scorpions to tide me over.” It’s a race for a million dollars and he’s trying to turn China into a giant tapas bar.

The rest of the teams caught up with Old Yeller as they hopped onto shuttle buses headed up the mountain. They all noted that the “Couple” weren’t there. It has been days since anyone saw them. The “Couple” actually arrived at 2:20am, but the airport was closed and the trains weren’t running that late so they found a hotel and took a nap. In the morning, they opted for a flight to Li Jiang, and before boarding the flight, Vyxsin realized that she left her passport at the security checkpoint. This team is just an absolute mess! Get it together, “Couple,” or you’re gonna be Philiminated!

While the “Couple” was bumbling through the airport, the other teams encountered a task called “Yak Yak Yak!” Since nothing called “Yak Yak Yak!” can ever be bad, the teams were in a generally pleasant mood as they saddled up their yaks and rode them across a river. The Cowboys made saddling up a yak look easy with their mad cowboy skills while the Nerds were having a bit of trouble getting on their Yak. The Globetrotters basically just stood there with their legs spread apart and when the yak walked underneath them, they sat down.

After the yak rides, the teams had to take the Jade Dragon Gondola three miles above sea level to get their next clue. The altitude was making teams woozy, and they all seemed to be having a good deal of trouble running.

Roadblock! One team member had to search tens of thousands of hanging charms for the twelve animals of the Chinese zodiac and place the charms in the correct order on a wind chime. Do you know what wind chimes are for? Stupid people who don’t know that it is windy.

The Deaf Kid collected his charms first, but he got the assembly wrong. The Daughter got hers right so Father/Daughter were the first team out of the Roadblock. They then had to find a marked bus and travel to the old town of Li Jiang. Old Yeller finished next, then the Deaf Kid, the Cowboys, the Globetrotters, the Cheerleaders and the Sisters. Zev was the only one left. He was looking for a rabbit charm and was incredibly frustrated.

In the meantime, the “Couple” headed up on the gondola. And we know it’s not just fancy editing because as the other teams were headed down on the Gondola, they passed the “Couple” headed up. Folks, we have a race on our hands! The “Couple” showed up while Zev was still trying to complete the task. He had found the last charm, but didn’t understand that he had to hang the charms in the order that they appear on the zodiac chart.

At the bottom of the mountain, Old Yeller hopped on a bus without checking to see if it was a marked bus. It wasn’t. It was just a regular old shuttle bus that didn’t have any doors. Old Yeller was pissed because they were going in the wrong direction which, naturally, was Christina’s fault. The driver wouldn’t turn around, so Christina jumped out of a moving vehicle, landing on her back. I am not sure if she did this to win the race, or to end it once and for all. It was very, very strange. The bus finally stopped and Old Yeller got out. The two of them ran down an incline to the other buses which were already on the road, flailing their arms and yelling for the buses to stop. All of the teams ignored them (I think I heard the Cheerleaders tell their driver to speed up and head for the old man chomping on a fruit roll-up), but the Globetrotters stopped the bus because they are just wonderful people. I sure hope nice guys don’t finish last.

Once in the town, there was a boring thing about a zodiac sign and a wish. Then the teams had a choice between Hammer or Horn. In Hammer, teams had to pulverize hot molten candy. In Horn, teams had to carry a long ceremonial horn in a precession to a palace. All teams chose Hammer except the Cheerleaders and the Globetrotters.

Oh did we forget the Nerds and the “Couple”? While the rest of the teams were pounding candy with a hammer, Zev was struggling to figure out the arrangement of symbols and Vyxsin couldn’t find her last few charms. Zev finally realized that he had two goats and needed a horse. Ain’t that always the way it goes? Too many goats, not enough horses. He found the right one and finally finished the task while Vyxsin struggled to keep it together.

The hammering didn’t look that complicated as the teams blazed through the task. Back at the horns, the Cheerleaders realized that they wouldn’t be able to lift the horns and turned around to go to the other task. By the time they got back to the other task, the teams had finished and it was a race to the Eternal Tower in the center of the city.

Deaf Guy and his Umbilical Cord were the first team to arrive and won a romantic vacation to Aruba. Eew. Enjoy your couples massage. But surprise! They’re still racing!

All of the other teams checked in at the pit stop with what looked like not much time between them except for the “Couple.” While they eventually finished the charms task (are they still working on that?), the idiots left their fanny pack on the gondola. As is the rules with fanny packs, it contained all of their worldly possessions, including fairy dust, passports, and money. Now, I haven’t worn a fanny pack since…ever. But it is my understanding that these things clip around your waist for the sole purpose of not losing your stuff. I can understand why Old Yeller took off his fanny pack in the last episode since he was going to be submerged in water. But the “Couple”? No, that’s just stupid. And I don’t want to hear that it clashed with their “pink and black attack” outfits, because that pack was black. So if they had just renamed themselves the “pink and black fanny pack attack,” they wouldn’t be in this pickle.

Where were we? Oh right. All of the teams checked in except for the “Couple” who are totally screwed. Scenes from next week included a dreaded two headed double UTurn, and that’s about it. Did TAR stretch this out into a non-elimination “you’re still racing” to give the “Couple” time to catch up just like they did with the Cowboys? And will it even matter considering their latest bout of idiocy? And do the Globetrotters even have a chance of winning with their nicey-nice strategy?

Stray Tracks of the Week (3/7-3/11/11)

*This is also posted on my personal blog, which was quiet this week due to school obligations.*

I listen to music constantly, and I’m constantly acquiring new things. So much, in fact, that serious evaluation on an album-by-album basis is impossible. To ensure my musical hoarding doesn’t amount to too much waste, I’ve elected to begin picking out choice tracks from my catch and reviewing them, here. I’m hoping to make this a weekly thing, every ~~Thursday or Friday~~ Saturday night, mods willin’.

