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Kick-ass kids, large child wankers, stoner brothers, and lots of indie flotsam and jetsam. It’s enough to make you think going to the movies isn’t really teaching us anything. But that would be wrong. We learn so much from film. Like shooting an arrow, what Keanu thinks about when he’s un-Matrixed, and the curious case of Russell Brand — a riddle for the ages.

This week’s movies are teaching our body-doubles Kung-Fu. Whoa.

Hanna:

The reviews so far have been mostly kick-ass.

A teenage girl goes out into the world for the first time – and has to battle for her life. Director Joe Wright weaves elements of dark fairy tales into the adventure thriller Hanna, filmed on location in Europe and Morocco. Hanna (played by Academy Award nominee Saoirse Ronan of Atonement, also directed by Joe Wright) is 16 years old. She is bright, inquisitive, and a devoted daughter. Uniquely, she has the strength, the stamina, and the smarts of a soldier.

What you can expect: A high octane action thriller centered around a gifted teen. Saoirse Ronan is the newest up in comer in a long line of spectacular girl actors, the studious detail of their roles often belying their ages. Should be like one part X-men, another part Kill Bill. With each new film like this that puts not only the athleticism of girls on display, but also celebrates their smarts, it’s one step more in furthering the genre of child female actors in a long line of sweet and sassy, just like her predecessors Shirley Temple, Tatum O’Neil, Jodie Foster, Winona Ryder, Dakota Fanning, and Abigail Breslin. There is a kick-ass girl for every generation. We assume that it’s in direct conflict to the way girls are often portrayed elsewhere as dainty waifs who only care about dresses, tea parties, and puppies. I have a feeling if you put the latter two girls mentioned, combine them with Ronan, Chloe Moretz, and Dakota’s little sister, Elle, — Sucker Punch could have been a totally different movie.

What could annoy: Eric Bana. I’ve decided that Eric Bana is a poor man’s Christian Bale or James Caviezel. There is nothing remotely interesting about him in my opinion outside of the tall, dark, and handsome thing he has going on. Yes, yes, I understand that Munich is a great film, but still I just think Bana is a bit meh. And if you’re going to throw Munich up, I’ll counter with Troy. See? Yeah. He’s got to do something to step outside of the brooding guy box and turn the tide. Also, Cate Blanchett. The dopey red wig, and the frowny schoolmarm thing, it looks slightly reminiscent of her portrayal in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Crapwagon. She has the ability to become a villainous caricature if she’s not careful.

Arthur:

Apparently Arthur’s reviews need a little rehab too.

Russell Brand reinvents the role of loveable billionaire Arthur Bach, an irresponsible charmer who has always relied on two things to get by: his limitless fortune and the good sense of his lifelong nanny and best friend Hobson (Helen Mirren), to keep him out of trouble. Kind-hearted, fun-loving, and utterly without purpose, Arthur spends every day in the heedless pursuit of amusement. But when his unpredictable public image threatens the staid reputation of the family foundation, Bach Worldwide, he is given an ultimatum.

What you can expect: Well, sheesh. The inexplicable appeal and skyrocketing career nuggets of Russell Brand. He’s really like a disease is he not? A full on spreading bit of Syphilis ready to take your mind if you let him. It seems like just yesterday he was gyrating his belt buckle in all of our faces in that little movie about Veronica Mars dumping Jason Segel’s muppets. Now, yes, he’s fooking everywhere. Where will the American fascination end with the adoration of the British accent? There really is no other reason for his sudden rise and appearance on every media medium invented in the last hundred years. It simply cannot be his charm, or wacky hair stubble, or infantile spaghetti body, is it? Well, certainly movie studios — I’m guessing the same ones that allow Ashton Kutcher to keep making film talkies, are impressed just enough to put this ungainly cold sore into Dudley Moore’s shoes. Because obviously the iconic Dudley Moore can be replaced by this veritable zenith of modern comedy.

What could annoy: Read the above. And also Jennifer Garner who appears perpetually lost on film, and the bastardization of Helen Mirren’s rack in this travesty. Queen Mirren we wonder if you understood the script.

Your Highness:

Natalie Portman’s body double is laughing at these reviews as are we.

Danny McBride and James Franco team up for an epic comedy adventure set in a fantastical world. As two princes on a daring mission to save their land, they must rescue the heir apparent’s fiancée before their kingdom is destroyed.

What you can expect: Oh, ho! This has just gotta be the anti-Black Swan, right? This is probably the “Oh, crap, can I get the Oscar before that movie is released” movie. Makes sense to me. This looks like Pineapple Express starring Danny McBride and James Franco dressed up as Cheech and Chong’s the Corsican Brothers. Sensational. James Franco can pull this off because he’s basically an acting basket case and anything he does will be launched into “Oh, that Franco.” land. And Danny McBride, most of us don’t get his comedy anyway, so why not? Natalie Portman, though. Uh, yeah, You so didn’t need this right at the time people are questioning your Oscar win. There’s nothing better than scandal AND THEN silly, weird, stoner movie with a basket case and some crass, middle-management funny guy wearing tights and making jokes while hiding in a bush. Priceless.

What could annoy: Everything, but mostly if you’re standing in the way during the critics stampede to say how absolutely crud-filled this movie is. Here’s a sample from The Hollywood Reporter: “Falls instead into a deep chasm of such comic lowness after less than five minutes that it’s unable to extricate itself. Things get so bad you half expect a cameo by Nicolas Cage.” Gunshot.

