Pop Culture

1853 posts

Dining with the Duggars

Earlier this week, we discussed the Duggars on Crasstalk, and their very interesting Tater Tot Casserole recipe was mentioned. Never one to back down from a challenge, I decided to see what made this so special that it was “One of Daddy’s Favorites!” Here is the recipe in its entirety:

DUGGAR’s TATER TOT CASSEROLE

  • 2 lb ground turkey cooked, seasoned, drained
  • 3 2lb bags tater tots
  • 2 cans cream of mushroom
  • 2 cans evaporated milk
  • 2 cans cream of chicken
  • Brown meat and place in large casserole dish.
  • Cover with tater tots. Mix soup and milk together.
  • Pour over top. Bake at 350 for 1 Hour.
  • (One of Daddy’s Favorites!) Makes two 9” x 13” pans

Tres chic, no? Time to get ingredients. Don’t be fooled by the exotic components, most of these items can be found at your local grocery store. Since I’m not feeding a family of 20, I decided to half the recipe. When I bake, this is a bitch to accomplish, but this recipe is so elegant in it’s simplicity that halving it was a cinch. So, with my ingredients gathered, it was time to begin.

1) Brown meat and place in a large casserole dish – Simply enough. I decided to take a big risk and add some dill, oregano and bay to the mixture, since I’ve had Midwest cooking before.

 

2) Cover with tater tots – Being lazy, I just dumped everything in the pan. I’ve seen pictures where the tots are lined up in rows. Sorry folks, but that’s too much for work for this dish.

3) Mix soup and milk together and pour over top  – I wasn’t sure if I was going to have enough of the gloopy mess to cover all the tater tots, but I managed to make it work. The middle *was* a bit thicker then the edges, but I hoped it would settle in the oven.

4) Bake at 350 for 1 hour  – No prob! I watched TV while the casserole baked. This is what it looked like when it came out of the oven! My roommate commented on the scent (smells good!) when it came out of the oven, but since he’ll eat anything, I didn’t think much of it.

Finally, the taste test! I wanted to pair this with a smooth chateunfeuf D d’Soleil, but I had to settle for Cherry Limeade. Unsurprisingly, this was completely bland (like some of the men I date!). The meat mixed effortlessly with the tater tots until I couldn’t tell where one began and the other ended, held together by the soup/milk mixture. I believe that the Power of God must have been a part of the recipe since not even the dill could inject flavor into this dish. It was truly a recipe for those who need nothing more then the love of God in their lives.

Time – 5 out of 5 Guys. Actually work was 15 minutes, though, you still have to wait an hour for it to bake.

 

 

Prep – 4 out of 5 Altons. The prep was pretty damn easy. Mac and cheese is probably harder.

 

 

Taste – 1.5 out of 5 Paulas. Utterly boring. Lacked cheese, or salt or pizza.

 

 

Overall – 1 out of 5 Julias. Sure it was easy, but it was boring as hell. Completely inoffensive in a forgettable way (until you get a heart attack).

 

 

25 Seasons of The Real World — That’ll Do, MTV. That’ll Do.

Well this thing has become trash. And not trash in the way The Jersey Shore is “trash.” There are no misconceptions about what The Jersey Shore is supposed to be. Social experiments aside, The Jersey Shore is about self-aware individuals who are content in their lifestyle, their partying, their day-to-day idiocy and free-for-all antics. It’s not about the meshing, diversity, or growth of the individuals involved. This is what The Real World once brought to the table.

Now the lowest common denominator of themes in reality television has taken root in this once ground-breaking show. All the things that are a quick recipe for ratings — alcohol, partying, sex, and fights, often some variation of all three done simultaneously, are depicted season after season. When we once could predict who could potentially clash due to their backgrounds, faith, sexuality, culture, diversity, values, or loyalties — now it’s just about who gets so drunk that they show themselves to be a supreme dick — or who is so emotionally damaged that it’s a crapshoot whether or not the show will be cathartic, or a trigger for some unpredictable epic meltdown. Unquestioningly, MTV seems more interested in pushing someone to the brink of insanity and less concerned about a dialogue that works to close gaps between people. It’s pretty disheartening to see such a fall of a once prolific show and dare I say the grandfather of all reality shows of its ilk.

What’s Going Wrong?

The people. Yes, it’s the people. No matter what ethnicity or background, MTV has decided that it’s less lucrative to have interesting, dynamic people on the show. Now it’s best to have similar carbon copy clones of the same person just walking around in different skin. Remember how they would spend time unveiling the layers to each person — who had a job, who was in school, what their home life was like, what their hopes, dreams, and fears were? Yes, well, now it’s one big mish-mash of “Woo-hoo! I’m going to hook up, pass out, get arrested, and then go on the Challenge series and win money!” It’s also become a game of trying to guess who the mystery madman is. Who the abuse victim is, and what two potentially damaged souls are going to hook up and have an odd, abusive, co-dependent relationship. (They’re repeating this trope with Sammi and Ron on the Jersey Shore and we’re sick of that too.)