*** This week is all-digital. We’ve got a track from Wagon Christ (aka Luke Vibert), Angel Eyes, and Baths.***

Wagon Christ – Mr. Mukatsuku (from Toomorrow on Ninja Tune)

It was sort of a shame that attention towards the 90’s IDM boom so often focused on Warp’s Big Three – Autechre, Aphex Twin, and Squarepusher – resulted in a lot of other, equally interesting producers (Jega, u-Ziq) falling by the wayside. In terms of recognition, Luke Vibert probably falls in that second category, but it hasn’t really stopped him from continuing music well into the present. Vibert is so ultra-prolific that he adopted numerous aliases that were all about as productive as your average mono-moniker’d producer, and each one filled a different stylistic niche. Harder junglist impulses were sated via the Plug alias, acid house / techno tracks went to a whole host of aliases including Ace of Clubs, disco went to Kerrier District, and drum and bass went to Wagon Christ. In all cases, Vibert’s signature silliness and love of old funk drum break samples remained constant.

But somewhere around the middle of the 00’s it seemed like Vibert had tired of all his pseudonyms. The last seven years or so have seen Vibert releasing music almost exclusively under his own name, all displaying a greater focus on the acid house influences that act as a sort of great unifier for all first-wave IDM artists. So it’s sort of odd that he’s decided to dust off the Wagon Christ moniker after 7 years of dormancy.

While much of the Toomorrow album is hard to distinguish from more recent music released under the Vibert name, “Mr. Mukatsuku” manages to recapture the weirdly melancholy feel much of Wagon Christ’s earlier music had (which often contrasted nicely with the Looney Toons-indebted madcap goofiness of the persona), most of which is attributable to the iconic sound of the Rhodes electric piano, used to great effect here, and the swooning brass samples applied in all the right places. The languid pace of the drum machine boom-bap (with just a bit of swing, for a jazz feel) gives the proceedings a sort of “lounge music for robots” feel, which is entirely appropriate, and the quivering acid synthline leaves no real doubt as to the song’s author. It could have seamlessly fit into Musipal, which is about as high of praise as you can give a Wagon Christ album. If only the rest of Toomorrow was as focused as this.

“Mr. Mukatsuku” on Youtube.

(The physical versions of “Toomorrow” are due next week, but you can acquire the digital version presently over atBleep.)

___________________

Angel Eyes – Dire Dish (from Dire Dish on Not Not Fun)

Gotta feel for Andrew Cowie – the Australian lo-fi recording artist who releases music as Angel Eyes and who, if he had come around just a year earlier, would have been enjoying all the critical acclaim that Forest Swords is at the moment. At first listen, the two sound extremely similar, but patient listeners will find ways to distinguish the two in ways that serve Angel Eyes.

The production is what will fool you – both artists use a lot of reverb and lo-fi recording techniques, giving the sound a hollow, dubby feel. But the actual style of the music itself is different enough – the guitar work of FS and Cowie are both clearly indebted to Ennio Morricone, but Cowie often goes for expansive, ambient-ish meditation where FS aims for a curious sort of muddy bombast. Ultimately it’s the instrumentation that really does it – The pounding drums of Dagger Paths is entirely absent on Dire Dish, while Cowie utilizes synthesizers in an intriguing way that’s absent in his contemporary’s work – the low fidelity recording takes the keening tone of the synth and strips it of a few layers, resulting in a harsher, but also warmer, sound that gives “Dire Dish” much of its character. Now, if Angel Eyes ends upcovering an Aaliyah song, at that point we’ll start having a real problem.

Stream “Dire Dish” on Soundcloud.

(You can get “Dire Dish” digitally via Boomkat.)

___________________

Baths – Nightly, Daily (from The Nothing / Nightly, Daily on Anticon)

Whither Anticon? The venerable Californian “backpack” (read: white) rap label seems to have largely lost interest in the sorts of music that it helped to pioneer, ostensibly at least. In part this might be due to some latent desire to “transcend” hip hop, and while a lot of their artists definitely fit the bill as rappers, some of their more famous acts display a (foolish?) musical ambition that seems to belie a dissatisfaction with the genre. Just read any interview with Adam “Doseone” Drucker and in his own colorful way he’ll outline for you what is either disappointment or resentment or a good old-fashioned chip on his shoulder with regard to rap music.

It’s been happening for a few years now. It started out with WHY?, who started off as a hip hop band and turned into a sort of indie sing-spoken poetry thing (they put on a truly abysmal live show in my town and since then I haven’t given them the time of day), and continued with the patronage of perpetually stoned electro-bro Tobacco, who’s taken to collaborating with a tired-sounding Beck lately. The latest acquisition for Anticon’s diversified portfolio is Will Wiesenfeld aka Baths, a young guy with muttonchops from Chatsworth, California who’s operated under a few different names, notably Post-Foetus (unfortunately it does not sound anything like Foetus).

Baths’ music is markedly different from the aggressively weird acts that make up the rest of Anticon’s new school – a lot of critics have lumped him in with LA’s Low End Theory scene, America’s pre-eminent electronic music movement at the moment, but Baths (usually) dispenses with thudding bass in favor of more delicate pop harmonies. “Nightly, Daily” furthers the trend, with a lovely indie-folk sensibility that meshes impressively with the usual scraping, hissing drum programming. It reminds me a lot of the sorts of little dalliances that Hrvatski would venture on 6 or 7 years ago, but this is really the core of Baths’ aesthetic – sunny, sweet music for gentler people than you’ll find out in the clubs on any given night. It’s pleasant and a little bit light in comparison to some of his album cuts, but that might be why it’s on this short EP. Given another album or two of music this consistent, Baths could end up as the best thing on Anticon’s roster.