Soul Surfer:

Well, unfortunately the reviews are pretty lost at sea.

“Soul Surfer” is the inspiring true story of teen surfer Bethany Hamilton, who lost her arm in a shark attack and courageously overcame all odds to become a champion again, through her sheer determination and unwavering faith. In the wake of this life-changing event that took her arm and nearly her life, Bethany’s feisty determination and steadfast beliefs spur her toward an adventurous comeback that gives her the grit to turn her loss into a gift for others.

What you can expect: Touching, get up and go movie about perseverance, overcoming the odds, and doing what most of us in this world can’t — surf without an arm after losing said arm to a shark. No, not in a small accident, but a frigging shark. That, right there, puts this into a whole new level of kick-ass girl movie, or it should. It looks however like it’s long on cool visuals and short on actual story. Bummer. It seems like a great story to tell too, albeit with religious undertones, and simplistic mush. The girl at the center of the story should be proud nonetheless of her accomplishments. There’s a rare sighting of Helen Hunt in this thing, which is like saying 1998 has happened again — but good for her, for putting on the old acting shoes and giving it another go. Dennis Quaid, well, I’ll never have anything bad to say about you, buddy. You were in Innerspace.

What could annoy: Too much cheese, and After School Special appeal. While Bethany Hamilton is portrayed ably by Annasophia Robb, that’s not enough to carry the movie.

Indie Tanks:

Henry’s Crime:

Well, the reviews fit the crime.

Working the night shift as a toll collector on a lonely stretch of highway in Buffalo, New York, Henry (KEANU REEVES) is a man seemingly without ambition, dreams or purpose; a man sleepwalking his way through life. He gets his wakeup call early one morning when he becomes an unwitting participant in an ill-conceived bank heist. Rather than give up the names of the real culprits, Henry takes the fall and goes to jail. There, he meets the irrepressible Max (JAMES CAAN), a con man who’s grown far too comfortable with the familiarity and security of his ‘idyllic’ life behind bars.

The short and sweet: Redundant crime caper helmed by the typical Reeves stone-faced one note is not able to be saved by the likes of talented Vera Farmiga, and the once prolific, but now kind of leery and comic, James Caan.

Ceremony:

Unceremoniously bad.

Sam Davis (Michael Angarano) convinces his former best friend to spend a weekend with him to rekindle their friendship at an elegant beachside estate owned by a famous documentary filmmaker (Lee Pace). But it soon becomes clear that Sam is secretly infatuated with the filmmaker’s fiancée, Zoe (Uma Thurman), and that his true intention is to thwart their impending nuptials.

The short and sweet: Uma Thurman continues on her ride to becoming the Darryl Hanah of the double digit millennium in this romantic comedy trifle. Reminiscent of Isabella Rossellini
and Ted Danson’s Cousins in its ambition, but the delivery falls short and remains in the mediocre realm.

Meet Monica Velour:

The critics would like Kim Cattrall to get dressed now.

In this irreverent comedy, awkward teenager Tobe (Dustin Ingram) sets off on a road trip to meet Monica Velour (Kim Cattrall), his favorite ’80s porn star, at a rare live appearance hundreds of miles away. Instead of the glamorous sexpot portrayed on film, he finds a 49-year-old single mom living in a trailer in rural Indiana, performing at seedy strip clubs to make ends meet.

The short and sweet: Uh, yeah. Coming of age film that mostly shows a bit of misdirection on the part of Kim Cattrall’s agent. Samantha needs to grow up and discover more to the world outside her, erm, lady charms.

Indie Picks:

Born To Be Wild

Well, we love stories about orangutans and elephants and the critics agree.

“”Born to be Wild 3D” is an inspired story of love, dedication and the remarkable bond between humans and animals. This film documents orphaned orangutans and elephants and the extraordinary people who rescue and raise them-saving endangered species one life at a time. Stunningly captured in IMAX 3D, “Born to be Wild 3D” is a heartwarming adventure transporting moviegoers into the lush rainforests of Borneo with world-renowned primatologist Dr. Birute Galdikas, and across the rugged Kenyan savannah with celebrated elephant authority Dame Daphne Sheldrick, as they and their teams rescue, rehabilitate and return these incredible animals back to the wild.

The short and sweet: Saving orphaned orangutans and elephants! Well, that’s probably the recipe for tears, joy, laughter, and excitement. Narrated by Morgan Freeman and shot for IMAX 3D, so naturally it will have gravitas and epic imagery. We’re thinking this is a good one for the kids. And um, there’s a cute monkey baby in the opening scene of the trailer….so, yeah, so hooked already.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv2Af-H7ZnI

Meek’s Cutoff:

It’s really the pioneer stuff that gets the great reviews, right?

The year is 1845, the earliest days of the Oregon Trail, and a wagon train of three families has hired mountain man Stephen Meek to guide them over the Cascade Mountains. Claiming to know a shortcut, Meek leads the group on an unmarked path across the high plain desert, only to become lost in the dry rock and sage. Over the coming days, the emigrants face the scourges of hunger, thirst and their own lack of faith in one another’s instincts for survival.

The short and sweet: Remember everything we leaned about the harrowing experience of the Oregon Trail? Well, here it is set to life, and done really well by the talented Michelle Williams. Not for the feint of heart or the typical Adam Sandler connoisseur. This is a diet of steady hardship and near death experiences. The middle school version came complete with fries in the cafeteria. This doesn’t.