But The Real World was supposed to be better than this. After all, this was the show that discussed issues of race, homophobia, sexuality, AIDS, and substance abuse. And it’s not as if there aren’t still thought-provoking stories to tell, and unique young people out there who are able to tell them. MTV has just gotten lazy, and has decided that the writhing horde is only satisfied with drama, abuse, and drunkenness. Let’s take a look at what we’ve got so far with the 25th season of the show.

Adam — Self-ascribed “Bad Boy.” We’ll call him poseur-douche. Yah, yah, he did time in Juvie. Which is his current claim to fame. He can’t wait to tell each cast member this little gem. MTV has identified him as the loose cannon, so we expect drunken flip-outs, fights, possibly an arrest, and basically the alienation of the entire house. But, not to be outdone, MTV has also given us someone with control issues when it comes to women. He’s stalky and manipulative. All signs point to abusive tendencies.

Nany — Lover of self-ascribed “Bad-Boys.” She enters the house with one for a boyfriend back home. She’s drawn to Adam — of course — despite her plaintive cries that she’s on The Real World for more independence, since this was something that she was not getting in her current relationship. Great. Previews show her getting into a negative cycle with Adam where she basically becomes his co-dependent apologist. Fantastic.

Dustin — Boyish frat boy. Look up all things you’ve seen ever about boyish frat boys and you’ll find Dustin. He’s had a bit of a troubled home-life, but this has become par for the course for MTV. He’s already displayed some possessive tendencies along with his easy-going charm, and his liberal use of hip-hop speak when angry is just comical. He has a secret. He’s not gay per se, but he did do a little experiment that involved a house full of attractive young men and a continuous web cam. This will probably bring up questions about his sexuality…but he’s probably not gay, just attention seeking.

Heather — Pretty, blonde, petite suburban good-girl — but also a huge party girl. She’s already piqued the interest of Dustin and lands squarely into the first fight of the season between two male cast-mates. She will most likely enter into a relationship with Dustin which may cause problems — problems which MTV loves. Prepare for grainy hookup footage of Dustin and Heather, and the potential for uncomfortable moments down the road. Cue crying in the confessional and a punch through a wall.

Michael — Small town guy with views on faith, politics, science, religion etc. He’s a Libertarian. Should be interesting, right? Well, he tries to discuss some of these things with his cast-mates and their response…”I dunno, dude. Let’s do shots!” We expect Michael, who has some demons in his past, to get frustrated quickly, and perhaps show the roommates more about himself than they anticipated.

 

Naomi — MTV lists her as a “Hispanic firecracker.” Um, okay. I assume that should say it all then?  Of course there’s more to her than that, but in the first two episodes they’ve shown very little with the exception of her saying that she didn’t understand what Michael was talking about during one of his monologues. Oh, and there may be a pregnancy scare in Naomi’s future. Not something we’ve seen on the show since Tami Trishelle in Vegas (Uno). We’re not excited.

Leroy — The ladies man who walks into the house and sizes up the bedroom choices for premiere hookup ability. Hmm, yes. He’s on the show for one reason and one reason only so it seems. We don’t think Leroy intends to grow and learn from this experience with the exception of things that have to do with a carnal nature. He’s already led the stampede to the hot tub, instigated a sticky truth or dare situation, and by episode two he’s one of the first to hookup with an outsider. Here‘s to hoping there’s more to his story for whatever that’s worth. Also, he’s the one Naomi has the pregnancy scare conversation with, so there’s that.

So many, many similarities to cast members of seasons from the last few years, right? Sure, it seems that MTV is putting their eggs into the Jersey Shore basket. But instead of trying to make The Real World either compete with that or try to outdo it, perhaps it’s just time to call it quits with this season, eh? It’s no longer fun or rewarding. Given the current dynamic MTV employs, there really isn’t any new story to tell here, and it doesn’t seem that they’re looking to add anything new to the genre. And if The Real World is supposed to be a small microcosm of what is going on in the lives of young twenty-somethings, than that world just seems like a hollow, depressing place to be, and so very narrow in its thinking.

There are a number of shows that depict young people proliferating in the superficial, sensational spectacle that is reality television, but if you’re going to offer the world Jersey Shore, which is unapologetically debased on purpose for our entertainment, shouldn’t you also offer the world a point of view that highlights the better parts of being young and twenty-two?

I Watched Battlefield Earth on Purpose

On the surface, Battlefield Earth seems like a simple enough story. In the year 3000 an advanced alien species called the Psychlos conquers Earth in nine minutes, force the remaining humans into manual labor in a dome outside Denver, humans lead an uprising based on their ability to learn how to fly F-18 fighter jets in a matter of minutes and they live happily ever after while John Travolta is locked in a cage.  Sounds promising, right?

For some reason, the movie has been on my hard drive for years. I somehow forced a friend to join me in this two hour spectacle. We both figured that there was no way the movie could live up to its terrible reputation. People were just bagging on it because of the Scientology connection and everyone else was doing it, we were sure of it. Mother of God we were wrong. This movie is absolutely, without any shred of doubt, the worst movie I have ever seen in my two decades of cinema-going existence. There isn’t a single redeeming quality to it. The acting is poor, the dialogue is so laughably bad there is no comparison except for the comments section of a newspaper website. Combine the previous two and it still wouldn’t match the complete train wreck that is the directing and costume designs.