“Daily, Nightly” on Youtube.

(You can acquire “The Nothing / Nightly, Daily” in lots of different places. I got mine from Bleep.)

Netflix Sunday: My So-Called Life edition

Welcome back to another edition of Netflix Sunday. I was originally planning on sharing about more British shows, but then I remembered American TV has some awesome stuff. America! F*CK YEAH!

So this week’s Netflix contender is 1994’s My So Called Life. As a teenager in the 1990’s, this show was all about me and my life. Then again, I was a teenager, so everything was about me. Don’t judge, you thought that way as well.

My So Called life was a short-running show with all of 19 episodes, but one of my favorites that pretty successfully encapsulated the teenage experience in the 1990’s.

The story centered on a young Claire Danes as Angela Chase, a girl growing up in a suburb of Pittsburgh, who, like most of us, was growing older and emotionally ambivalent towards her parents, while discovering new friends and life experiences.

Her two best friends were Rayanne Graff, a free spirit (whose wardrobe I always idolized) with an alcoholic, mostly absent mother and a drug problem, and Rickie, the eyeliner-wearing boy who lived with his abusive uncle. Rayanne was the bad influence, but her affection for Angela was apparent, as was her hidden vulnerability, distrust of people, and her desire for her friends to act as her family, because her family had failed her, causing you to both love and hate Rayanne.

The show was rather topical and took on some intense issues in its short run – child abuse, sex, drug use and had an openly gay teenager. This was before Ellen Degeneres came out publicly in ~~2002~~ 1997 or ’98, which was a HUGE deal, so for a show to portray a gay teenager in the mid-1990’s in a sympathetic way; in such a central role to the show was a fairly influential to a lot of people my age.

The show also starred a young Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano-the dreamy object of Angela’s affections, an eye-opener to those of us who had raging crushes on the brooding, guitar-playing hottie that pretty much all teenage crushes suck.

While show portrayed several difficult social issues, it managed to not be overly preachy. It’s honest look at teenage life and angst wasn’t necessary sympathetic or critical – Angela makes a lot of decisions she’s not sure if she should be proud of, but shows that time for what it is – a difficult time of self-discovery as teenagers realize their potential to become independent adults, while dealing with learning some of the harder lessons alone. Also, the soundtrack is classic 1990’s. Can’t beat that!

Found Footage Friday: V Trinadcatom Chasu Nochi

Today’s found footage post is about a film I stumbled upon accidentally (it’s in the public domain and has never been commercially released) and it may be one of my favorite movies because it’s just out-and-out bizarre. The whole thing is in Russian and even though I don’t speak Russian and there are no subtitles, it’s just so damn insane that I love every minute of it. The title in Russian is V Trinadcatom Chasu Nochi. In English, that translates as In The Thirteenth Hour of the Night, but more prosaically, it would be 13 p.m.

The pedigree of the director doesn’t seem to lend itself to such a crazy movie. Larisa Shepitko was an acclaimed female Soviet director noted for her heavy dramatic subjects. However, for some reason, she directed this film. The following is a totally fictional account of what happened and why, but I like to believe it’s true even though I made it up:

In 1969, a Commissar in charge of television discovered that there was a famous film director named Larisa Shepitko that he could force to make a film. So, he came to her and said, “you make TV movie for New Year’s Eve. Here are pop music acts. Do it in three days or we send you to gulag.” And so, this was the result.

It’s really a variety show with a thin veneer of outside storyline and while the pop acts are pretty odd themselves, the real action is the wrapper story involving a cross-dressing patriarch (matriarch?) of the Russian equivalent of a hillbilly family watching TV in their hut on fowl’s legs (a traditional Russian folk motif), joined by a mermaid and a dwarf. As I said, I speak no Russian, but from what I’ve been told, even if you do speak Russian, it doesn’t make much more sense.

As the movie is in the public domain, I uploaded the whole thing to YouTube, but for those of you who don’t want to sit through it, here are two of my favorite bits. First, a moment of cinematic insanity-

watch?v=jovmenwr7ug

And then a musical number (not one of the pop acts), a parody of Louis Armstrong singing Hello, Dolly… except the only lyrics are Hello, Dolly.

watch?v=yTpNNVnbRsw

And finally, the entire film.

watch?v=Oheg-LMFzGk

I’d say that this is best seen under the influence, but I think that would actually make it worse.

Disaster Movie Showdown

Today’s post is brought to you by Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus.

This Syfy movie classic features Golden Globe nominated actor Lorenzo Lamas and showcases the ~~musical stylings~~ acting prowess of one, Deborah Gibson. However, the real stars of this straight to TV gem are the giant octopus and mega shark. These ancient rivals eat airplanes out of the sky and bite through tons of steel because their hatred/love for each other runs so deep that it transcends time(think Ronnie and Sammi from the Jersey Shore).

Throughout history, beasts and gladiators have been forced to fight each other in the public domain. Now I will force these movies (some of which actually had a showdown at the box office) to do battle. Also, there are some SPOILERS below for those of you that are bothered by them.

First up:

Deep Impact Vs Armageddon

Deep Impact
(Domestic Gross: $140 million Budget: $75 million)

Asteroids are coming to destroy earth! Government cover-up? Why yes! A plan to save earth? Indeed! This film also comes with the backup plan that will only save a select few because the first is doomed to fail…or is it? In it’s journey to hit every plot point in the worldwide disaster handbook, Deep Impact actually achieves quite a bit of pathos. This is due in part to there actually being a plot and some pretty decent acting on behalf of the talented cast of Vanessa Redgrave, Maximilian Schell, Tea Leoni, President Morgan Freeman, Leelee Sobieski, and that kid from North. Oh, and I can’t forget Robert Duvall in a nice turn as the doomed savior of the planet.

