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Simple Rules: Writing Posts

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As everyone knows, this site has become an experiment in just how big a group blog can get before it crashes into an iceberg and kills thousands of people. We love the enthusiasm that our 90+ authors bring to the site and we have absolutely no intention of limiting your ability to express your creativity.

That said, we’ve learned a few things over the past week and it’s necessary to make some subtle changes to ensure that the site keeps getting better.

  • DO request an author account. If you don’t already have an author account, and would like one, email jfurfari -at- gmail.com to request one. If you’re brand new to the site, settle in and start contributing as a commenter. We’re much more likely to approve commenters who’ve already made a contribution to the site.
  • DO pick a unique password. If you haven’t picked out a unique password yet, do it NOW. Failing to do that could compromise the site’s security, and with so many authors, this is a real concern.
  • DO NOT hit publish. From now, authors will not actually be publishing their articles themselves. Instead, you’ll write the post and format it as normal in WordPress and save it as “PENDING REVIEW.”  An editor will look it over, make sure everything is ready to go, and schedule a time for it to be published. This will make it much easier for us to make sure everyone’s articles stay up top for longer without being bumped just because 8 other people posted at the same time you did. If you continually violate this rule, expect to lose your author account.
  • DO NOT edit your post after it is moved to pending or is scheduled.
  • DO NOT create new categories.  New tags are fine though.
  • DO NOT select categories for your post. We’ll assign categories for you.
  • DO add a blurb about yourself that appears at the bottom of your articles. To do that, go to your User page and add it to the About section there. Also, make sure you have an avatar loaded.
  • DO NOT add a “Featured Image.”  Just place a photo at the top of the post that’s around 550 pixels wide.
  • Do NOT start open threads. We’ll handle that. It gets crazy when there are five different open threads being started around the same time.
  • DO submit your articles ahead of time. The further ahead we can schedule all the new posts, the better.
  • DO NOT assume we’ll automatically publish your article just because you wrote it. We don’t plan to wield a heavy hand in terms of what you write about, but in some cases we may feel that your article is not a good fit for the site. Please try to either be cool about it and understand that your article just wasn’t quite the right fit… or cause a big pageview-generating public bitchfest in the comment section. We like spectacle.
  • DO come up with ideas for weekly columns. If you have a great idea, pick out a day of the week and post your idea in the comments here so that the other authors know what you’re working on. We really want more liveblogs, recaps, reviews, etc.
  • DO NOT make posts with just a single link/video and not much else. This isn’t Twitter. Put some time and effort into your posts. There are a LOT of eyeballs reading your articles so focus on presenting something unique and interesting.

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 14

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Happy Singles Awareness Day everyone! Not all of us can be lucky enough to spend it flirting with our Facebook fiancées who live across the pond (I know. I’m so lucky!), but we can all be lucky enough to do some book-learnin’ so that we can be smart enough to land that lucky lad (or lass) to share a bottle of Johnny Walker Green next year, when the holiday will magically transform into St. Valentine’s Day™. (Note: Before I snagged  an author account about a half hour ago, I had posted a briefer today in history in the Morning Open Thread. There will be minor overlap because some important stuff did happen today, but I’m going to try my best to make this as fresh as those amazing grapes you get at the Union Square Farmer’s Market in August (i.e. PURDY FRESH))

IT’S ALIVE! (When life rises from the ashes of a placenta)

Beloved dwarfish king mayor of NYC turned 69 today! BAWM CHICKA WOW WOW.  I’ve sent a large pepperoni pizza, a sprite and a pack of cigarettes to his apartment and arranged for a crew of Irishmen to follow him around tonight waving, waving with all the wave they have! If I still lived in New York, I’d totally go smoke in the park even though I quit because, seriously, 14$ for a pack of Luckies!? Outrageous!

You know who else was born today? Pat O’Brien, but also, someone named JoJo Starbuck. That has to be, like, my favorite name ever. It’s amazing on so many levels. Plus she looks like a lot of fun (she’s 60). Evidence:

To round out the life portion of our programme (now that we have politics and athletics), Italian Baroque composer Francesco Cavalli was born several hundred years back. A piece from an opera of his is at the top of this post.

OH MY GOD!? HE’S DEAD!? HE’S DEAD!? WHAT!?

Just kidding. It was actually the ornithologist James Bond is named after. You only live twice, Mister Bond. Once as a mild-mannered birdwatcher, and again as a sexy, sexy, sexxxy spy. What I’m saying here is that Daniel Craig is hot and can I please have him for Singles Awareness Day?

Today’s Dead Saints are Cyril and Valentine. That crazy Russian writing was invented by Cyril and his bro Method Man Methodius.

VIOLENCE (Won’t someone please think of the children!?)

Nothing violent today happened except for some Prohibitionist Chicago gang wars. That’s boring. Except, well, I guess, not, because seven people died due to Al Capone and Bugs Bunny Moran not being able to be friends.