“But Chad” you say, “I’m still not convinced. Lord Xenu would never allow such a travesty to happen. Surely your thetan levels are causing interference.” To that I say, shut the fuck up and behold these bullet points of truth:

  • You could take the entire filmography of John Woo and it still wouldn’t compare to the use of slow motion in this film. The running time is two hours, I’d venture at least 45 minutes of it is spent in slow-mo.  Slowmo porn.
  • The ENTIRE movie is filmed at an angle. It’s as if the director just finished a class at film school where they learned about angled camera shots and decided, “Hey you know what, that was pretty cool! I’m going to make a movie where it’s nothing but that!”
  • Doing Eiffel 65 Proud
    118 minutes of Dutch Angle hotness.

    Also, after his lesson on camera angles, he must have watched Heat because it feels like someone spread a bunch of blueberry jam on the screen. Every scene, no matter the location, has some kind of blue tint to it.

  • It’s hard to actually delve into the plot of the film without going on a massive tirade. But let’s just go into some of the more ridiculous details:
    • The John Travolta character, for reasons I don’t remember is forced to stay on Earth for a really long time and run the slave labor camp. He devises a plan to escape by training a human in all the practices of his alien culture and wisdom (which apparently consists of geometry). In a move no one could have predicted, the human uses his now superior intellect to lead a successful uprising.
  • The humans in the movie alternate from speaking perfect English, being able to comprehend the Declaration of Independence and apply it to their current situation, and learning how to fly F-18 fighter jets after a single flight simulation, to acting like cavemen capable of only guttural moans. The difference is never explained, but that’s just part of the movie’s charm.
  • On the other hand, the Psychlos’ language apparently consists of maniacal laughter and an accent that ranges from British to that character on The Simpsons who always says “Yessssssss!” And their beverage of choice is similar in look and color to radioactive ooze.

    Click the image for video goodness.

There’s not much else to say. This movie is awful in almost every regard. There is nothing about it that would compel me to watch it again. No amount of weed, cocaine, sexual favors or chocolate covered raisins could get me to waste another two hours on this dreck.

American Idol: I Curse the Year You Were Born

The Dirty Dozen made us feel old by singing songs from the year they were born. No one on the show was born in the 70’s. Heck, only one person was born in the early 80’s. Before we get to the dirty, dirty and they are dirty because more than one of them was sick this week EWWW GERMS!, can we talk about The Old Lady judge? The one who wears all her old tchotchke jewelry from that trip to New Orleans she took 40 years ago along with her blouses from American Idol sponsor, Cache? She is not at all helpful. Everything is “beautiful” or “fantastic” and she loves all of it. Waaaaaaiiiiit aaaaaaa minuuuuuuuute. It’s Paula, isn’t it? How could this not have occurred to me by until this point? The wacky clothes, the over-accessorizing, the non-sensical comments, the fondness for pain killers. Now that I have context for The Old Lady, let’s move on.

Paula
Paula?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OH KATE HUDSON WAS THERE! Preggers and literally covering her face with the remnants of two mini-bags of chips with Cheetos-cheese-covered- fingers because Seacretin gave her no warning that he was about to put her on camera. Maybe she will kill him for doing that to her. I’m going to pray to the baby Jesus that this will happen. Okay, maybe not kill but just muss his hair which would like killing to Seacreature. Also in the audience was So You Think You Can Dance’s resident screamer, Mary Murphy, which makes me very happy. I can’t wait until SYTYCD starts! But for now, let’s review those Idol pipes, shall we?

Six of One:

David Archuletta Part Deux (seriously, his story is very similar to little David’s, read: overbearing dad) sang If You Don’t Know Me By Now like he’s had his heart broken a 1000 times over, right down to the voice crack at the end. It was good and his best performance of the season AND the best of the night until…

This season’s winner (did I say that out loud?), Pia took the stage and KILLED IT! I mean, really. She is so freaking hot and can so sing! I think J-Lo needs to be ready to pitch Venus razors exclusively because I’ve seen the future, and it looks like Pia – a raven-haired goddess in a white satin jumpsuit, hold the Spanx. It’s as if J-Lo has been cloned and made in the form of Pia but Pia can actually sing. Now, Pia, take this as a warning because you really can win this thing – STOP SINGING EPIC SONGS BY EPIC SINGERS. It will come back to get you at some point and your fall from the top will be tremendous. No more Whitney. No more Celine. No one in their category, mmmmkay?

The disembodied gingerbread head that is Casey went for it with Nirvana. That’s right, Nirvana. And not just any Nirvana – the anthem that is Smells Like Teen Spirit. He brought out his big bass, which I love him for, and he did his best Dave Mathews dance and angry Ewok face and for the most part he pulled it off. He starts to make sense a bit more when you see the clips of his old people parents who are smart hippie types.