This film does indeed have a plot, and allows you to connect to most of the characters. While Tea Leoni doesn’t really have the voice to actually be a news anchor, she pulls of the role well and her scenes with Redgrave, her mother, and Schell, her father, are definite stand-outs. The film also does what few disaster movies do and that is let the plan fail. The part of you that wants to see the bad guy succeed gets its fill when an amazing CGI wave takes out half the cast. The other part of you that likes normal endings to movies also has something to work with when Duvall and Co. save the rest of the cast by sacrificing themselves.

Armageddon
(Domestic Gross: $201 Million Budget: $140 Million)

Asteroids are coming to destroy earth! This time there are only 18 days to stage a rescue mission to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas! The obvious choices to destroy the miniature planet that is hurtling towards earth are Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck, obviously. They are good at drilling both oil and Liv Tyler (well not Bruce). This choice is handed down by the head of NASA, Billy Bob Thornton. I mean they had enough wherewithal to build a shuttle but not to train anyone to use it, really? The rest of the rescue team is populated by Michael Clarke Duncan, Will Patton,Steve Buscemi, a crazy Russian, and some other people. They quickly learn to navigate a space shuttle and wear spacesuits and they are ready to go save the world. But then there is Liv Tyler, poor old Liv, no one realizes that she has the most to lose in this situation! Yet, they take off anyways but not before Liv and Ben make love while listening to music by her real-life dad, Steven Tyler….strange.

Just like in Deep Impact, the rescue team has their fair share of problems and at one point are feared dead. Liv Tyler is distraught at this news but luckily they are alive and on the asteroid. They drill to their hearts content but to no avail, time is running out and someone MUST stay behind to save the earth! The obvious choice is Ben Affleck, because no one wants him around. So in the end, Bruce Willis stays behind, because he tricks Ben into leaving (not that hard to do, apparently). The comet is split in two mere feet from the surface of the earth but somehow manages to miss! Success! Except, Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler’s fake dad is dead but at least she has poor Ben to marry her so there’s that, ya know.

DECISION

Armageddon won at the box office but Deep Impact won over the scientists. There are bigger stars in Armageddon but more talented people in Deep Impact. More things get destroyed in Deep Impact than Armageddon, which is always a plus. Plus, Armageddon is kind of a hodge podge while Deep Impact has a definite story.

WINNER

Deep Impact! I was going to treat you to some awesomely amazing fan videos about the love story between North and Leelee Sobieski but decided the trailer was good enough.

2012 vs The Day After Tomorrow

2012

Resident crazy, Woody Harrelson thinks the world is going to end in 2012, just like the Mayans said it would. But Woody Harrelson, has plenty of evidence in his trailer to back things up. The Mayans just had a calendar. Exhibit 1. He has a map to a special place in China where the governments of the world are building things to save rich people from being destroyed with the rest of the world. Probably spaceships. Exhibit 2. The earth crust displacement theory was backed by Einstein who said it could indeed happen causing massive cataclysmic events including melting the earths face off. Exhibit 3. Weird government types are monitoring the volcano beneath Yellowstone National Park, which means the biggest volcano ever is about to take out the whole of the western US. Luckily, limo driver extraordinaire and published author, John Cusack, is able to put all of that together and just in time to save Amanda Peet (his ex-wife) and the her boyfriend the doctor, along with his kids.

They drive through collapsing buildings and avoid mountains that appear out of nowhere and just in time to get in a plane and take off while the rest of LA literally falls into the sea. As luck would have it they also escape the biggest volcano explosion in history and happen to run into someone they know who happens to have a giant plane when they land in Las Vegas. What luck! They run out of gas on the way to China but lo and behold the entire crust of the earth has moved and they are only miles from their destination! Amazing! While the plot is a little off the wall,we have Thandie Newton, President Danny Glover’s daughter, and Chiwetel Ejiofor to bring some much needed sanity to the proceedings. Well that is until, wannabe dictator Oliver Platt starts engaging in the normal behavior of someone trying to assert his position in the new world before everyone is even safe.

The Day After Tomorrow

Resident crazy, Dennis Quaid is a scientist with actual data that says a new ice age is coming and so are massive hurricane-like storms the size of entire continents! In conclusion, The entirety of the population of the world north of Oklahoma needs to be evacuated! Immediately! Of course, the hard headed government types treat him like you would treat a homeless crazy person asserting the same ideas even though he has scientific evidence to back it up. Oh no, what to do! Why, Dennis is going to go save his son, Jake Gyllenhall, who is frolicking around Chelsea with Emmy Rossum and some other people. These are smart kids who participate in academic competitions by building rockets and what not and are obviously completely capable of many great things.

All of the sudden it floods, then freezes, and a new ice age has occurred and the government types are flummoxed. How could they have known?! Luckily, Jake G and company have hidden in the New York Public library with many other people who survived the initial flash freeze. So the next logical thing the crowd decides to do is go marching out into the cold towards nowhere, but Jake G. and company are much smarter than that and stay at the library, like lost kids in a super market. As it gets colder, they go against everything they have ever been taught and stage a book burning and hope DQ (who thinks ,of all people, he can survive the bitter cold) shows up soon. And that my friends is that, with the exception of some high range helicopters, an odd side-plot involving Jake G’s mother, Sela Ward, and a few strange political messages sprinkled here and there (especially at the end).