OTHER STUFF THAT HAPPENED THAT’S KIND OF COOL

  • Eli Gray woke up late and lost his patent for the talky phonograph to Alex Bell.
  • The Importance of Being Earnest opened and Oscar Wilde’s career began it’s tragic descent thanks to the libel case against his lover’s father that was initiated in the weeks after the opening.
  • Today is the 30th anniversary of the Stardust Disaster in which 48 people were killed in a fire at a Dublin discotheque after they found that all the main fire exits were chained and padlocked.

So that’s today in history, everyone, I’ll see you tomorrow when it’s socially acceptable to be a single person again and I won’t have to leave the house with a grocery bag over my head so as to hide the shame.

Afternoon Numbers: Nothing Happened

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Wall Street sighed a collective “meh” today following President Obama’s release of the FY 2011 Budget.  The Dow closed down 5 points to end at 12,268.  The NASDAQ gained 7 3/4 to end at 2,817 and the S&P 500 gained 3 to end at 1,332.  Following yet another flat day of trading, some analysts wondered why they even bothered going into work with some going so far as proposing that pants be optional for floor traders.

Meanwhile in Washington, President Obama’s budget proposal was greeted with tepid hatred.  Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who chairs the House Committee on Batshit Crazy, rambled about how it proved the President was a secret Muslim, citing the use of Arabic numbers as proof of her latest idiot theory.  Meanwhile, freshman wingnut Rand Paul spoke for several Tea Party members while voicing complaints that the proposed budget didn’t do enough to establish complete anarchy.

In entertainment news, Glenn Beck used his radio program to complain that Esperanza Spalding is the vanguard on a jazz-based attack on American liberties aimed at creating a post-modernist bebop caliphate in the United States.  He then blamed her and Neil Young for making Christina Aguilera botch the lyrics to “Baby.”  When reminded that “Baby” is by Justin Bieber, Beck went on a 30 minute stream of consciousness tangent linking Canada to the decrease in playing time of folk-rock albums, ezplained by increased sunspot activity and fluorine in the water supply.

Open comment thread below.

Hallmark Has No Homos

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“I want you. Now.”

Well, who doesn’t want to hear that?  So, despite the alarm going off, a curious kitty, and a pillow gone askew, I found myself right where I belonged – under 280 pounds of muscular manly man who required my presence and devotion.

At a rather critical moment, he stopped his attentions.  In a Brooklyn-y growl, I was informed: “Ya bettah know that you’re the best thing that evah happened right heah.”

I couldn’t help it.  This is so not like me, but I busted out crying (f’n Valentine’s Day and hormones) and buried my face in his big be-tatted shoulder.  He grabbed my chin, kissed me, and recommenced driving me insane.

Without being more graphic I will tell you that I was his and he was mine.

So what’s that all about?

Well, I think it’s a bit different with two guys as opposed to a hetero couple or two lesbians.  The underlying motivation – sharing physical pleasure with your beloved, and being as close to them as possible – is the same no matter what plumbing one has.  But with two men there is more freight.  I think, for a man, opening yourself up to a woman has a bit less risk.  She doesn’t inherently understand what being a man entails.  What she knows and feels is that the person with her is giving 100% – but 100% of what?  Some women can understand the concept of manhood – the expectations of responsibility, the stifling of emotion.  I must point out that many women are emotionally stronger than men because they have to be.  But being a man is not a thing which is easily explained to someone who isn’t.

Two men in love are often opposite sides of a coin.  Where there’s overlap – ego, stubbornness, appreciation of art, beauty and life – they simply nod and accept it.  Where there’s conflict – largely due to jockeying for position in the relationship – it can either make or break a couple.  When two dudes fight over a lamp, the lamp is very often not the issue.  It’s a struggle for who’s going to run the show.  Smart gay men – like smart straight men – figure out pretty fast that the person who appears to run the show often doesn’t.

I keep our home clean, and I make sure that Cap’n has tasty noms, clean clothes, and gets to the doctor and dentist when he needs to. I also manage our finances.  That could be subservient, but it’s not.    I have not had to worry about car maintenance for 7 years, and any chore I wish to defer will be done by him. I write notes and leave flowers, he sneaks up behind me and gives me stealth hugs, often with fantastically dirty commentary.  I have not had to drive to a family event since 2003. He shines all our boots and shoes, I plan our vacations.  We plant flowers on our terrace together.  It works.  I am one of the luckiest Gays that ever Gayed.

When I am very old, I will look across a well-worn Ethan Allen dining table at the Cap’n, and while his jaw will be a bit less square and his skin a tad more papery, I will find myself in those caramel-colored eyes and want to rub those big arthritic shoulders.

There is no Hallmark card for this.  But that’s all right.

News from Overnight

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Egypt’ s military dissolves parliament, suspends constitution, and calls for elections to be held in six months.

Algiers is quiet this morning after a day of escalating protests against the government.

Initial reports of the Algerian government disrupting internet access may have been incorrect.

Yemen is in its third day of public protests.

The opposition leaders in Yemen have agreed to resume talks with the government.