Trisha Yearwood, Junior was drunk on her anti-flu meds and almost giggled herself right off her chair while she was being interviewed by Seacrest. Now, I know you aren’t supposed to talk about anyone’s mamma but the pink, plaid newsboy cap? No. Seriously. I think her parents were on Teen Mom:The Prequel. Do you think they realized she was singing a song by big ol’ cancer survivor, Melissa Etheridge? Trisha Junior is what you call a raw talent. There is a Kelly Clarkson quality to her. She can do country but she kinda rocked it out, too. Speaking of rocking it out…

Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt sang Bon Jovi’s I’ll Be There For You. I wonder if the producer thought he was actually Baby Gay Kurt because he told him not to kiss anyone. Apparently, Overgrown Baby Gay Kurt and some of the other boys have a little “house band” at the Idol mansion. What does that sound like? Do you think they sit around on an overturned drum, a steel three-legged stool and the stoop just bangin’ away and free-styling? Yeah, me either. He did alright but his schtick is getting old, really quickly.

Karen broke into her “ethnic what it is-ness” again – The Old Lady’s words, not mine. What The Old Lady was talking about was the Spanish language. Karen came out looking like a Mexican Barbarella; ironic since she sang Love Will Lead You Back, and sang a verse in Spanish like a good racehorse should. She’s probably safe because she sang in Spanish while wearing black thigh-high boots.

Half a Dozen of the Other:

African Earth Mother Naima tried again to bring in da noise, bring in da funk. Instead, she brought in some pitchy Tina Turner. There is so much talent there but she can’t seem to get it together for the show. The clips of her rehearsing look like she’s going to slay it but then – disappointment.

Okay, look. As in LOOK AT THIS F*CKING HIPSTER! He took on one of the greatest, most soulful songs ever, Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues and just…well…let’s just say that when I came to, my clothes were ripped, I had a terrible headache, my skin was greenish and my living room table was smashed to pieces. Apparently he was sick but that doesn’t excuse his awkward Rod Stewart impression. I just can’t with him.

Pocahontas. That is all.

Well aren’t these little Idol hopefuls cocky? Two Whitney Houston songs in one night? I’m about to drive to California, take Whitney sans Bobby back to Isreal to be cleansed and sobered up, and bring her to Idol so show these whippersnappers a thing or two about how to blow. That girl you hated in high school took on I’m Your Baby Tonight and now I feel like we should all register as sex offenders. But it’s not our fault! She looked 18! Anyway, it was so creepy; it was somewhere between Toddlers and Tiaras and Teen Mom.

Little Scotty is the only real American in this competition. You know why? Because he sings America’s music, country music, and only real Americans sing country music. I don’t have a clue what song he was singing, nor does it matter. All his earnestness is exhausting.

Listen, there is no reason to add a clap-track under each song, especially a Heart song. These things shouldn’t have to be said. Also things that don’t need to be said – don’t sing songs that MADE former Idols. Carrie Underwood sealed the deal when she sang Alone on her season. Our resident over-singer had the coveted last spot. The last spot is like your grandmother’s favorite Hummel, the one with the little girl and boy hugging on the bench that she found at a Hummel convention. Jacob picked up that Hummel, threw it to the ground and screamed at it for lying there all broken apart. He got the last spot on the show and he destroyed it. Grandmother will be sad.

Bottom Three: Naima, Thia Megia and Hailey.

Crass Gossip: It’s Getting Ugly

This has been an ugly, scary week in the real world. Let’s avoid thinking about it all for a few minutes by looking at ugly, scary people.

  • There is nothing uglier or scarier than Courtney Love’s greed, unless it is my face when I watch this clip or her face just regular.

  • Tiger Woods makes it all okay on Fallon’s show.

  • Why does this lead me to this? (Go Fug Yourself and YouTube)
  • Do you do covers?
Make it stop. Please, make it stop.
The breeding should stop, too.
What is the head-to-ass algorithm here?
If you were JT, would it take you two years to dump someone?

 

Crass Gossip: Cheeky Wednesday

A wedding, a peen, potential rehab, crying over boobs, spurs, and daddy’s media meltdown! Well, it must be Wednesday’s gossip, chock full of despair and body parts. Cover yourselves up, for goodness sakes.

1) So instead of Stifler’s mom, maybe it was Stifler’s bong? American Pie star Seann William Scott entered a treatment center on Tuesday for “health and personal reasons,” which sounds a lot like “exhaustion,” or “undisclosed illness” or whatever people do right before “living in the celebrity rehab house” is listed next to their name. [People ]

2) Ryan Phillippe’s ex-wife will maybe, probably get married next weekend. The mother of Ryan Phillippe’s children will wed Hollywood agent Jim Toth at her Ojai Valley home. 100 guests are expected to attend, but it’s unconfirmed if Ryan Phillippe, who was once married to his Cruel Intentions co-star, will be in attendance. I imagine this is all Ryan Phillippe ever wanted throughout the duration of his marriage — acknowledgment for his copious achievements. (This is all snark. There is no love for n’er-do-actor, Ryan PeePee, as you guys call him.) [Radar]

3) If I were Anderson Cooper‘s peen, I’d be insulted that Playgirl is only offering $10,000 for pictures of me. You would think that the most highly coveted, closeted, collectible shot of a silver fox peni would at least get a cool $100,000. Right? Instead they’re offering ten grand to anyone who can get a naked shot of the Coop’s little coop. So Anderson, I’d maybe get a bouncer and a velvet rope for those intimate moments in the john. VIP takes on a whole new meaning. [Popeater]