DECISION:

Even though The Day After Tomorrow is a little more believable, it drags at some parts. While 2012, is full steam ahead almost the entire movie even if it is completely preposterous. However, the earth crust displacement theory is a real thing which lends 2012 a bit of credibility. In addition, the political messages in The Day After Tomorrow are a little distracting while 2012 only really focuses on class division. Also, basically EVERYTHING is destroyed in 2012 while you don’t get to see as near as much destruction in The Day After Tomorrow. In the end, this was a tough decision.

WINNER

2012! And now you get to enjoy a video where computer nerds talk about the effects used to make the Yellowstone volcano eruption!

Coming Soon:

Volcano Vs Dante’s Peak

Independence Day vs War of the Worlds

The Poseidon Adventure vs The Perfect Storm

Opening Weekend: We Come in Peace

Aliens are not done with us yet. This boggles the mind since I can’t imagine what they’re up there thinking about us. Well, possibly that they need to come and collect Charlie Sheen because he’s just an embarrassment to their entire race, and maybe given the infantile joy myself and others get out of ABC’s Wipeout, that we probably aren’t potty-trained, but nonetheless, something about us is still interesting to the spaceman. Marvin and his fellow Martians don’t give us enough credit. In a fight we’d hold our own (Unity!), and then we’d become enslaved (Defeat!), but jokes on them because they’d find out that eating us would be counterproductive since we’re loud and mostly chewy. Right? Right. Viva La Rebellion.

Battle: Los Angeles

Well, this was a quick death. The reviews are abysmal.

For years, there have been documented cases of UFO sightings around the world – Buenos Aires, Seoul, France, Germany, China. But in 2011, what were once just sightings will become a terrifying reality when Earth is attacked by unknown forces. As people everywhere watch the world’s great cities fall, Los Angeles becomes the last stand for mankind in a battle no one expected. It’s up to a Marine staff sergeant (Aaron Eckhart) and his new platoon to draw a line in the sand as they take on an enemy unlike any they’ve ever encountered before.

What you can expect: Aliens! Aliens Invading! Military types will try to save humanity from an alien attack. Probably lots of desperate scenes with people leaving families, losing loved ones, the expected amount of shock, horror, and perseverance that coincide with movies of this type. It’s a familiar trek. Aliens come, people freak out, it becomes obvious that they want the planet to become a scorched hole, we fight, etc. etc. There’s Aaron Eckhart as the plucky hero. Michelle Rodriguez (Lt. Vasquez, always) donning military gear per usual. All that’s missing from the trailer is the scientist/academic/crazy basement lair person who knew this was coming because he or she read the microwave frequency in a glass of water or something.

What could annoy: While the trailer was pretty good, and it struck just the right tone of humanity coupled with the threat of extinction — we’ve seen this before, no? The last decade or so have been full of the Alien Attack movies in earnest have they not? Regardless, we as the movie-going public still get excited by the prospect of a good alien movie, but we may be starting to tire of this particular tread. It’s probably time for a new twist on this old genre. Also, a brief word about Shaky Cam can we just retire this please? Yes, yes, we get it. You want DOCUMENTARY STYLE FILMMAKING but really, it’s just annoying and sick-making, and no one leaves a theater saying, “You know that movie was great, but there just wasn’t enough shaky cam.” See? We don’t think it adds anything. So, you know, stop.

Mars Needs Moms:

And apparently a better movie. So far the reviews are out of this world and circling the drain.

Take out the trash, eat your broccoli-who needs moms, anyway? Nine-year-old Milo (Seth Green) finds out just how much he needs his mom (Joan Cusack) when she’s nabbed by Martians who plan to steal her mom-ness for their own young. With the help of a tech-savvy, underground earthman named Gribble (Dan Fogler) and a rebel Martian girl called Ki (Elisabeth Harnois), Milo just might find his way back to his mom-in more ways than one.

What you can expect: Kid-fare, light and easy. Possibly set out to be a slightly message-y movie about not taking moms for granted. It’s high on adventure and kids being sassy and goofy. The producing team are veterans at churning out these little tales. It probably doesn’t bring anything altogether new to the story aspect of films of this ilk, meaning no great emotional moments. It’s just more of the “Kids like Aliens too” ideal that goes along with the recent releases of Megamind and Monsters vs. Aliens.

What could annoy: The fact that this little movie is showing in 3-D and in IMAX theaters. It doesn’t seem like something that should get so much technology. Perhaps this is a test run for other bigger Disney movies with which they really want to play with all those new-fangled 3-D ideas? While I love Joan Cusack, the pairing of her as the mom and Seth Green as the son is a little strange, right? They’re twelve years apart. I’m not sure how that works, but okay.

Red Riding Hood:

Well, yeah, those reviews say something — something bad.

Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) is a beautiful young woman torn between two men. She is in love with a brooding outsider Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), but her parents have arranged for her to marry the wealthy Henry (Max Irons). Unwilling to lose each other, Valerie and Peter are planning to run away together when they learn that Valerie’s older sister has been killed. As the death toll rises, Valerie begins to suspect the killer could be someone she loves. Panic grips the town as Valerie discovers that she has a unique connection to the killer-one that inexorably draws them together, making her both suspect…and bait.

What you can expect: Twilight starring Amanda Seyfried. That’s mostly it. This is classified as horror. Hmm, okay, well I guess. The trailer goes for a lot of visual fluff. Lots of stark red images against the palest of backdrops, even Seyfried is a pale backdrop. It looks like a juiced up teen romp and that’s probably what it’ll deliver. There’s a lot of “pause for dramatic effect” scenes in the trailer. We’re supposed to be drawn into the suspense of the whole who is the wolf thing, but this didn’t work so well for last year’s The Wolfman remake or M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village, which this seems vaguely reminiscent of.