Five Coolest Things You Get To Do After Winning The Revolution

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Thousands of peace-loving, courageous and ultimately victorious Egyptian protestors have left the city’s squares and streets to go back home and refuel on traditional Egyptian meals like koushari and Kentucky Fried Chicken. As they eat, bathe and especially brush those their revolutionary teeth, it’s time for them to think about what comes next. To the victor goes the spoils, they say, and I say it’s time to get spoiled, Cairo-style.

So, where does one begin after taking power in such dramatic fashion? Sure, the military is calling the shots at the moment, but in a few short months they’ll be back in the barracks and on the golf course and you’ll be in charage, the New Founding Fathers of Tahrir Square, the Che’s of the Nile, the Solidarity of the Sahara, the Pancho Villa’s of the Pyramids.

To help get you started, I have compiled a list of the Five Coolest Things You Get To Do After a Revolution. Do these first, then worry about the UN, finance, Isreal and all that boring crap. In fact, hire your parents for those jobs. You won a revolution. I say run with it, baby! For most of you, these are your reckless collegeyears. You toppled a government and changed history. Your American peers merely got wasted in Lauderdale and barfed after the Duke game. Indeed, this is the plan, a handy, step-by-step list of priorities for the new government, in Egypt, Tunisia or China. Oh, sorry, they don’t know about that one yet. Anyway, here you go:

1. Stautes, Statues, Statues–Look, in Washington, DC, you can’t swing a corrupt Congressman without hitting a statue of a Founding Father. Advantages: They’re stone or bronze, chicks will dig you if you show her a statue of yourself on a first date, and as we’ve seen in Iraq, they are a bitch to pull down when the fun stops.

2. Money and You–No, no, don’t steal the money. That’s for small-timers. Tin-pots who don’t last the decade. You want to be on the money. Your mug. On the twenty. How’s a maitre’d ever gonna screw you over when you pull yourself outta your pocket? That’s right, he won’t. The waiter will, but not the maitre’d.

3. The Naming of Names–In addition to scoring a higher grade of babes and dudes now that you are the best-selling flavor at the Ben and Jerry’s, it is time to continue the time-honored way of the revolutionary and rename the world. In your image. St. Petersburg? Bullshit–it’s now Leningrad. Mexican revolutionary Emiliana Zapata has both parks and Metro stops named after him in Mexico City. Imagine–your own metro stop! But why end there? Trailer parks, cities, mountain ranges, states, all you, buddy. Airports, highways and rest stops. National Parks, rivers and sewage treatment facilities. Entire albums by The Clash, for chissakes, named for you. And in Egypt, you have a special opportunity. After all, what are the names of the individual Pyramids? That’s right, nobody knows. Pyramid A, B and C? Not anymore…

4. Holidays–In your honor. Whenever the hell you want them. Personally, I’d keep a few floating so whenever I needed a long weekend, I’d just call up the, um, national holiday people, and say, hey, this Friday is gonna be “Jarvis Fincus Day” and we’re all off work. But I’d only do that if my name were Jarvis Fincus.

5. Your Children and Your Children’s Children–Would so not have to study your country’s Revolution chapters when they come up in school. Bing! Easy A. You’d be telling them your same old bullshit stories from your glory days from the time they talk so they’s know this crap inside and out. How do you think Jefferson’s kids got into UVA? OK, he built the place. Not a good example, but you get the point.

So, as you can see, when you put down the KFC, the real work begins. Good luck. And you might want to write a Bill of Rights in there somewhere. But not until after you name the good freeway for yourself and the one that gets jammed up at 5 am and stays that way til midnight for the asshole in your Poli Sci class who was always flirting with your girlfriend.

Singer Black Madam Allegedly Kills Patient: Butt Surgery Gone Bad

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Philadephia-area police have launched a manhunt, as it were, for a transgendered self-proclaimed musical visionary calling herself Back Madam. The singer, whose real name is Padge-Victoria Windslowe, and who does underground plastic surgery on the side, is charged in the murder of 20-year-old British student and medical tourist Claudia Aderotimi. She died Tuesday morning after undergoing the procedure performed by Windslowe at a suburban Philadelphia  Hampton Inn. This is why you don’t get a hip-hop singer to perform your surgeries or get a skateboarder to fly your airplanes.

The British woman flew to Philadelphia for silicone injections designed to improve and enhance the shape of her buttocks. According to police, Aderotimi began complaining of chest pains shortly after the injections and was taken to a nearby hospital where she died of acute liver failure several hours later.

On a website used by Black Madam to promote her surgical skills, a previous patient said the singer-slash-surgeon would make your ass look like an apple “and everyone wants their ass to look like an apple.”

According to Britain’s Daily Mail, Aderotimi wanted to improve her buttocks because she hoped to appear in more hip-hop music videos.

Black Madam’s website contains a rambling, mostly incoherent biography which includes the statement “I want so bad to do the right thing, however, when I hit my knees at times, it just doesn’t seem like the creator hears me…thus I am tortured to make these tough decisions when it comes to the comforts of my life here on earth or glory after death.”

Police searched Windslowe’s apartment for a number of items that could be used in a medical procedure, including silicone, bandages and, of course, Krazy Glue.