4) As long as we’re talking about nakedness we should talk about Vanessa Hudgens‘ nakedness, or no, not ever at all. What goes on with these young people and all the random frequent nakedness? Is there an age that just says, “Now the entire world must see my boobs. It’s World Boobs day!” Does this happen? I think it does. So, stop it, young boob flashers. Joe Francis doesn’t need the validation. Thanks. [Popeater]

5) Eva Longoria is still crying over that spur in her hide. She says the break-up has been “hard,” “very hard.” I say buck up Eva, you’re amazingly hot and while I can’t encourage another season of Desperate Housewives, you can do better than a cheating ball player. Just ask all those other Basketball Wives on the VH1 Reality Cheetos channel. It’s like the graveyard of infidelity over on that show, but at least on yours, Teri Hatcher just falls down a lot. She does, right? Isn’t that show full of pratfalls and gardeners? [Allure]

6) Flipped their wigs. So the husband of Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives of New Jersey fame, Joe Giudice, got into some sort of brawl in the Dominican Republic along with the two sons of fellow cast member Caroline Manzo. The beat-down resulted in fractured limbs and lacerations of two patrons not connected to the show or the “Prostitution Whore” cast-mates. Hmm, Dominican Republic, Real Housewives of NJ, and a beat-down…is everyday an Al Pacino movie for this group?! Well, yes. [Radar]

7) This is just a weird one. What do you do when your baby mama, who’s also your brother’s baby mama, has been living in your mother’s house for nearly twenty years and it’s just dawned on everyone that this situation is a bit awwwwkward? Well, you try and get her evicted, naturally, because what you really needed is a little separation (years ago), and maybe not to have your kids be siblings and cousins all at once. Confusing. Well, this is what’s happening with Jermaine and Randy Jackson whose baby’s mama (plural) has been living in Katherine Jackson’s LA compound. [TMZ]

8 ) Rihanna is hashing out her daddy issues in the new issue of Vogue. She’s upset her father gave up details about her to the media. And to that I introduce you to Michael Lohan. It could always be worse. As an aside, girl has an awesome body, and the dress is to die…but not digging the Crazy Couture-a-Circus Ronald McDonald ‘do. Enough.[Vogue]

9) Soulmate of the Biebs, Selena Gomez, giggled her way through a Z100 interview where she discussed the hordes of haters who’ve cropped up due to their gummi-bear inspired coupling. She says, “It hurts, it really does. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong.” Aww, Selena. Pout-face. Sniffle-giggles. It gets better. Wait until you break up and he starts dating Sean Penn’s current girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson! Yes, this is really happening. Ew. [Z100 New York ]

10) I can blame Ke$ha Zingbats for not having any talent, for having one of the most annoying songs ever recorded and played ad nauseum for an entire year, and for basically appearing out of nowhere and doing virtually nothing yet becoming inexplicably popular, but I can’t blame her for possibly making a poor bikini choice. After all, you get in that room with the florescent lighting with a few of your girlfriends and perhaps a little tequila to steel your nerves and you emerge with something people are too polite to say is horribly, terribly wrong for your body shape. It happens to the best of us. This is why Ms. Fingies takes her mother with her during the bathing suit trials. Moms always gives the truth…brutally. [Popeater]

[Top image via Entertainment Tonight]

The Bachelor Finale: Yep, We Watched It

(Clockwise from top: Brad, Chantal, Emily)

by DahlELama and The_Obvious

Hey guys, remember Brad? The Bachelor contestant that all of America somehow thought was a total D-Bag for not proposing to anyone he didn’t want to marry? Well, after a few therapy sessions, he returned for round two of consequence-free polygamy, and last night, in Cape Town, South Africa, he finally shed the rest of the sister-wives and nabbed himself a bride. We won’t bore you with the details of the whole season, as you’re probably familiar with the drill–guy gets a harem, guy kicks girls out of harem one by one, guy is left with two options, one of whom will get the boot and the other of whom will get the rock.

This season’s two final ladies with the best cleavage personalities were the bubbly brunette Chantal O. (yeah, there were two Chantals) and blond Southern Belle Emily. On last night’s finale, the two contestants met Brad’s family, including twin brother Chad (ha, no, seriously), Chad’s superhot wife Dylan, would-be-considered-attractive-in-any-other-family brother Wes, Wes’s wife/first cousin Prima, and Brad’s mom, who did her best to blend into the South African surroundings by dressing like a cheetah.

First up to meet the genetic lottery-winning family was Chantal O. Face, who immediately charmed Brad, Chad, Thad, and Vlad by proving that she was scary-obsessed with their brother/son. Mom and Chantal got better acquainted with some one-on-one time, and after 15 minutes of O. Face discussing how much she loved abs Brad, Mama Womack decided Chantal would make hot grandkids with her son and signaled her approval with a wink and a squeaky noise. The romantic afternoon ended with Brad announcing that he could definitely imagine proposing to Chantal… and couldn’t wait to introduce his family to Emily, the other woman he could also definitely imagine proposing to, maybe.