What could annoy: The Twilight trope. We’ve seen it. And frankly the next Twilight installment with a new director seems like a better bet in this genre than this watered down version. Amanda Seyfried could annoy if you don’t like her particularly. She has come a long way from using her boobs as a weather vane in Mean Girls, but is she really ready to be the opening draw for a movie all her own? We’ll see. Mostly it looks like the movie is planning to get by with pretty people with smoldering glances. Okay. And Gary Oldman, just what are you doing in this thing?

Indie Pick of the Week:

Certified Copy:

This one is getting rave reviews. Naturally.

Juliette Binoche won the Best Actress prize in Cannes for her performance in this playful and provocative romantic drama. Binoche plays a gallery owner living in a Tuscan village who attends a lecture by a British author (opera star William Shimell) on authenticity and fakery in art. Afterward, she invites him on a tour of the countryside, during which he is mistaken for her husband. They keep up the pretense and continue on their afternoon out, discussing love, life and art, and increasingly behaving like a long-married couple. But are they play-acting on a whim, or is there more to their seemingly new relationship than meets the eye?

What you can expect: A lush locale and Juliette Binoche…’nuff said? Yes. It looks like a blissful little jaunt into Tuscany and some interesting discussions about life and love to boot. There looks to be some circumstances that lend themselves to clandestine meetings and how to navigate attraction and passion. The one-on-one interaction and chemistry is what is at the heart of this movie. Binoche doesn’t appear to be the same colorful free spirit that she once was in Chocolat, but even as a pedestrian in a new situation she still brings depth and humor to the screen.

What could annoy: Too much Tuscany? Too much Binoche doing that Binoche-y thing she does…which is awesome. Perhaps for some. If you don’t like the dissection of a relationship then the face-to-face characterization of one seen here may not be to your liking.

Here’s a link to the trailer just in case you missed it:

Certified Copy

Hollywood Heartbreak: Forever Channing

Is he the muse of our generation? Likely. We just can’t get enough of this dancing shagstick.

It must be his superb gift for catapulting us out of reality with his dearth of acting prowess. Literally we just don’t know where we are when we watch him scintillate on the big screen. We think babies weep with profound joy at his mere utterances. I’m sure they do. I’ve seen it. Babies just stop what they’re doing and are completely mesmerized by the ethereal tones spoken by this glowing beacon of a Messiah, and softly they weep. They know they’ll never match the glorious theocracy of the chosen McTatum Jesuspants. I know I won’t, ever.

The following is what he’ll bring to the masses, soon children…soon.

Pan: Oh, holy bulging tights! The Channing’s meat roll will be covered in nylon and flying through the air like a zip line of sex hurtling across the cosmos! Would we like that? Well, shamefully, yes. Of course we would. Who wouldn’t want a sky full of Channing dong? No, seriously. Okay. The Tasty Tatum Tater, screenwriter Billy Ray, and producer Joe Roth have pitched Pan, an origin story from J.M. Barrie’s classic character of Peter Pan, to Hollywood studios. Apparently the story has entered into the public domain, so that means it’s open season for all thrustdimples with barely an acting résumé to try and stuff the story into their overfilled jockey shorts and play matchmaker with a studio. The Roth guy is currently producing Oz, The Great and Powerful for Disney and Snow White and the Huntsman for Universal. Billy Ray Cyrus Writer-Person has adapted popular Suzanne Collins YA novel The Hunger Games. So their interest in yet another fantasy story to mash with their money fists is not surprising. The “WTF nugget” is Channing Tatum. Is he hoping to star in this remake? Produce? Rub the contract on his loins? I dunno. I guess we’ll find out.

G.I. Joe: 2: Paramount Pictures is a silly place with silly ideas. Weren’t we all on the same page in our collective obese hatred of G.I. Joe: I Can Make Robot Noises With My Mouth? I thought this was understood. You thought so too, right? Well, somebody didn’t wake up the Paramount execs when this was screened so obviously they’re under the impression that we thought the first one of these things was like Shakespeare covered in cheesecake or something. Filming this fall is Channing Steak Tartare Meatgiggles and a returning Wayans Brother possibly Marlon (the Wayans brother is unconfirmed). However, director Stephen Sommers is out — because he’d like not to have his name attached to another steaming pile of monkey dung. Jon Chu director of Step Up 2: The Streets, Step Up 3D and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is stepping in. So, dancing and warbling like a stray cat on a fence while making robot noises with their mouths, then? In the aftermath of Paramount announcing Chu as Sommers’ replacement, some voracious twittering happened by Rachel Nichols (Um, yeah, I don’t know who that is) who played Scarlett in the first film (Oh, her! Really, who is she?) who says adamantly that only Tatum GrindThighs and two other dudes who played Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (By Mattel) will return. Tough words from a chick who no one remembers! She’ll be back.

Robocop Remake Gets A Brazilian: First of all, have you guys seen Peter Weller lately? Yoikes. He looks like he fell into a whiskey bottle trapped under a leather couch and just emerged as a fusion of the two. Not good. Anyway they’re moving forward with this movie about police-borgs, or Picard-cops, or robot-Romulans. Darren Aronofsky, director of stupid Natalie Portman birds, and Hugh Jackman’s boyfriend named Wolverine, is out. I assume because MGM was having buttloads of financial trouble, and because he was just nominated for a fooking Oscar. You can’t almost win a fooking Oscar and then go direct Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal. So in comes Brazilian director Jose Padilha who very few people have heard of. Now that that’s settled all they need is a screenwriter. You mean Robocop: Geriatric Gun Metal can’t write itself? I would think robot with guns kills bad guys and then says unfunny robotic quip about breaking the law and breaking skulls or some such drivel. No? Okay. Fans of the Robocop movies are not happy about this turn of events. Fans of the Robocop movies need to find more girls to talk to.

Percy Jackson Will Moonwalk: So the youngest member of the Jackson family will get a sequel to Disney’s 3-D action movie Captain EO. Prepare for Epcot to be Sold. Out. Wait. No. Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief that little fantasy movie about Gods with magic penlights and men with goat feet will get a sequel called Something and a Sea of Monsters. Percy will have to save his little satyr friend, i.e. man with the goat legs, from a Cyclops while also attempting to find the Golden Fleece. So mythical and multitask-oriented is that Percy Jermaine Jackson. The screenwriting team of Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, Agent Cody Banks, That Darn Cat, Ed Wood and The People Vs Larry Flynt, will make sure Percy gets his Potter on (That Darn Cat!). Most of the cast will be back, because what is there to do — go see the sequels of every other teen fantasy movie coming out this year like Harry Potter: Death to Smoochy, and Twilight: Pulsing Uteri. Plan for this to hit your theater around 2013 or so. You have a couple years to find out what a satyr is and all about that Golden Fleece if you care, or you can just wait to watch this thing celebrate ancient polytheism and a whoring Zeus with all his half-god bastards — six of one.

Blade Runner Last of the Mohicans: So it comes down to this, eh? Most every Sci-Fi film from the 1980’s is already slated for destruction so why not Blade Runner? Alcon Entertainment (The Blind Side, The Book of Eli) and Warner Bros. have secured the film and television rights to produce prequels and sequels to this. We all hope if they’re gonna do it, that it’s a movie sequel/prequel because we’ve already seen Buck Rogers and we don’t want to go back there again no matter how many Twiggies you seduce us with, and mostly because NBC will fuck that shit up. The i09 guys got some sort of exclusive with the producers that told us absolutely nothing about what this will be! Except that there will still be Replicants! Goody! I guess. Whatever. Leave it alone. They discussed the lore and all that, but mostly we’re just excited for Cowboys and Aliens. This is how we’ll get our Harrison Ford fix.

Casting News:

Looks like King Aragorn from that movie with all the slow walking trees may join the rebooted Superman reboot. He may be cast as General Zod (Kneel!). We’re not sure how we feel about Viggo in a black jumpsuit, though. Could be sexy. Could look like he’s got tacos wrapped up in a chest sling. We’ll wait for the first stills.

That’s it. Channing wants to Sex U Up. Robocop is stupid. The name Percy sounds like a miniature schnauzer. The Blade Runner prequel/sequel death march will send us screaming into a fetal position, and we’re not sure Viggo in a jumpsuit will make us lustful or bloated. We need a Tums.

* All references to our savior Channing Tatum are dedicated to Richard Lawson.

Flashback Friday: Rock Out with Your **** Out

Queen. Pat Benatar. AC/DC. Def Leppard. They rocked us so hard we strained our necks hand-banging along AND our vocal chords trying to hit those high notes while screaming at the top of our lungs.

I have a distinct memory of singing “Cum on feel the noize” while swinging as high as I could on the swingset at school. I did not know how the name of the song was spelled (and neither did my mom).

Then of course, there’s badass Joan Jett. I used to roller skate my ass off to this song.

Break out the black concert tee, your ripped jeans and let’s rock it out!

Upcoming FBF themes:
Boy bands
Hip Hop
Hair bands
Lady R&B supergroups
Grunge
Party music…Stay tuned!

Tracking the Crazies: Quiverfull

1 comment

If you’ve ever watched 42 Kids and Counting, you might have noticed that the Duggar family has an abnormal number of children. You might wonder if they’ve ever heard of birth control or if it’s possibly a polygamous family where the children have a variety of mothers. You might think, perhaps, that some of the children are adopted. If you listen to the introduction to the show, you’ll hear the mother say that she delivered every single one of them. Jealous?

The Duggars have a plethora of children not because of luck, faulty birth control or adoption; they are actively trying to have as many children as possible. The Duggars are perhaps the most famous family in a movement called “Quiverfull.” I think Quiverfull sort of sounds like some sort of naughty urge, but it is actually a religious thing. The name “Quiverfull” is taken from from Psalm 127: “Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.” The father is the warrior and the children are the “arrows”. They’ve taken the command “Be fruitful and multiply” very, very literally.

Quiverfull families deliberately leave all birth control in “God’s hands”. That means the women don’t use birth control at all, not even natural family planning. They view many types of birth control, such as the pill and IUDs, as a form of abortion. Women are encouraged to become maternal missionaries – a phrase coined by Mary Pride in her thrilling epic “The Way Home: Beyond Feminism, Back to Reality”. (I think her book reads a bit more like “Before Feminism, the Way Back to The Stone Ages”). Women are serving an important mission for God by having lots of children and demonstrating good maternal behavior.

The Quiverfull faithful have two main goals. First, they are submitting to God’s will. He decides how many children the family will have. The families are demonstrating their faith by allowing God to control the size of the family. Secondly, they’re creating a sizable generation of Christians. It’s their way of stocking up for the future. The more faithful children they produce, the more Christians will have control of the country in the future. Ah, what a wonderful world it will be when they outnumber the heathens.

Quiverfull isn’t attached to a particular doctrine. They embrace many of the Catholic teaching on birth control but the movement is generally attached to evangelical and fundamentalist Christians. The concept of wifely submission is important in the Quiverfull movement. The households are patriarchies. The man is clearly in charge and the women are encouraged to submit to their husbands’ leadership.

You can just imagine how Quiverfull people feel about feminism. They tend to view the women’s liberation movement as a tool of the devil. It splits apart families, promotes abortion, sends women to work outside the home and promotes divorce. Women are corrupted by feminism which leads to them abandoning their God-given roles as wives, homemakers and mothers. Daughters in Quiverfull families learn their roles as caretakers early. Because the families are large and the mothers exhausted, older daughters are given responsibility to take care of younger children.