Before Brad’s family could meet the other love of his life, the Belle Who Never Wore Bottoms, host Chris Harrison stepped in, instructed all of them to look at the flashing light, and told them all they were all there because Brad won a trip to South Africa for his 250 word essay on why pull-ups are superior to chin-ups.

With all memories of Chantal erased, it was time to bring in BelleNoBottoms Barbie. Emily’s meeting was not all bubbles and rainbows, and the awkward getting-to-you-know took a serious turn when she revealed her tragic past. Emily was eighteen when her fiance was killed in a plane crash, and a week later, she discovered she was pregnant with her now-six-year-old daughter, Ricki. Once everyone was done having trouble telling Brad and Emily apart from Chad and Dylan, the questions began as to whether or not Brad was really ready to be a father. However, after he assured everyone that he would make a great dad because he had seen Three Men and a Baby twice, it was determined that Emily was the woman he was meant to be with.

Now, before Brad could decide which woman he wanted to sleep with for the next 3-5 months before publicly breaking up, it was time to take them each on one more unrealistic date. Again, O. Face went first, and Brad abandoned all pretense of affection by literally throwing her to the sharks. Chantal was a good sport, though, pulling off the ‘oh no, this wet suit won’t zip over my boobies!’ move with charm and grace before joining Brad in the cage from which they romantically watched the sharks fin-fiving and doing the ‘that’s-what-i’m-talkin’-bout’ nod as they checked out Chantal’s ample cleavage.

Later that night, Brad and O. Face bonded again, this time over the vomit-inducing kindergarten art project Chantal passed off as some sort of Crayola-and-paste monument to their love that she’d worked on allll night while Brad and BelleNoBottoms got their sexxx on. You see, Chantal had created a map, noting all the places she and Brad had been together, like Kamchatka and East Africa, because she traveled the world with him! And that is super meaningful! Because no one else traveled the world with him! Everyone else just played the board game version of The Bachelor and boned him over Skype while she alone traveled to Anguilla and South Africa! Except not. Anyway, their clothes stayed on the whole time, and that’s when we knew that we’d seen O. Face’s o-face for the very last time.

Then it was Emily’s turn, and because she has a kid and the producers actually care if she lives or dies, her final date was a picturesque helicopter ride. Fortunately for everyone, Emily had left her pants in the other helicopter, but Brad, good sport that he is, didn’t seem to mind. Later that night, however, Brad and Emily got into their first fight, which sounded something like this:

Emily: “Will you take my child to the hospital at 3 am because she sleep walks?”

Brad: “Yes I will. And I will be her true Father.”

Emily: “What does being a father mean to you?”

Brad: “Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “YOU KNOW NOTHING. GOOD DAY, SIR!”

Brad: “Listen! Listen! Listen! Vague thoughts and ideas I’ve seen on television shows.”

Emily: “Brad, I just want to make sure that you understand that kids are not fun and go to the ER every day.”

Brad: “So, am I her dad yet?”