It’s estimated that there are tens of thousands of Quiverfull folk, but no one knows for sure. Two concepts that Quiverfull families often adopt are homeschooling and homesteading. It’s probably no surprise that a highly religious group would opt for homeschooling, where they can control the content and avoid concepts like evolution and women’s rights. Homesteading is a philosophy of self-reliance. These are not groups that have large families and rely on public assistance. Instead, adherents live simply. They make their own clothing, grow vegetables and live simply.

Women in the movement often opt for natural childbirth and sometimes, home-birth. It’s interesting because many home-birth supporters are much more liberal than the average Quiverfull family. However, they share many of the same ideas about birth as a natural process that does not require medical intervention. Anna Duggar’s home-birth was filmed (no lady parts were on display). Also, not surprisingly, many of the Quiverfull mindset choose to homeschool their children.

The Duggars are an interesting example of the lifestyle in that they are extremely financially secure (partially due to their TV series). This is the exception rather than the rule. Many large families struggle to make ends meet. It can put a great deal of stress on a large family and can lead to fractures in marriages. If women want to leave the Quiverfull lifestyle, they often feel trapped. The women have been out of the workforce for a long time and many never worked outside the home. The lack of job skills partnered with the high costs of childcare can be daunting. These women often have few resources to help them build a new life because their community generally does not approve of divorce.

I went to some Quiverfull websites. There were plenty of articles about the importance of wifely submission and many articles detailed the joys of motherhood. I also found lots of information on the imaginary link between breast cancer and abortion. Sigh. There was also discussion of how vasectomy can lead to prostate cancer and arthritis. Some adherents even go so far as to have vasectomies and tubal ligations reversed so that they can submit to God’s plan for their families.

If there’s any interest, I’ll explore the idea of courting in another column (I especially love the concept of defrauding). In the meantime, here is an excellent forum on the lifestyle: quiverfull.com. There is a book called “A Full Quiver”. Here is the link to the Duggar’s famous tater tot casserole. I would be so psyched if someone made it and reported back: duggarfamily.com. Also, I’m considering starting a pool about which Duggar kid will freak out and join a death metal band. There are 19 of them. You know that one of them is going to freak out.

For additional reading see: No Longer Quivering and the Quiver Full blog.

Wanna Work For Charlie Sheen? We’ve Got the Best Applicant

Charlie Sheen, our new social media overlord, has opened the door for veritable millions, or tens of dozens of applicants to sign on to be his very own intern.

We’re still not totally sure what that means exactly. We can only suggest that if he asks you to taste something or inhale something, you should think twice. Barring any scary incidents that involve sharing a sweat lodge and writing Haikus using the blood of a fruit bat, we think you’ll be okay!

After our little contest yesterday to find the absolute best person for the job, one such person stood out and indicated in a sincere and heartfelt manner all that they would do to make the incredibly difficult life of a spoiled and certifiable maniac go easier.

Here’s what our winner Thunderclees had to say:

Dear Mr. Sheen,

I recently learned of your need for a #TigerBlood intern. I believe that my unique combination of outstanding social media skills, tenacious work-ethic, and above-normal tolerance for narcotics would make me a strong addition to your team.

I believe that we have just ascended into the foothills surrounding the peak of Mount Sheen. Atop Mount Sheen, gilded eagles—not golden eagles, those pedestrian birds that anyone can see at some crummy zoo somewhere, but rather gilded eagles, bald eagles painstakingly covered by hand with gold leaf—gilded eagles soar freely, only for the pleasure of feeling the wind beneath their wings and seeing the sun glint off their metallic feathers. Ordinary Sherpas, hardy as they may be, will not bring you to the top of Mount Sheen; no, you, Mr. Sheen, will need a social media expert uniquely attuned to the needs of an extraterrestrial celebrity (I refuse to use the Earthly word “rockstar,” but to properly pronounce the correct word, I’d first have to rip out your tongue). I am that social media expert, and I will cover myself in any and all tattoos you deem necessary to demonstrate my commitment to Winning with Team Sheen.

I am sorry to hear about the recent departure of Miss Olson, and while I know I can never fill her shoes, I’ve been told that I’m quite comely when the viewer is properly intoxicated.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to your response.

Warm regards,

Thunderclees

We think you’ll be fantastic! You have our full support. Remember, wash your hands regularly, make sure no one tries to put anything into your food or beverages, and most importantly check Sheen’s breathing every 46 minutes.

You’ve won our adoration, copious bragging rights, and this awesome picture of an egg sammich:

We’ve also drawn up a letter of recommendation that exalts your work ethic to set you on your way.

Mr. Sheen!

I have nothing but great things to say about Thunderclees. You couldn’t find a better intern. Not only will you gain someone who will go to the ends of the earth to find you the most obscure potions and elixirs to keep your virile synapses flowing, but you’ll get someone who can look intimately into your very soul and see all the westernized tumors that could take root in your essence. Thunderclees will pluck them out using nothing but the best miracle-based blessed daggers — after all, that’s what you’ll pay for.

Thunderclees is not just a person who can enhance your social media image, but someone who can brave the veritable bowels of hell, and erase any evil stains that lie within by fighting every be-sworn demon or demigod that could threaten your lair of wanton prostitutes, powdered substances, and genius thought-bubbles of enlightenment and ecclesiastic joy.

I recommend Thunderclees highly!

There is no better bearer of Bastille benevolence.

It will be a great loss to us to see Thunderclees go. But you, sir, truly deserve this treat.

Sincerely,

Spirit Fingers
President and CEO, FALcore Industries