Then he walked out, and no sex was had in Africa that night.

~~~

The time had come for Brad to make his choice, leaving one woman inconsolable for at least two hours. It was going to be a tough one. On the one hand, he and Emily had sort of gotten into a fight the night before. On the other hand, he didn’t really like Chantal at all. But on the other hand, no bottoms. But on the other hand, boobs. Drama!

The first limo pulled up, and out stepped Chantal, wearing a shiny black dress with a mess of feathers on one shoulder for luck. Brad did the honorable thing by dragging the dismissal out for a few minutes by listing all the things he loved about her before the big “but,” and to her credit, Chantal didn’t so much as smudge her makeup, probably because she didn’t seem to understand that she was being dumped until Brad finally yelled, “I WANNA BANG EMILY.” He then politely escorted her back to the limo where she was greeted by a nurse who inserted a 99 Bananas drip directly into her arm. As the limo pulled away, the raven on her shoulder could be heard quothing “Nevermore, nevermore.”

Emily’s limo pulled up next, and to make up for a season of pantslessness, she stepped out wearing a modest dress designed by the 15th Duggar daughter. After a bit of stammering and nonsense, her finger was suddenly shiny and we realized they were engaged. In the distance, the faint sound of Toto’s Africa could be heard. Mazel Tov!

Epilogue: Every night Brad sets up the Sony handheld on a tripod before slipping back into bed. He tells Emily it is to help with his withdrawal from not being on camera anymore and she is none the wiser. They are still not married. Fin.

 

 

DahlELama and The_Obvious met when she took a bus from Iowa to California and discovered him behind the bar at a Burlesque club. She is now a star, while he wears too much eyeliner and still hasn’t finished a song or appropriately dumped his fiance.

Sister Wives Recap: Reality Television Results in Surprising Lack of Privacy

Sister Wives season 2 premiered and I for one was darned glad to catch up with Kody and his concubines. They’ve had a little exposure to the Planet Earth since we last saw them. Not only are they being stalked by the paparazzi, they ended up on the receiving end of a police investigation.

They seemed genuinely puzzled by some of the public’s reaction to polygamy. Most people in Utah are very familiar with plural marriage regardless of whether or not they support it. I think before Big Love aired, most Americans had given polygamy about 3-10 minutes in their entire lives. During the polygamy compound raids, the concept of plural marriage still needed a lot of explanation for most people. I’d bet money that most TLC viewers were stunned to see actual polygamists with stylish hair and normal clothing.

The first part of the show was devoted to the Today Show interview, the first season and the initial fallout. There was quite of bit of press stalking the house although the wives quickly learned the art of evading the press. There were many, many comments made online and on TV. Then, there was the law enforcement reaction. Some of the feedback was not positive and this caused some stress. Robyn cried; Meri made unhappy faces; Janelle was resigned and Christine had a red nose.

Honestly, though, if you offer yourself up to reality television, you have to be prepared for the beast to bite back. It can offer a measure of fame but it opens you up to lots and lots of judgment which can be unpleasant. The viewing public is everywhere and they don’t necessarily agree with or even like you. Many of them will make this quite clear if they meet you in real life. Then, of course, there’s the issue of internet buzz and bloggers who like to snark about people with more interesting lives.

The kids started public school for the first time. This seems like a lot to handle in combination with the media blitz, but what do I know? (No one has offered me a reality show). They only went to one day of school so it’s hard to tell yet how the year will play out. The other kids at school were on their best behavior. They didn’t throw rocks at the self-named Plyglets and no one had a “You have Shirley Temple hair” intervention with the daughter that spent 1.5 hours on her hair. There are lots of kids in the family and they may have some safety in numbers.

There was a controversy over the school’s emergency contact forms (this is who they call when your kids get caught huffing glue in art class). Christine sees the publicity as an opportunity finally to be honest and adds her sister wives as “Other Moms” on the form. Janelle labeled the sister wives as “Aunts” which betrayed six generations of polygamists.

I have a question about Christine and her red nose. Does anyone else think she’s taking a nip here and again? Is she a real life Barb Hendrickson? I will devote the last two paragraphs to a Big Love/Sister Wives narrative analysis for fans of both shows, but I definitely think Christine has a hot toddy once in a while.

I love it when the cameras move throughout the family’s house(s?). I’m obsessed with catching glimpses of their style and taste. Christine is a fan of decorating by hanging dried flowers upside down and taping them to the wall. Next to decorated hats on a wall, this is my least favorite form of décor. I also saw some borders adorned with geese and flowers. In the background, I caught a glimpse of the ice blocks that the family stocks up for some religious cult tomfoolery called ice-blocking.

There are just so, so many things to talk about. I’m going to wind it down, but here is a quick Big Love/Sister Wives analysis for fans of both shows:

There are several interesting parallels between this season’s Big Love (the fictional polygamists) and The Brown Family on Sister Wives. Both families opted for public exposure at the end of last season. Both have a narcissistic patriarch that I’d sort of like to punch. Both families also have a wide variety of children that I find difficult to keep track of (excepting Ben and Sarah on Big Love).

I got into some serious analysis on this and here’s my Big Love to Sister Wives conversion. Kody is obviously Bill. Janelle and Christine combine to equal Barb (We need both Jenelle’s common sense and Christine’s management skills to equal one fictional polygamy first wife). Meri is Nikki. I know she’s actually the first wife but I felt there was a better parallel between Meri’s chronic sourpuss and Nikki’s self-interested and judgmental approach to almost everything. Robyn is obviously Margene. No explanations needed there.

Crass Gossip: Monday Edition

Irony: Not drinking during the St. Patrick’s Day parade the day before to avoid a hangover, and your allergies wind up kicking your ass all day. I hope everyone in the library is enjoying me blowing my nose and/or sneezing every two seconds.

  • More Duggars! This time it’s not Michelle (woman has got to give her uterus a rest), but the oldest Duggar’s wifey is popping out her second. They also announced they’re planning a home birth. Hot. [Link via People]
  • Usher has a SEX TAPE!! I love celebrity sex tapes. I made friends freshman year in college by announcing I had Paris’s sex tape. Everyone was always like “This sucks” after watching though. That was such a bad sex tape. Actually, Kim’s sex tape sucked too. Tila’s sucks too. Kendra’s was kind of sad. (All links are NSFW/NSF-LIFE!!, obviously. Enjoy, pervs). Maybe I don’t love sex tapes anymore. Usher and his wifey are reportedly both “givers.” Based on the way he mooooves, the sex has to be good. Right? Right?? [Link via TMZ]
  • Kimora Lee Simmons’ eggo might be preggo again! The detective work in this article revolves around whether she’s really just post-baby bumpin, or new-baby bumpin. I like babies, so I’m hoping for the latter. [Via Bossip]
  • Paps “sneakily” got pictures of Coco topless in her backyard. As the article says, if you believe this, I got a bridge to sell you. Coco’s chichis make my eyeballs burst. Slightly NSFW (or for a library for that matter..awwwkward!) [Link via MTO]
  • Richard Hatch, the dude from Survivor and current Celebrity Apprentice contestant, is back to prison for not paying his taxes. He’s already spent 3 years (!) in prison for not paying taxes on his original $1 million prize. Wtf, people – just pay your damn taxes. [Link via TMZ]
  • Lindsay: Quit smoking! Back to New York. Soooo stressed by the paparazzi. Pulled over for blowing a stop sign. Fires her management. Is it just me, or are gossip sites reaching for straws with this chick?
  • I saw a lot of you watched the Rebecca Black video. Not sure if this has been posted already, but she’s apparently part of some agency that will basically make a music video for your fame-ball wanna-be-starlet kids. Um, sex tapes are free, dude. [Link via Blackbook]
  • Is it just me or does Miley look a little wastey-face here? Oh she’s just being Miley! (ba-dum-dum) [Link via Perez]
  • Gross? Someone tried to snap a picture of Jakey Gylenhaal taking a leak at SXSW. Jakey apparently got all mad and bad. That’s hot. Also, who wants a picture of peeing peen? Don’t answer that. [Via Socialite Life]
  • Ryan Philippe might be a daddy again, according to model/actress Alexi Knapp (Alexis, darling, your 15 minutes starts now). They dated (pre Amanda Seyfried), she’s pregnant, blah blah blah. Shit, I’d want Ryan to be my baby daddy too. [Link via ONTD]
  • K-Fed and Britney: co-parenting! Here’s pics of K-Fed, Brit-Brit and her boyfriend Jason Trawick attending Sean Preston’s pee-wee baseball game. This is pretty cute, but should I not comment on the elephant in the room that is Kevin Federline? Damn, homie. [Link via DListed]

Okay, I’m dead. Volunteers for the rest of the week?

Monday Box Office: Extraterrestrial Dominance

Apparently we like things that blow up, sound like Johnny Depp, really should make us want to hug our moms, and are full of magical headwear — where hats and hoods abound.

Let’s see who made a little money this weekend.

1) Battle: Los Angeles — $36 million

BOOM!: The Movie made a good hunk of change this weekend. And just why wouldn’t it? It’s not everyday Alien attack movies show up to make bank at the box office. Usually they just peter along with all their special effects and flashy spaceships and the American public is like, “What? Space aliens that attack the country and some guy has to save the world, and there will be, like, explosions and gun battles, and maybe a full out war? Huh? No, I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to see that at all. Survivor: Season 900 Billion Twenty-Seven is on. That’s what I’m doing today. Whatever, aliens.” Given this, we’re going to assume the success of this movie is an anomaly that won’t be repeated.

2) Rango — $23 million

Officer Tom Hanson along with a team of young-looking police officers have started an undercover unit that specialize in youth crime. He will clean up those mean streets by infiltrating every high school known to man and then eventually hook up with a crazy-haired necrotic gremlin and go on to make several surreal, foppish, strange, and endlessly similar movies until he hooks up with Disney and runs around dressed like a pirate at a Michael Kors fashion show…and then out of nowhere appears a Gecko.

3) Red Riding Hood — $14 million

Amanda Bynes, Colin Firth’s illegitimate daughter, was in retirement when this was made. Fortuitous! This means there was a movie available for Amanda Seyfried, freed from the Big Love Compound of Endless Pronouncements About The Principle, to take on this miraculous gem of a film about werewolf threesomes, Gary Oldman’s waning career, and Jeremy Irons’ son doing some sort of hot-sexy teen grimace. Apparently some of you cared about who the werewolf was. Many more of you didn’t. I just think they should have said, “This is Twilight, but less so, so here, watch this silly thing about fairytale werewolves and Amanda Seyfried’s big kewpie eyes, because, really, that’s all we’ve got.”

4) The Adjustment Bureau — $11 million

The power to adjust the world and cause paradoxical ripple effects lies in the hands of Justin Timberlake’s hat choices from 2007. Right? Right. Seems simple enough. Oh, and then there’s Matt Obama Damon running for Senator of New York and talking about change, and being a real candidate. We’ve heard that one before, Matt! Ha! Take your magic hat and do something like end war and dictatorship! No? You want to be with a girl. Well, okay. What girl? A British girl. Um, okay. You do know that we were once under their rule, right? And that they call us Yankees. And that they eat lots of tea and cake (So un-American, the tea and cake) and something called Bangers and Mash, and they Shag and Wank, and say Bollocks, and make a ssshhh sound when they say Schedule, instead of the American scckkkkkk sound? But you want to risk everything for her though, right? Okay, Brilliant!

5) Mars Needs Moms — $6 million

Oh, ho! Disney made some money off of this thing about one-dimensional mom characters. There was a fight over broccoli, a boy who didn’t give a fig that his mom was taken by aliens, and when he finally stopped jumping on Mars’ trampoline, he asked his overlords if they could find his mom by miming vacuuming a rug, because Disney believes that all mothers have vacuum cleaners extending from their shoulders in place of actual hands. Yup. Let’s all see this little movie about June Cleaver and The Beaver “Aww, momming” and “Now, Beaving” their way into the copious annals of Disney history for now and forever through to the year 2050, when moms will become princesses and husband Charming will ride along and give their lives new meaning and replace those vacuum hands with singing birds! The End.